I'm so annoyed!

On Monday of this week, Miss 12's social worker returned from holiday.  Now may I point out while her social worker has been on holiday she has been excellently behaved! The social worker filling in wasn't her 'mate' but her social worker.  Now original social worker is back - cue the tantrums and sulks! Seriously - how does one social worker have such an impact!

Aside from that, aside from the fact Miss 12 was just getting used to the fact she wouldn't be returning to her family - Miss Social Worker filled her in that all hope was not lost yet - she may still get to live with her mum (who she was taken off three years ago...she has been with her aunty since).  Now mum isn't an overly desirable option.  Give her a chance sure...but give her the chance to prove she can meet the requirements before getting Miss 12's hopes up.

Now that Miss 12's hopes are up...she has lost the idea of getting comfortable with the impending life changes.  Gone back to some of the behaviours we were seeing at the start, that we've worked through and helped her develop strategies to get around those behaviours.

Next thing, Miss Social Worker asks for my opinion on whether or not Miss 12 should be allowed to attend the meeting with her family about the future.  No way!  She is very emotionally involved in every decision, and suffers considerably after any of these conversations. To put her in on one of these conversations - would be detrimental not only to her behavior - but her sense of belonging and wellbeing!

My opinion wasn't that important though. Today we hear - "I've decided to let her go to the meeting, I will pick her up from school".  Awesome. Just bloody awesome.  You'll sit there with her through the meeting.  Then hang out with her for a bit afterward and talk about how you are doing the best for her, buy her a take out lunch, give her a hot chocolate - and then give her back to us to deal with the consequences later.

The social worker causing us these concerns is leaving in two weeks.  But unfortunately most of the big decisions are going to be made within the next two weeks.  I really don't trust her social workers judgement...I hope there are others advising her today.

She has come such a long way.

I noticed a few things this weekend.

First: Miss 12 got excited about doing the housework.  In fact..she drove it.  Made sure we all know what we were doing and how we had to do it.  Slipped in a job for herself that she'd never done before so that I could show her how (pulling the weeds from the front garden...okay, it ain't quite a housework chore...but close enough).  Even went out of her way to sabotage my zone so that her zone looked better.  Competitive much?

Second: It's been well over a week since a major meltdown. Now obviously I'm not deluded into thinking it will never happen again. It's just an absolute achievement to last so long.

Third: I was talking to her teacher, who explained that Miss 12 has changed her friend group.  Like completely.  No more clinging to the naughty/cool kids.  And now hanging out with the good/cool kids.  What an achievement!

Forth: She wants to learn.  Mentioned by her teacher, but also noticed by me.  She is asking us to explain things to her that she doesn't understand.  Sometimes anyway! Sometimes she still argues her point.

Fifth:  Something she pointed out.  Yesterday she asked me; "do you think I've changed? Do you think I have been thinking more carefully about the way I talk about other people?"  yes...yes I do!  It's been ages since we've had to ask you to reconsider the way you might put a statement!

There is always a next step...but lets take today to notice the progress.

Notice the funny bits too.

We are renovating the bathroom.  One wall got ripped out yesterday.  This morning she says to me: I really don't like the new wall.  Me: Neither, I think it will take some getting used to  (at this point I was still joking and thought she was joking).  Her: Do you think maybe you should tell Mr.Other? How could you say it nicely without upsetting him? Me: Hmm, I think I'll just tell him that I don't think I like it and could we try a different new wall.  Her: But how will he put it up there, he's already taken the wall out.  Me: I guess we'll have to wait and see!

Didn't tell her that ripping the plasterboard off is just the first step - will let her learn that over the next fortnight!

Poor little sausage

When we picked Miss 12 up from the 'office' last night, she was inconsolable.  Bawling her eyes out.  The 'new social worker' whose name we don't even know yet - that's how well informed we are.  Told her that she would never be returning to her family.

I'm super confused about this. 1. because the decision wasn't supposed to be made until November. 2. Since when did she have a new social worker.  3. Why the bloody hell didn't they give us a heads up.

She is vulnerable enough without having to get in the car and say "I don't know where I'll live". clearly no options had been suggested to her by new social worker.  Poor girl thought she was going to have to find a new home on her own! Fairly certain that if you tell a 12 year old she will never be allowed to live with her family again - she should also be told that she will be looked after and a safe and loving home will be found for her!

Obviously we want to jump in and say - don't worry -you can stay with us forever if you need to.  But it ain't that simple!  We aren't authorized home for life caregivers (yet...we could be) for one.  Secondly - as much as we love her and want to provide for her we are stuck with a pretty big problem.  A house.

We live in a little two bedroom flat at the moment, that is barely big enough for the two of us, let alone a nearly teenager.  Not to mention wanting our own kids in a year or so.

If we had her room empty - we'd be able to have kids whether or not we could afford a bigger house.
If we had a bigger house - we'd have room to move and it wouldn't be a difficult decision at all.
If we had an extra 50k - yeah rediculous - banks are asking for 20% deposit these days (only have about 10k equity in current house - maybe a tad more depending what it sells for).  We'd be able to buy a bigger house.

It sounds selfish to think - well, what if we can't keep her cos we won't be able to fit her in when babies come along.  She is our baby anyway! It was only the day before that my other half said "I actually couldn't imagine not having Miss 12 here with us now" With a smile on his face as she pushed some funny little argument she was determined to win.

The question hasn't even been raised with us by the agency.  The agency probably hasn't even thought about what next steps.  I know one thing for sure - we have put a hell of a lot of work in to helping this young girl find her place in the world - if that gets ruined because an organisation can't be organised - then I will be wild.

Basically - if we won lotto tomorrow there wouldn't be a question in my mind.  Hell, I would only need Keno probably - 50k would do it.  50k would give us the house we need to give her a home for life.  Or do we need to look at sacrifices.  What can we sacrifice in order to give her the home she considers second best (hey, we'd never want first...she should want to be with her biological family).

In the meantime we need to focus on keeping her sane, letting her know she is never going to be homeless, knowing that we aren't going to take her back, drop her on the doorstep of said agency - and say - time for the next people on your list to take a turn.  How do you reassure her everything is going to be okay - when actually - they aren't okay. No 12 year old should have to go through the worry of where she'll live.

15 minutes...worth a watch

http://www.ted.com/talks/lemn_sissay_a_child_of_the_state

A hard decision.

Usually Thursdays are a bit tough - but that starts about half way home.  Today, when we picked her up - she already wasn't talking.

When we got home she asked us to sit down in the lounge so she could talk to us about something.  She then said "I have a difficult decision to make. I have to decide whether I want to see my dad."

Woah.  Tough call for a little miss!  She has never had anything positive to say about her dad - but why would she - her mother has formed her opinion.  I've heard her mother do it.

As we said to her - we can't make that decision for you...but we can listen to you as you talk through the reasons why you should or should not.  She couldn't actually give us any reasons either way.  She doesn't know. She doesn't know where to even start thinking.

Trying not to lead her I asked some questions.  She couldn't even really answer them.

I think she should meet her dad.  She was very little when she last saw him.  Yes, he is gang associated. Yes, he is not good for her.  But she should make the decision on what he is like for herself - even if that is a painful experience. Otherwise she'll always wonder.

I think that she doesn't want to meet him - but feels she should to support her littler siblings.  

How do I help her make a decision - without putting my influence on it? I guess that's something I'll have to figure out!  

It can be a battle to stay positive.

Miss 12 is, most of the time, a pleasure.  But, some of the time, very hard to stay patient with.  The last couple of mornings she has been up and ready for school before I'm even out of bed.  Good on her, positive way to start the day.

Yet both the last two days, on the way to school she has found something to get in a grump about.  Really silly things both times and flicked into silent treatment.  Not that that's such a bad thing - I like quiet mornings!  But really frustrating as I just want to shake her and say "that's not how you solve your problems".  Of course I don't, I keep calm and ignore.  The internet was right - ignoring her is the best way to make the behavior go away.  I just wish it wouldn't happen in the first place.

She is trying really hard to be good.  Has asked several times over the last couple of weeks "Am I being good?" So I know she is making an effort and becoming much more aware of her behaviour.  That in itself is huge and I should be grateful.  I'd just be so much more grateful if she didn't sulk when she didn't get her own way.

She did something 'wrong' last week. Minor if you ask me, I don't think accidents should be punished.  She owned up to it the next day (before we'd even noticed) and later said... I was scared to tell you - I thought you'd hit me.  What?!  We have never raised a hand, or even threatened to raise a hand!?! Memories of the past probably - yet she swears black and blue she was never hit.

Figured out yesterday that she has been sneaking in visits with her family before school.  I doubt the agency have even picked up on this - they only see what they want to see.  Her social worker is away at the moment, so no point in us bringing it up until she is back.  I always wondered how long she'd take to figure out her family lived across the road from school and there was no way to stop her! I don't think she had deliberately gone out of her way to see them... but maybe they have gone out of their way to be at their letterbox and around the time the bus comes!

Today is Thursday.  Usual access with her family day - so anticipate a little moodiness! At least we know to prepare for Thursdays now!

Can you teach it?

In my line of work I teach people to do stuff. It’s pretty easy. It’s hard to get them to want to learn sometimes, but the actual teaching part is easy (once you’ve done it for a few years anyway). But it isn’t so easy when you have to teach something you instinctively know. When you have to try and explain something you’ve never had to understand. Empathy and responsibility for ones own actions. Understanding how the choices you make, impact upon others. It’s so easy to say “that’s not how you talk to someone” or “who did that effect?” but to know what those things mean, you actually need to have an understanding of emotion. You need to know about cause and effect. You need to know that the way things are said aren’t necessarily how they are heard. Little Miss is a bully. She knows it. Her teachers know it. But she doesn’t really know what bully means. She’s been called a bully – but doesn’t actually know what it is she does that causes her to be a bully. She has a disagreement with a girl at school – so calls her a fat bitch and slaps her. What’s wrong with that? She asks. “it hurts her” I respond. “no it doesn’t…I didn’t hit her hard” she exclaims. How do you explain to a child who has never been taught right from wrong – the power of her actions? We don’t know either?! But we are getting closer to finding out. Through trial and error mainly. But what we have learnt is we can’t use the situation she is currently in to show how people are affected. What does work is using our own situations, and modelling out loud our thoughts. So when we have a bad day – we have to say out loud. “George told me I didn’t get my work in on time, this made me feel really stupid. I suppose he only told me because it meant he then couldn’t get on with his own work” Or “Today I told Gemma to shut up. I shouldn’t have said it, she was just trying to be energetic. What other ways do you think I could have asked her to be quiet without making her feel stink?” Over time we’ve moved into. You just told me “nah”. That makes me feel sad…what other way could you have told me you don’t want to do your homework. That’s not as easy as it sounds – ‘sad’ also has to be explained when the only emotions you can identify are anger and happiness. Now these approaches aren’t foolproof. And more often than not we don’t feel as though we are making progress. However there have been some glimpses of ‘wow it’s really working”. Recently when talking to my other half on the way home, I mentioned my disgust in a known person leaving their partner while she was in the hospital with their new born baby. The situation was slightly more complex than that. However, what’s important here is the way Miss 12 responded. “Wow, I wonder how that made his mum feel.” I felt at overwhelming sense of pride. That, was empathy! This was the first indication to me that she really was learning to think about how actions have an effect. That people are hurt or lifted by the actions we take. It was two days later when she said to me. “you know that mum…how is she doing. Do you think she needs anything.” I shed a wee tear. I never told her that. I probably should have. She should probably also know that when we show respect for the way other people feel it can make them feel really good too.

More recently, she had been contemplating a situation where a young baby was born with no sight or hearing. It’s obviously played on her mind a lot – as she asked over the weekend just gone. “If I was blind and deaf, would you still have taken me.” I got a bit hit by this question. Was she questioning my love for her…or was she questioning my tolerance of the unique needs the baby she knows of has been born with. I couldn’t answer…and although it were only a few seconds a million thoughts ran through my head. My answer was no, but I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t know why my answer was no.

Thankfully, my other half responded in the moment of silence. “at the moment, we are not equipped to look after a child with needs that would require special attention” A 12 year old child who couldn’t see or hear wouldn’t be able to find their way around your bedroom for a start! You’d have to learn about lots of different things she said. How to look after me, how to talk to me, it would have a pretty big effect on your life. She talked about the things the young family would be needing to learn and the changes they’ be making in their own lives. She had been thinking about it. She had been thinking about others feelings and the effects a situation can have on a life. So the answer is yes, yes you can teach it. Yes, you can teach empathy.