It's like a first birthday...

Today it's been one year since Miss 12, now Miss 13, came into our lives.

It started with a phonecall... around 10am... Any chance you could take some girls for tonight? We've just uplifted them and it's unlikely they'll be returning home today.

Within hours that had turned into a few days.  Within a few days that had turned into a few weeks, within a few weeks, months.  Now, as we hit one year with this young lady in our lives - we know that its her forever home. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Has it been hard. Bloody heck yeah. It's hard almost every day.  But is it perfect. yes it is.  Because she has made our lives richer, added humour, made us be a little more organised, learn our strengths and weaknesses as parents, helped us form friendships that require me to depend on other people sometimes.

It's not going to get easier either...although the last 24 hours have probably been the easiest.  Mr Man of the house pointed out this morning that she is incredibly relaxed at the moment - especially this morning, today was a day I was expecting to be hard.

I'm not naive, I know that gorse will grow between the flowers.  We are talking about a 13 year old girl here!

The hardest bit is worrying about people "judging" some of the things we let her get away with.  But what we've learned is this: Pick your battles.  Choose when the arguments are worth having. Choose the consequences you can follow through on.  First and foremost, let her be.  Because could you imagine being ripped off a desert island, taken away from your family, put in a totally different lifestyle.  It would be hard, and you'd probably understand most of the why.

This young lady, isn't really a lady at all.  She is a child. Taken from her family.  Moved from a low socio-economic area to a high one. Expected, for the first time to think about the future. Changed schools and being put it situations that force her to remember her past.

Tonight we will celebrate as a family, the amazing person she has developed into over the last twelve months. In the weekend - we will celebrate with the wider family and friends.  She is excited about celebrating the fact, and that makes me happy.

Disclosure.

It's going to be a short post.  For reasons that are obvious.  But we've finally had some disclosure of abuse.  Over hearing some of the things that her little siblings are struggling with helped her see that abuse is affecting them, and she can help them by making sure people know what they went through. She said "if I say what happened to them will it make it easier for them"

I let her know that if she told us what had happened to her it would help us understand her better too - she wasn't willing to go that next step just yet!

Family = Love. But what is love?

Miss 13 finally got to see her little brother and sister again! They came over for the afternoon with their new parents.  They had an absolutely fabulous time together - and I may have not lost an octave of hearing.

They tumbled and screamed, giggled and argued.  But they were brother and sisters - together.  It made my heart hurt a little - but also mended one of those little holes those kids have.  They have each other back.

Miss 7 (she was Miss 6 last time I blogged about her) and Mr 6 have two fabulous new parents whom they clearly adore.  Miss 13 accepted them as her parents much quicker and with much more ease than I anticipated.  She did express a little concern at hearing the words "son" and "daughter" used in reference to her baby brother and sister.  But she didn't argue the point.

So why do I question love?  Because in the eyes of these children, you show love by hurting. With words.  Miss 13 told Mr 6 the park was dumb and boring - which in turn made him resent his trip to the park.  She told Miss 7 that she had fatty arms (My harsh one word response quickly had her repeat as "your boney arms".

I didn't hear so much of it back from the little ones...and Miss 13 went and had a good cry when she was pulled up on her behaviours.  She did listen though when I told her "We don't show love by hurting people...it doesn't matter how often that has been taught to you, it's not okay. We show love by saying and doing nice things"  It made her cry even more - but she came through the other end and  showed positive love.

Time came for the little ones to leave - and it was heart wrenching to see them pulled away and buckled into a car when they so clearly didn't want to leave.  But promises were made - that now that all of the three children were with their permanent new families - that they would be reunited as a family more often.  We now need to reinforce that by following through.  Miss 13 has planned her one year living with us party for 28 March, so that her little ones can come and help celebrate (though she often tells me there is nothing to celebrate...I'll go with that!)

The lesson of love

As anticipated, telling Miss 13 about the passing of her wee friend was hard.  It wasn't as hard as I expected though.  Miss 13 had a very mature response to the whole situation. I hadn't really thought about the number of times she had been through a similar situation in her own short life already.

To me, it's not normal for a baby to lose life before he or she has really lived.  To Miss 13, this isn't the first, second or even third time.  Losing a baby has sadly been commonplace in her family.

Did she still show emotion. Yes.  Did she still ask for details about how the baby died. Yes. Could I give her those answers. No.  Did she get a bit angry that I couldn't give her those answers. Yes.  But did she take a really mature response through the situation, express sympathy for the baby's mumma - damn right she did.

And that is how this little girl has changed Miss 13s life.  Miss 13, would not have 12 months ago considered the impacts of such a devastating event on the lives of others.  Now, it's her number one concern.  She really wanted to attend the funeral of the baby - not for her own acknowledgement, but just to check the baby's mumma was doing okay.  As hard as it was, I had to say no. I had many reasons for doing so, but not the least of which is - she herself is a child, yes she needs to know that death happens.  But she doesn't need to be surrounded in grief when that is what most of her life has contained.

Thankfully she took the no in good stride, instead making a beautiful well thought out card to the mummy.  She took it down to the post shop and posted it herself.  Just reading the words in it made me cry - but made me cry with pride for Miss 13 as well as saddness for the loss of such a precious wee life.

This little girl changed Miss 13s life.  And mine.  I don't think she will ever be far from either of our hearts.  Thank you to her mumma for sharing her life with us.  You'll never know the difference it made to us.

It'll break that little heart

Over night the unimaginable happened to a colleague. I'd like to say a friend, but a friend via social media and work - as opposed to hanging out at the local coffee shop.  She lost her baby girl, of whom had been through many battles with her health in her few short months.

It's not mine to blog about.  It's not my loss to grieve. I feel somewhat bad for even writing a blog before she has announced it to her own blogging world.  However, there is a bit in me that has to express my current feelings, I can't talk to anyone at work about it.  So writing about it is my only option at the moment.  I probably won't push publish yet.  Time needs to pass.

But our Miss 13 adored this baby.  Back when miss baby came into the world, Miss 13 began to learn an emotion other than anger.  She learnt about so many other things: frustration, saddness, love and pure joy.  She has asked at least weekly about the wee cherub, and befriended her mum on facebook to ensure she gets her regular dose of photos and updates.

She talks about her at any opportunity to she gets "The most adorable baby in the world".  When she is learning about emotions, she often makes connections to the little life that has taught her so much.

Tonight I will need to go home and tell Miss 13 that her adored 'friend' has gone.  That her battle has been lost.  I will need to find ways to tell her why this sort of thing happens to such wonderful people.  I will need to comfort her, as she is likely to show me for the first time real and true grief.

Miss 13 had only meet Miss baby once.  Miss baby was sound asleep and the two didn't interact.  However, Miss 13 formed an attachment to another human being.  Probably, a safe human being in her eyes - one that wouldn't let her down.  Will she feel let down?  I don't know.

I myself find it hard to understand how such a loved, cared for and adored young life can be lost so young.  I tell myself that there must be a reason, a purpose.  It would be selfish to believe that purpose was to teach so many life lessons to Miss 13.  However, even if the only life lessons she taught were to Miss 13 (which I know without any doubt, lessons were taught to 100s) - it was a lesson worth teaching.  And a life saved.  Miss 13 and I will love that baby forever.  I hope that one day the grief I feel for Miss babys mummy will turn to joy for the experiences they had together.

She is not following the rules.

The title in this instance is in reference not to Miss 13, but to her mum. You'll find out why soon.

Over the last month Miss 13 has gone from settling fabulously into school, making good friends, having a really positive attitude toward getting homework done on time, being prepared for school and the like.  To disinterested, untalkative (about school) and well, a bit of a madam.  A little more madam than her normal "i've just turned 13" madam.

We have had a lot going on in our lives.  Meaning some pretty strange awake/asleep hours, i naively put her unsettled stage down to this.  Strictly enforcing routines, homework before play.  Going to bed on time etc  It wasn't making a heck of a lot of difference though.  Something else was going on.

She is excited I thought to myself.  My best friend and fiance are staying with us for awhile, and she has someone to show off to.  That's it I thought, it will pass.

Last night Miss 13 sent a text message to me, not its intended recipient.  All of a sudden the lightbulb went off and all fell into place.  She has found contact with her mum.  I immediately took the phone, told her why I was taking the phone.  It is a court imposed order, you are allowed no unsupervised contact or communication with her.  Its for your own safety.

She was ripped apart.  Devastated, She had finally heard from her mum, and she gets the consequence.  She misses out on something she though she was going to have. Again.  She admitted to me that she knew she wasn't supposed to be communicating with her mum.  But since her mum got in touch why wouldn't she respond.  I downloaded the phone statement, and see that there were almost 200 text messages over the previous 2 weeks.  Here everything falls into place!  No wonder we've had a challenge on our hands.

I have no idea of the content.  As much as Miss 13 accidentally sent me a message, she had not so accidentally deleted all of the communication with her mum as she was going.

It seems incredibly unfair to me that the 13 year old is the one punished in this situation.  The 13 year old has to have her phone taken off her while the phone is deleted of anything that may hold her mums contact details, while a new number is obtained for her.  It's the 13 year old that once again gets ripped away from her the tiny little bit of hope she has gathered.  It's the 13 year old who is put in a situation where she is forced to lie to protect the people who she loves so very much.  It's the 13 year old that will miss out on her next 'ok'd' visit with her family.

The 30something year old involved, will get spoken to.  Will get it added to the lengthy court documents.  But what will it change for her.  She won't have to get rid of her phone.  She won't be given a lecture about keeping unsafe secrets.  She will get to see all of the other children on the day she isn't allowed to see Miss 13.

That's right...Miss 13 gets the consequences because her mother can't stick to the boundries that have been imposed upon her to keep her child safe.

Makes me wild.

We will be her parents...it's just waiting for the legal stuff now.

What a year! To put it simply!  We've had a heck of a run. We returned from our overseas holiday, where Miss 12 turned Miss 13 - and we saw lots of new and wonderful attitudes and behaviors come about.  Of course they have been quite mixed with the usual 13 year old ones too!

On our return Miss 13 had her, now quarterly, visit with her mum.  Thank goodness they've been reduced to quarterly - her mum decided to say all sorts of things to upset her - for privacy reasons I won't put them here!

During all of this we have been approved as the guardians with full custody for Miss 13, so once it has gone through court and all official - she will finally be able to stop worrying about where she will be in the future and take away some of her doubts preventing her from settling in.  She does know this is on the cards... and as we were told to expect, but couldn't really imagine until it happened - she has began testing boundaries.  

It's hard to tell whether they are normal 13 year old boundaries - or if they are the ones that get pushed by any child when they find a new forever home.  The tantrums have been a little more physical, stomping of feet, attempts (haha it was soft close) to slam doors and under the breath comments about 'you can't tell me what to do"  It's been increasingly important to explain why those sorts of behaviors aren't acceptable, that those behaviors won't make us get rid of her, and how the consequence links to the behavior.  Also had a bit of practice at identifying for her how she is feeling, as that is very challenging when you've had a whole upbringing of only identifying anger. She has expressed gratitude to having her behaviors repeated back to her as she often isn't even aware of what she has just done.  

Her tantrums have been nicely balanced by little letters saying "I love you" and "I'm glad I will be in your family forever" "I'm glad it's all over".

But in all of these marvelous adventures. where there have been 100s of stories to tell...that's about all I can sum it in to.  Main reason being that Miss 13 doesn't give me 5 minutes alone to update my blog! Now that holidays are over and I am back at work and she is back at school - I should have more time! Yes...I hear what I just said!