Mary Poppins

From the story of Robertson Ay: "what is the difference between a star and a stone, a bird and a man...no difference at all. A stone is a star that does not shine, a man is a bird that can not fly" 

I know there are a many an argument to a statement that I have not before read any more into. 

But today I read this. 

In every child, there is the opportunity to succeed. In every life there is hope and in every single story of abuse and neglect is a story of potential. 

The stone does not yet shine, the man does not yet fly. That's how I would rewrite the statement.  

Mums are ALWAYS mums.

Mothers day was a day waiting to happen for a wee while.  I act as the mother, but biologically I'm not.  Miss 13 will never see me as her mother.  That was bringing an element of 'annoyance'.  

However, I read a friends blog on Friday that made me reconsider the day.  A blog that helped me to see the day for what it is.  Mothers are mothers, whether or not they still have their children.  Miss 13's mum, is still her mum, regardless of the fact that I am now the parent.  I'm sure given the opportunity again her mum would do things differently.  She still loves her.  And the day was probably bringing a fair amount go angst for her too.

So I let Miss 13 phone her mum.  I don't know what the social worker will say about it, and I don't really care.  The two of them appreciated it like I had never imagined.  I could hear the joy in her mums voice through the phone even though I was some distance away.  They only spoke positives, and I even over heard her mum asking her to wish ME a happy mothers day.  Miss 13 made it clear she wouldn't, but her mum persisted throughout the phone call "they are doing for you what I can not".  

Miss 13 told me when she got off the phone what her mum had asked her to do - but told me she wouldn't!  But it meant a lot that her mum asked to her do it. 

So this mothers day, I'm not getting hung up on the fact that Miss 13 won't acknowledge mothers day with me.  I am getting hung up on the fact that biological mothers are always mothers, and that they deserve the recognition too.  Miss 13s mother has brought to us a truly wonderful girl that I will always be thankful to have in our lives.  

We'll take foster mums day some other time!  Perhaps when we get guardianship we'll call it guardian's day.  

Aim for the moon. Even if you miss you'll land among the stars.

Miss 13 has been talking for awhile about applying for a job.  At a car dealership of all places!  Hey we chase big dreams around here!  Pretty sure it's just cos she has a crush on the guy that works there and sold us our cars.

Today she discovers that there is actually no minimum age to become employed (we'd said it was 14, thinking it was) so she has sat down and written a CV, and cleaned the bathroom to earn enough money to go to the library and print the CV.

She has just convinced Mr 31 to take her down to apply for a job at the local car yard.  I suggested to her printing off a couple of extra copies of her CV as people don't usually get the first job they apply for.  To be open to other options as well.

So off she has gone, with the greatest wish of luck & prepared for disappointment.  I hope for her sake she does get a little job, even a short term one - it will be a fabulous for her as she has never had any dreams about careers.   She thought briefly about being a vet, but having to put animals down put her off that.

The challenge will be getting her a tax number...that needs a guardians signature...and until we are guardians...that is always a little worry.  She can be very convincing though - I'm sure she can talk her mum into anything.

It made a difference to that one.

The starfish story has been stuck in my head for the last couple of weeks. 'I made a difference to that one'. The idea that you can't save them all doesn't make you feel any better when you want to save them all. 

We saw our lawyer for the first time yesterday. We are officially applying to be the parents of Miss 13.  It comes with a new set of challenges. Challenges we know about but still a bit freaky to have them pointed out. You will have to go to court. The biological parents will make accusations against you as their last ditch effort to prove they are able to be parents. There will be no more government department to help make decisions. 

But that's not the hard part. The hard bit is knowing 5/6 of her siblings don't yet have their home for life. Her brother has fabulous caregivers, her little sister thought she had new caregivers for life. But these kids come with such complicated issues that they are going to be hard to place. If the government agency are honest with potential caregivers about their needs. As it is; a little girl is about to have her life tipped upside down again because agencies didn't listen to the people who know her best. Will they be honest though...experience tells us probably not. Which will likely result in yet another break down in home, and another life possibly getting to the point where 'no one wants me' and that feeling sticking around for life. 

So there is the relief that for one child her life will become more stable and permanent ( after a length court process). But saving one starfish feels like a small dent in a monumental problem that I don't feel I have the power to change. 

We have had an amazing three weeks.

Three weeks ago we started on something new. A journey of happiness and good behaviour. 

It was a little like a page turned and a new chapter started. Only 13 months after the first page of the book was turned. 

Miss 13 has been outstanding. She got an outstanding school report, she has been extremely helpful around the house and she has started making family orientated statements. 

Two weeks ago we had three of her younger siblings visit. She is still very much struggling with the letting go and treating them like she is their sibling not their parent... But progress is so clear. Especially when we see her interact with the two siblings she sees more often alongside the one she hadn't seen for six months. 

I wonder when the chapter will end and the new one will begin. I have my suspicion and could write the exact date and time I believe it will change... But I won't. Don't want to curse myself!

She is showing signs of wanting to be seen as responsible again, and many of the challenges we faced with a house full of people have dropped from boiling point. I know they are still simmering there. Waiting for any sudden thermostat changes. But just maybe our journey is leading toward bad days scattered among good ones. Not the other way around. 

One party after another

It's hard enough for me as an adult to remain in prime form when one party is followed by the next...constantly.

We have house guests this week.  10 at the moment.  So it's like a constant party. It makes me tired just seeing that many people.  But the hardest part is that Miss 13 quickly forgets the lessons she has learnt and slips back into bad habits.

She makes 'mean' comments instead of nice ones, she gives lip when it isn't needed. The tone in her voice dictates attitude, not respect.  Don't get me wrong, she is doing really, really well.

I've been reflecting on why it is that she slips back into old habits while there are people around, and not when it's just the three of us at home.  I have a wondering.  I wonder if it is that having people around reminds her more of being at 'home'.  Where she constantly had to demand attention if she wanted it - no matter if that was positive or negative attention.  The need to be defensive, because if she wasn't - she got the blame.  The need to boss people around, because if she didn't she had to do it. The need to get give attitude to others, so that they didn't give it to her first.

I hope that is all it is. And I hope that when she looks back on this fortnight, she will look back and think "Oh it wasn't so bad after all. No one forgot me. No one left me out" Maybe the next time will be a little more simple.

The thorn among the roses.

Of course my prediction was right.  Nothing is ever just a walk in the park is it.

The majority of our one year celebrations went perfectly yesterday.  Miss 13 loved her surprise dinner, she picked a movie (The second best exotic marigold hotel) that appealed to both myself and Mr 31.

She sat three seats down in the cinema (hey, she is 13 after all!) and talked pleasantly about the movie.

But in the car things went quiet.  She went straight to bed without her usual good night (read me a story and give me lots of attention) routine.

Its a hard one.  Of course she wanted to celebrate a fabulous year.  But inside those celebrations is a mark of a terrible day.  The day her and her siblings were ripped from their family home. With nothing but the clothes they stood in.

It took weeks to get her clothes.  She still hasn't got her 'things'.  She was made to recount some of the disgusting abuse that took place.  Yesterday marked those memories for her.  So I am not surprised she went to bed without saying good night.  But it still hurts a little.

She called me when I got to work this morning.  No reason, obviously just wanted to say hi.  My guess is that was her way of saying "last nights over, just checking you are still there."