Missed experiences

When you haven't had the opportunity to be a child, you find that opportunity when you can.  If you look at 'some' of the kids that play up in schools...why - because at home they have to take it all so seriously.

When you look at kids in foster care, a lot of not had the experiences you or I had as a child that make us positive and contributing members of society.

We learn to trust when our parents play peek-a-boo and they come back agin.  We learn to trust when dad chucks us up in the air and catches us.  We learn to trust when there is a stormy night outside and they crawl into their parents bed and hide under the covers.

But you don't learn to trust if you don't have positive interactions with people you know you can depend upon.  You don't learn safe risk, if you don't have people to trust.

Even at 13, if a child missed out on experiences as a child, they will want childhood reassurances.

It's not uncommon for Miss 13 to play games with Mr 31 that involve them chasing each other around the couch.

It's not uncommon for Miss 13 to ask...if I do xxx, what will happen.  If I run away, will you chase me.

It's not uncommon to wake up and find Miss 13 has crawled under the covers of my bed.  "What are you doing here?" I asked this morning.  "You can't stop me" she responded.  Well...she is a 13 year old after all, she can't admit the absence of Mr 31 in the house had her so anxious she didn't sit still all evening.


And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.

Scaly Friends

Within a week of arriving Miss 13 was asking us if she could have a goldfish.

The answer has always been "not yet" there were a number of reasons.

1) We can't get you a pet, then expect someone else to care for it.  We don't have permanency in the future yet.
2) you can't even get your bedroom tidy without being reminded, how can we let another life depend on you!

Well she begged. Constantly. For a year.  Mr 31 finally caved.  Okay, you can have fish he said one day.

So the learning experience began.  I wonder why we didn't do it sooner?!

She has learnt so far:
1) Perseverance.  Ask enough and you will eventually get.
2) Budgetting.  She has had to compare prices and make decisions based on need vs want.
3) She has had to learn how to work to get what she wants.  She has taken out a $600 loan (okay yeah... a goldfish turned into two tropical tanks) which she pays back at $5 per meal cooked.  May chuck in the odd car clean too.
4) She has had to learn what ammonia is, how to measure it, and understand it's effects.
5) She has learnt about the PH scale, she has measured a range of levels, and had to add chemicals to lower or raise it according to results.  She has had to learn about acidic and alkaline levels.
6) She has had to learn what nitrate and nitrite are. She is going to be one step ahead of her peers at school.

It hasn't been easy. There are definite arguments when we remind we to feed/test the water/clean up after herself. Something she promised us would not be a problem. 

I have threatened to flush them all down the toilet ( I know, should never threaten something that can't be followed through on); to take them back to the pet shop; to give them away on face book (she would still have to pay them off; but so far... We haven't lost a fish. 

Well... That's not quite true. We had to take two back as one attached the other. We weren't keeping the bully (we aren't friends with bullies- yes we followed through on that life sentiment... Pet shop manager didn't quite know how to take that one.). The one that was attacked lost his tail- so he has had to go into long terms vet care. The pet shop bought him back as they sold us the bully with him. 

My confidence levels he made it through the vet are low.

Once a mum always a mum.

I wrote a couple of months back about biological mums. There is always that overwhelming desire to bad mouth them. To talk about the things they did to make themselves an unfit parent. 

It takes effort to change thinking on that. It takes work to make sure the words that come out of your mouth, not only when the child is around, are positive. 

After all, if it wasn't for her biological mum and the decisions she made - we wouldn't have Miss 13. But we do, and we love her. With her comes her mum. 

So I have been making more of an effort to be kind with my words and actions. Bio-mum has visitation this weekend. Likely to be the last one before our place in her family becomes permanent. 

Yes, I'm still incredibly nervous about the behaviours Miss 13 will display next week. But I am accepting the good with the bad. 

In fact, bio-mum is pretty hard up for money... And (partly because I want to make sure Miss 13 is fed... It's not always a given) we are having her for dinner before their first sleepover together in more than two years. 

Once we have eaten I will drop them at the local campsite where they will sleep and pick Miss 13 up 24 hours later. She will come home. She'll be grumpy. she'll be sad. But she will be richer for the reminders of her mothers love, and the security of her future with us. A future her mother openly encourages. For that I will be greatful. 

A next step

Hi,
I've had lots of positive feedback about my blog, and I think so far I've managed to keep it unidentifiable. So I have decided to share it with the world (not not anyone that may be able to identify me...)  If you see any identifying bits - please let me know ASAP.

Also... to keep me on these two websites I have put my blog on, I need you to vote daily.  It's a little hard if you are using a mobile device as I have to add hyperlinks in - but if you are on a desk top it's nice and easy. You just click on two buttons. One that says "Picket Fence" one that says "Top Mommy Blogs"  The Mommy Blogs one is a little more elite and harder to stay on - so if you have to pick one...pick that one.  It's the second one.

Please click Here and Here.  Thank you :)

You can do the same every single day! But I haven't worked out how to add these hyperlinks as an always thing for people who view on a mobile device...which is most of you...

Cheers Ears.

Suck it up princess

Miss 13 always complains that life is not fair. I always tell her 'suck it up princess, life is not fair' usually over something like not being able to choose the movie, or have the extra bit of chocolate, or tidy her room. 

Then tonight I said in my head several times 'it's not fair'. No it wasn't about the injustice in the world, the challenges some children are put through. So who am I to tell her to 'suck it up princess' because when I can't have what I want that's the first thing that came to mind. 

What is not fair... That I even had to go through all the pros and cons for 12 hours before realising there was no way for my wish to come true. 

What is not fair? That I have a job when thousands don't, and I get upset because the job I see advertised that I know immediately I will be perfect for isn't a viable option. (Mum, if you Are reading this... Don't even ask... You wouldn't have approved anyway lol!)

It's not fair that in order to have one I would have to give up the other. In order to have the job I want I would need to pay at least $300 less per week in rent. That leaves me with a stingy 1 bedroom bedsit in the wop wops. I just can't give up five bedrooms. Our house is always full. Where would those friends go when death was trying to steal them and they had no way of supporting themselves. Where would the kids go who just need a roof, a blanket and something to eat.  Where the bloody hell would I go if I didn't have a home that oozed with personalities, potential and ... Well ... Headlice. 

Gonna go mope now. Hate it when a dream is so close to being within reach... You just can't grasp it. 

Get Thru.

Geographically, we are high risk.  We live on a hill, with a tunnel underneath.  Right on the ring of fire. 

The chance of experiencing a major earthquake in my life time is higher than I’d care to admit.  however, a reality that has to be acknowledged when you have children to care for.  Especially other people’s children.  

When there was just me, I was certain there was always enough in the house to feed me for three days.  Although my water supplies weren’t fully stocked…I always had a few litres of soft drink in the bottom of the cupboard and a first aid kit in my car.

Then along come my Cat, i thought things through.  Put some canned cat food on the top shelf of the pantry. 

Then along came the husband.  I added a getaway kit.  Emergency blankets, slightly bigger first aid kit, tent, sleeping bags.  What I could get in the back of the car.  

When embarking on the fostering journey, they asked us if our emergency supplies were big enough to take a child with us if we had to run.  Well… yeah.  Actually, we have everything in the shed. All ready to go. We should work out some food and water through.

Miss 13 has asked when ‘she’ can foster some kids. When can ‘we’ have more kids come and stay.  I told her we can’t just hunt out abused children and offer them a home, we need to wait. There will always be kids who need us, they just don’t need us right now. 

In the same day she asked me where I was when a particular natural disaster happened (it was 1800 years ago) but it got us thinking.  

So today we went out and made a fair dent in our planning. We have enough food for 5 people for 3 days.  We have the supplies to build our own toilet, and rubbish disposal.  We have enough water for one day, but still have a  little more collecting to do (it’s not cheap to be prepared).  We have it all stored in the same corner of the garage, but no doubt the husband will relocate it so it’s a little tidier and easier to access.  

We still have a little planning to do.  We need to photocopy passports and insurance policies.  Haven’t yet got matches, or a change of clothes (how do we pack clothes for kids we don’t yet have…) We still have a few little plans to make to ensure our surivial kit is specific to our needs.  

Have you updated your emergency supplies lately? Made sure eery member of your family is accounted for? Even those who are furry, or aren’t there yet?

Why I embarrassed my child in public.

Miss 13 and her friend sought permission to catch the bus to the local shops, issue some DVDs then catch the bus home. 

I gave her boundaries. Have your phone on the whole time, be home by 5.30, make sure you have enough coinage together before you leave. 

It was a little after four. They were on a tight schedule. They mucked around on the way to the bus stop. I knew this as when my husband drove past the bus stop at about 4.55 the girls were still there. 

At this point I decided to call and remind of the 5.30 deadline that was looming. Straight to answer phone. Without a word of a lie... My heart rate increased so dramatically that I had to focus on my breathing to calm down.  Did I think she was in danger? Not really? Was I angry her phone was off? A little bit. So what was it that had me so would up that when I tried again 5 minutes later (benefit of the doubt... Signal could have dropped out) and it still went to answer phone I promptly got in the car and drove around for 45 minutes. Trying her phone every five minutes. Pulling into the dvd store, the cornerstone, the dollar store asking if girls fitting their description had walked in? Pulling over the car when I eventually found them and yelling for them to 'get in the car, you two have a hell of a lot to explain. It's 6pm, did you really think you could reverse time and be home by 5.30?'

So why did I get the increased heart rate? So why did I embarrass the hell of them? Why did I consciously make the decision to let complete strangers think I was a psychotic parent who couldn't deal with their kid being 40 min late. I will tell you why. 

I was putting up boundaries and repairing a breach in those boundaries. In a traditional family children have had years of learning what is safe from what is not safe. They have had years of safely breaking boundaries and having appropriate consequences. 

Children in foster care have often (but not always) failed to be taught the difference between safe mistakes and dangerous mistakes. 

Would the girls have got home safely the other night... Yes, they would have. They were at a well lit and busy bus stop, and I would be able to see them walk home from the bus stop at the end of our street. We live in a safe neighbourhood, and if the curfew had been 6.30, all would have been well. 

We have worked hard at setting and enforcing boundaries, distinguishing right from wrong. But we are only 16 months into that journey. I could have let the situation pass but at what cost? 

The cost of her setting her own rules and sinking back into her previous ways of staying out all night? Or for days on end? Taking shelter somewhere when it became too late to be bothered findin g a way home?

What we need to teach is boundaries and TRUST. I needed that night to show Miss 13 that she could trust me. Trust me to follow through on my word, trust me to care enough to embarrass myself (though she believes she was more embarrassed) in public, and that she can trust me to come and get her, no matter how angry I am. And most of all, to trust that if I don't think she is safe, I will do anything within my reach to find her and make her safe. 

When we got home her friend was sent to Miss 13s bedroom while Miss 13 was sent to mine. Each girl was asked to give the story of what had happened. Turns out they were fairly genuine in their mistake. The phone went flat from taking photos. They had no other source of time. They didn't think far enough ahead to figure out getting home when they realised they didn't know the time. 

As they got to the bus stop, they had asked the time for the next bus, and realised they were late. 

Miss 13 asked for her consequence. I told her there wasn't one. She asked me to punish her, I wouldn't. I reminded her that I don't give consequences for mistakes, we make sure she is helped to not make the same mistake again. 

We talked as a group about how to make a future trip safe and agreed on:

Having a back up time 

Calling from a shop if she was late. 

Choosing the bus there and the bus home before leaving. 

So that's why I embarrassed the hell out of my child at the bus stop. It's a learning process. My comments were calculated and well thought out. We are teaching boundaries, and trust. 

There was no love lost. The annoyance at me for shaming her was gone within the hour. But the lesson will hopefully stick throughout at least her teenage years.