The need to impress

It must be hard for kids.  Fullstop really.  It must be harder for those whose future is so uncertain.  For a child, with every statement, there is a trumps.  With every game there is a loser.

For a permanant foster parent there is a need to constantly reassure your Miss 12 that, yes, she is our life.  Yet balance it with letting Master 8 know that he is fully welcome and a part of our family for now.

Miss 12
It's taken a bit of a toll on Miss 12. She hasn't said so.  But she is judging.  Asking for compliments in a round about way.  Finding ways to send Master 8 off to do something that doesn't involve being around all the time.

It took a bit of a toll on me today.  Miss 12 wanted to spend $1 of her pocket money on a chocolate bar.  I told her if she wanted to do that she had to put it in a bag and save it until he wasn't around.  It's not fair to eat it in front of him.  She couldn't understand this, it's her money - she should be allowed to spend it if she wants to.

Now I could have bought one for him - but then that wouldn't have been fair on her.  I could have let her buy the chocolate bar, but that wouldn't have been fair on him (he doesn't have pocket money!) so I had to take it as a learning opportunity.  How would you like it if we went out and I brought an ice-cream for myself and didn't offer you one?  She didn't respond.  But I think she realised.  She reluctantly put the chocolate bar back.

It's hard because I want to be nice to her, reassure her.  But I think back to something the psychologist told us.  Sometimes too much reassurance feeds anxiety. Her anxiety is being loved and accepted unconditionally by us.  I want to feed that sometimes.

I've made sure to give them both some individual attention.  Her a little more than him (yesterday it was him a little more than her) and she seems to have settled again for now.

Master 8
He doesn't know what his future holds.  He knows his family don't want him back.  Probably for his own good.  What is sad is that he feels the need to be anyone but himself.  

When he is being himself he is quite lovely (although, incredibly talkative! Exhaustingly!) however he puts on such a show.  He has been everywhere, man.  He has everything.  He has been on carnival rides that he isn't tall enough for!  He has a gazillion friends.

He gets along well with people, has a tremendous giggle.  It's hard to every see that this 8 year old is capable of destroying 2 classrooms and having such fits of anger that he harms everyone in his way...

He looks up to Miss 12.  Really wants to impress her too!  I guess she is pretty good looking!