Miss 13 and I have a new TV show. It's about a foster family. Really loving the theme song.

"Where You Belong"

If you're feeling down or weak

You can always count on me

I will always pick you up

Nothing's ever gonna change

Nothing's gettin' in my way 

I will always hold you up 

Anything 

Come what may

Don't look back forget yesterday

Forget yesterday 

[Chorus:]

It's not where you come from

It's where you belong

Nothin' I would trade

I wouldn't have it any other way 

You're surrounded

By love and you're wanted

So never feel alone

You are home with me

Right where you belong

I know sometimes you're feeling lost

It's hard to find your place in it all

But you don't have to fear

Even when you mess up

You always got my love

I'm always right here 

Oh, cause 

Anything

Come what may

Don't look back forget yesterday 

Forget yesterday (ay)

[Chorus]

Oooo Oooo (Oooo) [x2]

Don't matter where you've been

Oooo Oooo (Oooo) [x2]

You're here for a reason

Oooo Oooo (Oooo) 

Nooo

[Chorus]

A fairy party

Miss 7 turned miss 8 over the weekend. She had her first ever birthday! 

The morning started 'when it is daylight you can get up' with bundles of joy and it continued right through til bedtime. She obviously hasn't heard the song 'it's my party and I will cry if I want to'

She had many of the most important people in her life with her. 2 sets of her previous caregivers present, all 4 she adores. 3 of her siblings, three of her teachers, and a number of other people. 

You know a girl is pretty special when her teachers turn up to her party! 

She kept saying it was the best birthday ever, and there was no need to ask why. She got presents, and loads of them. She got hugs and loads of them. But most importantly, she got memories. 

A lesson in geography

I took miss 13 and miss 7 on a road trip. It was a decent 6 hours each way. Miss 13 normally falls asleep before we are at the end of our street. But this time she didn't. Something was different. 

Miss 13 heard me say 'do you want me to wake you up to see the volcanoes if it's still daylight' 

We will see volcanoes??? The excitement was amazing. Not only that I said but we are going to basically be on a volcanic area. You will see steam hiss from the ground, mud bubbling as you walk on by and lakes that are hotter than a boiling kettle. You will even swim in a river that has hot water flow down it. 

The questions began. The questions did not end until we were home three days later. She even spent her spending money to go to a volcano learning centre. 

We may just have a volcanologist in the waiting. I won't suggest it though. If I do it will never happen! She has to think of it her self!  

For a moment I thought you were xxx

Today there were tears. Miss 7 said 'nah' I made it clear that wasn't acceptable. She sobbed. 

She could explain to me what she did, why it wasn't okay and what she could do instead. So why the tears I asked her. 

'For a moment I thought you were xxx, I forgot that I am okay and you won't hurt me' she sobbed even more. You are safe and it's okay I reassure her. You will get told off sometimes, but you won't get hit.  

She cried 'it's my 5th foster home, it's too hard, everyone has different rules.  I want to go home' 

Where is home for you I asked her.  I don't know she told me. Home is where I will stay and I won't have to keep doing things differently. Home isn't with xxx because that isn't safe. But that means I haven't been home in a long time. 

Insightful for Miss 7. I hope she makes it home soon. It's so unfair for one so young to go through so much change. 

Fairies and mermaids

My weekend consisted of fairies and mermaids. Miss 7, has thus far been a pleasure. Typical rivalries between her and Miss 13.  But nothing worth getting worked up about. 

She has begun to plan her birthday party. Her 8th birthday will be her first birthday. And she couldn't be more excited. She keeps asking me how many days, just in case a day slipped by. 

She has chosen a fairy party. And a couple of hours at the sewing machine and I have nearly got two fairy costumes done. 

Today I spent a few hours planning her school work for the next two weeks. Miss 7 won't be going to school for the next 8 weeks. So I have the great pleasure of setting her work and seeing her excel. She is currently 2 years behind her age level but I am quietly confident I can get her up to her year level within 8 weeks.

We have found the perfect person to oversee her day care and education. Quite amazing actually I stopped and thought to myself... Who would be the perfect person. That person was not only available but willing. I only met her a few weeks ago... How funny how life lines things up.  

I couldn't be more in my element. 

Grief

 

Grief has many stereotypical definitions. No one has the same internal definition though. 

Today I grieve for the child entering our home. Grief is associated with loss though, not gain. But somehow it fits. 

Because in the gain of a child to our home there are so many different realms of loss. Not only for the child, but those around the child. 

The loss first of all of innocence. When as a toddler experiencing abuse of all sorts. 

The loss of permanency. When taken from the people who love you so much they hurt you. 

The loss of their definition of love. 

The loss of being 'the same' as everyone else and being in the care of other family. 

The loss of thinking they have their new home forever then experiencing abuse so unimaginable they lose their childhood

The loss of predictability in routine as you move between homes while your new forever home is found. 

The loss of hope of being reunited with your family once your forever home is found. 

The loss of your forever home because your issues are so big you can't really be looked after by those without intricate knowledge of how to manage your grief. 

Then the loss of care. Because, certainly, there has to be a point you get to where you don't even believe or dream of staying put and believing those who say they love you. Ever. Again. 

Its too much to wish you happiness in our home Miss '8 in two weeks'. I wish with all my heart that I can help you find some hope. I can't take away your past. But I hope I can shape your future. 

When the fire burns...

I get this little fire of passion in my heart every time.

Every time a new kid comes along that I can make a difference for.  Every time I have the opportunity to "throw back one more starfish".

Over time, as I see a child settle, their need for me to help them decreases, the fire fades.  I still care unreservedly about the children, but they don't need me to be as much for them as I once was.  Miss 13 is still a very important part of my life.  She still needs me.  But I had stopped learning.  I knew how to handle her. I know her needs vs her wants. I have become her parent, not her foster parent.  I know how to get her excited, and how to make her frustrated.  I can look back over the last year with her and I see the changes she has made, the distance she has travelled.

Over the last few months I've felt myself becoming tired, lacking enthusiasm, lacking motivation really.  Another young Miss 7 comes into our lives...she isn't even with us yet...and the fire is re-lit.

Already there is a fire burning, a passion, some motivation and I'm a little less tired.  There is something about helping out one more child that fires me up every single time.

But it's not really like a fire...as the fire for a child never leaves...Maybe it's more like a belt notch.  Add one more child to my belt... the bigger the belt gets, the more love can fit inside it.

Oh that probably all makes no sense at all...but it makes sense to me.  I know what makes me tick. I just wish I could win lotto so I could just have a house full of kids and not work!