She is not following the rules.

The title in this instance is in reference not to Miss 13, but to her mum. You'll find out why soon.

Over the last month Miss 13 has gone from settling fabulously into school, making good friends, having a really positive attitude toward getting homework done on time, being prepared for school and the like.  To disinterested, untalkative (about school) and well, a bit of a madam.  A little more madam than her normal "i've just turned 13" madam.

We have had a lot going on in our lives.  Meaning some pretty strange awake/asleep hours, i naively put her unsettled stage down to this.  Strictly enforcing routines, homework before play.  Going to bed on time etc  It wasn't making a heck of a lot of difference though.  Something else was going on.

She is excited I thought to myself.  My best friend and fiance are staying with us for awhile, and she has someone to show off to.  That's it I thought, it will pass.

Last night Miss 13 sent a text message to me, not its intended recipient.  All of a sudden the lightbulb went off and all fell into place.  She has found contact with her mum.  I immediately took the phone, told her why I was taking the phone.  It is a court imposed order, you are allowed no unsupervised contact or communication with her.  Its for your own safety.

She was ripped apart.  Devastated, She had finally heard from her mum, and she gets the consequence.  She misses out on something she though she was going to have. Again.  She admitted to me that she knew she wasn't supposed to be communicating with her mum.  But since her mum got in touch why wouldn't she respond.  I downloaded the phone statement, and see that there were almost 200 text messages over the previous 2 weeks.  Here everything falls into place!  No wonder we've had a challenge on our hands.

I have no idea of the content.  As much as Miss 13 accidentally sent me a message, she had not so accidentally deleted all of the communication with her mum as she was going.

It seems incredibly unfair to me that the 13 year old is the one punished in this situation.  The 13 year old has to have her phone taken off her while the phone is deleted of anything that may hold her mums contact details, while a new number is obtained for her.  It's the 13 year old that once again gets ripped away from her the tiny little bit of hope she has gathered.  It's the 13 year old who is put in a situation where she is forced to lie to protect the people who she loves so very much.  It's the 13 year old that will miss out on her next 'ok'd' visit with her family.

The 30something year old involved, will get spoken to.  Will get it added to the lengthy court documents.  But what will it change for her.  She won't have to get rid of her phone.  She won't be given a lecture about keeping unsafe secrets.  She will get to see all of the other children on the day she isn't allowed to see Miss 13.

That's right...Miss 13 gets the consequences because her mother can't stick to the boundries that have been imposed upon her to keep her child safe.

Makes me wild.

We will be her parents...it's just waiting for the legal stuff now.

What a year! To put it simply!  We've had a heck of a run. We returned from our overseas holiday, where Miss 12 turned Miss 13 - and we saw lots of new and wonderful attitudes and behaviors come about.  Of course they have been quite mixed with the usual 13 year old ones too!

On our return Miss 13 had her, now quarterly, visit with her mum.  Thank goodness they've been reduced to quarterly - her mum decided to say all sorts of things to upset her - for privacy reasons I won't put them here!

During all of this we have been approved as the guardians with full custody for Miss 13, so once it has gone through court and all official - she will finally be able to stop worrying about where she will be in the future and take away some of her doubts preventing her from settling in.  She does know this is on the cards... and as we were told to expect, but couldn't really imagine until it happened - she has began testing boundaries.  

It's hard to tell whether they are normal 13 year old boundaries - or if they are the ones that get pushed by any child when they find a new forever home.  The tantrums have been a little more physical, stomping of feet, attempts (haha it was soft close) to slam doors and under the breath comments about 'you can't tell me what to do"  It's been increasingly important to explain why those sorts of behaviors aren't acceptable, that those behaviors won't make us get rid of her, and how the consequence links to the behavior.  Also had a bit of practice at identifying for her how she is feeling, as that is very challenging when you've had a whole upbringing of only identifying anger. She has expressed gratitude to having her behaviors repeated back to her as she often isn't even aware of what she has just done.  

Her tantrums have been nicely balanced by little letters saying "I love you" and "I'm glad I will be in your family forever" "I'm glad it's all over".

But in all of these marvelous adventures. where there have been 100s of stories to tell...that's about all I can sum it in to.  Main reason being that Miss 13 doesn't give me 5 minutes alone to update my blog! Now that holidays are over and I am back at work and she is back at school - I should have more time! Yes...I hear what I just said!

A great little Christmas.

Christmas is a little different once there is a child in the house. It's also a bit different with some air conditioning. 

Miss 12 had her first Christmas Roast, Christmas crackers and more presents than, well, she imagined possible. 

Sadly her mum let her down. The promised phone call was waited for all day, but even a week later the call still hasn't come. We tried calling her but she didn't answer.  However, she made up for it in our family. Christmas isn't the same without someone to argue with. So she picked out my 29 year old brother. He took it well and gave back just as much. 

One unusual moment was when she picked up her sing star microphones 'nana' had given to her and asked me "am I allowed to keep them?"  That's what Christmas presets are for young one! Keeping. 

The joy didn't run dry over the day and she appeared to genuinely have the best Christmas of her life. 

Her birthday immediately follows Christmas, and boy was that full of anticipation... It started straight after opening her Christmas presents. She wasn't disappointed either. Her own cake, presents by the many and her special surprise, a trip to swim with the dolphins. She ultimately proclaimed 'by best birthday ever, and I know it wont be my last.' However as we finished out dinner out and were heading home to bed. 'Mums let me down, again, another broken promise'. That absolutely sucks for a child. She thinks the world of her mum and should not have to make any observations of such. I checked all my messages,  emails and missed calls. Nothing from her. I tried explaining to our now Miss 13 that anything could have happened. Maybe her mum lost the number? She knew better though 'she has known the number for a year... How would she lose it now' I struggled to come up with other excuses. 

It makes me more determined not to let her down! 

On another note this holiday has shown us just how far se has come. Her behaviour has been outstanding, there has been very little, if any, self sabotage to prevent enjoyment. Perhaps the most notable though was her approach to money. No longer does it have to be grasped and held on to tight but it can be parted with. 

Last holidays she barely parted with a cent. This time on arrival I gave her $170 spending money and it was gone within two days! I'm okay with that. She feels secure and safe enough that we will get her home and provide for her. It did lead to a few budgeting discussions though. How to earn money, and how to spend it wisely. Eg. The comparisons between quality and quantity, how many times somethig will be used. She is now earning 25cents a minute to walk the dog. It's peace and quiet well worth paying for! 

Internalise that Stress.

One thing I find ridiculously stressful is moving house.

Once I'm physically in the house I am fine, I don't mind unpacking - in fact I quite enjoy it.  But I hate the anticipation - the planning, the packing, the changing of utilities...

Chuck into that some slightly more complicating factors:

Being a homeowner who needs to cover mortgages and rent at the same time
Moving while not physically in the country.
Moving into a house that isn't actually built yet - with no definite finish date in mind.


Having to move a 12 year old who resents change and copes (well doesn't cope at all) badly with any change.


All of the above factors would be fairly easy to manage in isolation. But having to not speak about those challenges or at the very least keep the stress levels visibly low.  To have to pack a house around a child who would likely have panics around seeing things go into boxes.  It's a pretty big thing to take on!

So instead of stressing verbally - I'll speak my thoughts in writing.

Packing:
I have two options.  Hiring someone to come in and do it once we've left to go overseas.  Or. Two days before we leave while Miss 12 is at school - roping in as many people to come in and do it as possible and try and get it done in the 6 hours she is at school.

One would mean I worry more about the safety of our 'things'. Two would mean Miss 12 coming home and not being in a  very good mood for the remainder 36 hours before we left, and possibly carry that stress into our holiday.

So remove her stress (get it done professionally while away); or remove my stress and do it all myself like I always have because I'm a control freak.

Or combine the two.  Could Mr 31 cope with overseeing things while I'm away...could I let go enough?

Things I do know:
Insurance I can sort over the phone
Phone and internet I can sort over the phone
Power I can sort over the phone.
The cat is booked into a cat jail so that she doesn't have to deal with the stress.
The move will have happened before we get back - we'll just have to move everything upstairs and unpack (that bit doesn't stress me).

Things I don't know:
How will Miss 12 cope.
How will I get things packed when I get so stressed about packing.
When will our house get tenants so that we can actually put an exact date on moving.

Urgh.  Moving is stressful.

That is all

I am sitting at my desk crying as I write this one.

It's Christmas time

There's no need to be afraid

At Christmas time

We let in light and we banish shade

And in our world of plenty

We can spread a smile of joy

Throw your arms around the world

At Christmas time

I learnt something this morning.  Miss 12 and I were singing along to the radio on the way to school, and the new version of "do they know it's Christmas time" came on and I sung away.  Next thing I had goosebumps.  Miss 12 made some comment about me being cold - and I said - no, it's the song.  As I realised it had just done something in me.  I told her it was one of my favourite Christmas songs and it always makes me think. It didn't tell her just how much it made me think. 

Feed the world...let them know it's Christmas time... Something hit me.  I know what Christmas is about now.  As the lead up to Christmas has come we've discovered Miss 12 doesn't really have any traditions.  Each year for Christmas she gets a new pillow for her bed.  But other than that - it's just any other day.  This Christmas we are feeding her not only her first Christmas roast, her wrapped up presents and probably a few badly sung Christmas Carols. We are feeding her traditions that she can carry with her for life.   

It's not going to be an easy Christmas for our family.  It's our first one without a very significant family member. But it's going to be an amazing one. Letting a nearly teenager experience a Christmas of many firsts.  She'll know it's Christmas time.  

It will also be her first Christmas that she doesn't need to be afraid.  No one will get drunk and hurt her. No one will call her names. Siblings won't be pulling her hair or taking her new pillow.  

All of a sudden that is what Christmas is about to me.  I've had real trouble answering the question from people: What do you want for Christmas this year?  I haven't been able to come up with a single thing.  I have said silently in my head "guardianship for Miss 12" but I haven't been able to think of one physical thing I wanted.  Because what I am looking forward to most is seeing a child enjoy Christmas for the first time in their lives.  That's enough present for me this year. 

I am sitting at my desk crying as I write this one.  

12'isms

Miss 12 came home from school swimming sun-burt.  I quizzed her about this and yes, as promised, the school had provided the sunblock.  However, Miss 12 got straight in the water after applying it!  After a quick email to her very young, beginning teacher, a polite email - just letting him know how to be sun-smart - of which he was very grateful.

Miss 12 is one of the only white kids in the class, so was one of the most badly burnt.

From this point I knew it was my job to make sure that Miss 12 was fully informed on how to be sun-smart!  Slip, Slop, Slap!  I told her that now the summer months are coming she needed to be responsible for putting sunblock on every 4 hours, two if she were in the water.  She listened carefully as I explained that she needed to wait 15 minutes before getting in the water after applying the sunblock so that it wouldn't wash straight off.  She nodded and agreed.

She came out from the shower in a bit of pain, and had me apply the aloe-vera.

The next night she came to me to have aloe vera applied, and I noted..."You smell like sunblock...did you actually have a shower?"  "Yeah, I put sunblock on when I got out" she replied. "Why?" I asked.  "Because you told me every four hours in the summer, and I haven't put any on since I left school" she explained.  "You won't get sun-burnt in bed" I laughed.  "but you said I had to put it on every four hours, so I have been putting it on every four hours".  Once my laughter died down, I explained that this was only really important if she was going to be outside - for longer than five minutes.  She didn't need to sunblock to check the mail box or walk to the car, but if she was going outside to play then she needed to put sunblock on, and reapply if she was still outside 4 hours later.

Hopefully I made myself clear!

Then almost a week later - we had a problem with the monkeys. 

Miss 12 "you should shut your window, a bamboo might get it"
Me "What? Huh?"
Miss: "You know - like lions and tigers and bamboos"
Mr31: "Has there been an escape from the zoo I don't know about"
Me: "Do you mean baboon?  We don't have baboons around here you know"
Miss: "No, bamboo, you know, monkeys"
Me: "Yeah, but bamboo is a woody plant, they can't climb in windows"
Miss "No, not the bamboo stick, the bamboo monkey"
Me: "Bamboo is the stick, Baboon is the monkey".
Miss: (with her head slightly to the side) "Oh...no wonder when I google bamboo all I get is sticks".

She won't be kissing boys either...

Mr 31 is investigating a contagious illness at work... and looking into some stuff around that.  Miss 12 asked a few nights ago how you catch said illness.  He told her exchange of bodily fluids.  This morning she asked a few more questions.  Like what bodily fluids actually means.  I said - Blood, saliva, snot...

Miss 12: "eww saliva, can you get said illness from pashing someone"
Me: "Of course, you can get  # and & and ( and @ and * all from just kissing someone"
Miss 12: "omg, i'm never going to pash anyone.
Mr 31: "Don't tell her that"
Me: "shhhh, she just said she'll never pash anyone, shhhh"
Miss 12: "Ewww, I pashed someone when I was 8, I hope I don't have it"
Me: "Nah, you'd know by now, just don't do it again, just in case"