Missed experiences

When you haven't had the opportunity to be a child, you find that opportunity when you can.  If you look at 'some' of the kids that play up in schools...why - because at home they have to take it all so seriously.

When you look at kids in foster care, a lot of not had the experiences you or I had as a child that make us positive and contributing members of society.

We learn to trust when our parents play peek-a-boo and they come back agin.  We learn to trust when dad chucks us up in the air and catches us.  We learn to trust when there is a stormy night outside and they crawl into their parents bed and hide under the covers.

But you don't learn to trust if you don't have positive interactions with people you know you can depend upon.  You don't learn safe risk, if you don't have people to trust.

Even at 13, if a child missed out on experiences as a child, they will want childhood reassurances.

It's not uncommon for Miss 13 to play games with Mr 31 that involve them chasing each other around the couch.

It's not uncommon for Miss 13 to ask...if I do xxx, what will happen.  If I run away, will you chase me.

It's not uncommon to wake up and find Miss 13 has crawled under the covers of my bed.  "What are you doing here?" I asked this morning.  "You can't stop me" she responded.  Well...she is a 13 year old after all, she can't admit the absence of Mr 31 in the house had her so anxious she didn't sit still all evening.


And one last reminder...if you haven't clicked one of the 'badges' to Top Mommy Blogs today...click here: http://www.topmommyblogs.com/ to vote. Thank you.

Scaly Friends

Within a week of arriving Miss 13 was asking us if she could have a goldfish.

The answer has always been "not yet" there were a number of reasons.

1) We can't get you a pet, then expect someone else to care for it.  We don't have permanency in the future yet.
2) you can't even get your bedroom tidy without being reminded, how can we let another life depend on you!

Well she begged. Constantly. For a year.  Mr 31 finally caved.  Okay, you can have fish he said one day.

So the learning experience began.  I wonder why we didn't do it sooner?!

She has learnt so far:
1) Perseverance.  Ask enough and you will eventually get.
2) Budgetting.  She has had to compare prices and make decisions based on need vs want.
3) She has had to learn how to work to get what she wants.  She has taken out a $600 loan (okay yeah... a goldfish turned into two tropical tanks) which she pays back at $5 per meal cooked.  May chuck in the odd car clean too.
4) She has had to learn what ammonia is, how to measure it, and understand it's effects.
5) She has learnt about the PH scale, she has measured a range of levels, and had to add chemicals to lower or raise it according to results.  She has had to learn about acidic and alkaline levels.
6) She has had to learn what nitrate and nitrite are. She is going to be one step ahead of her peers at school.

It hasn't been easy. There are definite arguments when we remind we to feed/test the water/clean up after herself. Something she promised us would not be a problem. 

I have threatened to flush them all down the toilet ( I know, should never threaten something that can't be followed through on); to take them back to the pet shop; to give them away on face book (she would still have to pay them off; but so far... We haven't lost a fish. 

Well... That's not quite true. We had to take two back as one attached the other. We weren't keeping the bully (we aren't friends with bullies- yes we followed through on that life sentiment... Pet shop manager didn't quite know how to take that one.). The one that was attacked lost his tail- so he has had to go into long terms vet care. The pet shop bought him back as they sold us the bully with him. 

My confidence levels he made it through the vet are low.

Once a mum always a mum.

I wrote a couple of months back about biological mums. There is always that overwhelming desire to bad mouth them. To talk about the things they did to make themselves an unfit parent. 

It takes effort to change thinking on that. It takes work to make sure the words that come out of your mouth, not only when the child is around, are positive. 

After all, if it wasn't for her biological mum and the decisions she made - we wouldn't have Miss 13. But we do, and we love her. With her comes her mum. 

So I have been making more of an effort to be kind with my words and actions. Bio-mum has visitation this weekend. Likely to be the last one before our place in her family becomes permanent. 

Yes, I'm still incredibly nervous about the behaviours Miss 13 will display next week. But I am accepting the good with the bad. 

In fact, bio-mum is pretty hard up for money... And (partly because I want to make sure Miss 13 is fed... It's not always a given) we are having her for dinner before their first sleepover together in more than two years. 

Once we have eaten I will drop them at the local campsite where they will sleep and pick Miss 13 up 24 hours later. She will come home. She'll be grumpy. she'll be sad. But she will be richer for the reminders of her mothers love, and the security of her future with us. A future her mother openly encourages. For that I will be greatful. 

A next step

Hi,
I've had lots of positive feedback about my blog, and I think so far I've managed to keep it unidentifiable. So I have decided to share it with the world (not not anyone that may be able to identify me...)  If you see any identifying bits - please let me know ASAP.

Also... to keep me on these two websites I have put my blog on, I need you to vote daily.  It's a little hard if you are using a mobile device as I have to add hyperlinks in - but if you are on a desk top it's nice and easy. You just click on two buttons. One that says "Picket Fence" one that says "Top Mommy Blogs"  The Mommy Blogs one is a little more elite and harder to stay on - so if you have to pick one...pick that one.  It's the second one.

Please click Here and Here.  Thank you :)

You can do the same every single day! But I haven't worked out how to add these hyperlinks as an always thing for people who view on a mobile device...which is most of you...

Cheers Ears.

Suck it up princess

Miss 13 always complains that life is not fair. I always tell her 'suck it up princess, life is not fair' usually over something like not being able to choose the movie, or have the extra bit of chocolate, or tidy her room. 

Then tonight I said in my head several times 'it's not fair'. No it wasn't about the injustice in the world, the challenges some children are put through. So who am I to tell her to 'suck it up princess' because when I can't have what I want that's the first thing that came to mind. 

What is not fair... That I even had to go through all the pros and cons for 12 hours before realising there was no way for my wish to come true. 

What is not fair? That I have a job when thousands don't, and I get upset because the job I see advertised that I know immediately I will be perfect for isn't a viable option. (Mum, if you Are reading this... Don't even ask... You wouldn't have approved anyway lol!)

It's not fair that in order to have one I would have to give up the other. In order to have the job I want I would need to pay at least $300 less per week in rent. That leaves me with a stingy 1 bedroom bedsit in the wop wops. I just can't give up five bedrooms. Our house is always full. Where would those friends go when death was trying to steal them and they had no way of supporting themselves. Where would the kids go who just need a roof, a blanket and something to eat.  Where the bloody hell would I go if I didn't have a home that oozed with personalities, potential and ... Well ... Headlice. 

Gonna go mope now. Hate it when a dream is so close to being within reach... You just can't grasp it. 

Get Thru.

Geographically, we are high risk.  We live on a hill, with a tunnel underneath.  Right on the ring of fire. 

The chance of experiencing a major earthquake in my life time is higher than I’d care to admit.  however, a reality that has to be acknowledged when you have children to care for.  Especially other people’s children.  

When there was just me, I was certain there was always enough in the house to feed me for three days.  Although my water supplies weren’t fully stocked…I always had a few litres of soft drink in the bottom of the cupboard and a first aid kit in my car.

Then along come my Cat, i thought things through.  Put some canned cat food on the top shelf of the pantry. 

Then along came the husband.  I added a getaway kit.  Emergency blankets, slightly bigger first aid kit, tent, sleeping bags.  What I could get in the back of the car.  

When embarking on the fostering journey, they asked us if our emergency supplies were big enough to take a child with us if we had to run.  Well… yeah.  Actually, we have everything in the shed. All ready to go. We should work out some food and water through.

Miss 13 has asked when ‘she’ can foster some kids. When can ‘we’ have more kids come and stay.  I told her we can’t just hunt out abused children and offer them a home, we need to wait. There will always be kids who need us, they just don’t need us right now. 

In the same day she asked me where I was when a particular natural disaster happened (it was 1800 years ago) but it got us thinking.  

So today we went out and made a fair dent in our planning. We have enough food for 5 people for 3 days.  We have the supplies to build our own toilet, and rubbish disposal.  We have enough water for one day, but still have a  little more collecting to do (it’s not cheap to be prepared).  We have it all stored in the same corner of the garage, but no doubt the husband will relocate it so it’s a little tidier and easier to access.  

We still have a little planning to do.  We need to photocopy passports and insurance policies.  Haven’t yet got matches, or a change of clothes (how do we pack clothes for kids we don’t yet have…) We still have a few little plans to make to ensure our surivial kit is specific to our needs.  

Have you updated your emergency supplies lately? Made sure eery member of your family is accounted for? Even those who are furry, or aren’t there yet?

Why I embarrassed my child in public.

Miss 13 and her friend sought permission to catch the bus to the local shops, issue some DVDs then catch the bus home. 

I gave her boundaries. Have your phone on the whole time, be home by 5.30, make sure you have enough coinage together before you leave. 

It was a little after four. They were on a tight schedule. They mucked around on the way to the bus stop. I knew this as when my husband drove past the bus stop at about 4.55 the girls were still there. 

At this point I decided to call and remind of the 5.30 deadline that was looming. Straight to answer phone. Without a word of a lie... My heart rate increased so dramatically that I had to focus on my breathing to calm down.  Did I think she was in danger? Not really? Was I angry her phone was off? A little bit. So what was it that had me so would up that when I tried again 5 minutes later (benefit of the doubt... Signal could have dropped out) and it still went to answer phone I promptly got in the car and drove around for 45 minutes. Trying her phone every five minutes. Pulling into the dvd store, the cornerstone, the dollar store asking if girls fitting their description had walked in? Pulling over the car when I eventually found them and yelling for them to 'get in the car, you two have a hell of a lot to explain. It's 6pm, did you really think you could reverse time and be home by 5.30?'

So why did I get the increased heart rate? So why did I embarrass the hell of them? Why did I consciously make the decision to let complete strangers think I was a psychotic parent who couldn't deal with their kid being 40 min late. I will tell you why. 

I was putting up boundaries and repairing a breach in those boundaries. In a traditional family children have had years of learning what is safe from what is not safe. They have had years of safely breaking boundaries and having appropriate consequences. 

Children in foster care have often (but not always) failed to be taught the difference between safe mistakes and dangerous mistakes. 

Would the girls have got home safely the other night... Yes, they would have. They were at a well lit and busy bus stop, and I would be able to see them walk home from the bus stop at the end of our street. We live in a safe neighbourhood, and if the curfew had been 6.30, all would have been well. 

We have worked hard at setting and enforcing boundaries, distinguishing right from wrong. But we are only 16 months into that journey. I could have let the situation pass but at what cost? 

The cost of her setting her own rules and sinking back into her previous ways of staying out all night? Or for days on end? Taking shelter somewhere when it became too late to be bothered findin g a way home?

What we need to teach is boundaries and TRUST. I needed that night to show Miss 13 that she could trust me. Trust me to follow through on my word, trust me to care enough to embarrass myself (though she believes she was more embarrassed) in public, and that she can trust me to come and get her, no matter how angry I am. And most of all, to trust that if I don't think she is safe, I will do anything within my reach to find her and make her safe. 

When we got home her friend was sent to Miss 13s bedroom while Miss 13 was sent to mine. Each girl was asked to give the story of what had happened. Turns out they were fairly genuine in their mistake. The phone went flat from taking photos. They had no other source of time. They didn't think far enough ahead to figure out getting home when they realised they didn't know the time. 

As they got to the bus stop, they had asked the time for the next bus, and realised they were late. 

Miss 13 asked for her consequence. I told her there wasn't one. She asked me to punish her, I wouldn't. I reminded her that I don't give consequences for mistakes, we make sure she is helped to not make the same mistake again. 

We talked as a group about how to make a future trip safe and agreed on:

Having a back up time 

Calling from a shop if she was late. 

Choosing the bus there and the bus home before leaving. 

So that's why I embarrassed the hell out of my child at the bus stop. It's a learning process. My comments were calculated and well thought out. We are teaching boundaries, and trust. 

There was no love lost. The annoyance at me for shaming her was gone within the hour. But the lesson will hopefully stick throughout at least her teenage years. 

Mixed feelings

There is something unsettling in your stomach when you hand a child over to their new home.

It certainly is the hardest part about foster care.  There was the opportunity for Miss 8 to stay in our lives forever, but I believed it was in her best interests to not be with her siblings and I couldn't be the one responsible for the ongoing memories of abuse, and little jibes.

So the decision was made that she would indeed be placed with her brother.  I'm not happy about it, I don't agree with it, and it makes me fairly angry.  However, I do believe the home she has gone to is perfect for her.  For that reason there is some 'okay' in my stomach too.

Today she moved into a home with people she already knows and loves, who already know her strengths and weaknesses, who have had her live with them before.  Who will bring her up in the way she needs, with the love and security that she needs.

I'll have to give them a chance. I seriously hope I can look back and say I was wrong.  Say that her being with her brother is in her best interests.  But I don't know if it will come to that.  I just hope in my heart that her new forever family is perfect, including some miraculous changes in the way she and her brother interact.

All the best sweet child...Oh the places you'll go.

To say or not to say

Share o

This is copied from

Scienceblogs.com. I'm going to aim to share someone else's thoughts on fostering every couple of weeks ( or more or less... Depending on how busy I am)

This essay is a little different than most of my stuff. It is the result of a collaborative discussion on a foster parenting list I’m a part of by a group of foster parents.  I’ve paraphrased and borrowed and added some things of my own, but this is truly collaborative piece, and meant to be shared.  I do NOT have to get credit for it.  So if you’d like to circulate it, use it in a training, distribute it at foster-awareness day, hang it on the wall, run it somewhere else, give it out to prospective foster parents, whatever, go right ahead.  This is a freebie to all! I care much more than people know this than that I get credit – and most of the credit goes to a lot of other wonderful people who want to remain anonymous, most of them wiser and more experienced than I.

1. We’re not Freakin’ Saints.  We are doing this because it needs doing, we love kids, this is our thing.  Some of us hope to expand our families this way, some of us do it for the pleasure of having laughing young voices around, some of us are pushed into it by the children of family or friends needing care, some of us grew up around formal or informal fostering – but all of us are doing it for our own reasons BECAUSE WE LOVE IT and/or LOVE THE KIDS and WE ARE THE LUCKY ONES – we get to have these great kids in our lives.

We hate being told we must be saints or angels, because we’re doing something really ordinary and normal – that is, taking care of kids in need.  If some children showed up dirty and hungry and needing a safe place on your doorstep, you’d care for them too – we just signed up to be the doorstep they arrive at.   The idea of sainthood makes it impossible for ordinary people to do this – and the truth is the world needs more ordinary, human foster parents.   This also stinks because if we’re saints and angels, we can’t ever be jerks or human or need help, and that’s bad, because sometimes this is hard.

2. WATCH WHAT YOU SAY AROUND THE KIDS!!!!!! I can’t emphasize this enough, and everyone is continually stunned by the things people will ask in the hearing of children, from “Oh, is their Mom an addict?” or “Well, they aren’t your REAL kids are they” or “Are you going to adopt them?” or whatever.  Not only is that stuff private, but it is HORRIBLE for the kids to hear people speculating about their families whom they love, or their future.    Didn’t anyone ever explain to you that you never say anything bad about anyone’s mother (or father) EVER?  Don’t assume you know what’s going on, and don’t ask personal questions – we can’t tell you anyway.

3. Don’t act surprised that they are nice, smart, loving, well-behaved kids. One of the corollaries of #1 is that there tends to be an implied assumption that foster kids are flawed – we must be saints because NO ONE ELSE would take these damaged, horrible kids.  Well, kids in foster care have endured a lot of trauma, and sometimes that does come with behavioral challenges, but many of the brightest, nicest, best behaved, kindest and most loving children I’ve ever met are foster kids.  They aren’t second best kids, they aren’t homicidal maniacs, and because while they are here they are MINE, they are the BEST KIDS IN THE WORLD, and yes, it does tick me off when you act surprised they are smart, sweet and loving.

4. Don’t hate on their parents.  Especially don’t do it in front of the kids, but you aren’t on my side when you are talking trash either.

Nobody chooses to be born mentally ill.  No one gets addicted to drugs on purpose.  Nobody chooses to be born developmentally delayed, to never have lived in a stable family so you don’t know how to replicate it. Abusive and neglectful parents often love their kids and do the best they can, and a lot of them CAN do better if they get help and support, which is what part of this is about.  Even if they can’t, it doesn’t make things better for you to rush to judgement.

It is much easier to think of birth parents as monsters, because then YOU could never be like THEM, but truly, birth parents are just people with big problems.   Birth and Foster parents often work really hard to have positive relationships with each other, so it doesn’t help me to have you speculating about them.

5. The kids aren’t grateful to us, and it is nuts to expect them to be, or to feel lucky that they are with us.  They were taken from everything they knew and had to give up parents, siblings, pets, extended family, neighborhood, toys, everything that was normal to them.  No one asked them whether they wanted to come into care.

YOU have complex feelings and ambivalence about a lot of things, even if it seems like those things are good for you or for the best.  Don’t assume our kids don’t have those feelings, or that moving into our home is happily-ever-after for them.  Don’t tell them how lucky they are or how they should feel.

By the way, there is no point comparing my home to the one they grew up in.  Both homes most likely have things the children like and dislike about them.    The truth is if every kid only got the best home, Angelina and Brad would have all the children, and the rest of us would have none.

6. No, we’re not making any money on it.  We don’t get paid – we get a portion of the child’s expenses reimbursed, and that money is only for the child and does NOT cover everything.   I get about 56 cents an hour reimbursed, and  I get annoyed when you imply I’m too stupid to realized I’d make tons more money flipping burgers.

Saying this in front of the kids also REALLY hurts them – all of a sudden, kids who are being loved and learning to trust worry that you are only doing this because of their pittance.  So just shut up about the money already, and about the friend of a friend you know who kept the kids in cages and did it just for the money and made millions.

7. When you say “I could never do that” as if we’re heartless or insensitive, because we can/have to give the kids back to their parents or to extended family, it stings.

Letting kids go IS really hard, but someone has to do it.  Not all kids in care come from irredeemable families.  Not everyone in a birth family is bad – in fact, many kin and parents are heroic, making unimaginable sacrifices to get their families back together through impossible odds.  Yes, it is hard to let kids we love go, and yes, we love them, and yes, it hurts like hell, but the reality is that because something is hard doesn’t make it bad, and you aren’t heartless if you can endure pain for the greater good of your children.  You are just a regular old parent when you put your children’s interests ahead of your own.

8.  No, they aren’t ours yet.  And they won’t be on Thursday either, or next Friday, or the week after.  Foster care adoption TAKES A LONG TIME.  For the first year MINIMUM the goal is always for kids to return to their parents.  It can take even longer than that. Even if we hope to adopt, things could change, and it is just like any long journey – it isn’t helpful to ask “Are we there yet” every five minutes.

9. Most kids will go home or to family, rather than being adopted.    Most foster cases don’t go to adoption.  Not every foster parent wants to adopt.  And not every foster family that wants to adopt will be adopting/wants to adopt every kid.

It is NOT appropriate for you to raise the possibility of adoption just because you know they are a foster family.  It is ESPECIALLY not appropriate for you to raise this issue in front of the kids.  The kids may be going to home or to kin.  It may not be an adoptive match.  The family may not be able to adopt now.  They may be foster-only.  Not all older children want or choose to be adopted, and after a certain age, they are allowed to decide.  Family building is private and none of everyone’s business.  They’ll let you know when you  need to know something.

10. If we’re struggling – and all of us struggle sometimes – it isn’t helpful to say we should just “give them back” or remind us we brought it on ourselves.  ALL parents pretty much brought their situation on themselves whether they give birth or foster, but once you are a parent, you deal with what you’ve got no matter what. “I told you so” is never helpful.  This is especially true when the kids have disabilities or when they go home.  Yes, we knew that could happen.  That doesn’t make it any easier.

11.  Foster kids are not “fake kids,” and we’re not babysitters – they are all my “REAL kids.”  Some of them may stay forever.  Some of them may go and come back.  Some of them may leave and we’ll never see them again.  But that’s life, isn’t it?  Sometimes people in YOUR life go away, too, and they don’t stop being an important part of your life or being loved and missed.  How they come into my family or for how long is not the point.  While they are here they are my children’s REAL brothers and sisters, my REAL sons and daughters.  We love them entirely, treat them the way we do all our kids, and never, ever forget them when they leave.   Don’t pretend the kids were never here.  Let foster parents talk about the kids they miss.  Don’t assume that kids are interchangeable – one baby is not the same as the next, and just because there will be more kids later doesn’t make it any easier now.

12. Fostering is HARD.  Take how hard you think it will be and multiply it by 10, and you are beginning to get the idea. Exhausting, gutwrenching and stressful as heck.  That said, it is also GREAT, and mostly utterly worth it.  It is like Tom Hanks’ character in _League of Their Own_ says about baseball: “It is supposed to be hard.  If it wasn’t hard everyone would do it.  The hard is what makes it great.”

13.  You don’t have to be a foster parent to HELP support kids and families in crisis.  If you want to foster, GREAT – the world needs more foster families.  But we also need OTHER kinds of help.

 

You can:

– . Treat foster parents with a new placement the way you would a family that had a baby – it is JUST as exhausting and stressful.  If you can offer to cook dinner, help out with the other kids, or lend a hand in some way, it would be most welcome.

– . Offer up your children’s outgrown stuff to pass on– foster parents who do short-term fostering send a lot of stuff home with the kids, and often could use more.  Alternatively, many communities have a foster care closet or donation center that would be grateful for your pass-downs in good condition.

– . Be an honorary grandparent, aunt or uncle.  Kids need as many people in their lives as possible, and relationships that say “you are special.”

– . Become a respite provider, taking foster children for a week or a weekend so their parents can go away or take a break.

– . Offer to babysit.  Foster parents have lives, plus they have to go to meetings and trainings, and could definitely use the help.

– . Be a big brother, sister or mentor to older foster kids.  Preteens and Teens need help imagining a future for themselves – be that help.

– . Be an extra pair of hands when foster families go somewhere challenging – offer to come along to the amusement park, to church, to the playground.  A big family or one with special needs may really appreciate just an extra adult or a mother’s helper along.

– . Support local anti-poverty programs with your time and money.  These are the resources that will hopefully keep my kids fed and safe in their communities when they go home.

– . If you’ve got extra, someone else can probably use it.   Lots of foster families don’t have a lot of spare money for activities – offering your old hockey equipment or the use of your swim membership  is a wonderful gift.

– . Make programs for kids friendly to kids with disabilities and challenges.  You may not have thought about how hard it is to bring a disabled or behaviorally challenged kid to Sunday school, the pool, the local kids movie night – but think about it now, and encourage inclusion.

– . Teach your children from the beginning to be welcoming, inclusive, kind and non-judgemental,  Teach them the value of having friends from different neighborhoods, communities, cultures, races and levels of ability.  Make it clear that bullying, unkindness and exclusion are NEVER EVER ok.

– . Welcome foster parents and their family into your community warmly, and ASK them what they need, and what you can do.

13. Reach out to families in your community that are struggling – maybe you can help so that the children don’t ever have to come into foster care, or to make it easier if they do.  Some families really need a ride, a sitter, some emotional support, some connection to local resources.  Lack of community ties is a HUGE risk factor for children coming into care, so make the attempt.

School Holidays.

During term time, one set of kids go home at 3.30.  Then you get a new set of kids for a few hours. Then it's bed time.  During holiday time, the same kids from first thing in the morning, til last thing at night.

Now there are pros and cons to this adventure that comes four times a year.

Cons:
The biggest con is it is expensive.
Yes, I know you don't need to spend money to entertain kids.  But really, when it's winter holidays, there is snow on the tips of the hills (read...it's cold, but no snow to have fun with), it rains almost constantly and you don't allow TV between 9 and 5 (it goes off again about 6 for dinner).

I could change the TV rule.  It hurts me more than them.  But I refuse to let their imaginations be stunted by the 2 dimensional world.

There are arguments.
One is 13, one is 8.  They don't like the same things.  The 8 year old wants to constantly be entertained, the 13 year old wants to do 'nothing'.  They are sisters.  They are also sisters who up until  two years ago and never been expected to speak nicely to each other.  They get on each others nerves.  Which means.

Its loud.
Holidays used to be a sanctuary.  One in which I could sit home alone all day in complete silence and stare out over the hills and all of a sudden it was sunset.  I don't dislike the happy noises.  I dislike "I'm bored" "She said..." "I want..."

Pros:
Quality time.
There is time to do things with the girls and find out just what makes them tick.  Let them race go-karts, hit a golf club, pat a sheep, see how high they can get on a swing.  It's in these moments that they open up and attachments are made.  How many times can you hear 'that's the best thing i've ever done' before you wonder if they even remember yesterdays adventure.

Learning.
There is something about being available, that allows kids to ask questions.  So how does a volcano erupt? How do fighter fish mate? Will you still love me if I accidentally kill someone?

Relief.
When kids use their imaginations to make up new worlds, their energy to choreograph new dances and their love to look after each other so that I can sleep in.  That feels good.


Thanks Husband for taking the day off work and giving me a few moments to get my breath back.