Things are calm. Things are peaceful (relatively)

There isn't much to say when things are going well.  It's a shame really, that the things that always seem worth saying are when my brain is crying out in desperation for an outlet!

But things are good.  We have four children at the moment, and things are fairly harmonious.  Though...if even one of them could sing harmoniously I'm sure my ears wouldn't ring quite so much.

Miss 15 is very quiet. Doesn't say a lot (Can't say a lot yet!) but is the most helpful of them all.  She will often do everyone else's jobs before any of us even notice she is missing!  Really working hard at the moment of getting her out of her bedroom and into being an active member of the family.

Miss 13 is a stereotypical teenager.  There isn't really much more to say than that. Delightful, argumentative, kind, mean, friendly, bitchy.  And that's just within five minutes.  She has been excited about our day in court, but did say today "Well, it's not exactly going to change anything is it".  I still have to laugh about her comment to her Bio mum a couple of days ago - they were expressing their differences on something and Miss 13 says "Far out, some days I feel like I am adopted".  Her mum and I saw the funny side of it - she had NO idea, why we were laughing.  The nice part about this is that she is obviously just so comfortable with who she is and where she fits that "adopted" isn't the insult it is that most kids would use against their parents!

Mr 12 is settling down.  Not being quite as protective of his things or his sister as he once was.  He met with his lawyer last week, and he seems to be fairly comfortable with where things are at.  He still is very determined that home is where he will return within 6 months.  I'm not so confident.  The lawyer asked us if we were in a position to take him and his sister permanently.  The answer is no.  Miss 13 and Miss 15 are quite enough for the long term!

Miss 8 is really sweet.  You would not know that she has had so much trauma and confusion in her life.  She loves reading, playing, drawing and going to school.  She is always excited about whatever is next in the day - and always the first to ask everyone else how their day has been.  Quite beautiful manners.  Though, concerning that she can lie very quickly.  She will own up again as soon as she knows she has been caught out - a bit of a defence thing, a fear of being in trouble.

Well that's us for now... It's hard to keep thinking of things to write when things are going okay.  Hopefully I don't have any drama to come back with any time soon - I guess the next time you'll be hearing from me will be after our date in court :)

Sorry it's been so long

Sometimes things get so busy, that I just can't spare the five minutes in my day to blog.  The last two weeks have been just like that! Unfortunately, the longer I leave it - the less I have to say.  I think it is because it is hard to prioritise (and remember...a lot of my reason for starting a blog was so that I remembered things!)

So why have the last two weeks been so busy.

Part One: Our gangsta.
The little gangsta boy we had, did indeed return to us after his first night.  We got through a few more days, but then he started to display some fairly threatening behaviours.  We wouldn't have a bar of that, he didn't respond to discipline - long story short he ran away and had to be picked up by the police.  To start with I felt pretty gutted about the whole thing.  But I know it's important to remind myself that you can't save them all! Just do what you can, where you can, the best you can.  That won't be right for everyone.

Part Two: Miss 13's sister
She has consumed a bit of my mind lately.  She has returned from a substantial period of time "out of harms way", and the transition back into every day society has not gone well.  I have had a fairly big emotional involvement in this youngsters life. She asked for me to be a part of her life, and how can you say no to that!  She was supposed to be coming to stay this weekend...but, with hubby away, decided it was best to postpone til the following weekend so that I have some back up!

Part Three: My job.
I was offered another job.  One that would pay substantially more, and enable me to follow one of my passions quite closely.  However, I had several talks with my own boss (I use the word in lieu of a better option...she certainly isn't bossy!) and we managed to find some ways to make my job work for me, that will enable me to see through some changes I am very passionate about.  So yes...there are other passions but alongside that...I have an unfinished job where I am.  That ultimately leads to the same long term outcomes.  The difference is that I know I have someone that I find pretty inspiring to look up to, and to help lead me through the management part of my job - the people management! The bit I find really hard.  So hopefully with her support I will not only see my plans through, but gain some confidence as a leader and manager of people myself.   I will still have the skills (plus more of them) to get offered that other job again when the time is right!

Part Four: Court.
One week and a bit to go!

Part Five: Siblings. Miss 8 and Mr 12 are well settled. Miss 8 more so.  Mr 12 is having to think about new schools for next year, alongside having no idea what is future will hold in terms of where he will live. So that is hard!  A child I work with has just given him 100s of magic cards...so he is in heaven at the moment.  Combined with those from a colleague on Friday, and we have a kid with something to do now!

Part Six: Miss 15.
I have been reading a bit about the country miss 15 comes from.  It has sickened me to find out genocide is an actual happening thing right now - 2015.  WHAT THE?  Actually!

Part Seven: Health
Somethings gone awol with my blood pressure.  I had to go along and get it checked a couple of times...and, well...don't know what's causing it. Likely I need to exercise more...but I eat pretty good - and even though I am crazy busy at times I'm not that stressed (though I have been the last week...so could be why it shot up).  Anyway - have to go and get some blood tests done.

Part Eight: Christmas
I can't believe how quickly the last couple of weeks have gone. I have all but finished christmas shopping....but three out of four children have their birthdays within 6 weeks of christmas...so I have to keep my thinking hat on - and my keen shopping eye on online sales.

Part Nine: Because
Because if I put a part nine, I can be one step closer to a ten part story.

Part Ten: Did it.
Did you read to the end!  See what I mean?  Not much to say when you leave it so long as the details drop out!

Internal musings of a me.

I have been a little thin on the blog the last few weeks (unfortunately not thin on the hips!) and that would be because I have been too busy! I hate the word busy. But it's plain and simple truth!

In the house at the moment we have miss 8, mr 11, mr 12, miss 13 and miss 15. Things settled really well after the departure of Mr 7, and of course it wasn't long before the call came in for Mr 11.

Mr 11 is about the toughest kid we have had so far. He is a gangbanger, his uncle is president of said gang. But there is one thing plain and simple in my mind : he is an 11 year old boy who has been in foster care for five years... And he needs love. He has, unfortunately, found that feeling of acceptance in the wrong places. I don't know if he will be back tonight. He has an illegal plan in place for the day. I just hope like crazy that when I said 'if you don't, you can come home with me again tonight'. He liked it with us. He admitted it. I think despite his staunch nature he really does want to come home tonight. What he doesn't know is I peeked in on him at 9pm... He was sound asleep, he was just a (not so) little kid. No bandanas. No slouched shoulders. No clenched fists. Just peace.

Miss 15 is still experiencing some culture shock. Our environment is so much further developed than hers. We had an electricity problem the other night. I came home to no power... As soon as the garage door wouldn't open and I could see the neighbours lights on... My heart sunk as I knew there was something wrong. I called for help (when husband is out of town for 4 weeks... And doesn't answer his phone ... You get a good list of support people!) I was advised to turn everything off then try resetting the fuses. (Still no luck... Turned out, long story short, miss 13 had spilt water from her fish tank in the multi box and the rcd switch had blown in order to prevent us all being electrocuted!) Miss 15 was on doing laundry that day. When I asked her to do the laundry it didn't occur to me that I had only taught her how to turn the machine on when it was already switched on at the wall. Turns out when someone isn't used to electricity they don't know to turn it on!

Mr 12 and Miss 8 became briefly unsettled earlier in the week when they were told it would be at least 6 months before they would get to go back to mum.  They have settled again now though and I have assured them that they are welcome here and that they aren't going to have to move again.

Miss 13 is getting pretty excited about our court date.  It's only a couple of weeks ago.  She has really come around to the fact that this is actually happening.  Her mum has been surprisingly helpful in reducing some of her anxiety around it and has told her "you are just going to have two mums, and two homes now....most people only get one.  These people can give to you what I can't manage".  So full credit to her.

I have still been dealing with the internal dilemma of what to do next year.  Part time work, full time work, teaching, not teaching, same school, different school.  And although this isn't a school blog, it's a fostering blog - I am going to share a brief update because I did make the post about wondering whether or not to give up work to foster full time.  The short response to any questions at the moment is "I don't know".  And my general comment is - don't ask.  I am extremely torn between a couple of options at the moment, and asking me isn't wise!  I have spoken a lot with my extremely supportive and inspirational principal.  And I have also spoken with a friend who is a principal - because I need to work out exactly what it is I want and need before making a final decision.  I am humbled to have so many options available to me.  But I am also sort of wishing I didn't have so many options!



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Crisis averted.

Miss 13s sister miss 11 was in town this weekend. Visiting (not for the first time) the new caregivers who will take her in long term next week. Things weren't going well and as a result we were called and asked to take her for the last night. We did. We know her well, and she was fine with us. She is pretty good on a whole and more than happy to have her for the girls to spend some time together.

But what makes me annoyed is the discovery that miss 11s caregivers are going to be PAID to have her. Paid to care and love and provide. I think this is unfair... I don't get paid! I mange worse behaviours than she has and they can call on me for support when they are getting paid to do it?  I looked into the agency they care for, and a condition of caring is that you have no other dependant children. But really? Her needs are no more severe than others we have had over the last few weeks and it makes me feel a little pissed. Call on me for support sure... But give me your two days of pay! I won't say yes so easily next time.


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In the best interests

Sometimes it's hard to see why some things are done why they are.  We had to make a decision that Mr 7 had to move on...it was in the best interests of the other 6 people in the house.  It was not in his best interests.  His social worker should have been standing up for his best interests.

A couple of weeks ago - right in the early stages of things going bad, I asked his social worker for support.  I said...his behaviour is deteriorating rapidly...here is what I am doing...here is what works and to what extent...here what I have tried with no effect.  I get told "You are doing everything right".  The next day "Things are getting worse, I need some more strategies" I get told "We will find a new placement for him"  This infuriated me...the social worker should be advocating for the best interests of the child.  The social worker should have gone out of her way to make sure that we were surrounded in not only strategies, but practical support.

If I were the social worker I would have come around to the house.  Put a safety plan in place, offered up some de-escalating strategies and then asked what practical support we could benefit from.  That practical support may have been hard to find, it may have been expensive...it may have taken a week or so to find.  But the end outcome would have been supported caregivers, who had the energy left to persevere, and the hope left that they could see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Instead... the best solution is to move the child.  Now yes...right at the end things got so hard I said he had to go.  But the reality is I had spent two weeks asking for support before I got to that stage.  shouldn't the social workers number one priority have been "keep everyone safe, including Mr 7 so that there is not a third placement breakdown within 6 weeks"?

My fear is now that he has gone to the new caregivers unsupported and that in 10 days the process will start again.  I just hope that this time they see it as in the best interests of the child to be there and practically support the caregivers so that they can get through until things settle.  Because then the best interests of the child are being met.  He will have a stable, long term home where he can learn to manage his own behaviour.

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Return of Mr 7

Mr 7 shouldn't really be back... But it's not like I can let him sleep on the street. I have sent another email tonight to the social workers saying that in order to keep other children safe I am expecting them to act. Hubby goes away again tomorrow and I will have two nights to get through alone, though a friend is able to give Mr 7 some one on one time if needed Wednesday night... So really I have one night to get through alone... But that's all worst case scenario. 

His return today went okay. I had a few more tricks up my sleeve after reading a book over the weekend about emotional time out. Giving the child no attention until compliance. On the theory that they will comply as they just can't live isolated very long. (Don't take any advice from that statement... There is so much more to it than that... I will write a post about the strategy later)

And one point he hit another child. Safety plan came into action. 'bedrooms now' and all the rest of the children disappeared. He said 'I'm not going to my room'. I said, you don't have to. I then 'got busy' a strategy from the book. I folded laundry, tidyed up his room. All the while the other children stayed very quiet and out of the way. It was less than five minutes til he took himself to his room and got out a game. I said. 'You play here quietly okay, let me know when you are ready to rejoin the family safely and be kind'. I walked away and let the other children out of their rooms. Success. He came out about 15 minutes later asking to be a safe part of the family. 

I asked him to put a shirt on to come to the shops with me. He refused.  I told all the other children to hop in the car, and we left. Without him. When I got home he still didn't have a shirt on. So I handed him one and said 'now' he said 'oh my god what the he'll' but he did it and it was over. 

Later this evening I asked him to go and have a shower. He very very quickly started showing signs of aggression. I whispered to the other two children I. The room to completely ignore him until he did as he was told. He said 'I'm not going to my room'. They did, and about 30 minutes later he got in the shower when he got out he was given lots of positive attention. The other children played with him for about an hour with no incident. 

I don't call it a miricle, I don't know that the strategies will work if he figures out our game plan. But... We got through today with no one being hurt. 

Loving a long weekend

Over the weekend we have had a very shy Miss 15, our forever Miss 13, and siblings Mr 12 & Miss 8. Mr 7 has been on a little holiday and will be back in the morning. They haven't found a new placement for him. But hopefully the break will get us through the next few days. 

The weekend has been calm by comparison to the last few days. Yesterday we did the housework, went to  the library and then went swimming. The first outdoor swim of the season. The kids played happily and got along well. After dinner we played a game and although it was quite a late night for all, they managed well today. 

We had to do more housework this morning (there is less to do per person... But with this many in house it has to be done Marie often!) followed by a short shopping expedition where no children wanted to spend their pocket money... But I got sucked into some clearance items (rubbish buns and washing baskets!). We had a cruisey afternoon in the sun. We played giant naughts and crosses and ladder golf (google it... It's a good one). Followed by a bit of chill time (some reading, some drawing and one doing some maths practice). After dinner we played a board game ... A game that by the rules anyone could win... But with three players using English as a second language it wasn't quite so easy. We had to cheat (a lot) just to get the kids off the starting square! 

Miss 15, Miss 13 and I all like horror movies - so we topped the night off with one a little more gruesome than I anticipated. 

The return of Mr 7 tomorrow does fill me with some anxiety, but thankfully hubby is around for the next 24 hours! Hopefully after a day of school on Tuesday they will have found a new placement for him. Otherwise... Anyone wanna come stay for a few days? I don't mind sharing a room with Miss 13 so you can have my room? Someone who can give a 7 year old loads of attention so he doesn't have to demand it? Or take away the others when I need to calm him?