Grief

Often when Grief is spoken of it is done so for the most tragic circumstances.  Just about always, it's linked to death.  But it's not only that.  Grief is an emotion that encompasses all aspects of loss.  It is an acknowledgement of what could have been, what was had then lost, or what was never an option but a much desired one nonetheless.

I have read a lot of blogs about foster care...that's what I do when I have some quiet time or just need to wind down at the end of the day - it's where I get my passion, and regain my energy.  A lot of have talked about things not to say to a foster parent.  The one that always sticks out to me is "Wow, I don't know how you do it, I could never give a child away again".  The reason this one sticks with me is because of it's explanation of how every foster parent experiences some grief on farewelling a child.  We aren't cold and heartless.  We don't find it any easier to hand a child on than you would.  But we do it anyway - because it's our calling.

When I was washed over with grief this week, I felt the grief wasn't mine to claim.  I recognised the feelings. Hopelessness, sadness, anger and a range of other bad mood related signs! I kept telling myself "don't be stupid".

You see, the children I was grieving for were children I had never met. I may never meet.  The reason I was grieving for them was complicated.  I learnt about their awful pasts.  This was not any ordinary abuse.  This was torture.  This was what you could never dream of.  These children had their lives in danger simply by going into care.  They had to be hidden from their parents.  I was/am grieving for their childhood.  

The children I was grieving for I had put a lot of thought into.  Can I manage these children, do I have what they need.  I had invested time and energy (and argument) into making an extremely hard decision.  But ultimately.  I made that decision.  I made the decision that I would commit to making sure these children had some stability, that they had some hope.  I was/am grieving because I doubted my ability to help.

The children I was grieving for ended up going to a more suitable home.  Despite my sleepless nights, my unfocussed days.  The social worker made a decision that was out of my control.  She found a placement that was more suitable.  I didn't go too much into the reasons.  Basically, I wasn't as available as they needed someone to be for these children.  I was/am grieving because I need to work, not change lives.  (It could be argued that I change lives at work... yeah I know...but grief is not clarity, is it!)

I am grieving for what could have been.  I am grieving for the help I could have offered them but was never given the opportunity.  I am grieving because my husband was more of a realist that I was.  I am grieving because I care, and I love.  So don't ever say "I couldn't do it".  Because if I can, so can you.  It won't be easy.  But it will be worth it.

Thank you TP for encouraging me to write this post.  Having my grief acknowledged by someone who has experienced the ultimate of grief - has given me permission to own and deal with my own.






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Why it's okay to side with the child!

As per usual, when I read something I take out of it what I want to hear.  And that's pretty much the rule not the exception! It can be controversial - it can mean I share completely inaccurate information.  But it also challenges others to think about why they have their opinions, and to justify those opinions.  I play devil's advocate all of the time - with much hatred from some!  See previous post about refugees and how many 'friends' I lost!  This one is probably no exception, but oh well...I live to make other people think and learn. Deal with it :)

Read the extract below in green, before continuing with reading my post. 

Link to original article

With the sound of loons over the lake in the background, I told him why, when I did step into the conversation, it was on her side instead of his.

When I still had a baby on my shoulder and a toddler at my hip, a parent educator slipped a thread of perfectly curled hair behind one ear and told me this: With every interaction we have, we're creating an intimacy roadmap for our kids.

Her eyes, a wise shade of cornflower blue, looked right into my tired hazel ones, and I was sure that she was speaking directly to me. So I placed her words in my back pocket then and I pull them out regularly now. I don't want our girls to think it's an everyday thing for someone who loves them to yell at them or use angry words with them. With time, they'll learn that anger boils and settles, but I don't want them to see it as commonplace or expected, without explanation or apology.

Yes, what I take from that is it is okay to stick up for the child.  It is okay to point out your other half's wrongs when your other half is doing something that could become affixed in a road map.

It brought back for me a memory from about 9 months ago.  I can't even quite remember what it was about. But I remember Mr 31 making a statement at the dinner table that I strongly disagreed with.  Miss 13 started buying into the conversation and I put a stop to it.  Told Mr 31 that it was wrong, and that it wasn't an impression I wanted Miss 13 to think was okay. It wasn't about undermining him, it was about making sure that her road map had safe roads to follow. (I hear myself arguing with myself here...pointing out every time someone does something wrong isn't going to set them a positive road to follow...I know...my points are flawed...I'm not a talented writer...I'm a passionate one! )

This resulted in some level of conflict.  But I stuck by my word.  Of course I was apologetic for embarrassing him (there were also others at dinner).  But I wasn't sorry for having my opinion.  The guilt obviously got to me because I still remember the arguing about the fact I had done it, and not what the original conversation was about.

I'm also very quick to judge.  If an adult is yelling at a child, "don't yell, that isn't going to help" (I'm not perfect...I definitely do it to - but when I am the rational adult in the situation I find the clarity!) "Just let it go" "Deal with it later" "please don't".  It's all about the road map.  It's not about giving the child power.  It's about dealing with it when there is calm and rationalization.  Why? Because if you start with the yell, they aren't going to listen to your point of view once you are calm as you've already added to the road map in the moment of anger, the rational response is only going to confuse it!

I make the mistakes...I say things I shouldn't, I get upset if I am pulled up on it.  But I do know that if it is done with the best intentions for the wellbeing of the child - I will get over it.  It's about building a safe and secure road map.  For many kids in care the road map they have built looks a little like Japan after the Tsunami.  That's not what we're after. Lets build those bridges with calm and rational responses.

No I'm not perfect either.  But here is my permission to point out if I am doing something that may muck up a child's road-map! Except don't - because I probably won't like you very much after that.

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It's not always tragic

We had a lovely young girl, 7 years old, with us for the weekend.

She was an unusual sort of placement, as she was not being placed with us due to the need for uplift.  She was with us because her little sister was in intensive care, her parents were waiting, terrified, at her side - and there weren't any other family members around able to help.  

She was bright and bubbly (read: really loud).  Miss 13 did a super job of bonding with her and we haven't played that much for a long time.  It was fun, it was exciting and I was really impressed with both Mr 31 and Miss 13.  Looking after these kids is really my thing - but they both formed the attachment this time, and it was really quite lovely.  

Feeling good. Not all fostering adventures are outrageous and depressing.    Miss 7 returned home and so did her little sister.  

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When the heart goes a flutter

 I love that feeling I get when I can help a child out! When the phone rings and the agency asks you to take an emergency placement.  My brain swings into action, the adrenaline gets running and I start thinking through the little bit of difference I can make.  I am SO excited to go home to a little miss 7 tonight! I wonder what she will be like, whether she looks like her name.  Just what adventures, challenges and joys we may have!

It's a little painful when the decision is a little harder.  We are trying to make a decision about a longer term placement at the moment.  For two boys. Mr 6 & Mr 10, who are riddled with their own little mysteries.  Including total mutism (is that even the right term...no offence intended if it isn't).  They have experienced abuse, possibly one of the worst cases in the history of our developed nation.

We have the skills...we have the patience - but do we have the time to give these boys what they really need.  We just aren't sure yet.  It's a decision that will have to be very educated and we are meeting with some SW's on Monday to talk about what the time might look like.  It certainly isn't a challenge we are going to be able to take on without overwhelming support from those in our lives.  We are going to need regular respite, and a lot of patience from our friends if we take this one on!



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It SHOULD make you angry.

The world took a moment to think yesterday when images of a Syrian child, washed up on a beach made international headlines.  People became passionate.  People put their hand up to help.  "Outrageous" was the cry from thousands.

Warning. Image may offend.  Well bloody oath it should!  Doesn't mean you should hide from it!

A month ago the world became passionate about seeing justice and protecting those who can't protect themselves when Cecil the Lion was killed 'for fun'.

Yes. That should offend you too.

But what should really offend you is this.  (disclaimer: These statistics are only the result of a quick google search and are not necessarily entirely ac year curate...but they form an accurate enough picture).  In America there are 3 million known cases of child abuse per year.  In Australia there are 50,000 cases of child abuse every year, 24 deaths of children.  In New Zealand there are 12,000 known cases of child abuse every, 10-14 deaths of children.  In the UK there are 50,000 idnetified cases of child abuse every year with nearly 100 deaths.  Organisations in England estimate that for every 1 child identified there are 8 unidentified cases of child abuse.

This - should be the most offensive image of all.

 Please watch this video before you stop reading:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KtNYA4pAGjI

Based on my blog statistics, I've covered your country.  Now that is something to get angry about!  It should be offensive. It should make you stand up and demand change.

It should have you joining face-book pages committing to taking in a child that needs your help.  It should have you protesting parliament buildings about doing more.

I do not think that the Syrian boy or Cecil the lion dying are okay.  No.  No one should suffer.  But before you can fix the problems of the developing world - you need to fix the problems in your very own country.  It is insanity to think that refugees are going to be any better off when you can't even support your own.  By your definition of better off yes - but unless life is quality - what difference does some improvement in quality mean.  By all means help these people.  But at the same time, help someone a little closer to home.

Go and pick up a homeless person and nurture her to success.
Go and pick up a family that are living out of a car or garage and give them some hope.
Go and register with your foster kids association and give a child a home.
Go to your local school and offer to make lunches for the kids that come starving.
And then
Go and do what you can to change the world.

Change starts on the inside.


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