Christmas Day is an unknown with foster kids. Unknown how many you will have, unknown how they will be without their other families, Unknown what their traditions are. So when it goes well... Woohoo and a good one it was too!
After months of buying little gifts so there would be lots to open but little to spend, the day rolled in. Santa stopped by, and gave all of the children quite similar gifts. Pencils, rubbers, sleeping bag, beach towel etc.
After a cooked breakfast we sat down and the look of joy with almost every gift. Everyone had a favourite gift of the day. Especially me! Well a couple of favs. Most notable was a gift from Miss 13s mum. Miss 13s mum joined us, and although it had the potential to be awkward it wasn't. She brought us a photo frame of pictures with Miss 13 as a baby/child. Something we never thought we would have!
The other kids have talked to their mums on the phone and all has gone smooth and well. The kids are happy, that's what matters!
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Friday 25 December 2015
Sunday 13 December 2015
Holidays!
Please, if I repeat anything from previous posts please forgive me! I am writing this from the inside of a tent with no cellphone reception... So I am unable to flick through previous posts before writing! There is a smudge of signal about 20 metres to my left... But there are a number of ducks and mosquitos. Neither of which I take fondly to!
I could of course write this from the comfort of the aunties' home where there is wifi... But... Bed and the ability to just shut my eyes when writing becomes too hard is just too tempting.
Last night we brought miss 15 and miss 13 away on a camping holiday. Mr 12 and miss 8 are staying elsewhere for a week to give us a bit of well deserved time off. We took a 12.5 hour drive to get to our destination...the girls slept most of the way. One was car sick, the other just sleeps anytime the car gets to 100kph!
This holiday is a significant one for us. The first one since we gained parenting orders for Miss 13. We didn't have to ask permission to take her away, we were able to sign the guardian permission form for her to take place in a dangerous activity (the risk was low...and it meant a huge amount to her... She has been wanting to do something that requires guardian consent for a long long time! You would be surprised at how many doors it closes). Tonight she is off with Mr32 at her first ever concert, and I guarantee she is having a ball. That is how I have managed to get some alone time to update my blog!
Today we went to a petting zoo type place. We went for Miss 13 who is sheep obsessed but were surprised to discover that many of the animals miss 15 had never seen before so it was all extremely exciting. She saw her first donkey, deer and emu. We even saw baby emu's, they were only about 30cm tall and super adorable. She also got to shear a sheep (miss 13 was too worried about people looking at her to give it a go) and they both got to bottle feed a lamb.
Mr 12 and Miss 8 participated in their big meeting that will help decide their future. Unfortunately it became pretty clear to them that what they hope for is an unlikely expectation. There were lots of tears from Miss 8, and lots of bad attitude from Mr 12. Which did make going away on holiday without them a little hard... But I did reinforce they were going on a little holiday of their own, and they were quite looking forward to it by the time we said goodbye on Friday.
I have finished work for the year, and although it was a really challenging year I am excited about the step up I plan to take next year.
Christmas is fast approaching, this will be an incredibly interesting experience... I hope I have time to blog as it all unfolds as it certainly won't be 'typical'.
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
Wednesday 2 December 2015
We made it!
We did it! We made it! A week ago yesterday we finally became the legal guardians of Miss 13. It's been a bit of a roller coaster week though.
Miss 13 has had her swings and roundabouts. Highs where she is excited to have stability in her life, and lows--- were I am the worst person in the world because she can't see the aunts that caused so much damage to her and her siblings. (Still going to have regular contact with mum and siblings).
I have found the week hard too. This time of year is always hard for me! Just unfortunate that this time around it has coincided with what should be a happy time!
Miss 15 is beginning to open up about some of what she has witnessed in her short life (Google genocide in west Papua). Language still a little bit of an issue! Struggling to explain deodorant kindly!
Mr 12 has lots of ups and downs and there should be some certainty in his life before Christmas. Unfortunately it probably won't be the news he wants. He has come around to the idea of going to school with miss 13 and miss 15 next year... So can only imagine what their teachers are going to think of the multi racial family! I have read a few blogs on mixed racial parenting... And it appears people aren't as open as you would expect them to be!
Miss 8 cruising along nicely. Wouldn't know that she is a kid with a mucky background. Takes things in her stride, and even better... Loves making school lunches.
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
Miss 13 has had her swings and roundabouts. Highs where she is excited to have stability in her life, and lows--- were I am the worst person in the world because she can't see the aunts that caused so much damage to her and her siblings. (Still going to have regular contact with mum and siblings).
I have found the week hard too. This time of year is always hard for me! Just unfortunate that this time around it has coincided with what should be a happy time!
Miss 15 is beginning to open up about some of what she has witnessed in her short life (Google genocide in west Papua). Language still a little bit of an issue! Struggling to explain deodorant kindly!
Mr 12 has lots of ups and downs and there should be some certainty in his life before Christmas. Unfortunately it probably won't be the news he wants. He has come around to the idea of going to school with miss 13 and miss 15 next year... So can only imagine what their teachers are going to think of the multi racial family! I have read a few blogs on mixed racial parenting... And it appears people aren't as open as you would expect them to be!
Miss 8 cruising along nicely. Wouldn't know that she is a kid with a mucky background. Takes things in her stride, and even better... Loves making school lunches.
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
Sunday 22 November 2015
Things are calm. Things are peaceful (relatively)
There isn't much to say when things are going well. It's a shame really, that the things that always seem worth saying are when my brain is crying out in desperation for an outlet!
But things are good. We have four children at the moment, and things are fairly harmonious. Though...if even one of them could sing harmoniously I'm sure my ears wouldn't ring quite so much.
Miss 15 is very quiet. Doesn't say a lot (Can't say a lot yet!) but is the most helpful of them all. She will often do everyone else's jobs before any of us even notice she is missing! Really working hard at the moment of getting her out of her bedroom and into being an active member of the family.
Miss 13 is a stereotypical teenager. There isn't really much more to say than that. Delightful, argumentative, kind, mean, friendly, bitchy. And that's just within five minutes. She has been excited about our day in court, but did say today "Well, it's not exactly going to change anything is it". I still have to laugh about her comment to her Bio mum a couple of days ago - they were expressing their differences on something and Miss 13 says "Far out, some days I feel like I am adopted". Her mum and I saw the funny side of it - she had NO idea, why we were laughing. The nice part about this is that she is obviously just so comfortable with who she is and where she fits that "adopted" isn't the insult it is that most kids would use against their parents!
Mr 12 is settling down. Not being quite as protective of his things or his sister as he once was. He met with his lawyer last week, and he seems to be fairly comfortable with where things are at. He still is very determined that home is where he will return within 6 months. I'm not so confident. The lawyer asked us if we were in a position to take him and his sister permanently. The answer is no. Miss 13 and Miss 15 are quite enough for the long term!
Miss 8 is really sweet. You would not know that she has had so much trauma and confusion in her life. She loves reading, playing, drawing and going to school. She is always excited about whatever is next in the day - and always the first to ask everyone else how their day has been. Quite beautiful manners. Though, concerning that she can lie very quickly. She will own up again as soon as she knows she has been caught out - a bit of a defence thing, a fear of being in trouble.
Well that's us for now... It's hard to keep thinking of things to write when things are going okay. Hopefully I don't have any drama to come back with any time soon - I guess the next time you'll be hearing from me will be after our date in court :)
But things are good. We have four children at the moment, and things are fairly harmonious. Though...if even one of them could sing harmoniously I'm sure my ears wouldn't ring quite so much.
Miss 15 is very quiet. Doesn't say a lot (Can't say a lot yet!) but is the most helpful of them all. She will often do everyone else's jobs before any of us even notice she is missing! Really working hard at the moment of getting her out of her bedroom and into being an active member of the family.
Miss 13 is a stereotypical teenager. There isn't really much more to say than that. Delightful, argumentative, kind, mean, friendly, bitchy. And that's just within five minutes. She has been excited about our day in court, but did say today "Well, it's not exactly going to change anything is it". I still have to laugh about her comment to her Bio mum a couple of days ago - they were expressing their differences on something and Miss 13 says "Far out, some days I feel like I am adopted". Her mum and I saw the funny side of it - she had NO idea, why we were laughing. The nice part about this is that she is obviously just so comfortable with who she is and where she fits that "adopted" isn't the insult it is that most kids would use against their parents!
Mr 12 is settling down. Not being quite as protective of his things or his sister as he once was. He met with his lawyer last week, and he seems to be fairly comfortable with where things are at. He still is very determined that home is where he will return within 6 months. I'm not so confident. The lawyer asked us if we were in a position to take him and his sister permanently. The answer is no. Miss 13 and Miss 15 are quite enough for the long term!
Miss 8 is really sweet. You would not know that she has had so much trauma and confusion in her life. She loves reading, playing, drawing and going to school. She is always excited about whatever is next in the day - and always the first to ask everyone else how their day has been. Quite beautiful manners. Though, concerning that she can lie very quickly. She will own up again as soon as she knows she has been caught out - a bit of a defence thing, a fear of being in trouble.
Well that's us for now... It's hard to keep thinking of things to write when things are going okay. Hopefully I don't have any drama to come back with any time soon - I guess the next time you'll be hearing from me will be after our date in court :)
Wednesday 18 November 2015
Sorry it's been so long
Sometimes things get so busy, that I just can't spare the five minutes in my day to blog. The last two weeks have been just like that! Unfortunately, the longer I leave it - the less I have to say. I think it is because it is hard to prioritise (and remember...a lot of my reason for starting a blog was so that I remembered things!)
So why have the last two weeks been so busy.
Part One: Our gangsta.
The little gangsta boy we had, did indeed return to us after his first night. We got through a few more days, but then he started to display some fairly threatening behaviours. We wouldn't have a bar of that, he didn't respond to discipline - long story short he ran away and had to be picked up by the police. To start with I felt pretty gutted about the whole thing. But I know it's important to remind myself that you can't save them all! Just do what you can, where you can, the best you can. That won't be right for everyone.
Part Two: Miss 13's sister
She has consumed a bit of my mind lately. She has returned from a substantial period of time "out of harms way", and the transition back into every day society has not gone well. I have had a fairly big emotional involvement in this youngsters life. She asked for me to be a part of her life, and how can you say no to that! She was supposed to be coming to stay this weekend...but, with hubby away, decided it was best to postpone til the following weekend so that I have some back up!
Part Three: My job.
I was offered another job. One that would pay substantially more, and enable me to follow one of my passions quite closely. However, I had several talks with my own boss (I use the word in lieu of a better option...she certainly isn't bossy!) and we managed to find some ways to make my job work for me, that will enable me to see through some changes I am very passionate about. So yes...there are other passions but alongside that...I have an unfinished job where I am. That ultimately leads to the same long term outcomes. The difference is that I know I have someone that I find pretty inspiring to look up to, and to help lead me through the management part of my job - the people management! The bit I find really hard. So hopefully with her support I will not only see my plans through, but gain some confidence as a leader and manager of people myself. I will still have the skills (plus more of them) to get offered that other job again when the time is right!
Part Four: Court.
One week and a bit to go!
Part Five: Siblings. Miss 8 and Mr 12 are well settled. Miss 8 more so. Mr 12 is having to think about new schools for next year, alongside having no idea what is future will hold in terms of where he will live. So that is hard! A child I work with has just given him 100s of magic cards...so he is in heaven at the moment. Combined with those from a colleague on Friday, and we have a kid with something to do now!
Part Six: Miss 15.
I have been reading a bit about the country miss 15 comes from. It has sickened me to find out genocide is an actual happening thing right now - 2015. WHAT THE? Actually!
Part Seven: Health
Somethings gone awol with my blood pressure. I had to go along and get it checked a couple of times...and, well...don't know what's causing it. Likely I need to exercise more...but I eat pretty good - and even though I am crazy busy at times I'm not that stressed (though I have been the last week...so could be why it shot up). Anyway - have to go and get some blood tests done.
Part Eight: Christmas
I can't believe how quickly the last couple of weeks have gone. I have all but finished christmas shopping....but three out of four children have their birthdays within 6 weeks of christmas...so I have to keep my thinking hat on - and my keen shopping eye on online sales.
Part Nine: Because
Because if I put a part nine, I can be one step closer to a ten part story.
Part Ten: Did it.
Did you read to the end! See what I mean? Not much to say when you leave it so long as the details drop out!
So why have the last two weeks been so busy.
Part One: Our gangsta.
The little gangsta boy we had, did indeed return to us after his first night. We got through a few more days, but then he started to display some fairly threatening behaviours. We wouldn't have a bar of that, he didn't respond to discipline - long story short he ran away and had to be picked up by the police. To start with I felt pretty gutted about the whole thing. But I know it's important to remind myself that you can't save them all! Just do what you can, where you can, the best you can. That won't be right for everyone.
Part Two: Miss 13's sister
She has consumed a bit of my mind lately. She has returned from a substantial period of time "out of harms way", and the transition back into every day society has not gone well. I have had a fairly big emotional involvement in this youngsters life. She asked for me to be a part of her life, and how can you say no to that! She was supposed to be coming to stay this weekend...but, with hubby away, decided it was best to postpone til the following weekend so that I have some back up!
Part Three: My job.
I was offered another job. One that would pay substantially more, and enable me to follow one of my passions quite closely. However, I had several talks with my own boss (I use the word in lieu of a better option...she certainly isn't bossy!) and we managed to find some ways to make my job work for me, that will enable me to see through some changes I am very passionate about. So yes...there are other passions but alongside that...I have an unfinished job where I am. That ultimately leads to the same long term outcomes. The difference is that I know I have someone that I find pretty inspiring to look up to, and to help lead me through the management part of my job - the people management! The bit I find really hard. So hopefully with her support I will not only see my plans through, but gain some confidence as a leader and manager of people myself. I will still have the skills (plus more of them) to get offered that other job again when the time is right!
Part Four: Court.
One week and a bit to go!
Part Five: Siblings. Miss 8 and Mr 12 are well settled. Miss 8 more so. Mr 12 is having to think about new schools for next year, alongside having no idea what is future will hold in terms of where he will live. So that is hard! A child I work with has just given him 100s of magic cards...so he is in heaven at the moment. Combined with those from a colleague on Friday, and we have a kid with something to do now!
Part Six: Miss 15.
I have been reading a bit about the country miss 15 comes from. It has sickened me to find out genocide is an actual happening thing right now - 2015. WHAT THE? Actually!
Part Seven: Health
Somethings gone awol with my blood pressure. I had to go along and get it checked a couple of times...and, well...don't know what's causing it. Likely I need to exercise more...but I eat pretty good - and even though I am crazy busy at times I'm not that stressed (though I have been the last week...so could be why it shot up). Anyway - have to go and get some blood tests done.
Part Eight: Christmas
I can't believe how quickly the last couple of weeks have gone. I have all but finished christmas shopping....but three out of four children have their birthdays within 6 weeks of christmas...so I have to keep my thinking hat on - and my keen shopping eye on online sales.
Part Nine: Because
Because if I put a part nine, I can be one step closer to a ten part story.
Part Ten: Did it.
Did you read to the end! See what I mean? Not much to say when you leave it so long as the details drop out!
Friday 6 November 2015
Internal musings of a me.
I have been a little thin on the blog the last few weeks (unfortunately not thin on the hips!) and that would be because I have been too busy! I hate the word busy. But it's plain and simple truth!
In the house at the moment we have miss 8, mr 11, mr 12, miss 13 and miss 15. Things settled really well after the departure of Mr 7, and of course it wasn't long before the call came in for Mr 11.
Mr 11 is about the toughest kid we have had so far. He is a gangbanger, his uncle is president of said gang. But there is one thing plain and simple in my mind : he is an 11 year old boy who has been in foster care for five years... And he needs love. He has, unfortunately, found that feeling of acceptance in the wrong places. I don't know if he will be back tonight. He has an illegal plan in place for the day. I just hope like crazy that when I said 'if you don't, you can come home with me again tonight'. He liked it with us. He admitted it. I think despite his staunch nature he really does want to come home tonight. What he doesn't know is I peeked in on him at 9pm... He was sound asleep, he was just a (not so) little kid. No bandanas. No slouched shoulders. No clenched fists. Just peace.
Miss 15 is still experiencing some culture shock. Our environment is so much further developed than hers. We had an electricity problem the other night. I came home to no power... As soon as the garage door wouldn't open and I could see the neighbours lights on... My heart sunk as I knew there was something wrong. I called for help (when husband is out of town for 4 weeks... And doesn't answer his phone ... You get a good list of support people!) I was advised to turn everything off then try resetting the fuses. (Still no luck... Turned out, long story short, miss 13 had spilt water from her fish tank in the multi box and the rcd switch had blown in order to prevent us all being electrocuted!) Miss 15 was on doing laundry that day. When I asked her to do the laundry it didn't occur to me that I had only taught her how to turn the machine on when it was already switched on at the wall. Turns out when someone isn't used to electricity they don't know to turn it on!
Mr 12 and Miss 8 became briefly unsettled earlier in the week when they were told it would be at least 6 months before they would get to go back to mum. They have settled again now though and I have assured them that they are welcome here and that they aren't going to have to move again.
Miss 13 is getting pretty excited about our court date. It's only a couple of weeks ago. She has really come around to the fact that this is actually happening. Her mum has been surprisingly helpful in reducing some of her anxiety around it and has told her "you are just going to have two mums, and two homes now....most people only get one. These people can give to you what I can't manage". So full credit to her.
I have still been dealing with the internal dilemma of what to do next year. Part time work, full time work, teaching, not teaching, same school, different school. And although this isn't a school blog, it's a fostering blog - I am going to share a brief update because I did make the post about wondering whether or not to give up work to foster full time. The short response to any questions at the moment is "I don't know". And my general comment is - don't ask. I am extremely torn between a couple of options at the moment, and asking me isn't wise! I have spoken a lot with my extremely supportive and inspirational principal. And I have also spoken with a friend who is a principal - because I need to work out exactly what it is I want and need before making a final decision. I am humbled to have so many options available to me. But I am also sort of wishing I didn't have so many options!
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
In the house at the moment we have miss 8, mr 11, mr 12, miss 13 and miss 15. Things settled really well after the departure of Mr 7, and of course it wasn't long before the call came in for Mr 11.
Mr 11 is about the toughest kid we have had so far. He is a gangbanger, his uncle is president of said gang. But there is one thing plain and simple in my mind : he is an 11 year old boy who has been in foster care for five years... And he needs love. He has, unfortunately, found that feeling of acceptance in the wrong places. I don't know if he will be back tonight. He has an illegal plan in place for the day. I just hope like crazy that when I said 'if you don't, you can come home with me again tonight'. He liked it with us. He admitted it. I think despite his staunch nature he really does want to come home tonight. What he doesn't know is I peeked in on him at 9pm... He was sound asleep, he was just a (not so) little kid. No bandanas. No slouched shoulders. No clenched fists. Just peace.
Miss 15 is still experiencing some culture shock. Our environment is so much further developed than hers. We had an electricity problem the other night. I came home to no power... As soon as the garage door wouldn't open and I could see the neighbours lights on... My heart sunk as I knew there was something wrong. I called for help (when husband is out of town for 4 weeks... And doesn't answer his phone ... You get a good list of support people!) I was advised to turn everything off then try resetting the fuses. (Still no luck... Turned out, long story short, miss 13 had spilt water from her fish tank in the multi box and the rcd switch had blown in order to prevent us all being electrocuted!) Miss 15 was on doing laundry that day. When I asked her to do the laundry it didn't occur to me that I had only taught her how to turn the machine on when it was already switched on at the wall. Turns out when someone isn't used to electricity they don't know to turn it on!
Mr 12 and Miss 8 became briefly unsettled earlier in the week when they were told it would be at least 6 months before they would get to go back to mum. They have settled again now though and I have assured them that they are welcome here and that they aren't going to have to move again.
Miss 13 is getting pretty excited about our court date. It's only a couple of weeks ago. She has really come around to the fact that this is actually happening. Her mum has been surprisingly helpful in reducing some of her anxiety around it and has told her "you are just going to have two mums, and two homes now....most people only get one. These people can give to you what I can't manage". So full credit to her.
I have still been dealing with the internal dilemma of what to do next year. Part time work, full time work, teaching, not teaching, same school, different school. And although this isn't a school blog, it's a fostering blog - I am going to share a brief update because I did make the post about wondering whether or not to give up work to foster full time. The short response to any questions at the moment is "I don't know". And my general comment is - don't ask. I am extremely torn between a couple of options at the moment, and asking me isn't wise! I have spoken a lot with my extremely supportive and inspirational principal. And I have also spoken with a friend who is a principal - because I need to work out exactly what it is I want and need before making a final decision. I am humbled to have so many options available to me. But I am also sort of wishing I didn't have so many options!
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
Sunday 1 November 2015
Crisis averted.
Miss 13s sister miss 11 was in town this weekend. Visiting (not for the first time) the new caregivers who will take her in long term next week. Things weren't going well and as a result we were called and asked to take her for the last night. We did. We know her well, and she was fine with us. She is pretty good on a whole and more than happy to have her for the girls to spend some time together.
But what makes me annoyed is the discovery that miss 11s caregivers are going to be PAID to have her. Paid to care and love and provide. I think this is unfair... I don't get paid! I mange worse behaviours than she has and they can call on me for support when they are getting paid to do it? I looked into the agency they care for, and a condition of caring is that you have no other dependant children. But really? Her needs are no more severe than others we have had over the last few weeks and it makes me feel a little pissed. Call on me for support sure... But give me your two days of pay! I won't say yes so easily next time.
nd one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
But what makes me annoyed is the discovery that miss 11s caregivers are going to be PAID to have her. Paid to care and love and provide. I think this is unfair... I don't get paid! I mange worse behaviours than she has and they can call on me for support when they are getting paid to do it? I looked into the agency they care for, and a condition of caring is that you have no other dependant children. But really? Her needs are no more severe than others we have had over the last few weeks and it makes me feel a little pissed. Call on me for support sure... But give me your two days of pay! I won't say yes so easily next time.
nd one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
Thursday 29 October 2015
In the best interests
Sometimes it's hard to see why some things are done why they are. We had to make a decision that Mr 7 had to move on...it was in the best interests of the other 6 people in the house. It was not in his best interests. His social worker should have been standing up for his best interests.
A couple of weeks ago - right in the early stages of things going bad, I asked his social worker for support. I said...his behaviour is deteriorating rapidly...here is what I am doing...here is what works and to what extent...here what I have tried with no effect. I get told "You are doing everything right". The next day "Things are getting worse, I need some more strategies" I get told "We will find a new placement for him" This infuriated me...the social worker should be advocating for the best interests of the child. The social worker should have gone out of her way to make sure that we were surrounded in not only strategies, but practical support.
If I were the social worker I would have come around to the house. Put a safety plan in place, offered up some de-escalating strategies and then asked what practical support we could benefit from. That practical support may have been hard to find, it may have been expensive...it may have taken a week or so to find. But the end outcome would have been supported caregivers, who had the energy left to persevere, and the hope left that they could see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Instead... the best solution is to move the child. Now yes...right at the end things got so hard I said he had to go. But the reality is I had spent two weeks asking for support before I got to that stage. shouldn't the social workers number one priority have been "keep everyone safe, including Mr 7 so that there is not a third placement breakdown within 6 weeks"?
My fear is now that he has gone to the new caregivers unsupported and that in 10 days the process will start again. I just hope that this time they see it as in the best interests of the child to be there and practically support the caregivers so that they can get through until things settle. Because then the best interests of the child are being met. He will have a stable, long term home where he can learn to manage his own behaviour.
Please...remember to vote for my blog...today is my 100th post - and I ain't even on the rankings anymore. If you are on your mobile you need to go to full web mode, as the links don't come up in the mobile format!
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
A couple of weeks ago - right in the early stages of things going bad, I asked his social worker for support. I said...his behaviour is deteriorating rapidly...here is what I am doing...here is what works and to what extent...here what I have tried with no effect. I get told "You are doing everything right". The next day "Things are getting worse, I need some more strategies" I get told "We will find a new placement for him" This infuriated me...the social worker should be advocating for the best interests of the child. The social worker should have gone out of her way to make sure that we were surrounded in not only strategies, but practical support.
If I were the social worker I would have come around to the house. Put a safety plan in place, offered up some de-escalating strategies and then asked what practical support we could benefit from. That practical support may have been hard to find, it may have been expensive...it may have taken a week or so to find. But the end outcome would have been supported caregivers, who had the energy left to persevere, and the hope left that they could see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Instead... the best solution is to move the child. Now yes...right at the end things got so hard I said he had to go. But the reality is I had spent two weeks asking for support before I got to that stage. shouldn't the social workers number one priority have been "keep everyone safe, including Mr 7 so that there is not a third placement breakdown within 6 weeks"?
My fear is now that he has gone to the new caregivers unsupported and that in 10 days the process will start again. I just hope that this time they see it as in the best interests of the child to be there and practically support the caregivers so that they can get through until things settle. Because then the best interests of the child are being met. He will have a stable, long term home where he can learn to manage his own behaviour.
Please...remember to vote for my blog...today is my 100th post - and I ain't even on the rankings anymore. If you are on your mobile you need to go to full web mode, as the links don't come up in the mobile format!
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
Monday 26 October 2015
Return of Mr 7
Mr 7 shouldn't really be back... But it's not like I can let him sleep on the street. I have sent another email tonight to the social workers saying that in order to keep other children safe I am expecting them to act. Hubby goes away again tomorrow and I will have two nights to get through alone, though a friend is able to give Mr 7 some one on one time if needed Wednesday night... So really I have one night to get through alone... But that's all worst case scenario.
His return today went okay. I had a few more tricks up my sleeve after reading a book over the weekend about emotional time out. Giving the child no attention until compliance. On the theory that they will comply as they just can't live isolated very long. (Don't take any advice from that statement... There is so much more to it than that... I will write a post about the strategy later)
And one point he hit another child. Safety plan came into action. 'bedrooms now' and all the rest of the children disappeared. He said 'I'm not going to my room'. I said, you don't have to. I then 'got busy' a strategy from the book. I folded laundry, tidyed up his room. All the while the other children stayed very quiet and out of the way. It was less than five minutes til he took himself to his room and got out a game. I said. 'You play here quietly okay, let me know when you are ready to rejoin the family safely and be kind'. I walked away and let the other children out of their rooms. Success. He came out about 15 minutes later asking to be a safe part of the family.
I asked him to put a shirt on to come to the shops with me. He refused. I told all the other children to hop in the car, and we left. Without him. When I got home he still didn't have a shirt on. So I handed him one and said 'now' he said 'oh my god what the he'll' but he did it and it was over.
Later this evening I asked him to go and have a shower. He very very quickly started showing signs of aggression. I whispered to the other two children I. The room to completely ignore him until he did as he was told. He said 'I'm not going to my room'. They did, and about 30 minutes later he got in the shower when he got out he was given lots of positive attention. The other children played with him for about an hour with no incident.
I don't call it a miricle, I don't know that the strategies will work if he figures out our game plan. But... We got through today with no one being hurt.
Sunday 25 October 2015
Loving a long weekend
Over the weekend we have had a very shy Miss 15, our forever Miss 13, and siblings Mr 12 & Miss 8. Mr 7 has been on a little holiday and will be back in the morning. They haven't found a new placement for him. But hopefully the break will get us through the next few days.
The weekend has been calm by comparison to the last few days. Yesterday we did the housework, went to the library and then went swimming. The first outdoor swim of the season. The kids played happily and got along well. After dinner we played a game and although it was quite a late night for all, they managed well today.
We had to do more housework this morning (there is less to do per person... But with this many in house it has to be done Marie often!) followed by a short shopping expedition where no children wanted to spend their pocket money... But I got sucked into some clearance items (rubbish buns and washing baskets!). We had a cruisey afternoon in the sun. We played giant naughts and crosses and ladder golf (google it... It's a good one). Followed by a bit of chill time (some reading, some drawing and one doing some maths practice). After dinner we played a board game ... A game that by the rules anyone could win... But with three players using English as a second language it wasn't quite so easy. We had to cheat (a lot) just to get the kids off the starting square!
Miss 15, Miss 13 and I all like horror movies - so we topped the night off with one a little more gruesome than I anticipated.
The return of Mr 7 tomorrow does fill me with some anxiety, but thankfully hubby is around for the next 24 hours! Hopefully after a day of school on Tuesday they will have found a new placement for him. Otherwise... Anyone wanna come stay for a few days? I don't mind sharing a room with Miss 13 so you can have my room? Someone who can give a 7 year old loads of attention so he doesn't have to demand it? Or take away the others when I need to calm him?
Friday 23 October 2015
A really hard night
Last night was hard. I ran out of battle. Mr 7 began to kick, punch and bite.
Yeah I was hurt. It isn't the first time he has done this to me. About the third this week. I have tried being patiently consistent with him, but unfortunately last night he took it two steps further. He did the same as me to a child. Boundary broken. He then attacked my cat. We don't know yet if she is okay but every moment today I have been hoping that when I get home she has been to the toilet and her bladder is not injured.
If my cat has serious damage I will not ever forgive him. I know it sounds harsh, but it's true. I don't take hurting animals lightly.
What scares me is that he hurt the cat because he could not gain control of either me or Mr 12. This rings massive alarm bells for me. I have this memory of being told once that those who hurt animals as children grow up to be those that hurt people as adults. Now it could have been some totally un-researched opinion - but nevertheless - it reminds me just what this boy is capable of - especially when he does not have control.
Tonight we are getting a few days break. He is going to another carer til Monday morning. However, he will then have to return to us as there is simply no where else for him to go yet. I have given the social workers a deadline. Tuesday. On Tuesday husband leaves for work for a few days - and I will not be able to manage him on my own. I am afraid he will not only hurt me and my cat. But the children. These children are in care to keep them safe, not to be exposed to constant danger and fear.
Tuesday 20 October 2015
Boys in blue and a trip to the doctor
After Sunday's post we were left with no option but to call the police. Mr 7 pushed Miss 13 over, was sent to his room, and destroyed it. I needed to go in to remove things he could injure himself on and he pinned me to the wall with his bed and began punching me repetitively in the stomach.
The police were amazing (when they finally arrived) and gave him a big talking to. One then took some time to teach him some guitar chords before leaving. He has not inappropriately touched anyone since.
His behaviour was still less than desirable on Monday night, when he kicked me because he didn't want to do his homework. While these things were happening I was writing very detailed emails to Social Workers, so I didn't have the time to blog details.
The social workers have all agreed it is in the best interests f all of the children if he is moved to a placement with no other children. I'm not 100% in agreement... But as they don't actually have a placement for him I haven't given them my reasons, by time they find a placement I may be well and truely over it. However, my concern is this. Picking him up and moving him is not solving a problem. This is his third placement. His first one there were no other children, and thr physical violence was a problem at both previous placements. Wouldn't it make more sense to surround us with support in dealing with the issues? And help him learn what positive safe behaviours are that aren't going to drive anyone nuts eventually.
Unfortunately I don't think the social workers involved have any idea how what strategies to try and just keep telling us we are doing everything right. Maybe we are, but it doesn't actually help! I have asked for him to get a respite placement this weekend as we will be rather busy and won't be able to give him much one on one attention.
Anyhow, I have been asking for me 7 to see a doctor since the second day in our care. All along I have felt something was wrong and that he had an ENT infection of some sort. He finally got to see a doctor today and he has been so badly infected for so long that he has a perforated ear drum, and no memory of when it last didn't hurt. Having been a number of years since he has been to the doctor and they are talking a hospital visit in order to get it sorted that we are talking months not days. He also has such severe decay in his teeth that he will need a hospital visit for those too. His back teeth have literally all but disappeared... This poor child has been in PAIN for as long as he has ever known but not been able to identify pain.
Any idea where I am heading here? I gave him some pain relief after talking to the chemist. We haven't had any behavioural problems all night, he didn't complain of being hungry (didn't even finish dinner). Maybe our strategies are paying off. Or maybe, just maybe... He has expressed his pain through aggression. I'd be a write off with one infected tooth or ear. Let alone a perforated ear drum and a mouth full of holes and rot.
Mr 12 and Miss 8 had a visit with their mum yesterday. Se gave them their 'stuff'. Unfortunately when I opened it all up it wasn't there stuff, but more or her rubbish. Loads and loads and loads of it. She must have nothing left (believe that 1) she is a hoarder and 2) she is homeless) so is saying it belongs to the kids to get it looked after. Thankfully I opened it first as there is all sorts in there... From unopened nicotine patches, antipsychotic drugs and mental health wars admission papers. Needless to say it has all been moved to the garage while social workers decide what to do with it. Mr 12 shows similar tendencies toward hoarding. He will not throw a thing away. Not even food packets.
Miss 13 did remarkably well today. She even cooked dinner and asked mr 7 if he wanted to learn how to make meatballs. She is really struggling with math despite it being her favourite subject. She is incredibly impatient with herself and doesn't take the time to learn a process, just thinks she is dumb because she doesn't know the answer to 4/5ths if 2500 straight away. She has huge gaps, but I wish she could see how far she has come. I think for future kids I may hold on to samples of what they are capable of when they arrive to show them further down the track. Dumb people don't make that much progres... I need to show Miss 13 she isn't dumb.. I just wish I had kept the evidence.
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
Monday 19 October 2015
It takes a village to raise a child
A lot of people say " I don't know how you do it" "I couldn't do what you are doing". The reality is that we don't do it alone. You are doing it, you are helping.
The beds the kids sleep in were donated by friends.
The clothes the kids wear were donated by friends.
The before and after-school drop offs are done by friends.
The encouraging words when we need them are done by friends.
The babysitting so we can continue to do training is done by friends.
The babysitting so we can have our Wednesday nights off, is done by friends.
The people who run around and pick things up for us because we just can't quite get there...
Not everyone has space or skill to manage troubled children, but every one can make a difference. This blog post is to acknowledge all of you who DO do it. Who do make a difference!
It really does take a village to raise a child, and don't sit there thinking I can't do it - You are doing it - simply by being there for all of those things we need. It's been quite a humbling experience - I was never one to ask for help or depend on others - but now I need it to survive.
PS. We have this Wednesday covered, but still after the rest of the Wednesdays for this term. I don't think that there is anyone out there fully available...But if you are willing to book in for "A wednesday" from 6.45 - 9pm - please let me know. We have 6 more to get through! And having a night doing things we like is really important to us continuing to do this!
XX
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
The beds the kids sleep in were donated by friends.
The clothes the kids wear were donated by friends.
The before and after-school drop offs are done by friends.
The encouraging words when we need them are done by friends.
The babysitting so we can continue to do training is done by friends.
The babysitting so we can have our Wednesday nights off, is done by friends.
The people who run around and pick things up for us because we just can't quite get there...
Not everyone has space or skill to manage troubled children, but every one can make a difference. This blog post is to acknowledge all of you who DO do it. Who do make a difference!
It really does take a village to raise a child, and don't sit there thinking I can't do it - You are doing it - simply by being there for all of those things we need. It's been quite a humbling experience - I was never one to ask for help or depend on others - but now I need it to survive.
PS. We have this Wednesday covered, but still after the rest of the Wednesdays for this term. I don't think that there is anyone out there fully available...But if you are willing to book in for "A wednesday" from 6.45 - 9pm - please let me know. We have 6 more to get through! And having a night doing things we like is really important to us continuing to do this!
XX
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
Sunday 18 October 2015
Behaviours that are totally unacceptable
At a training session recently we were asked: What behaviours do you draw the line at. It was a hard question. Lying, drinking, smoking. This weekend I added one to that list. Sexualised behaviours.
It is one I will talk to the social workers about on Monday.
This weekend in our house we have had Miss 13 and her friend Miss13b, Mr 12, Miss 8 an Mr 7. Mr 7 is the one with the sexualised behaviours that we hadn't seen until this weekend. With that many kids there is CONSTANT play. If someone doesn't want to play, someone else does! It's great from my perspective as I don't need to entertain. But Mr 7 needs to be taught boundaries, and this is something that is not easy. He has on multiple occasions grabbed the breasts of both Miss 13 and Miss 13b, and once grabbed Mr 12 in the nether region. This behaviour has not been tolerated at all. It is instant, that is wrong. He has also had one on one conversations about okay places of the body to touch. We have instated a hands only rule in the house for the time being. This is because we can't have eyes every where at once and we need to keep all children safe. It's a bit hard when Mr 12 wants to tickle his little sister Miss 8. But they have all witnessed the behaviour so I think they understand. It is hard though, as kids this age love to play physically, and when its raining and gail force winds there aren't a heck of a lot of ways to get physical safely! I will be calling the case worker responsible for Mr 7 on Monday and asking for some pretty decent advice. I won't tolerate it. Although Miss 13b has left now, and Mr 12 hasn't had any incidents with Mr 7 since Saturday morning - Miss 13 needs to be my priority. She is here permanently, she can't just leave if it gets too hard. I will not let her be hurt even if it means Mr 7 needs to go elsewhere. And I will make that decision if I need to. I don't want to let Mr 7 down. But there are other children (including another teenage girl coming on Tuesday) that need to be kept safe too.
I have been really happy with the addition of Mr 12 and Miss 8. They are both able to entertain themselves quietly, but also able to play and have fun too. Mr 12 has displayed a couple of annoying features. I think they may be cultural but haven't had chance to research yet. Such as - "I will not eat sandwiches for lunch, I will only eat pizza." "Sorry buddy - it's sandwiches or you go hungry. " " Fine but it has to be ham, cheese, lettuce. " "Sometimes I say, but with 7 people in the house - chances are you'll have spreads most days." I have deliberately only served sandwiches with spreads all weekend - even though I'd usually do something a bit nicer in the weekend. He has given in and started eating them.
I also asked Mr 12 to make his bed this morning. "Why do we have to make our own beds? " he asked..."Because I'm not your slave. Would you like me to show you how to do it so you know for tomorrow?" "No, I know how" he said, then made his bed.
Mr 7 loves cleaning! He asked to change his daily job from setting the table to cleaning the toilets. I didn't object. The first time he cleaned the toilet it took him 30 minutes. You could have eaten out of it!
Mr 7 ran away again. He actually hid on the property, but we couldn't find him. Mr 12 and Miss 13 found him just as we were calling in back up. He hid behind a concrete retaining wall. He has now got an outdoor safe place to run away too. We will see if that one works.
Miss 8 is totally sweet. Loves to sit and read. Loves to play. Loves to go for a drive. She seems pretty easy going. She doesn't like pork, porridge or marshmallows. Think I can live with that.
Miss 13 is dealing with all pretty well. She does seem to wind the others up a little though. She is a bit of a nark! I think this is linked to her trying to be the responsible forever child. Letting us know when things go wrong...but it really just winds the others up and gets her arguing with them. Need to remember some of those things we learnt when we had her sister living with us. About giving her certain things for being responsible for so that she doesn't need to take ownership of everything.
So yes, busy weekend. But it's not as hard as you may think. I read my book for an hour this afternoon while everyone had some quiet time (Quiet time has to be enforced for everyones sanity, including the children. Only Mr 7 doesn't handle it well).
Husband has taken the girls out to the supermarket, and the boys are having some TV time. It keeps even Mr 7 quiet - so I have got the lunches made for tomorrow and updating my blog!
18/10/15
Hungry complaints back today from Mr 7. It must be linked to just needing something to complain about and first thing that comes out. He has asked for less food in his lunchbox because he can't eat it all.
Has been displaying some sexualised behaviours. Has been inappropriately touching Mr 12 and Miss 13. (started yesterday morning, firm but quick and fair reminders that wasn't okay) When confronted about this this afternoon he ran away. It took all of us about half an hour to find him. He then came back inside and pushed Mr 12 across the room. He started to have a go and husband too. He did go to his room and calm down then talk about his behaviours. He has been given very clear appropriate boundaries to stick to - and been made to think about how it makes others feel.
Miss 8 and Mr 12 settling in nicely. Discovered most of their things are not clothes! There was a lot of rubbish that I threw out. But a few bags of their mums stuff - photo albums, clothes, make up, even her toothbrush. I've just stored it all away and will discuss with their social worker on Monday. I believe their mum doesn't currently have a home - so it could be she just gave everything to the kids knowing they'd have somewhere to put it. I have a friend dropping some clothes off for Mr 12 at 5pm and someone else looking for some clothes for girls. So hopefully we will have enough to get through until their social worker takes them shopping.
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
Friday 16 October 2015
Super quick post as I anticipate an early start tomorrow. Yes two
More little people. Miss 8 and mr 12. Brother and sister. So far really lovely :). Sadly their mum
Dropped them at a backpackers. Paid the first night and never came back. Big kid abandonment. Mum has been found but for obvious reasons not considered a fit parent at this time. These lovelys are from an extremely different ethnicity to our own. Will be interesting to see how the connection goes.
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
We made it a week with Mr 7.
This time last week we met Mr 7. It's quite hard to believe it was only a week ago that we were making a mad scramble for some clothes and toys! Still some things to get sorted...like a regular sitter - but we have next week covered and that's enough to put my mind at ease for now!
Please feel free to put your name down for a Wednesday, any between now and the end of the school term!
We have had many successes, but there is more to come.
I think we are on top of the food thing! Thank you so much to all of you who sent messages or comments with advice. We have taken on board elements of most things, and Mr 7 hasn't complained of being hungry for a few days now! Couldn't do this sort of thing without all of our friends cheering us on with little tidbits of advice.
I always read articles and stuff about not telling other parents how to do their job...blah, blah...I totally thought I'd feel that way - and strongly. Because I like to do things my way, and figure them out for myself. But you need a village to raise a child, and I am very thankful for my village of people giving me suggestions on what to change! But still not telling me what to do! Anyone have dessert suggestions that aren't fruit? That take into account allergies with dairy, egg and nuts? It would nice to be able to give a treat in the weekend!
Making huge steps in behaviour too. The marble/stone jar is working really well. He has lost some marbles (don't we all??) during the week, and I have found it particularly effective having him move the marbles himself as a tangible consequence of his actions. He has been a super star at school. He has not had one hiccup since Monday. He has been allocated a teacher aide just for him, and it has really helped him feel connected and engaged.
We did have an incident of lying. I gave him money to give to his teacher as she provided him with a homework book (Mr. 7 had never done homework before, so the teacher gave him a book so that we could get started right away). When I picked him up after school I asked him if he had paid the money. He said yes. His teacher aide was standing behind him shaking his head. She was AMAZING. Like actually. She has been so helpful. Not only did she sort the money issue (her sleuth skills discovered he had given it to a student, but she got it back, made him apologise, made him pay for his book and bring me back the change, and told him that I would be giving him a consequence for that (which I did)) She has been helpful in more ways that that though. She has been able to give me daily updates (she also works at the before and after school care) about how is schooling is, what his behavior is like, and how he is feeling overall. She has been crucial in helping him settle - she has organised lunch dates with his siblings to help them get through!
Had a bit of difficulty getting Mr 7 to do his homework last night. He was outside playing while I organised a few things and when I called him in it took about 15 minutes for him actually to come in (and the threat of losing another marble!) He found it really, really hard to sit still. I think we might have to try homework standing up...not sure how we'll go about this yet.
When it got to reading time he got really upset. He started headbutting me, quite hard (miss 13 was quite shocked by it I think...I was fine, but I could see her turning to Mr 32 begging him with her eyes to do something...He, thankfully, just said Mrs 32 has it under control). After about 5 minutes of headbutting me and threatening to run away he said "Okay, I am ready to start now". I was a bit shocked...it was so sudden. It was like he was waiting for me to break, realised I wasn't going to and got on with it. It was great! Hopefully it will be easier next time we go to read!
Well that is a very bitsy, all over the place, you can tell quite rushed blog. But I thought I'd better give an update!
Diary entry below pretty much a copy and paste of most of the above - so don't bother reading!
16/10
I think we are on top of the food thing! Mr 7 hasn't complained of being hungry for a few days now!
We did have an incident of lying. I gave him money to give to his teacher as she provided him with a homework book (Mr. 7 had never done homework before, so the teacher gave him a book so that we could get started right away). When I picked him up after school I asked him if he had paid the money. He said yes. His teacher aide was standing behind him shaking his head. She was AMAZING. Like actually. She has been so helpful. Not only did she sort the money issue (her sleuth skills discovered he had given it to a student, but she got it back, made him apologise, made him pay for his book and bring me back the change, and told him that I would be giving him a consequence for that (which I did)) She has been helpful in more ways that that though. She has been able to give me daily updates (she also works at the before and after school care) about how is schooling is, what his behavior is like, and how he is feeling overall. She has been crucial in helping him settle - she has organised lunch dates with his siblings to help them get through!
Had a bit of difficulty getting Mr 7 to do his homework last night. He was outside playing while I organised a few things and when I called him in it took about 15 minutes for him actually to come in (and the threat of losing another marble!) He found it really, really hard to sit still. I think we might have to try homework standing up...not sure how we'll go about this yet.
When it got to reading time he got really upset. He started headbutting me, quite hard, After about 5 minutes of headbutting me and threatening to run away he said "Okay, I am ready to start now". I was a bit shocked...it was so sudden. It was like he was waiting for me to break, realised I wasn't going to and got on with it. It was great! Hopefully it will be easier next time we go to read!
Please feel free to put your name down for a Wednesday, any between now and the end of the school term!
We have had many successes, but there is more to come.
I think we are on top of the food thing! Thank you so much to all of you who sent messages or comments with advice. We have taken on board elements of most things, and Mr 7 hasn't complained of being hungry for a few days now! Couldn't do this sort of thing without all of our friends cheering us on with little tidbits of advice.
I always read articles and stuff about not telling other parents how to do their job...blah, blah...I totally thought I'd feel that way - and strongly. Because I like to do things my way, and figure them out for myself. But you need a village to raise a child, and I am very thankful for my village of people giving me suggestions on what to change! But still not telling me what to do! Anyone have dessert suggestions that aren't fruit? That take into account allergies with dairy, egg and nuts? It would nice to be able to give a treat in the weekend!
Making huge steps in behaviour too. The marble/stone jar is working really well. He has lost some marbles (don't we all??) during the week, and I have found it particularly effective having him move the marbles himself as a tangible consequence of his actions. He has been a super star at school. He has not had one hiccup since Monday. He has been allocated a teacher aide just for him, and it has really helped him feel connected and engaged.
We did have an incident of lying. I gave him money to give to his teacher as she provided him with a homework book (Mr. 7 had never done homework before, so the teacher gave him a book so that we could get started right away). When I picked him up after school I asked him if he had paid the money. He said yes. His teacher aide was standing behind him shaking his head. She was AMAZING. Like actually. She has been so helpful. Not only did she sort the money issue (her sleuth skills discovered he had given it to a student, but she got it back, made him apologise, made him pay for his book and bring me back the change, and told him that I would be giving him a consequence for that (which I did)) She has been helpful in more ways that that though. She has been able to give me daily updates (she also works at the before and after school care) about how is schooling is, what his behavior is like, and how he is feeling overall. She has been crucial in helping him settle - she has organised lunch dates with his siblings to help them get through!
Had a bit of difficulty getting Mr 7 to do his homework last night. He was outside playing while I organised a few things and when I called him in it took about 15 minutes for him actually to come in (and the threat of losing another marble!) He found it really, really hard to sit still. I think we might have to try homework standing up...not sure how we'll go about this yet.
When it got to reading time he got really upset. He started headbutting me, quite hard (miss 13 was quite shocked by it I think...I was fine, but I could see her turning to Mr 32 begging him with her eyes to do something...He, thankfully, just said Mrs 32 has it under control). After about 5 minutes of headbutting me and threatening to run away he said "Okay, I am ready to start now". I was a bit shocked...it was so sudden. It was like he was waiting for me to break, realised I wasn't going to and got on with it. It was great! Hopefully it will be easier next time we go to read!
Well that is a very bitsy, all over the place, you can tell quite rushed blog. But I thought I'd better give an update!
Diary entry below pretty much a copy and paste of most of the above - so don't bother reading!
16/10
I think we are on top of the food thing! Mr 7 hasn't complained of being hungry for a few days now!
We did have an incident of lying. I gave him money to give to his teacher as she provided him with a homework book (Mr. 7 had never done homework before, so the teacher gave him a book so that we could get started right away). When I picked him up after school I asked him if he had paid the money. He said yes. His teacher aide was standing behind him shaking his head. She was AMAZING. Like actually. She has been so helpful. Not only did she sort the money issue (her sleuth skills discovered he had given it to a student, but she got it back, made him apologise, made him pay for his book and bring me back the change, and told him that I would be giving him a consequence for that (which I did)) She has been helpful in more ways that that though. She has been able to give me daily updates (she also works at the before and after school care) about how is schooling is, what his behavior is like, and how he is feeling overall. She has been crucial in helping him settle - she has organised lunch dates with his siblings to help them get through!
Had a bit of difficulty getting Mr 7 to do his homework last night. He was outside playing while I organised a few things and when I called him in it took about 15 minutes for him actually to come in (and the threat of losing another marble!) He found it really, really hard to sit still. I think we might have to try homework standing up...not sure how we'll go about this yet.
When it got to reading time he got really upset. He started headbutting me, quite hard, After about 5 minutes of headbutting me and threatening to run away he said "Okay, I am ready to start now". I was a bit shocked...it was so sudden. It was like he was waiting for me to break, realised I wasn't going to and got on with it. It was great! Hopefully it will be easier next time we go to read!
Tuesday 13 October 2015
A really quick update
Will keep this super brief with pretty much just the journal entry records. But have one other thing to say. I met mr 7s headmaster today. In summary the school (head, teacher etc) are pretty disgusted with the work of government agency and were pretty upset at how out of the loop they had been kept about everything. My opinion is schools should be better informed. They currently believe Mr 7 should never have been moved from home. He has also always been with his mum, not his grandparents as we were told.
13/10
The good thing is that his hunger seems to have settled down. I think we are on top of it. I think the phrase 'I am hungry' is expressed when something is wanted and he doesn't know what. Often now I have been able to successfully divert attention. In saying that we are still trying to get a doctors appointment and today we got permission to give him a worming pill
He had an excellent day at school, no angry outbursts. A bit reserved though and very clingy to his teacher aide. She told me that mr 7 has always lived with mum and the siblings haven't. That isn't what I have been told til this point so will let agency know In due course that perhaps all info isn't accurate. Had some assessment information given to me also. He is significantly below his peers...at 7 this is a major concern. On his spelling words this week are words such as 'an' 'that'.
Jobs went well. Some difficulty with bed time tonight for the first time but settled pretty quickly when I told him he would lose a happy stone if he didn't.
Monday 12 October 2015
Success!
Success!
I haven't heard "I'm hungry" since about 7.30 this morning. And that was definitely out of boredom (in the car on the way to school...is about 35 minutes) so this afternoon I went to the library and got some audio books - and hopefully that'll fix the mornings.
There was a slight problem at the end of the day - I went to pick Mr 7 up from the social workers office...and he wasn't there - no one had remembered to pick him up from school. Thankfully, the school and figured out something funny was going on - popped him in the after school programme and were working out what to do next when I turned up and the social workers called the school. His siblings were in the after school programme anyway - so he didn't notice he was forgotten, just thought he was spending some time there. I have now arranged for him to go to the after school programme every day after school as it turns out he was still booked in from when he was in the care of his family, just hadn't been for a couple of months.
They also do before school care from 7am as well...so if I can get the funding to put him in there it would make a lot more sense than me taking him to work, him getting picked up by the social worker and dropped at school. It would add 20 minutes or so to each my morning and afternoon, but it would feel a lot more normal for him I think. I was able to get a few things confirmed too...as the staff for the after school programme also work in the classrooms during the day. I found out what grade Mr7is in, got taken to meet his teacher and exchange contact details, and also find out that he trashed his classroom this morning! It wasn't under my watch - phew! I know this is something we will have to begin to manage soon, but in the mean time it is the responsibility of the social workers. Not normally a stance I'd take. But it is important for us to get home settled first.
Tonight after dinner we talked through what to do if he starts to feel angry. He chose that his way of getting through that would be to go to his room, and read a book. We will time 7 minutes from when he starts looking at the pages and then come and talk to him. He came up with all the ideas himself, I just asked questions. What will you do when you get angry to calm down? Read. Where will you do that? My bedroom. How long will you read for? 7 minutes. How will we know if it hasn't been long enough? Start timing once I start reading.
As a part of that we started a system with two jars. Each jar has 10 stones in it (prettish ones - from majong!) every time he completes his jobs (twice a day) he will get to move a stone from :( to :) If he doesn't do his jobs or argues about doing them he will move one from :) to :(. If he does something naughty he will move one from :) to :(, and if he does something extra special he can move one from :( to :). Confused yet? It's not so confusing when you have the items in front of you!
His jobs are: Morning - Get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, brush hair.
Night - Put lunchbox on bench, set table, put toys away, take rubbish downstairs, have a bath at 7pm.
He was really happy with his jobs. I wish they were my jobs.
If on a Saturday morning there are more stones in :) then he will get $6 to spend on pokemon. He can spend it all at once or save it - but we won't make special trips to the shops (well, we might...if there is nothing better to do).
Oh - and if he runs away (leaves the section) then all stones go to the :( jar - because running away is very dangerous, and needs a big consequence.
I haven't heard "I'm hungry" since about 7.30 this morning. And that was definitely out of boredom (in the car on the way to school...is about 35 minutes) so this afternoon I went to the library and got some audio books - and hopefully that'll fix the mornings.
There was a slight problem at the end of the day - I went to pick Mr 7 up from the social workers office...and he wasn't there - no one had remembered to pick him up from school. Thankfully, the school and figured out something funny was going on - popped him in the after school programme and were working out what to do next when I turned up and the social workers called the school. His siblings were in the after school programme anyway - so he didn't notice he was forgotten, just thought he was spending some time there. I have now arranged for him to go to the after school programme every day after school as it turns out he was still booked in from when he was in the care of his family, just hadn't been for a couple of months.
They also do before school care from 7am as well...so if I can get the funding to put him in there it would make a lot more sense than me taking him to work, him getting picked up by the social worker and dropped at school. It would add 20 minutes or so to each my morning and afternoon, but it would feel a lot more normal for him I think. I was able to get a few things confirmed too...as the staff for the after school programme also work in the classrooms during the day. I found out what grade Mr7is in, got taken to meet his teacher and exchange contact details, and also find out that he trashed his classroom this morning! It wasn't under my watch - phew! I know this is something we will have to begin to manage soon, but in the mean time it is the responsibility of the social workers. Not normally a stance I'd take. But it is important for us to get home settled first.
Tonight after dinner we talked through what to do if he starts to feel angry. He chose that his way of getting through that would be to go to his room, and read a book. We will time 7 minutes from when he starts looking at the pages and then come and talk to him. He came up with all the ideas himself, I just asked questions. What will you do when you get angry to calm down? Read. Where will you do that? My bedroom. How long will you read for? 7 minutes. How will we know if it hasn't been long enough? Start timing once I start reading.
As a part of that we started a system with two jars. Each jar has 10 stones in it (prettish ones - from majong!) every time he completes his jobs (twice a day) he will get to move a stone from :( to :) If he doesn't do his jobs or argues about doing them he will move one from :) to :(. If he does something naughty he will move one from :) to :(, and if he does something extra special he can move one from :( to :). Confused yet? It's not so confusing when you have the items in front of you!
His jobs are: Morning - Get dressed, eat breakfast, brush teeth, brush hair.
Night - Put lunchbox on bench, set table, put toys away, take rubbish downstairs, have a bath at 7pm.
He was really happy with his jobs. I wish they were my jobs.
If on a Saturday morning there are more stones in :) then he will get $6 to spend on pokemon. He can spend it all at once or save it - but we won't make special trips to the shops (well, we might...if there is nothing better to do).
Oh - and if he runs away (leaves the section) then all stones go to the :( jar - because running away is very dangerous, and needs a big consequence.
12/10
Breakfast: rice bubbles and his soy milk
Lunchbox for school: two sandwiches, a kiwi fruit, banana, chippies, muesli bar, 3 Biscuits, brownie, and a fruit tails. A bit of junk in there. But wanted to be sure he had enough til he gets home! There was going to be an apple too, but we couldn't fit it in and he put it back in the bowl.
Dinner: Fish, Vegetable chips, coleslaw (HE DIDN'T EAT IT ALL - We WON!)
Mr 7 had a great day with us. School wasn't so good. Heard from his after school teacher that in the morning he trashed a classroom. He moved to a new class after that and now has a fresh start in a new class for the rest of the year. I met his teacher, and found out that he has not done homework. I will send a homework book for him and he will start homework from tomorrow. His after school teachers were very accommodating, and are supportive of us getting a plan that works well for us all - they are glad to have him back.
Dinner: Fish, Vegetable chips, coleslaw (HE DIDN'T EAT IT ALL - We WON!)
Mr 7 had a great day with us. School wasn't so good. Heard from his after school teacher that in the morning he trashed a classroom. He moved to a new class after that and now has a fresh start in a new class for the rest of the year. I met his teacher, and found out that he has not done homework. I will send a homework book for him and he will start homework from tomorrow. His after school teachers were very accommodating, and are supportive of us getting a plan that works well for us all - they are glad to have him back.
Sunday 11 October 2015
Hunger
I'm worried we are under feeding mr7 (aka Pikachu... We now have an age!) he constantly complains of being hungry. Constantly. Even when he is just finished eating. He eats more than Mr31! I don't know if he has worms, if he is saying hungry instead of board or thirsty, or if he is just a growing boy! I have checked with parents of kids a similar age and it really does sound like he is eating enough... I don't know if I should believe him. Every time he is hungry I say 'have a piece of fruit' if he doesn't want the fruit I figure he isn't that hungry or he would eat it.
He had a play today with a friends boy. It went really well, he played happily and although a little rough... He was happy and well intentioned.
We had our first sign of the defiance we had been warned about. We had a run away as Mr 7 was asked not to keep flinging the leg rest on the couch up and down or it would break. After a dozen asks I told him one more time and you can go to your bedroom! He ran away instead. Boy is he fast.
11/10/15
This morning for breakfast Pikachu had cornflakes, followed by some fruit. He had brownie and fruit for morning tea. Two sausage sizzle sausages with tomato sauce for lunch, and when we got home he had three more pieces of fruit between 4 and 5. Didn't want him eating anything too substantial right before dinner. Having so many allergies makes it a little difficult to think of healthy and desirable snacks. Probably feed him less today than other days but the rest of us coped fine!
For dinner he happily polished of a plate of corned beef and vegetables before announcing he was still starving... Sorry but that is impossible! He ate as much as we did. I think it must just be what he says! Packed him a massive lunch for school tomorrow. Couldn't fit it all in his lunchbox. Have talked to him about saving some for afternoon tea on the drive home. If that doesn't work I may have to give him less and keep snacks in the car.
Pikachu ran away tonight because he wasn't able to keep fiddling with the leavers in the couch. Boy he is fast. Once he got out on the main road I had husband call the after hours social worker. He was running and hiding in the bushes and thought back up was better when we could still find him than have a whole search and rescue team. I found him, well more he found me. He threw handfuls of leaves at me... Hmm at least it wasn't bricks. He yelled at me for a wee while, but eventually the need for dinner got the better of him and he took off home. After about 15 minutes of cooling off he was able to tell me why playing with the leavers wasn't okay, and what he needs to do instead of running away. He ate dinner and was effected happy again by bath time. He told me after his bedtime story that he doesn't hate me any more.
Saturday 10 October 2015
We have a clothes size
Through trying on lots we have discovered Mr Pikachu is a size 7. Roughly. He has an amazing memory, he won a game of memory with me 24 pairs-2 pairs (the last two). I was constantly stunned. No matter how well I shuffled he remembered where every card was after one time of turning it over!
He has been pretty happy today. I have learnt that his clothes need to match. Orange tshirt means orange shorts. May become interesting after three days. Thanks so much to those who have given it arranged to give us toys and clothes.
10 October 2015. 2.30pm
Noticed today when Pikachu was getting dressed that he didn't want to wear anything with long sleeves or legs. He was adamant when going through donations of clothes that only shorts and shirts went in his drawers. I asked him why. He said 'they hurt' I'm wondering if this is because of his eczema, or a sign of a sensory processing problem. He did wear long pyjamas, but slept with no covers.
His skin seemed less itchy, in fact I haven't seen him scratch anything other than his left hand. His speech impediment has improved dramatically, indicating to me it could be anxiety connected. However I am a little confused on this as it is in his notes that it is severe and nothing much has made a difference.
Very blocked up in sinuses still. Will not blow his nose! He lied about having his asthma inhaler twice and I needed to supervise him having it to ensure it was done.
Some defiance when asked to clean up. Was asked half a dozen times to put coloured pencils away. He did eventually do this when I sat on the ground with him and gave him one instruction at a time.
Happily ate honey sandwich (with marj) for lunch, followed by a pear and some chocolate brownie. Half an hour later he was hungry again. I told him he could have another piece of fruit but chose not to. So I told him to have a drink of water in case he was thirsty not hungry.
8.48pm
The afternoon went perfectly. Mr Pikachu offered to do the vacuuming. Of course I let him. He did a Stella job and despite me continually telling him he had done enough he did the kitchen as well as the lounge.
He had a treat of a small frozen Coke afterward with the promise not to become hyperactive. He didn't... Phew.
He ate steak, salad, roasted potato, and garlic bread. He didn't quite eat all of the steak but said he was full and didn't want anymore.
He spent an hour in the bath and was a bit of a challenge to get him out. After sliding up and down the sides a bit he got out and dried himself. Before he dressed though he ran down the hallway smacking himself on the bottom saying 'why are you smacking me? What did I do? Why are you smacking me'. I told him 'that's enough of that' he did get dressed and went to bed with no worries. We read a book and it took him a bit longer than last night, maybe half an hour, to get to sleep.
Friday 9 October 2015
When you don't even know their age
Normally when I blog I use a child's age in order to identify who I am talking about but also keep their identity unknown to all but those physically here in our lives. It's a bit hard to hide a child over a dinner after all!
However Mr Pikachu came to us today and we don't know his age. We got told one age by his date of birth (not necessarily accurate...-!; and the social workers, a year older by him, but the grade at school suggests yet another year older. So we won't know more til Monday.
Pikachu comes to us with a raft of challenges. He has a severe speech impediment (it's really sad... I have had to ask him to repeat himself on the same sentence more than five times just to decipher something... Other times he is quite clear), he has some very challenging behaviours of which I will not speculate (fresh start) and a range of health problems that has lots of people unsure about his exact needs. He also has a range of food allergies that we will need to watch.
Because of this range of issues I am going to try and use this blog as a diary over the next few weeks. Partly as a double whammy. One, an accurate record of what is going on for his health, academic and social work specialists. Secondly, as I have been overwhelmed by the help from those in my circle of friends for their generosity, and felt they may want to follow along now that they have a special connection.
I am going to need to write from a slightly different tone, so diary entry type posts I will do in italics. This will help me easily find them and copy and paste them when I need them too. I may not hit publish everyday, but I will try and keep notes everyday. Even if it is just food that is eaten. That way it may help us help the professionals work out exactly what his food allergies are.
9 October 2015
Pikachu was quite excited to meet us at around ten this morning. He was very quick to start on a range of complaints such as not being able to wear a seatbelt as it hurts his hand, not being able sit in a car seat as it hurts his back. I didn't engage in those conversations I just said, It's the law, it's not something we have a choice on. There will be plenty of opportunities for choice later. I shut the door and headed back to the drivers side. The door opened. He didn't attempt to get out. I just flicked the kiddy lock and closed the door again before we were in our way.
He chatted quite happily in the car and we quickly identified his love of all things Pokemon. Not something we could really relate to! But acted interested all the same. He also started making things a lot bigger than they likely were... His age started at such a level he should be in high school, not to mention his smoking habit that he was working hard to get on top of. I said a couple of times 'really? I find that hard to believe' but was careful at this stage not to accuse him of lying.
He talked briefly about school but couldn't remember his teachers name. He is excited to go back to school on Monday.
When we were home we let him just find his way around the house and explore. We didn't give him anything to do. But let him get comfortable. He watched some Pokemon, played some guitar (I use the word played loosely), some colouring in and a couple of board games with Miss 13.
At lunchtime he had a ham toastie, an orange and two biscuits. This seemed to satisfy him. He was quickly 'hungry' again but declined all offers of fruit. He was told it was only fruit for now as dinner only a couple of hours away. He was happy with this. He drank half a litre of water with lunch. For dinner he had nachos, his without cheese. He wanted to taste some sour cream and had about a teaspoon. He didn't comment on whether he liked it or not. He had about another half litre of water.
His skin looks extremely dry, and his lower legs have been scratched to bleeding within the last day or so.
He bathes himself happily and when he was done the pyjamas weren't quite dry. He asked for some help tying his towel around him while he waited for the dryer to finish. About ten minutes.
He was given some new toys and books and he played very happily until bedtime wearing a new red jersey wrapped around him. At bedtime I asked him to pick up his school things and pop them in his bag. This was the first sign of defiance. He said 'nah, you can't make me' I changed my request slightly 'could you pop your lunchbox and book in your bag. Thank you' and then turned around and straightened up the books on the shelf. While I was doing that he said 'what are you going to do if I don't' I said calmly 'I don't know, but it will mean tomorrow isn't as fun as it could be'. He said 'I won't be here tomorrow I go home tomorrow'. No I said, you are here for a wee while it definitely won't be tomorrow' he got up, put his things in his bag then got under the covers and started crying. I told him 'it's okay to feel sad, there have been lots of changes today. But you will see your brother and sister in Monday at school.' I picked up the book he had chosen and started reading. He was under the covers but began to peek out to see the pictures. By the end of the book he was looking at the book properly, but still crying. I said good night and asked him if he would like the light on or off. He said off. He was asleep within 5 minutes.
Friday 18 September 2015
Grief
Often when Grief is spoken of it is done so for the most tragic circumstances. Just about always, it's linked to death. But it's not only that. Grief is an emotion that encompasses all aspects of loss. It is an acknowledgement of what could have been, what was had then lost, or what was never an option but a much desired one nonetheless.
I have read a lot of blogs about foster care...that's what I do when I have some quiet time or just need to wind down at the end of the day - it's where I get my passion, and regain my energy. A lot of have talked about things not to say to a foster parent. The one that always sticks out to me is "Wow, I don't know how you do it, I could never give a child away again". The reason this one sticks with me is because of it's explanation of how every foster parent experiences some grief on farewelling a child. We aren't cold and heartless. We don't find it any easier to hand a child on than you would. But we do it anyway - because it's our calling.
When I was washed over with grief this week, I felt the grief wasn't mine to claim. I recognised the feelings. Hopelessness, sadness, anger and a range of other bad mood related signs! I kept telling myself "don't be stupid".
You see, the children I was grieving for were children I had never met. I may never meet. The reason I was grieving for them was complicated. I learnt about their awful pasts. This was not any ordinary abuse. This was torture. This was what you could never dream of. These children had their lives in danger simply by going into care. They had to be hidden from their parents. I was/am grieving for their childhood.
The children I was grieving for I had put a lot of thought into. Can I manage these children, do I have what they need. I had invested time and energy (and argument) into making an extremely hard decision. But ultimately. I made that decision. I made the decision that I would commit to making sure these children had some stability, that they had some hope. I was/am grieving because I doubted my ability to help.
The children I was grieving for ended up going to a more suitable home. Despite my sleepless nights, my unfocussed days. The social worker made a decision that was out of my control. She found a placement that was more suitable. I didn't go too much into the reasons. Basically, I wasn't as available as they needed someone to be for these children. I was/am grieving because I need to work, not change lives. (It could be argued that I change lives at work... yeah I know...but grief is not clarity, is it!)
I am grieving for what could have been. I am grieving for the help I could have offered them but was never given the opportunity. I am grieving because my husband was more of a realist that I was. I am grieving because I care, and I love. So don't ever say "I couldn't do it". Because if I can, so can you. It won't be easy. But it will be worth it.
Thank you TP for encouraging me to write this post. Having my grief acknowledged by someone who has experienced the ultimate of grief - has given me permission to own and deal with my own.
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
Thursday 17 September 2015
Why it's okay to side with the child!
As per usual, when I read something I take out of it what I want to hear. And that's pretty much the rule not the exception! It can be controversial - it can mean I share completely inaccurate information. But it also challenges others to think about why they have their opinions, and to justify those opinions. I play devil's advocate all of the time - with much hatred from some! See previous post about refugees and how many 'friends' I lost! This one is probably no exception, but oh well...I live to make other people think and learn. Deal with it :)
Read the extract below in green, before continuing with reading my post.
With the sound of loons over the lake in the background, I told him why, when I did step into the conversation, it was on her side instead of his.
When I still had a baby on my shoulder and a toddler at my hip, a parent educator slipped a thread of perfectly curled hair behind one ear and told me this: With every interaction we have, we're creating an intimacy roadmap for our kids.
Her eyes, a wise shade of cornflower blue, looked right into my tired hazel ones, and I was sure that she was speaking directly to me. So I placed her words in my back pocket then and I pull them out regularly now. I don't want our girls to think it's an everyday thing for someone who loves them to yell at them or use angry words with them. With time, they'll learn that anger boils and settles, but I don't want them to see it as commonplace or expected, without explanation or apology.
Yes, what I take from that is it is okay to stick up for the child. It is okay to point out your other half's wrongs when your other half is doing something that could become affixed in a road map.It brought back for me a memory from about 9 months ago. I can't even quite remember what it was about. But I remember Mr 31 making a statement at the dinner table that I strongly disagreed with. Miss 13 started buying into the conversation and I put a stop to it. Told Mr 31 that it was wrong, and that it wasn't an impression I wanted Miss 13 to think was okay. It wasn't about undermining him, it was about making sure that her road map had safe roads to follow. (I hear myself arguing with myself here...pointing out every time someone does something wrong isn't going to set them a positive road to follow...I know...my points are flawed...I'm not a talented writer...I'm a passionate one! )
This resulted in some level of conflict. But I stuck by my word. Of course I was apologetic for embarrassing him (there were also others at dinner). But I wasn't sorry for having my opinion. The guilt obviously got to me because I still remember the arguing about the fact I had done it, and not what the original conversation was about.
I'm also very quick to judge. If an adult is yelling at a child, "don't yell, that isn't going to help" (I'm not perfect...I definitely do it to - but when I am the rational adult in the situation I find the clarity!) "Just let it go" "Deal with it later" "please don't". It's all about the road map. It's not about giving the child power. It's about dealing with it when there is calm and rationalization. Why? Because if you start with the yell, they aren't going to listen to your point of view once you are calm as you've already added to the road map in the moment of anger, the rational response is only going to confuse it!
I make the mistakes...I say things I shouldn't, I get upset if I am pulled up on it. But I do know that if it is done with the best intentions for the wellbeing of the child - I will get over it. It's about building a safe and secure road map. For many kids in care the road map they have built looks a little like Japan after the Tsunami. That's not what we're after. Lets build those bridges with calm and rational responses.
No I'm not perfect either. But here is my permission to point out if I am doing something that may muck up a child's road-map! Except don't - because I probably won't like you very much after that.
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
Tuesday 15 September 2015
It's not always tragic
We had a lovely young girl, 7 years old, with us for the weekend.
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
She was an unusual sort of placement, as she was not being placed with us due to the need for uplift. She was with us because her little sister was in intensive care, her parents were waiting, terrified, at her side - and there weren't any other family members around able to help.
She was bright and bubbly (read: really loud). Miss 13 did a super job of bonding with her and we haven't played that much for a long time. It was fun, it was exciting and I was really impressed with both Mr 31 and Miss 13. Looking after these kids is really my thing - but they both formed the attachment this time, and it was really quite lovely.
Feeling good. Not all fostering adventures are outrageous and depressing. Miss 7 returned home and so did her little sister.
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
Friday 11 September 2015
When the heart goes a flutter
I love that feeling I get when I can help a child out! When the phone rings and the agency asks you to take an emergency placement. My brain swings into action, the adrenaline gets running and I start thinking through the little bit of difference I can make. I am SO excited to go home to a little miss 7 tonight! I wonder what she will be like, whether she looks like her name. Just what adventures, challenges and joys we may have!
It's a little painful when the decision is a little harder. We are trying to make a decision about a longer term placement at the moment. For two boys. Mr 6 & Mr 10, who are riddled with their own little mysteries. Including total mutism (is that even the right term...no offence intended if it isn't). They have experienced abuse, possibly one of the worst cases in the history of our developed nation.
We have the skills...we have the patience - but do we have the time to give these boys what they really need. We just aren't sure yet. It's a decision that will have to be very educated and we are meeting with some SW's on Monday to talk about what the time might look like. It certainly isn't a challenge we are going to be able to take on without overwhelming support from those in our lives. We are going to need regular respite, and a lot of patience from our friends if we take this one on!
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...please do!
It's a little painful when the decision is a little harder. We are trying to make a decision about a longer term placement at the moment. For two boys. Mr 6 & Mr 10, who are riddled with their own little mysteries. Including total mutism (is that even the right term...no offence intended if it isn't). They have experienced abuse, possibly one of the worst cases in the history of our developed nation.
We have the skills...we have the patience - but do we have the time to give these boys what they really need. We just aren't sure yet. It's a decision that will have to be very educated and we are meeting with some SW's on Monday to talk about what the time might look like. It certainly isn't a challenge we are going to be able to take on without overwhelming support from those in our lives. We are going to need regular respite, and a lot of patience from our friends if we take this one on!
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...please do!
Friday 4 September 2015
It SHOULD make you angry.
The world took a moment to think yesterday when images of a Syrian child, washed up on a beach made international headlines. People became passionate. People put their hand up to help. "Outrageous" was the cry from thousands.
Warning. Image may offend. Well bloody oath it should! Doesn't mean you should hide from it!
A month ago the world became passionate about seeing justice and protecting those who can't protect themselves when Cecil the Lion was killed 'for fun'.
Yes. That should offend you too.
But what should really offend you is this. (disclaimer: These statistics are only the result of a quick google search and are not necessarily entirely ac year curate...but they form an accurate enough picture). In America there are 3 million known cases of child abuse per year. In Australia there are 50,000 cases of child abuse every year, 24 deaths of children. In New Zealand there are 12,000 known cases of child abuse every, 10-14 deaths of children. In the UK there are 50,000 idnetified cases of child abuse every year with nearly 100 deaths. Organisations in England estimate that for every 1 child identified there are 8 unidentified cases of child abuse.
This - should be the most offensive image of all.
Please watch this video before you stop reading:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtNYA4pAGjI
Based on my blog statistics, I've covered your country. Now that is something to get angry about! It should be offensive. It should make you stand up and demand change.
It should have you joining face-book pages committing to taking in a child that needs your help. It should have you protesting parliament buildings about doing more.
I do not think that the Syrian boy or Cecil the lion dying are okay. No. No one should suffer. But before you can fix the problems of the developing world - you need to fix the problems in your very own country. It is insanity to think that refugees are going to be any better off when you can't even support your own. By your definition of better off yes - but unless life is quality - what difference does some improvement in quality mean. By all means help these people. But at the same time, help someone a little closer to home.
Go and pick up a homeless person and nurture her to success.
Go and pick up a family that are living out of a car or garage and give them some hope.
Go and register with your foster kids association and give a child a home.
Go to your local school and offer to make lunches for the kids that come starving.
And then
Go and do what you can to change the world.
Change starts on the inside.
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
Warning. Image may offend. Well bloody oath it should! Doesn't mean you should hide from it!
But what should really offend you is this. (disclaimer: These statistics are only the result of a quick google search and are not necessarily entirely ac year curate...but they form an accurate enough picture). In America there are 3 million known cases of child abuse per year. In Australia there are 50,000 cases of child abuse every year, 24 deaths of children. In New Zealand there are 12,000 known cases of child abuse every, 10-14 deaths of children. In the UK there are 50,000 idnetified cases of child abuse every year with nearly 100 deaths. Organisations in England estimate that for every 1 child identified there are 8 unidentified cases of child abuse.
This - should be the most offensive image of all.
Please watch this video before you stop reading:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtNYA4pAGjI
Based on my blog statistics, I've covered your country. Now that is something to get angry about! It should be offensive. It should make you stand up and demand change.
It should have you joining face-book pages committing to taking in a child that needs your help. It should have you protesting parliament buildings about doing more.
I do not think that the Syrian boy or Cecil the lion dying are okay. No. No one should suffer. But before you can fix the problems of the developing world - you need to fix the problems in your very own country. It is insanity to think that refugees are going to be any better off when you can't even support your own. By your definition of better off yes - but unless life is quality - what difference does some improvement in quality mean. By all means help these people. But at the same time, help someone a little closer to home.
Go and pick up a homeless person and nurture her to success.
Go and pick up a family that are living out of a car or garage and give them some hope.
Go and register with your foster kids association and give a child a home.
Go to your local school and offer to make lunches for the kids that come starving.
And then
Go and do what you can to change the world.
Change starts on the inside.
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
Sunday 30 August 2015
She is a quick learner...so why does that make me angry?
6 weeks ago Miss 13 and I started learning sign language. I had a few concerns...mainly that it would be too fast for her and she wouldn't pick it up, and getting her to practice at home would be another battle to add to the list.
But this is the thing...every single thing we learnt, she learnt immediately. She has had to do no practice. I have to come home and practice for a little bit every day in order to know all of the words for next week. Now granted, I have retained a lot more than her and am more 'fluent' in creating sentences. However, she can understand sign language much better than I, and it's only confidence preventing her from giving everything a go in class.
She is a blimmin' quick learner. She has learnt so much in simply attending a night school class. She has benefited fully from having an adult next to her encouraging her to 'just give it a go'. Or working on her confidence by showing her the word - so that she knows she is right.
This makes me realise how incredibly unjust it is that she is so far behind at school. Yes...she is making extremely good progress... but there is so much to catch up on that she possibly will not catch up on it all before school is out and University is ready to start. She has career goals that will require her to go to university - so she needs to catch up!
If she had been nurtured in her learning from a young age, there is no possible way she could be behind now. If she had been able to focus on school work instead of the fear of being hurt on her return home - imagine where she'd be today. Instead of needing remedial help - I guarantee she would have been in the class for kids needing extension.
If her learning needs had been met for the first 12 years of her life. If she had been well nourished and free to focus. Wow...just wow. There is no way such a quick learner would be struggling with school now. Just seeing her flourish in something that needs no prior knowledge...shows me just how important filling in the gaps is.
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
But this is the thing...every single thing we learnt, she learnt immediately. She has had to do no practice. I have to come home and practice for a little bit every day in order to know all of the words for next week. Now granted, I have retained a lot more than her and am more 'fluent' in creating sentences. However, she can understand sign language much better than I, and it's only confidence preventing her from giving everything a go in class.
She is a blimmin' quick learner. She has learnt so much in simply attending a night school class. She has benefited fully from having an adult next to her encouraging her to 'just give it a go'. Or working on her confidence by showing her the word - so that she knows she is right.
This makes me realise how incredibly unjust it is that she is so far behind at school. Yes...she is making extremely good progress... but there is so much to catch up on that she possibly will not catch up on it all before school is out and University is ready to start. She has career goals that will require her to go to university - so she needs to catch up!
If she had been nurtured in her learning from a young age, there is no possible way she could be behind now. If she had been able to focus on school work instead of the fear of being hurt on her return home - imagine where she'd be today. Instead of needing remedial help - I guarantee she would have been in the class for kids needing extension.
If her learning needs had been met for the first 12 years of her life. If she had been well nourished and free to focus. Wow...just wow. There is no way such a quick learner would be struggling with school now. Just seeing her flourish in something that needs no prior knowledge...shows me just how important filling in the gaps is.
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
Tuesday 25 August 2015
First night, movie night.
It can be hard to know what to do the first night you have a new foster placement. Kids aren't necessarily up to talking straight away, and games can be a little hard with no words! So using a range of googling methods I have created the following list of movies that you could kick movie night off with.
Be sure to google the move yourself first and read a plot summary. Make sure there are no themes that will trigger something you've read in the child's care plan. Also make sure you look at the ratings for your area. On some lists I found Psycho as recommended for 12 years up...not in my house it's not!
If you know any of these movies please comment letting me know what themes they contain and I'll update appropriately! Feel free to suggest others as well!
Under 5
Jake and the Neverland Pirates
Sofia the First
Toy Story
Finding Nemo
Rio
Cars
Harold and the purple crayon.
Hairy McLairy
Tinkerbell
Smurfs
Alvin and the chipmunks
Under 12
Sound of Music
Mary Poppins
Up
The Indian in the cupboard
James and the Giant Peach
Big Hero
Babe
Charlottes Web (remember, Charlotte dies!)
Homeward bound
ET (Sad!)
Frozen
Wall E
Akeelah and the Bee
12-15years
Jumunji
Fly away home (haven't watched this for years...title suggests may not be appropriate)
The great debators
Sisterhood of the travelling pants
School of Rock
Spiderman
MIB
Bend it like Beckham
The fault in our stars (cancer themes, sex scenes, very sad...use discretion)
15-17 years
Remember the titans
Coach Carter
To sir with love
Hunger games
Stand by me (Bullying themes)
LOTR
Be sure to google the move yourself first and read a plot summary. Make sure there are no themes that will trigger something you've read in the child's care plan. Also make sure you look at the ratings for your area. On some lists I found Psycho as recommended for 12 years up...not in my house it's not!
If you know any of these movies please comment letting me know what themes they contain and I'll update appropriately! Feel free to suggest others as well!
Under 5
Jake and the Neverland Pirates
Sofia the First
Toy Story
Finding Nemo
Rio
Cars
Harold and the purple crayon.
Hairy McLairy
Tinkerbell
Smurfs
Alvin and the chipmunks
Under 12
Sound of Music
Mary Poppins
Up
The Indian in the cupboard
James and the Giant Peach
Big Hero
Babe
Charlottes Web (remember, Charlotte dies!)
Homeward bound
ET (Sad!)
Frozen
Wall E
Akeelah and the Bee
12-15years
Jumunji
Fly away home (haven't watched this for years...title suggests may not be appropriate)
The great debators
Sisterhood of the travelling pants
School of Rock
Spiderman
MIB
Bend it like Beckham
The fault in our stars (cancer themes, sex scenes, very sad...use discretion)
15-17 years
Remember the titans
Coach Carter
To sir with love
Hunger games
Stand by me (Bullying themes)
LOTR
Monday 24 August 2015
Can't foster but want to help?
I'm creating a "First Night" survival kit. Here is what I have on the list of things to go in it so far. If you'd like to contribute please do! If I end up with double ups it doesn't matter - I've recently started a group for foster parents in our local area who I am also sure will benefit from these items in their kits!
The emergency placement survival kit
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
The emergency placement survival kit
A polar fleece blanket
Why? Some kids are too old to snuggle with teddy - but no one is too old to snuggle with a blanket. They are pretty cheap and they can take it with them as a reminder of their stay.
A couple of school books and pens.
If they aren’t at primary school, they probably don’t have a desk. The last thing they want is getting to school and getting in trouble for having no school books!
A colouring book and nice coloured pencils.
It is therapeutic for any age to colour. Get them nice coloured pencils though - nothing more than frustrating having to sharpen every ten seconds. Have a girl one, a boy one, and a sophisticated one.
A nightlight (minilamp)
no matter what age - the dark is scary if you’ve been abused. They can always turn it off if they don’t like it!
Underwear
To be economical…go every second size…Most people can fit a size either way! But you really don’t want to have to be ripping their undies off them to get in the wash that first night. You don’t want to push them to do anything…if they normally sleep with undies on - you don’t want to be asking them to take them off to clean them (think sexual abuse history).
Pyjamas
Pick a couple of sizes! Nothing wrong with pi’s that are a little big.
Head-lice shampoo.
I wouldn’t treat the first night…but you don’t want them to think you’ve gone out and especially brought it for them either. I’ve had to treat myself first as well… then “oh no you caught it off me…lets do you to”
Spare toothbrushes
There is nothing like a new toothbrush - even if they do come with one!
A couple of family friendly movies.
Any age! Talking might not be high on the agenda those first 48 hours. Don’t get sad ones or scary ones. I’ll work on a list at some stage!
Sanitry supplies
If you have teenage/preteen girls on your ‘approved’ placements agenda. They will not want to ask!
A sealable plastic container to keep it all in.
This also doubles as a headlice/drug residue contamination kit! Chuck it all in and leave it til the next day when everything can be cleaned and sorted!
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
Sunday 23 August 2015
Miss 15
Around a year ago we had a young lady in our care. She moved from us to some more long term caregivers, but I retained regular contact. About three months ago I got busy and stopped the regular check ins. I've just caught up with her.
Two months ago she moved back to her family. She is also now self harming again. She is falling behind at school, in more ways than one. This worries me a lot. She hadn't self harmed in a year. She was doing extremely well at school.
I don't really know what to do? It's not my place to rescue her. It's not my place to undermine her mothers efforts. Is it my place to contact social services at let them know things aren't going so well?
Or is this a 15 year old crying out for a little bit of attention. I have to work out whether she is just being dramatic, whether she is just having teenage conflict with her mum.
I think for now I'll touch in with her again tomorrow, and if there are still concerns I'll have to make contact with her social worker. If she is harming herself (actually...) then someone needs to know...regardless of how hard her mum is trying - right?
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
Two months ago she moved back to her family. She is also now self harming again. She is falling behind at school, in more ways than one. This worries me a lot. She hadn't self harmed in a year. She was doing extremely well at school.
I don't really know what to do? It's not my place to rescue her. It's not my place to undermine her mothers efforts. Is it my place to contact social services at let them know things aren't going so well?
Or is this a 15 year old crying out for a little bit of attention. I have to work out whether she is just being dramatic, whether she is just having teenage conflict with her mum.
I think for now I'll touch in with her again tomorrow, and if there are still concerns I'll have to make contact with her social worker. If she is harming herself (actually...) then someone needs to know...regardless of how hard her mum is trying - right?
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.
Friday 21 August 2015
The agency
Today I had a meeting with the child services agency to discuss ways that I could use my education, knowledge and passion to further help the sort of kids that make me tick.
It was incredibly exciting that one of the two people I met with has a very similar vision to my own. So much so that he thinks a job could be created and funding applied to enable me to use my skills within the next 12 months. Now, there is no certainty in any respect. Those above him may not agree, there may be someone better suited with more skills than me, I might decide that direction isn't quite right. But it was exciting to express passions, to have them heard and to actually hear that it was possible, not entirely far fetched.
More interestingly however, was the other person in the meeting. A person who is pretty high in the pecking order. Someone who has quite a bit of influence. Who mentioned that there biggest need was caregivers. I confronted her on that. I told her that I find what she is saying. Hard to believe when we haven't been asked to take a child we don't already have a connection in for over a year.
To say she was gobsmacked is an understatement. Just last week I had a call telling me that they had called every single caregiver in your region and no one was able to take a young girl. They had to put her in a fairly unsatisfactory situation as there wasn't a caregiver available.
I'm calling bullshit. If there was no one available how come we weren't called. We have contacted our office several times reminding them of our availability and desire to help more kids.
She assured me that there would be some very interesting developments in the near future. Watch this space people. I think I may have just inadvertently put a spanner in the works of a government agency.
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