tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-64113421359489888502024-03-14T15:22:07.199+13:00Parenting the complicated!Foster Care and Home for LifeChildless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.comBlogger117125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-56839505223608388822016-12-09T08:49:00.000+13:002016-12-09T08:49:04.490+13:00There is a name for that...It's been a very hard couple of months. The permanent three are thriving well. Miss 9 has had some trouble. Unfortunately quite extreme. I can't write the details - because it's actually too painful to think about. Instead I am going to copy and paste from the internet. <br />
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Before I do - I want to acknowledge how hard this is on the other kids (and myself), we are seeing trauma like we have never experienced it before. All of us will be seeing a psychologist several times between now and christmas - as we all need to gain understanding and strategies to deal with what is going on. Most of all Miss 14, who is the sister of Miss 9 - and currently feels like she can't love her because her behaviours are so extreme. Psych team believes we can overcome this - we just need to educate her a little. She remembers much less of the abuse than Miss 9, and did have pretty bad behaviours at the start too. The difference is she has had stability since being in foster care. She hasn't lived in 7 homes adding to the rejection and feeling that makes one feel impossible to love.<br />
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Most of the information I am copying comes from Wikipedia. Only because it explains it in the most user friendly way. I have cross checked with more academic websites and conversations with psychologists and social workers. I have added strikethroughs to behaviours we haven't seen. <br />
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Emotional Dysregulation Disorder.<br />
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<i><b>Emotional dysregulation</b> (<b>ED</b>) is a term used in the <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mental_health" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Mental health">mental health</a> community to refer to an <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotion" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Emotion">emotional</a> response that is poorly modulated, and does not fall within the conventionally accepted range of emotive response. ED may be referred to as <b>labile mood</b> (marked fluctuation of mood)<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-Beauchaine.2C_T..2C_Gatzke-Kopp.2C_L..2C_Mead.2C_H..2C_2007_1-0" style="font-size: 11.2px; line-height: 1; unicode-bidi: isolate; white-space: nowrap;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_dysregulation#cite_note-Beauchaine.2C_T..2C_Gatzke-Kopp.2C_L..2C_Mead.2C_H..2C_2007-1" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;">[1]</a></sup> or <b>mood swings</b>.</i></div>
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<i>Possible manifestations of emotional dysregulation include <a class="mw-redirect" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Angry" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Angry">angry</a> outbursts or behavior outbursts such as destroying or throwing objects, aggression towards self or others, and threats to kill oneself. These variations usually occur in seconds to minutes or hours. Emotional dysregulation can lead to behavioral problems and can interfere with a person's social interactions and relationships at home, in school, or <strike>at place of employment.</strike></i></div>
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<i>Emotional dysregulation can be associated with an experience of early <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_trauma" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Psychological trauma">psychological trauma</a>, brain injury, or chronic maltreatment (such as <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_abuse" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Child abuse">child abuse</a>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_neglect" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Child neglect">child neglect</a>, or <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Institutional_abuse" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Institutional abuse">institutional neglect/abuse</a>), and associated disorders such as <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Reactive_attachment_disorder" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Reactive attachment disorder">reactive attachment disorder</a>.<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-2" style="font-size: 11.2px; line-height: 1; unicode-bidi: isolate; white-space: nowrap;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_dysregulation#cite_note-2" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;">[2]</a></sup> Emotional dysregulation may present in people with psychiatric disorders such as <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Attention_deficit_hyperactivity_disorder" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder">attention deficit hyperactivity disorder</a>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bipolar_disorder" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Bipolar disorder">bipolar disorder</a>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Borderline_personality_disorder" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Borderline personality disorder">borderline personality disorder</a>, and <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Complex_post-traumatic_stress_disorder" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Complex post-traumatic stress disorder">complex post-traumatic stress disorder</a>.<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-pynoosetal_3-0" style="font-size: 11.2px; line-height: 1; unicode-bidi: isolate; white-space: nowrap;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_dysregulation#cite_note-pynoosetal-3" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;">[3]</a></sup><sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-Shore.2C_A..2C_2003_4-0" style="font-size: 11.2px; line-height: 1; unicode-bidi: isolate; white-space: nowrap;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_dysregulation#cite_note-Shore.2C_A..2C_2003-4" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;">[4]</a></sup> ED is also found among those with<strike> <a class="mw-redirect" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Autism_spectrum_disorders" style="background: none; color: #0b0080;" title="Autism spectrum disorders">autism spectrum disorders</a>, including <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome" style="background: none; color: #0b0080;" title="Asperger syndrome">Asperger syndrome</a>.<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-pynoosetal_3-1" style="font-size: 11.2px; line-height: 1; unicode-bidi: isolate; white-space: nowrap;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_dysregulation#cite_note-pynoosetal-3" style="background: none; color: #0b0080;">[3]</a></sup></strike> In such cases as borderline personality disorder, hypersensitivity to emotional stimuli causes a slower return to a normal emotional state. This is manifested biologically by deficits in the frontal cortices of the brain.<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-5" style="font-size: 11.2px; line-height: 1; unicode-bidi: isolate; white-space: nowrap;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_dysregulation#cite_note-5" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;">[5]</a></sup></i></div>
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<i><strike>Smoking</strike>, <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Self-harm" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Self-harm">self-harm</a>, <a class="mw-redirect" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eating_disorders" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Eating disorders">eating disorders</a>, and addiction have all been associated with emotional dysregulation.<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-Macklem.2C_G.L._2008_10-0" style="font-size: 11.2px; line-height: 1; unicode-bidi: isolate; white-space: nowrap;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_dysregulation#cite_note-Macklem.2C_G.L._2008-10" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;">[10]</a></sup><a class="mw-redirect" href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Somatoform_disorders" style="background-attachment: initial; background-clip: initial; background-image: none; background-origin: initial; background-position: initial; background-repeat: initial; background-size: initial; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Somatoform disorders">Somatoform disorders</a> may be caused by a decreased ability to regulate and experience emotions or an inability to express emotions in a positive way.<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-11" style="font-size: 11.2px; line-height: 1; unicode-bidi: isolate; white-space: nowrap;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_dysregulation#cite_note-11" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;">[11]</a></sup> Individuals who have difficulty regulating emotions are at risk for eating disorders and <strike>substance abuse </strike>as they use food or <strike>substances </strike>as a way to regulate their emotions.<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-12" style="font-size: 11.2px; line-height: 1; unicode-bidi: isolate; white-space: nowrap;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_dysregulation#cite_note-12" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;">[12]</a></sup><sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-13" style="font-size: 11.2px; line-height: 1; unicode-bidi: isolate; white-space: nowrap;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_dysregulation#cite_note-13" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;">[13]</a></sup></i></div>
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<i>Emotional dysregulation in children can be associated with internalizing behaviors including<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-Macklem.2C_G.L._2008_10-1" style="font-size: 11.2px; line-height: 1; unicode-bidi: isolate; white-space: nowrap;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_dysregulation#cite_note-Macklem.2C_G.L._2008-10" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;">[10]</a></sup></i></div>
<ul style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; list-style-image: url("data:image/svg+xml,%3C%3Fxml%20version%3D%221.0%22%20encoding%3D%22UTF-8%22%3F%3E%0A%3Csvg%20xmlns%3D%22http%3A%2F%2Fwww.w3.org%2F2000%2Fsvg%22%20version%3D%221.1%22%20width%3D%225%22%20height%3D%2213%22%3E%0A%3Ccircle%20cx%3D%222.5%22%20cy%3D%229.5%22%20r%3D%222.5%22%20fill%3D%22%2300528c%22%2F%3E%0A%3C%2Fsvg%3E%0A"); margin: 0.3em 0px 0px 1.6em; padding: 0px;">
<li style="margin-bottom: 0.1em;"><i>exhibiting emotions too intense for a situation</i></li>
<li style="margin-bottom: 0.1em;"><i>difficulty calming down when upset</i></li>
<li style="margin-bottom: 0.1em;"><i>difficulty decreasing negative emotions</i></li>
<li style="margin-bottom: 0.1em;"><i>being less able to calm themselves</i></li>
<li style="margin-bottom: 0.1em;"><i>difficulty understanding emotional experiences</i></li>
<li style="margin-bottom: 0.1em;"><i>becoming avoidant or aggressive when dealing with negative emotions</i></li>
<li style="margin-bottom: 0.1em;"><i>experiencing more negative emotions</i></li>
</ul>
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<i><span class="mw-headline" id="Externalizing_behaviors">Externalizing behaviors</span><span class="mw-editsection" style="display: inline-block; font-size: x-small; font-weight: normal; line-height: 1em; margin-left: 1em; unicode-bidi: isolate; user-select: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: nowrap;"><span class="mw-editsection-bracket" style="color: #555555; margin-right: 0.25em;">[</span><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/w/index.php?title=Emotional_dysregulation&action=edit&section=6" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Edit section: Externalizing behaviors">edit</a><span class="mw-editsection-bracket" style="color: #555555; margin-left: 0.25em;">]</span></span></i></h3>
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<i>Emotional dysregulation in children can be associated with <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Externalizing_disorders" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;" title="Externalizing disorders">externalizing</a> behaviors including<sup class="reference" id="cite_ref-Macklem.2C_G.L._2008_10-2" style="font-size: 11.2px; line-height: 1; unicode-bidi: isolate; white-space: nowrap;"><a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emotional_dysregulation#cite_note-Macklem.2C_G.L._2008-10" style="background: none; color: #0b0080; text-decoration: none;">[10]</a></sup></i></div>
<ul style="background-color: white; color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 14px; list-style-image: url("data:image/svg+xml,%3C%3Fxml%20version%3D%221.0%22%20encoding%3D%22UTF-8%22%3F%3E%0A%3Csvg%20xmlns%3D%22http%3A%2F%2Fwww.w3.org%2F2000%2Fsvg%22%20version%3D%221.1%22%20width%3D%225%22%20height%3D%2213%22%3E%0A%3Ccircle%20cx%3D%222.5%22%20cy%3D%229.5%22%20r%3D%222.5%22%20fill%3D%22%2300528c%22%2F%3E%0A%3C%2Fsvg%3E%0A"); margin: 0.3em 0px 0px 1.6em; padding: 0px;">
<li style="margin-bottom: 0.1em;"><i>exhibiting more extreme emotions</i></li>
<li style="margin-bottom: 0.1em;"><i>difficulty identifying emotional cues</i></li>
<li style="margin-bottom: 0.1em;"><i>difficulty recognizing their own emotions</i></li>
<li style="margin-bottom: 0.1em;"><i>focusing on the negative</i></li>
<li style="margin-bottom: 0.1em;"><i>difficulty controlling their attention</i></li>
<li style="margin-bottom: 0.1em;"><i>being impulsive</i></li>
<li style="margin-bottom: 0.1em;"><i>difficulty decreasing their negative emotions</i></li>
<li style="margin-bottom: 0.1em;"><i>difficulty calming down when upset</i></li>
</ul>
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<span style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">As you can see from the above behaviours we are in quite a state of chaos. It would be easier on all of us to say enough is enough. But Miss 9 really can't face anymore rejection. She needs someone with the skills and patience to see her through. To take her back to the experiences she should have experienced in infancy and early childhood in order to learn how to behave and self regulate. </span></span></div>
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<span style="color: #252525; font-family: sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px;">We are not committing to permanency. And I will not allow this to be forced upon us. But we are committed to ensuring that this child gets the help she needs in order to make sure her next home is her final home! </span></span></div>
Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-36920009081951917222016-10-06T23:07:00.002+13:002016-10-06T23:07:39.482+13:00Physical pain or emotional pain?School holidays are the best. I'm home from work. Chores get done. Well... some of them. And the kids get quality time.<br />
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Miss 14 is away on holiday and having a blast. Think she secretly misses me though... judging by the number of messages I get that have absoloutely no purpose!<br />
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Miss 6 months has learnt to sit unassisted this week. It only lasts a couple of minutes but she loves it.<br />
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Miss 16 is slowly relaxing after the trauma of the last 6 months (let's be honest...16 years). We have received a very generous sum of money this week (well the promise it's coming) from a good friends university friend. This will cover legal and other associated costs of applying for residency (legal aid doesn't cover this). I have also applied for a grant of $2000 to cover one years worth of psychologist appointments.<br />
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Miss 9 is doing good. Mostly. She seems to experience a lot of physical pain which I think is actually emotional. There are a lot of sore fingers, shoulders, headaches etc. and they go away very quickly. This suggests to me there is more trauma than she is ready to acknowledge. I think this is huge... but haven't done any research into it yet. Have got permission today to enrol her with my doctor so will eliminate the physical before writing it off. Will also discuss with her psychologist. She asks about her last foster family a lot, but over the last couple of days this has only been about the children. A couple of days ago she said she felt it was all her fault she had to leave (because she wanted to) -and struggled to comprehend that 9 year olds don't make that sort of decision, adults do. It makes me furious that adults can let a kid feel they got to make such an important decision on their own (kids should be kids, but also what it teaches them about getting what they want). But at the same time the balance Ian hard because I don't want her to just stack it up in her list of life's rejections (be they really that or not).<br />
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Today she enrolled in school and is extremely excited. She will start on Monday. We the. Took her to get a nice haircut as her hair was an absoloute mess! She is pretty resistant to haircuts... but all it took was ' I'm taking you to a fancy salon' and some very understanding hairdressers her pampered her like a princess for half an hour before cutting. She is over the moon with her tidy hair and wishes she didn't have to wait three months to go back. She also thinks she might be a hairdresser when she grows up!<br />
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All in all a good week... but what happened to those sleep ins I needed!Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-83487333707718344182016-09-29T22:45:00.001+13:002016-09-29T22:45:59.838+13:00When does the hurt become irreparable?Almost two years ago two children were placed with what were to be permanent caregivers. Against my strong advice to social workers that these two children would not manage together. <div><br></div><div>Instead of supporting the caregivers ... The social work team left them to flounder under extreme behaviours. When it was offered to continue caring for one child... This option was taken from them completely. I did all I could to help... But ultimately I couldn't do more. It hurt. </div><div><br></div><div>For a temporary placement the kids were seperated. Things went wonderfully. Then the social workers decided to put them back together. There were a number of reasons I didn't feel the placement would be successful. But again... I was forced to sit upon these thoughts. And when I tried to raise them (to ensure family number two was supported) I was told that the social workers are the ones with the experience and qualifications... 'You are just a caregiver'. So I stepped back. </div><div><br></div><div>I regularly offered support for these children and was declined. For the boy, the permanent placement ended earlier this year. His family gave up. He was too hard. Just this week it ended for miss as well. </div><div><br></div><div>Although I am delighted to have this wonderful young lady back with me... (And that the social workers were brave enough to let me have her back despite them probably expecting me to say 'told you so') I am heartbroken for her. Another permanent home broken. I fear the damage is irreparable. I remember when she was moving to her last home I said to the social worker 'this has to be her last... She can't take any more'. I was assured it was her last. I just hope I was wrong. I hope she can take more! I hope this hasn't broken her beyond repair. </div><div><br></div><div>There is a young girl hurting so bad that she shows no emotion about what has happened at all. She sees what has happened as just another experience to put on the list. </div><div><br></div><div>I have no idea what the future holds. I can't commit to anything for her due to several other complications. However what I need to focus on now is making sure this kid is not hurt beyond repair. That she finds her way home. Wherever home is. </div>Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-68368197746945277492016-09-29T22:28:00.001+13:002016-09-29T22:28:54.843+13:00It made a difference to that oneWhen I embarked on the journey that is foster parenting I expected it to be hard. I expected that kids would come to me with some level of trauma. That I would be tasked with provide love, guidance and stability. I also knew that it would be riddled with heartbreak... But I chose the journey... And I choose to continue it. <div><br></div><div>Throughout the Journey I have learnt a lot. I have a pretty clear idea about how the legal system works in relation to children's rights and care of children. I have learnt how social workers work, how cases are pieced together. I have learnt the ways that behaviour reflects internal thinking. I have learnt that physical age is not necessarily emotional, social, sexual or academic age. I have learnt how to cater the needs of a child that has a different age for each facet of their being. </div><div><br></div><div>What I did not count on, was my international student. A guest of my foster child, becoming what I now think of as the very reason I have learnt all I have. I took on an international student... The easy one, the one that comes from a supportive family, is educationally focussed with huge carer aspirations. One that wasn't filled with trauma in such a way that it could bubble over at anytime. </div><div><br></div><div>But by what can only be divine intervention... She applied to the school to become an international student at the same time I applied to become a host parent. For five months... My 'idea' of an international student remained what I had always pictured it to be. Idealistic, the perfect child! Then the earth shattered around me. </div><div><br></div><div>The young girl I had accepted as part of my family became a mum. Over the coming six months I had to use every skill I had learnt in order to keep her safe. I had to jump through legal hoops, I had to spend hours researching, I had to reevaluate the everything I knew about the world. </div><div><br></div><div>I sat through and translated numerous psychologist, doctor, lawyer, government, and social work meetings. I had to, more than once, put myself in dangers way. I had to be very careful which parts of the story I shared with whom. Some of the people closest to me I couldn't even share details with. </div><div><br></div><div>Some of the details I couldn't share as legal cases sat right on top of them include things like an international embassy threatening miss 16, miss 0 and myself. Like a school right here in my own country treating a child in a way I wouldn't even treat a rodent. I watched basic human rights be broken right before my very eyes. </div><div><br></div><div>Yes... I agree... I think she was lucky to be placed with me... I think that I was the best person for the job of protecting her. But the bit I'd like to clear up is this... No one else would have given up months ago (like lots of people suggest... Making me out to be some sort of life saving hero)... No one else quite had the insight I had into the extreme danger that was probable. No one else had seen with their own eyes the physical threats, or heard with their own ears the emotional threats. I can assure you of this... ANYONE who had seen what I saw...would have done the same thing. </div><div><br></div><div>I'm not saying I'm not proud... Because I am. I took on a mammoth responsibility that at times was all consuming. What I am saying is that for quite a few years I was learning the skills I needed so that I had them, I was placed in this life to protect it, and the job was done. </div><div><br></div><div>That's the most important bit. The job was done. The girls have refugee status, they can remain here forever. There is a 20 page document from refugee services outlining the dangers miss would be in, and a ten page psychologist report outlining the danger she has already been in. </div><div><br></div><div>My girl is no longer my international student, she is my child. And every day I get to hold her beautiful daughter in my arms and see her eyes light up when I enter the room. Cos that's what love is, right?</div><div><br></div><div>But no... Kind and concerned people in my life. This isn't the end of the journey for me. I know I can do it now. My fostering count is sitting around the 20. There have been others while this saga has unfolded I just haven't had the energy to blog. I will keep doing it...and instead of asking me why... Remember this .... It made a difference to that one. </div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div><br></div><div> <span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><strong style="font-style: inherit; border: 0px; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;">Once upon a time, there was an old man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing.</strong>He had a habit of walking on the beach every morning before he began his work. Early one morning, he was walking along the shore after a big storm had passed and found the vast beach littered with starfish as far as the eye could see, stretching in both directions. </span></div><p style="border: 0px; margin: 0px 0px 1em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">Off in the distance, the old man noticed a small boy approaching. As the boy walked, he paused every so often and as he grew closer, the man could see that he was occasionally bending down to pick up an object and throw it into the sea. The boy came closer still and the man called out, “Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?”</span></p><p style="border: 0px; margin: 0px 0px 1em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The young boy paused, looked up, and replied “Throwing starfish into the ocean. The tide has washed them up onto the beach and they can’t return to the sea by themselves,” the youth replied. “When the sun gets high, they will die, unless I throw them back into the water.”</span></p><p style="border: 0px; margin: 0px 0px 1em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The old man replied, “But there must be tens of thousands of starfish on this beach. I’m afraid you won’t really be able to make much of a difference.”</span></p><p align="center" style="border: 0px; margin: 0px 0px 1em; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><a href="https://eventsforchange.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/starfish11.jpg" style="border: 0px; font-style: inherit; margin: 0px; outline: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; text-decoration: none; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);"><font color="#000000"><img class="alignright size-thumbnail wp-image-443" title="starfish1" src="https://eventsforchange.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/starfish11.jpg?w=300&h=210" alt="" width="150" height="104" originalw="150" originalh="104" src-orig="https://eventsforchange.files.wordpress.com/2011/06/starfish11.jpg?w=150&h=104" scale="2" style="text-align: start; border: 0px; margin: 0.4em auto 1.625em; clear: both; display: block; height: auto; max-width: 100% !important;"></font></a></p><div style="text-align: start;"><span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0);">The boy bent down, picked up yet another starfish and threw it as far as he could into the ocean. Then he turned, smiled and said, “It made a difference to that one!”</span></div><p></p><div><br></div><div><br></div>Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-16239778057006472922016-08-01T09:20:00.000+12:002016-08-01T09:20:04.537+12:00How to help.I won't keep this page up here forever...because it does link to my name. But for those of you who currently follow... we really need your help. When you've asked how to help and I have said - I can't think of anything - it's because I don't want to ask you for $2557! But I am hoping this way everyone who wants to help can do a little bit and help us get this bill paid off. Thank you XX<br />
<br />
<br />
https://givealittle.co.nz/cause/keepingourgirlssafe# Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-61982359495295856852016-07-25T18:04:00.002+12:002016-07-25T18:04:18.464+12:00So what are we waiting for?<br />
WARNING: Contains graphic content<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
Life is a bit on hold. While we get used to the idea of having a baby in the house, there is a whole other situation unfolding. <br />
<br />
The school Miss 15 attended breaking several laws is only the beginning. The other is the severe risk to her should she return to her home country.<br />
<br />
The cold hard reality is that she will be killed or tortured and put into prision (for having a baby). Her baby will be killed (due to the genocide of melanesians). <br />
<br />Due to this we are aiming to gain refugee status for the girls. This is hard, because she is under age and it would cause irreparable damage to her family if they were to come and support the application. So things are slow. Lawyers need to seek advice from lawyers. Immigration need to seek advice from the united nations. <br /><br />The process, by normal timeframes, should have been completed 6 weeks ago. And although the lawyer says our case is very, very strong. It is still a waiting game. Because you just don't know what is around the corner. <br />
<br />
A lot of people have asked "What the?" because they don't really understand what is going on there. <br />
<br />
Information is hard to find because of a media ban (As usually happens in countries with war going on!) but there is some information that comes out various places via a facebook page that their government has no control over.<br />
<br />
https://www.facebook.com/freewestpapua/<br />
<br />
Here you will read of torture, rape, genocide and corrupt police and military. You will see very easily why we are scared for Miss 15 to return home with Miss nearly 4 months!<br />
<br />
On a happier note Miss 15 is now Miss 16 :)<br />
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: San Francisco, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, .SFNSText-Regular, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; letter-spacing: -0.24px; line-height: 19.32px;"><br /></span></span>
<span style="color: #1d2129; font-family: San Francisco, -apple-system, BlinkMacSystemFont, .SFNSText-Regular, sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: 14px; letter-spacing: -0.24px; line-height: 19.32px;"><br /></span></span>
<br />Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-38151946051516130112016-06-28T08:19:00.000+12:002016-06-28T08:19:00.498+12:00Our Surprise. Or...shock... or What the actual hell just happened?<div class="MsoNormal">
We didn’t believe what was happening.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After a day of chocolate on Sunday, when Miss 15 complained
of a sore tummy around 10am on Easter Monday.
I told her she had eaten too much junk.
When she told me she had been in pain since 3, I started to suspect a
bug. When she asked me to take her to
the doctor, I hesitated. At near $300
for a non citizen, public holiday, visit – I was going to hold it off as long
as possible. I called a friend, a bit
more in the know than myself. Panadol?
Has she had any Panadol. No. So she took some Panadol, and I told her if
she wasn’t right in a few hours we’d find a doctor. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Miss 15 persisted. I need to see a doctor, I am in a lot of
pain. Okay. I figured if it was bad
enough she wanted to pay nearly $300. It
was bad enough to see a doctor. We went
to our local after hours, and were told after seeing the triage nurse that
there was a three hour wait – but in the meantime could she do a urine test. On
returning from doing the test she told me that there was blood in her urine.
What does that mean? Only moments after returning the test, the nurses asked
for her to come through immediately. My
previous thoughts of appendicitis changed to a bladder infection. The weight was off my shoulders. A bladder infection is much more manageable.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
After a good half an hour the doctor called me through. Permission had been given from Miss 15 to
discuss the details with me, due to her lack of understanding. “Is there any chance she could be pregnant?”
Asked the doctor. I replied “No. She isn’t that sort of girl. If she says there is no chance, there is no
chance”. “In that case” he said “We need
to make an immediate referral to oncology.
Are you able to drive her to the Emergency Department.” “Umm. Yup” I
say, but thinking ‘what the hell, cancer, you must be joking, she is 15’. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We arrived at the ED half an hour later, stopping for
McDonalds on the way. If you’re about to
get admitted into hospital for cancer treatment – you might as well get a treat
before you arrive! Thankfully, we
stopped for some food. As it was another
3 or 4 hours until we were seen by the doctor again there was plenty of time to
google. I had read the referral forms
which stated “positive pregnancy test, no pregnancy, abdominal swelling, refer
oncology”.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
The more I read online, the more I started to wonder. The only other way I could find to have a
positive pregnancy test was cancer. The
form of cancer that could cause a positive pregnancy test was incredibly
rare. She either has a rare cancer or a
baby. I sat there juggling in my mind
which one would be easier to manage.
Miss 15’s current status meant that having a baby would be incredibly
dangerous for both her and a baby. I don’t mean the birth either. Cancer can be cured. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As the hours ticked on, and the pains became more intense
and more frequent there was a little bit of wonder creeping into my mind about
that the chances of pregnancy. So that conversation was had again – in more
detail. No. There has definitely been nothing happen that
could cause that. We were later to find
out, “nothing that I remember” to cause that. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We were finally called in by an ED doctor, who said they
were going to do a quick ultrasound before making any further decisions about
the rest of the night. A few moments
into the ultrasound, the doctor looked at me and said “I’ll be back in a
moment” she returned with another doctor.
A specialist. They did the
ultrasound together, the second doctor left and the first said “There is a baby
in there, we don’t know what stage of the pregnancy this is, you could be
experiencing Braxton hicks. But we need
to send you to the delivery suite regardless, you need a full examination.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br />
I was in shock. Miss 15 was in shock. My
mind was racing, what do we need, where do we get it from, how do we keep them
safe. I’m sure her mind was racing too,
probably in a different way to mine. I
text a friend and asked her to meet us in the delivery suite. I made some quick calls to make sure the other
children were sorted for the night (they were already at friend’s houses so was
not too hard). I quickly sought support
from my support people. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We had a lovely midwife, Katie, who was incredibly
reassuring when she told us “There will be a baby here, and tonight”. She talked us through what would happen –
seeing as none of us (my friend was there by that stage) have ever had a
baby. She then began to ask questions
about the conception. Concerns then
flung into overdrive. Something had
happened. We now had massive concerns
for the care and protection of both Miss 15 and her baby. <o:p></o:p></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
Baby was monitored intently, and as Miss 15 became more and
more anxious we became thankful that the birth was going to be over with fairly
soon. At 10.50pm we welcomed a baby girl
into our little world. She weighed just
over 6 pounds. The NICU team on standby
were stood down and we were told she was healthy. No sigh of relief was heard, this was only
the start of an uphill battle. But for
one day, we had been through enough. The
day was over, we had another girl to love.
No sleep was had (by me anyway…the new mum slept extremely well) as I
arranged bassinets, carseats, clothes.
So much to plan when a baby suddenly arrives. <o:p></o:p></div>
Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-85690112580570227562016-06-28T08:08:00.001+12:002016-06-28T08:37:59.599+12:00It has been all guns firing.It has been an incredibly long time since I updated here! A few months, but there is good reason!<br />
<br />
That's because I have been so incredibly busy with everything, that I haven't had time! This morning, I make time. I had to get up early and make sure things were spick and span for a landlord visit - which means that I am just a little too tired to get started on work!<br />
<br />
Mr 13 and Miss 9 are still here. Only for another two weeks though...well, a little less now. They will be moving on the 8th of July to their new home. It could well be their forever home, however - their mum still has some opportunity to make things right. Experience tells me this won't happen - but we still have to give them a chance - because the kids deserve that. Nevertheless, the home they are going to they <i>want</i> to go to. Such a rare move for kids in care. They have pretty much picked their next placement - and the caregivers to be have applied, trained and been accepted as caregivers. <br />
So a quick update on those two - since they won't be with me much longer. <br />
Miss 9 is struggling with some basics - hoarding, lying and aggravating others. However, these behaviors are not extreme nor are they affecting her day to day life, or that of others. They are just typical "I've been through crap" behaviors, that seek attention and love from others. She continues to do well at school, and has a good little group of friends. She seems to have trouble sustaining friendships, but having moved schools so often - it's probably the longest she has had to sustain a friendship.<br />
<br />
Mr 13 loves school. Unfortunately, a little too much. He has become a bit of a class clown, and the teachers all note that he is a little too social, and a little too unfocused. I believe he will get this under control - he has big goals for his life, and I do doubt he'll be the typical 13 year old boy for long. He continues to deceive with technology - and I am constantly discovering new ways he has been accessing the internet. On the other hand, his behavior at home has improved tenfold. He does little to annoy his sister, helps out often and uses his manners all of the time. He is like a different kid! Now just to get those boundaries sorted at school as well!<br />
<br />
Moving on to Miss 14 - Permanent lass. She has been doing extremely well at school, but pushing the boundaries at home. Pretty much exactly the types of behaviors we were told she would display once things were permanent. Arguing, manipulating, trying to use her past to get her own way. She is learning to think before she speaks, but hasn't really mastered the skill yet. She has had a few set backs lately - the consistency in her life has been disrupted. As you'll see when I discuss Miss 15! She has never coped well with change, so it's no surprise that she isn't coping well now. Not to mention that she is not the centre of attention - which is her number one goal in life! On a whole she is blimming hard work. But just gotta hang in there and hope she pops out the other side soon!<br />
<br />
Miss 15 - well that's where the story really begins. Over Easter weekend, she got a very sore tummy. Too much chocolate perhaps? So after her saying that it was really bad and she needed to see a doctor - I took her to after hours. While we were there other symptoms appeared. We were re-directed to the emergency room. After a number of tests....we discovered she was in labour. Yup. A baby. This was no "too much chocolate" or bladder infection. This was a real, live, human baby - only a couple of hours from entering our lives! I will make a separate post at some stage about how the events of that day unfolded. However, what is crucial here is the lack of support she received from those legally responsible for her. Within hours I was told I wasn't to be around anymore, that they would "deal with the situation from here". A part of the dealing with the situation was to return her to her family. Her family are not a danger - but those in her immediate environment are. There are NO doubts at all that the conception was not consensual. And there are no doubts at all that the baby will be killed should she be returned to her home land. Thankfully, we were able to get lawyers involved before the situation became dire, and they were able to keep the girls in my care. From here we have made an application to have her accepted as a refugee - in order to keep her safe. We are yet to hear if that is successful, but we will keep at it - no matter what we have to do. <br />
<br />
Miss 15 had a slow start to becoming a mother, but is slowly getting the hang of things. She has formed a good bond with the baby - and the two of them are doing extremely well considering. Don't get me wrong - there is still a lot of work to do. But things have started well. Miss 13 weeks has met all of her milestones (or surpassed them) and babbles away quite deliciously.<br />
<br />
Once Miss 9 and Mr 13 have moved on in two weeks, I'll either get more time to blog - or I won't have much to blog about. From there I will be putting a hold on our availability for foster care. To enable Miss 14 to settle into her changes, and to help Miss 15 become the mum she needs to be. To focus on the refugee application, and to ensure Miss baby gets all the nuturing and love she needs at this crucial stage of her development. At this stage the hold is for one school term, then things will be reevaluated. We'll see where other things are at!<br />
<br />
<br />Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-80924965016977916362016-03-12T20:45:00.000+13:002016-03-12T20:45:07.505+13:00When the system failsDo you remember this post?<br />
http://fosteringkidsinnz.blogspot.co.nz/2015/06/the-best-interests-of-child.html<br />
<br />
I made it in June last year. I expressed my thoughts extensively to the social work agency. I expressed so strongly that I knew it wasn't going to work. I feared for the combination of the two children. Yet here I am. Not even 12 months later. Angry. So angry.<br />
<br />
I brought home with me last night Mr 7, just for the night. He was Mr 6 last time I wrote about him. We haven't been allowed to see him since he moved to the caregivers him and Miss 8 were placed with in June last year. Their religious differences left us shut out, the children homeschooled, and connections with their past lost. I want to say I told you so. I want to scream and yell and put the agency to shame. <br />
<br />
I told them time and time and time again that the placement wouldn't work. That it would only be a matter of time until they were seeking out emergency care once again. Only a matter of time until they realised for themselves that any of these siblings placed in the same house hold was a disaster waiting to happen. They told me it wouldn't - they had fully interviewed the new parents and there were 100% confident it would work out.<br />
<br />
It happened. Of course it happened. Part of me feels a sense of wisdom, a little bit of narcissistic "I was right, you were wrong. I hate you" but the overwhelming feeling is one of absolute pain for this poor soul. <br />
<br />
When he was dropped off to me on Friday night he ran to me and hugged. And held on. And held on. There was a scared and sad little boy who said to me "they quit on me too" followed by "no one wants me, do they? I am a bad person, aren't I?" It took all of my power to look into those big brown eyes and say "there is a way bigger story behind this that is too hard to explain, but lots of people want you and love you, they just aren't the best people for you" It takes all the willpower in the world not to make a promise I can't keep. I can't promise that the next home will be his forever home. I can't promise that he will be allowed to come and visit me often. I can't even wrap him in my arms and say "I want you, come live with me" because, and I maintain, it is not in the best interests of the children.<br />
<br />
But why am I the only person looking out for the best interests of these children? Why aren't the social workers getting this bit right. How hard is it to see there is a broken little boy who in less than two years has been in at least 8 homes??? Can't they see what they're setting this boy up for.<br />
<br />
http://www.radionz.co.nz/news/national/282623/'staggering-link'-between-cyf-care-and-crime<br />
<br />
I just want him to find a forever home. A home where he can be loved and loved and loved. Where there are no other little children around that make his issues near impossible to cope with. Where I will still get to see him. Where I can take his big sister to see him. Where he will be with a family that is basically an extension of ours. Why is that too big to ask?Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-29419001380165749072016-02-13T22:02:00.001+13:002016-02-13T22:02:03.829+13:00FriendshipsThings are plodding along well. Me 12 has matured a lot and become quite pleasant to have around. He has started being more helpful, and polite. <div><br></div><div>Miss 9 has developed a bit of an attitude in place of mr12, and does seem to be struggling with the changes life has thrown at her. Despite settling so quickly at the start, it is clear they have switched roles. Mr 12 seems genuinely happy, Miss 9 I think is in a vulnerable place, and it's hard to stay patient. Her hearing is not good... We are still waiting on her health check. So she speaks loudly, she misses instructions and she argues unnecessarily with the other children as she often interrupts them. When others don't respond straight away, she thinks they aren't listening so begins to nag. </div><div><br></div><div>I know it must be extremely hard on her, but I am finding it draining. I know she deserves more patience than I am giving her...it's not her fault. But I am struggling with always having to answer 'huh?'</div><div><br></div><div>Now Miss 14 is doing well. Her relationship with Mr 32 has become quite strong and as a result she is quite happy and playful. Quite childlike. However she has had to make a hard decision. One that has resulted in cutting off her best friend. Her friend pulled a Pra k on her that upset her quite a lot (faked a teen pregnancy). Miss 14 was willing to put everything on the line to support her friend and had asked me to come home early before finding out it was a joke. She didn't talk to her friend for a few days while she recovered from it. We talked about what had been said, but Miss 14 couldn't remember the exact words and I began to read their text messages (she knew I was doing this... She knows as part of having a phone anything she says is not private). Here I found messages that were not symptomatic of a good relationship... Not in either direction. The other miss had been involving herself in unsafe behaviours, and our Miss 14 had been saying things that were boar seeing on emotional blackmail. I called her out on these things, and she agreed. Things had gone too far. </div><div><br></div><div>I have her advice on how to put things right, but she decided it was best to let go of the friendship. I am proud of her for that decision. She told her friend and blocked her number. For about two weeks we heard nothing. Then she called in the landline. Miss 14 told her friend that she was making choices in her life that were leading her down the wrong paths, that she can't support that. She ended the conversation. </div><div><br></div><div>I am proud of her, and she is proud of herself. She grieves the friendship, and worries for her friends wellbeing. But this young lady has made a decision that is about her own wellbeing, and this is big... She has cut ties to one of the last remaining link to her past life, she is making friends with people she wants in her future, not the people she feels she needs to cling to because of her past. </div>Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-40602688992455305302016-01-06T12:41:00.003+13:002016-01-06T12:41:43.374+13:00When the grass is, actually, greenerLast night the movie Hotel Rawanda came on. About 10 minutes in, Miss 15 said "This is like my country". I paused the movie and turned to her.<br />
<br />
How do you mean?<br />
<br />
Soldiers run down the street with guns. The set fire to your house. They leave bodies lying across gardens. <br />
<br />
Were you scared?<br />
<br />
All the time. Even when things were peaceful, you always know they will be back.<br />
<br />
Have they ever tried to harm you?<br />
They have tried. They didn't hurt me. But some of my family have been killed. <br />
<br />
How close to you did they get?<br />
They were in my house. Just before I came here. I was looking after my little sister while my parents were at work. They broke the doors down and came in. I hid under the bed with a big knife (Machete). <br />
<br />
Did they find you?<br />
No...they got distracted, they heard a car pull in to the driveway. It was my mum. So they set fire to my house and left. <br />
<br />
Did the house burn down?<br />
No, not this time. My mum put the fire out.<br />
<br />
To cut a long conversation short, we talked about genocide. We talked about the reasons why Miss 15 had to move here. We talked about how every child between 15-18 has been sent to a safer country. They haven't come as refugees. They have pooled all of their resources to make sure the next generation survives. <br />
<br />
In school those of the minority culture (the ones being killed off) were crammed into one room, with no teacher after they turn 13. They can't be educated...they might learn how to defend themselves. <br />
<br />
Some countries are helping, their are peace keepers. But still, there is political unrest between the minority and majority. Between the native and the immigrants. <br />
<br />
Miss 15 has watched her friends be killed. She has watched her family been killed. She has had the feet of armed soldiers within cm's of her face. <br />
<br />
She has experienced what no child growing up here could ever imagine. <br />
<br />
I don't know if it is fortunate or unfortunate that Miss 14 and Mr 12 who were listening to parts of the conversation didn't quite grasp the extent of life lived in West Papua. But I do hope that they realise in amongst the moments where they struggle with life in Foster Care that they can see - actually - there is worse. I am alive. An entire culture is being killed off. Miss 14 suggested Miss 15s parents just come over here too. But Miss 15 explained that they have to stay and fight for their rights. They need to fight to allow them to live in their own country. <br />
<br />
<br />
nd one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you. Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-52216377593556177622015-12-25T19:24:00.000+13:002015-12-25T19:24:58.053+13:00Oh Christmas!Christmas Day is an unknown with foster kids. Unknown how many you will have, unknown how they will be without their other families, Unknown what their traditions are. So when it goes well... Woohoo and a good one it was too!<br />
<br />
After months of buying little gifts so there would be lots to open but little to spend, the day rolled in. Santa stopped by, and gave all of the children quite similar gifts. Pencils, rubbers, sleeping bag, beach towel etc.<br />
<br />
After a cooked breakfast we sat down and the look of joy with almost every gift. Everyone had a favourite gift of the day. Especially me! Well a couple of favs. Most notable was a gift from Miss 13s mum. Miss 13s mum joined us, and although it had the potential to be awkward it wasn't. She brought us a photo frame of pictures with Miss 13 as a baby/child. Something we never thought we would have!<br />
<br />
The other kids have talked to their mums on the phone and all has gone smooth and well. The kids are happy, that's what matters!<br />
<br />
<br />
And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you. Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-65454754055252251052015-12-13T09:24:00.000+13:002015-12-13T09:24:01.103+13:00Holidays!<br />
<span style="color: #454545; font-family: UICTFontTextStyleBody; font-size: 15px; text-decoration: -webkit-letterpress;">Please, if I repeat anything from previous posts please forgive me! I am writing this from the inside of a tent with no cellphone reception... So I am unable to flick through previous posts before writing! There is a smudge of signal about 20 metres to my left... But there are a number of ducks and mosquitos. Neither of which I take fondly to! </span><br />
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I could of course write this from the comfort of the aunties' home where there is wifi... But... Bed and the ability to just shut my eyes when writing becomes too hard is just too tempting. </div>
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Last night we brought miss 15 and miss 13 away on a camping holiday. Mr 12 and miss 8 are staying elsewhere for a week to give us a bit of well deserved time off. We took a 12.5 hour drive to get to our destination...the girls slept most of the way. One was car sick, the other just sleeps anytime the car gets to 100kph! </div>
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This holiday is a significant one for us. The first one since we gained parenting orders for Miss 13. We didn't have to ask permission to take her away, we were able to sign the guardian permission form for her to take place in a dangerous activity (the risk was low...and it meant a huge amount to her... She has been wanting to do something that requires guardian consent for a long long time! You would be surprised at how many doors it closes). Tonight she is off with Mr32 at her first ever concert, and I guarantee she is having a ball. That is how I have managed to get some alone time to update my blog! </div>
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Today we went to a petting zoo type place. We went for Miss 13 who is sheep obsessed but were surprised to discover that many of the animals miss 15 had never seen before so it was all extremely exciting. She saw her first donkey, deer and emu. We even saw baby emu's, they were only about 30cm tall and super adorable. She also got to shear a sheep (miss 13 was too worried about people looking at her to give it a go) and they both got to bottle feed a lamb. </div>
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Mr 12 and Miss 8 participated in their big meeting that will help decide their future. Unfortunately it became pretty clear to them that what they hope for is an unlikely expectation. There were lots of tears from Miss 8, and lots of bad attitude from Mr 12. Which did make going away on holiday without them a little hard... But I did reinforce they were going on a little holiday of their own, and they were quite looking forward to it by the time we said goodbye on Friday. </div>
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I have finished work for the year, and although it was a really challenging year I am excited about the step up I plan to take next year. </div>
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Christmas is fast approaching, this will be an incredibly interesting experience... I hope I have time to blog as it all unfolds as it certainly won't be 'typical'. </div>
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And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you. Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-81523873197054832482015-12-02T22:08:00.000+13:002015-12-02T22:08:00.895+13:00We made it!We did it! We made it! A week ago yesterday we finally became the legal guardians of Miss 13. It's been a bit of a roller coaster week though.<br />
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Miss 13 has had her swings and roundabouts. Highs where she is excited to have stability in her life, and lows--- were I am the worst person in the world because she can't see the aunts that caused so much damage to her and her siblings. (Still going to have regular contact with mum and siblings).<br />
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I have found the week hard too. This time of year is always hard for me! Just unfortunate that this time around it has coincided with what should be a happy time!<br />
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Miss 15 is beginning to open up about some of what she has witnessed in her short life (Google genocide in west Papua). Language still a little bit of an issue! Struggling to explain deodorant kindly!<br />
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Mr 12 has lots of ups and downs and there should be some certainty in his life before Christmas. Unfortunately it probably won't be the news he wants. He has come around to the idea of going to school with miss 13 and miss 15 next year... So can only imagine what their teachers are going to think of the multi racial family! I have read a few blogs on mixed racial parenting... And it appears people aren't as open as you would expect them to be!<br />
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Miss 8 cruising along nicely. Wouldn't know that she is a kid with a mucky background. Takes things in her stride, and even better... Loves making school lunches.<br />
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And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you. Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-25928768407428230822015-11-22T19:55:00.001+13:002015-11-22T19:55:06.794+13:00Things are calm. Things are peaceful (relatively) There isn't much to say when things are going well. It's a shame really, that the things that always seem worth saying are when my brain is crying out in desperation for an outlet!<br />
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But things are good. We have four children at the moment, and things are fairly harmonious. Though...if even one of them could sing harmoniously I'm sure my ears wouldn't ring quite so much.<br />
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Miss 15 is very quiet. Doesn't say a lot (Can't say a lot yet!) but is the most helpful of them all. She will often do everyone else's jobs before any of us even notice she is missing! Really working hard at the moment of getting her out of her bedroom and into being an active member of the family.<br />
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Miss 13 is a stereotypical teenager. There isn't really much more to say than that. Delightful, argumentative, kind, mean, friendly, bitchy. And that's just within five minutes. She has been excited about our day in court, but did say today "Well, it's not exactly going to change anything is it". I still have to laugh about her comment to her Bio mum a couple of days ago - they were expressing their differences on something and Miss 13 says "Far out, some days I feel like I am adopted". Her mum and I saw the funny side of it - she had NO idea, why we were laughing. The nice part about this is that she is obviously just so comfortable with who she is and where she fits that "adopted" isn't the insult it is that most kids would use against their parents!<br />
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Mr 12 is settling down. Not being quite as protective of his things or his sister as he once was. He met with his lawyer last week, and he seems to be fairly comfortable with where things are at. He still is very determined that home is where he will return within 6 months. I'm not so confident. The lawyer asked us if we were in a position to take him and his sister permanently. The answer is no. Miss 13 and Miss 15 are quite enough for the long term!<br />
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Miss 8 is really sweet. You would not know that she has had so much trauma and confusion in her life. She loves reading, playing, drawing and going to school. She is always excited about whatever is next in the day - and always the first to ask everyone else how their day has been. Quite beautiful manners. Though, concerning that she can lie very quickly. She will own up again as soon as she knows she has been caught out - a bit of a defence thing, a fear of being in trouble.<br />
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Well that's us for now... It's hard to keep thinking of things to write when things are going okay. Hopefully I don't have any drama to come back with any time soon - I guess the next time you'll be hearing from me will be after our date in court :)Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-72988372984143312022015-11-18T18:28:00.001+13:002015-11-18T18:28:55.886+13:00Sorry it's been so longSometimes things get so busy, that I just can't spare the five minutes in my day to blog. The last two weeks have been just like that! Unfortunately, the longer I leave it - the less I have to say. I think it is because it is hard to prioritise (and remember...a lot of my reason for starting a blog was so that I remembered things!)<br />
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So why have the last two weeks been so busy.<br />
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Part One: Our gangsta.<br />
The little gangsta boy we had, did indeed return to us after his first night. We got through a few more days, but then he started to display some fairly threatening behaviours. We wouldn't have a bar of that, he didn't respond to discipline - long story short he ran away and had to be picked up by the police. To start with I felt pretty gutted about the whole thing. But I know it's important to remind myself that you can't save them all! Just do what you can, where you can, the best you can. That won't be right for everyone.<br />
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Part Two: Miss 13's sister<br />
She has consumed a bit of my mind lately. She has returned from a substantial period of time "out of harms way", and the transition back into every day society has not gone well. I have had a fairly big emotional involvement in this youngsters life. She asked for me to be a part of her life, and how can you say no to that! She was supposed to be coming to stay this weekend...but, with hubby away, decided it was best to postpone til the following weekend so that I have some back up!<br />
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Part Three: My job.<br />
I was offered another job. One that would pay substantially more, and enable me to follow one of my passions quite closely. However, I had several talks with my own boss (I use the word in lieu of a better option...she certainly isn't bossy!) and we managed to find some ways to make my job work for me, that will enable me to see through some changes I am very passionate about. So yes...there are other passions but alongside that...I have an unfinished job where I am. That ultimately leads to the same long term outcomes. The difference is that I know I have someone that I find pretty inspiring to look up to, and to help lead me through the management part of my job - the people management! The bit I find really hard. So hopefully with her support I will not only see my plans through, but gain some confidence as a leader and manager of people myself. I will still have the skills (plus more of them) to get offered that other job again when the time is right!<br />
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Part Four: Court.<br />
One week and a bit to go!<br />
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Part Five: Siblings. Miss 8 and Mr 12 are well settled. Miss 8 more so. Mr 12 is having to think about new schools for next year, alongside having no idea what is future will hold in terms of where he will live. So that is hard! A child I work with has just given him 100s of magic cards...so he is in heaven at the moment. Combined with those from a colleague on Friday, and we have a kid with something to do now!<br />
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Part Six: Miss 15.<br />
I have been reading a bit about the country miss 15 comes from. It has sickened me to find out genocide is an actual happening thing right now - 2015. WHAT THE? Actually!<br />
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Part Seven: Health<br />
Somethings gone awol with my blood pressure. I had to go along and get it checked a couple of times...and, well...don't know what's causing it. Likely I need to exercise more...but I eat pretty good - and even though I am crazy busy at times I'm not that stressed (though I have been the last week...so could be why it shot up). Anyway - have to go and get some blood tests done.<br />
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Part Eight: Christmas<br />
I can't believe how quickly the last couple of weeks have gone. I have all but finished christmas shopping....but three out of four children have their birthdays within 6 weeks of christmas...so I have to keep my thinking hat on - and my keen shopping eye on online sales.<br />
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Part Nine: Because<br />
Because if I put a part nine, I can be one step closer to a ten part story.<br />
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Part Ten: Did it.<br />
Did you read to the end! See what I mean? Not much to say when you leave it so long as the details drop out!Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-66719064309098592762015-11-06T12:40:00.002+13:002015-11-06T12:49:43.061+13:00Internal musings of a me.I have been a little thin on the blog the last few weeks (unfortunately not thin on the hips!) and that would be because I have been too busy! I hate the word busy. But it's plain and simple truth!<br />
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In the house at the moment we have miss 8, mr 11, mr 12, miss 13 and miss 15. Things settled really well after the departure of Mr 7, and of course it wasn't long before the call came in for Mr 11.<br />
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Mr 11 is about the toughest kid we have had so far. He is a gangbanger, his uncle is president of said gang. But there is one thing plain and simple in my mind : he is an 11 year old boy who has been in foster care for five years... And he needs love. He has, unfortunately, found that feeling of acceptance in the wrong places. I don't know if he will be back tonight. He has an illegal plan in place for the day. I just hope like crazy that when I said 'if you don't, you can come home with me again tonight'. He liked it with us. He admitted it. I think despite his staunch nature he really does want to come home tonight. What he doesn't know is I peeked in on him at 9pm... He was sound asleep, he was just a (not so) little kid. No bandanas. No slouched shoulders. No clenched fists. Just peace.<br />
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Miss 15 is still experiencing some culture shock. Our environment is so much further developed than hers. We had an electricity problem the other night. I came home to no power... As soon as the garage door wouldn't open and I could see the neighbours lights on... My heart sunk as I knew there was something wrong. I called for help (when husband is out of town for 4 weeks... And doesn't answer his phone ... You get a good list of support people!) I was advised to turn everything off then try resetting the fuses. (Still no luck... Turned out, long story short, miss 13 had spilt water from her fish tank in the multi box and the rcd switch had blown in order to prevent us all being electrocuted!) Miss 15 was on doing laundry that day. When I asked her to do the laundry it didn't occur to me that I had only taught her how to turn the machine on when it was already switched on at the wall. Turns out when someone isn't used to electricity they don't know to turn it on!<br />
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Mr 12 and Miss 8 became briefly unsettled earlier in the week when they were told it would be at least 6 months before they would get to go back to mum. They have settled again now though and I have assured them that they are welcome here and that they aren't going to have to move again. <br />
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Miss 13 is getting pretty excited about our court date. It's only a couple of weeks ago. She has really come around to the fact that this is actually happening. Her mum has been surprisingly helpful in reducing some of her anxiety around it and has told her "you are just going to have two mums, and two homes now....most people only get one. These people can give to you what I can't manage". So full credit to her. <br />
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I have still been dealing with the internal dilemma of what to do next year. Part time work, full time work, teaching, not teaching, same school, different school. And although this isn't a school blog, it's a fostering blog - I am going to share a brief update because I did make the post about wondering whether or not to give up work to foster full time. The short response to any questions at the moment is "I don't know". And my general comment is - don't ask. I am extremely torn between a couple of options at the moment, and asking me isn't wise! I have spoken a lot with my extremely supportive and inspirational principal. And I have also spoken with a friend who is a principal - because I need to work out exactly what it is I want and need before making a final decision. I am humbled to have so many options available to me. But I am also sort of wishing I didn't have so many options!<br />
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And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you. Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-51190147414761714052015-11-01T15:54:00.002+13:002015-11-01T15:54:42.101+13:00Crisis averted. Miss 13s sister miss 11 was in town this weekend. Visiting (not for the first time) the new caregivers who will take her in long term next week. Things weren't going well and as a result we were called and asked to take her for the last night. We did. We know her well, and she was fine with us. She is pretty good on a whole and more than happy to have her for the girls to spend some time together.<br />
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But what makes me annoyed is the discovery that miss 11s caregivers are going to be PAID to have her. Paid to care and love and provide. I think this is unfair... I don't get paid! I mange worse behaviours than she has and they can call on me for support when they are getting paid to do it? I looked into the agency they care for, and a condition of caring is that you have no other dependant children. But really? Her needs are no more severe than others we have had over the last few weeks and it makes me feel a little pissed. Call on me for support sure... But give me your two days of pay! I won't say yes so easily next time.<br />
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nd one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you. Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-68743670908371412842015-10-29T08:06:00.001+13:002015-10-29T08:06:43.037+13:00In the best interestsSometimes it's hard to see why some things are done why they are. We had to make a decision that Mr 7 had to move on...it was in the best interests of the other 6 people in the house. It was not in his best interests. His social worker should have been standing up for his best interests.<br />
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A couple of weeks ago - right in the early stages of things going bad, I asked his social worker for support. I said...his behaviour is deteriorating rapidly...here is what I am doing...here is what works and to what extent...here what I have tried with no effect. I get told "You are doing everything right". The next day "Things are getting worse, I need some more strategies" I get told "We will find a new placement for him" This infuriated me...the social worker should be advocating for the best interests of the child. The social worker should have gone out of her way to make sure that we were surrounded in not only strategies, but practical support. <br />
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If I were the social worker I would have come around to the house. Put a safety plan in place, offered up some de-escalating strategies and then asked what practical support we could benefit from. That practical support may have been hard to find, it may have been expensive...it may have taken a week or so to find. But the end outcome would have been supported caregivers, who had the energy left to persevere, and the hope left that they could see the light at the end of the tunnel. <br />
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Instead... the best solution is to move the child. Now yes...right at the end things got so hard I said he had to go. But the reality is I had spent two weeks asking for support before I got to that stage. shouldn't the social workers number one priority have been "keep everyone safe, including Mr 7 so that there is not a third placement breakdown within 6 weeks"? <br />
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My fear is now that he has gone to the new caregivers unsupported and that in 10 days the process will start again. I just hope that this time they see it as in the best interests of the child to be there and practically support the caregivers so that they can get through until things settle. Because then the best interests of the child are being met. He will have a stable, long term home where he can learn to manage his own behaviour. <br />
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Please...remember to vote for my blog...today is my 100th post - and I ain't even on the rankings anymore. If you are on your mobile you need to go to full web mode, as the links don't come up in the mobile format!<br />
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And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you. Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-15583719465133018302015-10-26T21:45:00.001+13:002015-10-26T21:45:36.167+13:00Return of Mr 7Mr 7 shouldn't really be back... But it's not like I can let him sleep on the street. I have sent another email tonight to the social workers saying that in order to keep other children safe I am expecting them to act. Hubby goes away again tomorrow and I will have two nights to get through alone, though a friend is able to give Mr 7 some one on one time if needed Wednesday night... So really I have one night to get through alone... But that's all worst case scenario. <div><br></div><div>His return today went okay. I had a few more tricks up my sleeve after reading a book over the weekend about emotional time out. Giving the child no attention until compliance. On the theory that they will comply as they just can't live isolated very long. (Don't take any advice from that statement... There is so much more to it than that... I will write a post about the strategy later)<br><div><br></div><div>And one point he hit another child. Safety plan came into action.<span style="-webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: rgba(255, 255, 255, 0); font-family: 'Helvetica Neue Light', HelveticaNeue-Light, helvetica, arial, sans-serif;"> 'bedrooms now' and all the rest of the children disappeared. He said 'I'm not going to my room'. I said, you don't have to. I then 'got busy' a strategy from the book. I folded laundry, tidyed up his room. All the while the other children stayed very quiet and out of the way. It was less than five minutes til he took himself to his room and got out a game. I said. 'You play here quietly okay, let me know when you are ready to rejoin the family safely and be kind'. I walked away and let the other children out of their rooms. Success. He came out about 15 minutes later asking to be a safe part of the family. </span><div><br></div><div><br></div><div>I asked him to put a shirt on to come to the shops with me. He refused. I told all the other children to hop in the car, and we left. Without him. When I got home he still didn't have a shirt on. So I handed him one and said 'now' he said 'oh my god what the he'll' but he did it and it was over. </div><div><br></div><div>Later this evening I asked him to go and have a shower. He very very quickly started showing signs of aggression. I whispered to the other two children I. The room to completely ignore him until he did as he was told. He said 'I'm not going to my room'. They did, and about 30 minutes later he got in the shower when he got out he was given lots of positive attention. The other children played with him for about an hour with no incident. </div></div></div><div><br></div><div>I don't call it a miricle, I don't know that the strategies will work if he figures out our game plan. But... We got through today with no one being hurt. </div>Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-59722175053789158272015-10-25T21:50:00.001+13:002015-10-25T21:55:46.785+13:00Loving a long weekendOver the weekend we have had a very shy Miss 15, our forever Miss 13, and siblings Mr 12 & Miss 8. Mr 7 has been on a little holiday and will be back in the morning. They haven't found a new placement for him. But hopefully the break will get us through the next few days. <div><br></div><div>The weekend has been calm by comparison to the last few days. Yesterday we did the housework, went to the library and then went swimming. The first outdoor swim of the season. The kids played happily and got along well. After dinner we played a game and although it was quite a late night for all, they managed well today. </div><div><br></div><div>We had to do more housework this morning (there is less to do per person... But with this many in house it has to be done Marie often!) followed by a short shopping expedition where no children wanted to spend their pocket money... But I got sucked into some clearance items (rubbish buns and washing baskets!). We had a cruisey afternoon in the sun. We played giant naughts and crosses and ladder golf (google it... It's a good one). Followed by a bit of chill time (some reading, some drawing and one doing some maths practice). After dinner we played a board game ... A game that by the rules anyone could win... But with three players using English as a second language it wasn't quite so easy. We had to cheat (a lot) just to get the kids off the starting square! </div><div><br></div><div>Miss 15, Miss 13 and I all like horror movies - so we topped the night off with one a little more gruesome than I anticipated. </div><div><br></div><div>The return of Mr 7 tomorrow does fill me with some anxiety, but thankfully hubby is around for the next 24 hours! Hopefully after a day of school on Tuesday they will have found a new placement for him. Otherwise... Anyone wanna come stay for a few days? I don't mind sharing a room with Miss 13 so you can have my room? Someone who can give a 7 year old loads of attention so he doesn't have to demand it? Or take away the others when I need to calm him?</div>Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-78147652511200608642015-10-23T14:59:00.002+13:002015-10-23T14:59:48.128+13:00A really hard nightLast night was hard. I ran out of battle. Mr 7 began to kick, punch and bite.<br />
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Yeah I was hurt. It isn't the first time he has done this to me. About the third this week. I have tried being patiently consistent with him, but unfortunately last night he took it two steps further. He did the same as me to a child. Boundary broken. He then attacked my cat. We don't know yet if she is okay but every moment today I have been hoping that when I get home she has been to the toilet and her bladder is not injured. </div>
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If my cat has serious damage I will not ever forgive him. I know it sounds harsh, but it's true. I don't take hurting animals lightly. </div>
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What scares me is that he hurt the cat because he could not gain control of either me or Mr 12. This rings massive alarm bells for me. I have this memory of being told once that those who hurt animals as children grow up to be those that hurt people as adults. Now it could have been some totally un-researched opinion - but nevertheless - it reminds me just what this boy is capable of - especially when he does not have control. </div>
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Tonight we are getting a few days break. He is going to another carer til Monday morning. However, he will then have to return to us as there is simply no where else for him to go yet. I have given the social workers a deadline. Tuesday. On Tuesday husband leaves for work for a few days - and I will not be able to manage him on my own. I am afraid he will not only hurt me and my cat. But the children. These children are in care to keep them safe, not to be exposed to constant danger and fear. </div>
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Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-49172518280031094772015-10-20T21:39:00.001+13:002015-10-20T21:39:51.237+13:00Boys in blue and a trip to the doctor <br />
After Sunday's post we were left with no option but to call the police. Mr 7 pushed Miss 13 over, was sent to his room, and destroyed it. I needed to go in to remove things he could injure himself on and he pinned me to the wall with his bed and began punching me repetitively in the stomach.<br />
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The police were amazing (when they finally arrived) and gave him a big talking to. One then took some time to teach him some guitar chords before leaving. He has not inappropriately touched anyone since.<br />
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His behaviour was still less than desirable on Monday night, when he kicked me because he didn't want to do his homework. While these things were happening I was writing very detailed emails to Social Workers, so I didn't have the time to blog details.<br />
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The social workers have all agreed it is in the best interests f all of the children if he is moved to a placement with no other children. I'm not 100% in agreement... But as they don't actually have a placement for him I haven't given them my reasons, by time they find a placement I may be well and truely over it. However, my concern is this. Picking him up and moving him is not solving a problem. This is his third placement. His first one there were no other children, and thr physical violence was a problem at both previous placements. Wouldn't it make more sense to surround us with support in dealing with the issues? And help him learn what positive safe behaviours are that aren't going to drive anyone nuts eventually.<br />
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Unfortunately I don't think the social workers involved have any idea how what strategies to try and just keep telling us we are doing everything right. Maybe we are, but it doesn't actually help! I have asked for him to get a respite placement this weekend as we will be rather busy and won't be able to give him much one on one attention. <br />
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Anyhow, I have been asking for me 7 to see a doctor since the second day in our care. All along I have felt something was wrong and that he had an ENT infection of some sort. He finally got to see a doctor today and he has been so badly infected for so long that he has a perforated ear drum, and no memory of when it last didn't hurt. Having been a number of years since he has been to the doctor and they are talking a hospital visit in order to get it sorted that we are talking months not days. He also has such severe decay in his teeth that he will need a hospital visit for those too. His back teeth have literally all but disappeared... This poor child has been in PAIN for as long as he has ever known but not been able to identify pain.<br />
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Any idea where I am heading here? I gave him some pain relief after talking to the chemist. We haven't had any behavioural problems all night, he didn't complain of being hungry (didn't even finish dinner). Maybe our strategies are paying off. Or maybe, just maybe... He has expressed his pain through aggression. I'd be a write off with one infected tooth or ear. Let alone a perforated ear drum and a mouth full of holes and rot.<br />
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Mr 12 and Miss 8 had a visit with their mum yesterday. Se gave them their 'stuff'. Unfortunately when I opened it all up it wasn't there stuff, but more or her rubbish. Loads and loads and loads of it. She must have nothing left (believe that 1) she is a hoarder and 2) she is homeless) so is saying it belongs to the kids to get it looked after. Thankfully I opened it first as there is all sorts in there... From unopened nicotine patches, antipsychotic drugs and mental health wars admission papers. Needless to say it has all been moved to the garage while social workers decide what to do with it. Mr 12 shows similar tendencies toward hoarding. He will not throw a thing away. Not even food packets.<br />
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Miss 13 did remarkably well today. She even cooked dinner and asked mr 7 if he wanted to learn how to make meatballs. She is really struggling with math despite it being her favourite subject. She is incredibly impatient with herself and doesn't take the time to learn a process, just thinks she is dumb because she doesn't know the answer to 4/5ths if 2500 straight away. She has huge gaps, but I wish she could see how far she has come. I think for future kids I may hold on to samples of what they are capable of when they arrive to show them further down the track. Dumb people don't make that much progres... I need to show Miss 13 she isn't dumb.. I just wish I had kept the evidence.<br />
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And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you. Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-74023557070294309212015-10-19T11:20:00.001+13:002015-10-19T11:20:24.589+13:00It takes a village to raise a childA lot of people say " I don't know how you do it" "I couldn't do what you are doing". The reality is that we don't do it alone. You are doing it, you are helping.<br />
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The beds the kids sleep in were donated by friends.<br />The clothes the kids wear were donated by friends.<br />
The before and after-school drop offs are done by friends.<br />
The encouraging words when we need them are done by friends.<br />
The babysitting so we can continue to do training is done by friends.<br />The babysitting so we can have our Wednesday nights off, is done by friends.<br />
The people who run around and pick things up for us because we just can't quite get there...<br />
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Not everyone has space or skill to manage troubled children, but every one can make a difference. This blog post is to acknowledge all of you who DO do it. Who do make a difference!<br /><br />It really does take a village to raise a child, and don't sit there thinking I can't do it - You are doing it - simply by being there for all of those things we need. It's been quite a humbling experience - I was never one to ask for help or depend on others - but now I need it to survive. <br /><br />PS. We have this Wednesday covered, but still after the rest of the Wednesdays for this term. I don't think that there is anyone out there fully available...But if you are willing to book in for "A wednesday" from 6.45 - 9pm - please let me know. We have 6 more to get through! And having a night doing things we like is really important to us continuing to do this!<br />
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And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you. Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6411342135948988850.post-63481337087074070562015-10-18T15:22:00.001+13:002015-10-18T15:22:15.809+13:00Behaviours that are totally unacceptable<br />
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At a training session recently we were asked: What behaviours do you draw the line at. It was a hard question. Lying, drinking, smoking. This weekend I added one to that list. Sexualised behaviours. <br />
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It is one I will talk to the social workers about on Monday.<br />
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This weekend in our house we have had Miss 13 and her friend Miss13b, Mr 12, Miss 8 an Mr 7. Mr 7 is the one with the sexualised behaviours that we hadn't seen until this weekend. With that many kids there is CONSTANT play. If someone doesn't want to play, someone else does! It's great from my perspective as I don't need to entertain. But Mr 7 needs to be taught boundaries, and this is something that is not easy. He has on multiple occasions grabbed the breasts of both Miss 13 and Miss 13b, and once grabbed Mr 12 in the nether region. This behaviour has not been tolerated at all. It is instant, that is wrong. He has also had one on one conversations about okay places of the body to touch. We have instated a hands only rule in the house for the time being. This is because we can't have eyes every where at once and we need to keep all children safe. It's a bit hard when Mr 12 wants to tickle his little sister Miss 8. But they have all witnessed the behaviour so I think they understand. It is hard though, as kids this age love to play physically, and when its raining and gail force winds there aren't a heck of a lot of ways to get physical safely! I will be calling the case worker responsible for Mr 7 on Monday and asking for some pretty decent advice. I won't tolerate it. Although Miss 13b has left now, and Mr 12 hasn't had any incidents with Mr 7 since Saturday morning - Miss 13 needs to be my priority. She is here permanently, she can't just leave if it gets too hard. I will not let her be hurt even if it means Mr 7 needs to go elsewhere. And I will make that decision if I need to. I don't want to let Mr 7 down. But there are other children (including another teenage girl coming on Tuesday) that need to be kept safe too. <br />
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I have been really happy with the addition of Mr 12 and Miss 8. They are both able to entertain themselves quietly, but also able to play and have fun too. Mr 12 has displayed a couple of annoying features. I think they may be cultural but haven't had chance to research yet. Such as - "I will not eat sandwiches for lunch, I will only eat pizza." "Sorry buddy - it's sandwiches or you go hungry. " " Fine but it has to be ham, cheese, lettuce. " "Sometimes I say, but with 7 people in the house - chances are you'll have spreads most days." I have deliberately only served sandwiches with spreads all weekend - even though I'd usually do something a bit nicer in the weekend. He has given in and started eating them.<br />
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I also asked Mr 12 to make his bed this morning. "Why do we have to make our own beds? " he asked..."Because I'm not your slave. Would you like me to show you how to do it so you know for tomorrow?" "No, I know how" he said, then made his bed. <br />
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Mr 7 loves cleaning! He asked to change his daily job from setting the table to cleaning the toilets. I didn't object. The first time he cleaned the toilet it took him 30 minutes. You could have eaten out of it! <br />
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Mr 7 ran away again. He actually hid on the property, but we couldn't find him. Mr 12 and Miss 13 found him just as we were calling in back up. He hid behind a concrete retaining wall. He has now got an outdoor safe place to run away too. We will see if that one works. <br />
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Miss 8 is totally sweet. Loves to sit and read. Loves to play. Loves to go for a drive. She seems pretty easy going. She doesn't like pork, porridge or marshmallows. Think I can live with that.<br />
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Miss 13 is dealing with all pretty well. She does seem to wind the others up a little though. She is a bit of a nark! I think this is linked to her trying to be the responsible forever child. Letting us know when things go wrong...but it really just winds the others up and gets her arguing with them. Need to remember some of those things we learnt when we had her sister living with us. About giving her certain things for being responsible for so that she doesn't need to take ownership of everything. <br />
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So yes, busy weekend. But it's not as hard as you may think. I read my book for an hour this afternoon while everyone had some quiet time (Quiet time has to be enforced for everyones sanity, including the children. Only Mr 7 doesn't handle it well). <br />
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Husband has taken the girls out to the supermarket, and the boys are having some TV time. It keeps even Mr 7 quiet - so I have got the lunches made for tomorrow and updating my blog! <br />
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<i>18/10/15</i><br />
<i>Hungry complaints back today from Mr 7. It must be linked to just needing something to complain about and first thing that comes out. He has asked for less food in his lunchbox because he can't eat it all. </i><br />
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<i>Has been displaying some sexualised behaviours. Has been inappropriately touching Mr 12 and Miss 13. (started yesterday morning, firm but quick and fair reminders that wasn't okay) When confronted about this this afternoon he ran away. It took all of us about half an hour to find him. He then came back inside and pushed Mr 12 across the room. He started to have a go and husband too. He did go to his room and calm down then talk about his behaviours. He has been given very clear appropriate boundaries to stick to - and been made to think about how it makes others feel. </i><br />
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<i>Miss 8 and Mr 12 settling in nicely. Discovered most of their things are not clothes! There was a lot of rubbish that I threw out. But a few bags of their mums stuff - photo albums, clothes, make up, even her toothbrush. I've just stored it all away and will discuss with their social worker on Monday. I believe their mum doesn't currently have a home - so it could be she just gave everything to the kids knowing they'd have somewhere to put it. I have a friend dropping some clothes off for Mr 12 at 5pm and someone else looking for some clothes for girls. So hopefully we will have enough to get through until their social worker takes them shopping. </i><br />
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And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you. Childless Parenthttp://www.blogger.com/profile/07405243631334130483noreply@blogger.com0