It has been all guns firing.

It has been an incredibly long time since I updated here! A few months, but there is good reason!

That's because I have been so incredibly busy with everything, that I haven't had time!  This morning, I make time.  I had to get up early and make sure things were spick and span for a landlord visit - which means that I am just a little too tired to get started on work!

Mr 13 and Miss 9 are still here.  Only for another two weeks though...well, a little less now.  They will be moving on the 8th of July to their new home.  It could well be their forever home, however - their mum still has some opportunity to make things right.  Experience tells me this won't happen - but we still have to give them a chance - because the kids deserve that.  Nevertheless, the home they are going to they want to go to.  Such a rare move for kids in care.  They have pretty much picked their next placement - and the caregivers to be have applied, trained and been accepted as caregivers.
So a quick update on those two - since they won't be with me much longer.
Miss 9 is struggling with some basics - hoarding, lying and aggravating others.  However, these behaviors are not extreme nor are they affecting her day to day life, or that of others.  They are just typical "I've been through crap" behaviors, that seek attention and love from others.  She continues to do well at school, and has a good little group of friends.  She seems to have trouble sustaining friendships, but having moved schools so often - it's probably the longest she has had to sustain a friendship.

Mr 13 loves school. Unfortunately, a little too much.  He has become a bit of a class clown, and the teachers all note that he is a little too social, and a little too unfocused.  I believe he will get this under control - he has big goals for his life, and I do doubt he'll be the typical 13 year old boy for long.  He continues to deceive with technology - and I am constantly discovering new ways he has been accessing the internet.  On the other hand, his  behavior at home has improved tenfold.  He does little to annoy his sister, helps out often and uses his manners all of the time.  He is like a different kid!  Now just to get those boundaries sorted at school as well!

Moving on to Miss 14 - Permanent lass.  She has been doing extremely well at school, but pushing the boundaries at home.  Pretty much exactly the types of behaviors we were told she would display once things were permanent.  Arguing, manipulating, trying to use her past to get her own way.  She is learning to think before she speaks, but hasn't really mastered the skill yet.  She has had a few set backs lately - the consistency in her life has been disrupted.  As you'll see when I discuss Miss 15! She has never coped well with change, so it's no surprise that she isn't coping well now. Not to mention that she is not the centre of attention - which is her number one goal in life! On a whole she is blimming hard work.  But just gotta hang in there and hope she pops out the other side soon!

Miss 15 - well that's where the story really begins.  Over Easter weekend, she got a very sore tummy.  Too much chocolate perhaps?  So after her saying that it was really bad and she needed to see a doctor - I took her to after hours.  While we were there other symptoms appeared.  We were re-directed to the emergency room.  After a number of tests....we discovered she was in labour.  Yup. A baby.  This was no "too much chocolate" or bladder infection.  This was a real, live, human baby - only a couple of hours from entering our lives! I will make a separate post at some stage about how the events of that day unfolded.  However, what is crucial here is the lack of support she received from those legally responsible for her.  Within hours I was told I wasn't to be around anymore, that they would "deal with the situation from here". A part of the dealing with the situation was to return her to her family.  Her family are not a danger - but those in her immediate environment are.  There are NO doubts at all that the conception was not consensual.  And there are no doubts at all that the baby will be killed should she be returned to her home land.  Thankfully, we were able to get lawyers involved before the situation became dire, and they were able to keep the girls in my care.  From here we have made an application to have her accepted as a refugee - in order to keep her safe.  We are yet to hear if that is successful, but we will keep at it - no matter what we have to do.

Miss 15 had a slow start to becoming a mother, but is slowly getting the hang of things. She has formed a good bond with the baby - and the two of them are doing extremely well considering.  Don't get me wrong - there is still a lot of work to do.  But things have started well. Miss 13 weeks has met all of her milestones (or surpassed them) and babbles away quite deliciously.

Once Miss 9 and Mr 13 have moved on in two weeks, I'll either get more time to blog - or I won't have much to blog about.   From there I will be putting a hold on our availability for foster care.  To enable Miss 14 to settle into her changes, and to help Miss 15 become the mum she needs to be.  To focus on the refugee application, and to ensure Miss baby gets all the nuturing and love she needs at this crucial stage of her development.  At this stage the hold is for one school term, then things will be reevaluated. We'll see where other things are at!

When the system fails

Do you remember this post?
http://fosteringkidsinnz.blogspot.co.nz/2015/06/the-best-interests-of-child.html

I made it in June last year.  I expressed my thoughts extensively to the social work agency.  I expressed so strongly that I knew it wasn't going to work.  I feared for the combination of the two children.  Yet here I am.  Not even 12 months later.  Angry. So angry.

I brought home with me last night Mr 7, just for the night.  He was Mr 6 last time I wrote about him.  We haven't been allowed to see him since he moved to the caregivers him and Miss 8 were placed with in June last year.  Their religious differences left us shut out, the children homeschooled, and connections with their past lost. I want to say I told you so. I want to scream and yell and put the agency to shame.

I told them time and time and time again that the placement wouldn't work. That it would only be a matter of time until they were seeking out emergency care once again.  Only a matter of time until they realised for themselves that any of these siblings placed in the same house hold was a disaster waiting to happen.  They told me it wouldn't - they had fully interviewed the new parents and there were 100% confident it would work out.

It happened. Of course it happened.  Part of me feels a sense of wisdom, a little bit of narcissistic "I was right, you were wrong. I hate you" but the overwhelming feeling is one of absolute pain for this poor soul.

When he was dropped off to me on Friday night he ran to me and hugged. And held on.  And held on.  There was a scared and sad little boy who said to me "they quit on me too" followed by "no one wants me, do they? I am a bad person, aren't I?"  It took all of my power to look into those big brown eyes and say "there is a way bigger story behind this that is too hard to explain, but lots of people want you and love you, they just aren't the best people for you" It takes all the willpower in the world not to make a promise I can't keep.  I can't promise that the next home will be his forever home. I can't promise that he will be allowed to come and visit me often.  I can't even wrap him in my arms and say "I want you, come live with me" because, and I maintain, it is not in the best interests of the children.

But why am I the only person looking out for the best interests of these children? Why aren't the social workers getting this bit right.  How hard is it to see there is a broken little boy who in less than two years has been in at least 8 homes??? Can't they see what they're setting this boy up for.

http://www.radionz.co.nz/news/national/282623/'staggering-link'-between-cyf-care-and-crime

I just want him to find a forever home.  A home where he can be loved and loved and loved.  Where there are no other little children around that make his issues near impossible to cope with.  Where I will still get to see him. Where I can take his big sister to see him.  Where he will be with a family that is basically an extension of ours.  Why is that too big to ask?

Friendships

Things are plodding along well. Me 12 has matured a lot and become quite pleasant to have around. He has started being more helpful, and polite. 

Miss 9 has developed a bit of an attitude in place of mr12, and does seem to be struggling with the changes life has thrown at her. Despite settling so quickly at the start, it is clear they have switched roles. Mr 12 seems genuinely happy, Miss 9 I think is in a vulnerable place, and it's hard to stay patient. Her hearing is not good... We are still waiting on her health check. So she speaks loudly, she misses instructions and she argues unnecessarily with the other children as she often interrupts them. When others don't respond straight away, she thinks they aren't listening so begins to nag. 

I know it must be extremely hard on her, but I am finding it draining. I know she deserves more patience than I am giving her...it's not her fault. But I am struggling with always having to answer 'huh?'

Now Miss 14 is doing well. Her relationship with Mr 32 has become quite strong and as a result she is quite happy and playful. Quite childlike.   However she has had to make a hard decision. One that has resulted in cutting off her best friend. Her friend pulled a Pra k on her that upset her quite a lot (faked a teen pregnancy). Miss 14 was willing to put everything on the line to support her friend and had asked me to come home early before finding out it was a joke. She didn't talk to her friend for a few days while she recovered from it. We talked about what had been said, but Miss 14 couldn't remember the exact words and I began to read their text messages (she knew I was doing this... She knows as part of having a phone anything she says is not private). Here I found messages that were not symptomatic of a good relationship... Not in either direction. The other miss had been involving herself in unsafe behaviours, and our Miss 14 had been saying things that were boar seeing on emotional blackmail. I called her out on these things, and she agreed. Things had gone too far. 

I have her advice on how to put things right, but she decided it was best to let go of the friendship. I am proud of her for that decision. She told her friend and blocked her number. For about two weeks we heard nothing. Then she called in the landline. Miss 14 told her friend that she was making choices in her life that were leading her down the wrong paths, that she can't support that. She ended the conversation. 

I am proud of her, and she is proud of herself. She grieves the friendship, and worries for her friends wellbeing. But this young lady has made a decision that is about her own wellbeing, and this is big... She has cut ties to one of the last remaining link to her past life, she is making friends with people she wants in her future, not the people she feels she needs to cling to because of her past. 

When the grass is, actually, greener

Last night the movie Hotel Rawanda came on.  About 10 minutes in, Miss 15 said "This is like my country".  I paused the movie and turned to her.

How do you mean?

Soldiers run down the street with guns.  The set fire to your house.  They leave bodies lying across gardens.

Were you scared?

All the time.  Even when things were peaceful, you always know they will be back.

Have they ever tried to harm you?
They have tried.  They didn't hurt me.  But some of my family have been killed.

How close to you did they get?
They were in my house. Just before I came here.  I was looking after my little sister while my parents were at work.  They broke the doors down and came in. I hid under the bed with a big knife (Machete).

Did they find you?
No...they got distracted, they heard a car pull in to the driveway. It was my mum.  So they set fire to my house and left.

Did the house burn down?
No, not this time. My mum put the fire out.

To cut a long conversation short, we talked about genocide.  We talked about the reasons why Miss 15 had to move here.  We talked about how every child between 15-18 has been sent to a safer country.  They haven't come as refugees.  They have pooled all of their resources to make sure the next generation survives.

In school those of the minority culture (the ones being killed off) were crammed into one room, with no teacher after they turn 13.  They can't be educated...they might learn how to defend themselves.

Some countries are helping, their are peace keepers.  But still, there is political unrest between the minority and majority.  Between the native and the immigrants.

Miss 15 has watched her friends be killed.  She has watched her family been killed. She has had the feet of armed soldiers within cm's of her face.

She has experienced what no child growing up here could ever imagine.

I don't know if it is fortunate or unfortunate that Miss 14 and Mr 12 who were listening to parts of the conversation didn't quite grasp the extent of life lived in West Papua.  But I do hope that they realise in amongst the moments where they struggle with life in Foster Care that they can see - actually - there is worse. I am alive.  An entire culture is being killed off.  Miss 14 suggested Miss 15s parents just come over here too.  But Miss 15 explained that they have to stay and fight for their rights.  They need to fight to allow them to live in their own country.


nd one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.

Oh Christmas!

Christmas Day is an unknown with foster kids. Unknown how many you will have, unknown how they will be without their other families, Unknown what their traditions are. So when it goes well... Woohoo and a good one it was too!

After months of buying little gifts so there would be lots to open but little to spend, the day rolled in. Santa stopped by, and gave all of the children quite similar gifts. Pencils, rubbers, sleeping bag, beach towel etc.

After a cooked breakfast we sat down and the look of joy with almost every gift. Everyone had a favourite gift of the day. Especially me! Well a couple of favs. Most notable was a gift from Miss 13s mum. Miss 13s mum joined us, and although it had the potential to be awkward it wasn't. She brought us a photo frame of pictures with Miss 13 as a baby/child. Something we never thought we would have!

The other kids have talked to their mums on the phone and all has gone smooth and well. The kids are happy, that's what matters!


And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.

Holidays!

Please, if I repeat anything from previous posts please forgive me! I am writing this from the inside of a tent with no cellphone reception... So I am unable to flick through previous posts before writing! There is a smudge of signal about 20 metres to my left... But there are a number of ducks and mosquitos. Neither of which I take fondly to! 

I could of course write this from the comfort of the aunties' home where there is wifi... But... Bed and the ability to just shut my eyes when writing becomes too hard is just too tempting. 

Last night we brought miss 15 and miss 13 away on a camping holiday. Mr 12 and miss 8 are staying elsewhere for a week to give us a bit of well deserved time off. We took a 12.5 hour drive to get to our destination...the girls slept most of the way. One was car sick, the other just sleeps anytime the car gets to 100kph! 

This holiday is a significant one for us. The first one since we gained parenting orders for Miss 13. We didn't have to ask permission to take her away, we were able to sign the guardian permission form for her to take place in a dangerous activity (the risk was low...and it meant a huge amount to her... She has been wanting to do something that requires guardian consent for a long long time! You would be surprised at how many doors it closes). Tonight she is off with Mr32 at her first ever concert, and I guarantee she is having a ball. That is how I have managed to get some alone time to update my blog! 

Today we went to a petting zoo type place. We went for Miss 13 who is sheep obsessed but were surprised to discover that many of the animals miss 15 had never seen before so it was all extremely exciting. She saw her first donkey, deer and emu. We even saw baby emu's, they were only about 30cm tall and super adorable. She also got to shear a sheep (miss 13 was too worried about people looking at her to give it a go) and they both got to bottle feed a lamb. 

Mr 12 and Miss 8 participated in their big meeting that will help decide their future. Unfortunately it became pretty clear to them that what they hope for is an unlikely expectation.  There were lots of tears from Miss 8, and lots of bad attitude from Mr 12. Which did make going away on holiday without them a little hard... But I did reinforce they were going on a little holiday of their own, and they were quite looking forward to it by the time we said goodbye on Friday. 

I have finished work for the year, and although it was a really challenging year I am excited about the step up I plan to take next year. 

Christmas is fast approaching, this will be an incredibly interesting experience... I hope I have time to blog as it all unfolds as it certainly won't be 'typical'. 

And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.

We made it!

We did it! We made it! A week ago yesterday we finally became the legal guardians of Miss 13. It's been a bit of a roller coaster week though.

Miss 13 has had her swings and roundabouts. Highs where she is excited to have stability in her life, and lows--- were I am the worst person in the world because she can't see the aunts that caused so much damage to her and her siblings. (Still going to have regular contact with mum and siblings).

I have found the week hard too. This time of year is always hard for me! Just unfortunate that this time around it has coincided with what should be a happy time!

Miss 15 is beginning to open up about some of what she has witnessed in her short life (Google genocide in west Papua). Language still a little bit of an issue! Struggling to explain deodorant kindly!

Mr 12 has lots of ups and downs and there should be some certainty in his life before Christmas. Unfortunately it probably won't be the news he wants. He has come around to the idea of going to school with miss 13 and miss 15 next year... So can only imagine what their teachers are going to think of the multi racial family! I have read a few blogs on mixed racial parenting... And it appears people aren't as open as you would expect them to be!

Miss 8 cruising along nicely. Wouldn't know that she is a kid with a mucky background. Takes things in her stride, and even better... Loves making school lunches.


And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.