Who would think one little course could make such a difference.

Last Saturday (just over a week ago) I went on a course for foster parents.  It was talking about the types of kids that are often in childcare, the way they form attachments with adults and ways to help build resilience in them.  At one point in became glaringly obvious why we had so many tantrums when it came to doing chores.

The cold hard reality was - no one had ever taken the time to show her how to do anything!  We had an opportunity to discuss this with some much more experienced foster parents... longer than I've been alive kind of experience...

So I came up with a little plan. Wrote it in my course book.  And gave it to the other half to read (he was working when I was at the course).  Well...we've had a 100 % turn around in behavior.  It's almost become easy to get chores done.

You see, when there are just adults in the house - you know you all do your bit.  Doesn't matter if it isn't completely obvious at all times that you've just scrubbed the toilet - you know the lawns will be mowed when needed.  But with a child...if you are sitting on the couch reading a book - why the hell should they be doing the dishes?  Doesn't matter if you just spent 8 hours of your day off spring cleaning while they played with a friend.

So we started a new routine.  The next day. I was so tired when I got home I went straight to bed.  There were two things I learnt.  One -- may more attention to how my mum got me to do jobs.  Two - - Doesn't matter if it's fair - it has to look fair.

One:  The housework.  This one came from my mum.  If I'd known she was tricking me into housework all those times I'm not sure I'd have fallen for it.  I wrote down 9 jobs that had to be done.  From dusting to mopping the floors.  Then we had turns at picking one each - til we had three each.  Then we had to do our jobs and score each other out of ten.  The winner got to choose a prize! First week the prize was as simple as whats for dinner, second week - which board game we'd play.  Now of course it was rigged - and Miss 12 won both weeks :).

First week on it - we had to think through it carefully.  Keeping in mind that it may be she didn't know how to do jobs that were causing conflict.  So each time she picked a job - we picked a job in the same room so that we could low-key help her.  She successfully mopped the floors, dusted the whole house and cleaned the kitchen benches/dishes. Three jobs she hates.

Second week on it - we were on our way home from work on Friday "Can I choose what jobs we have to do this weekend.  Well - yeah, sure why not! I was a bit worried she might not choose what needed to be done but figured we could twist a couple of the jobs to make sure we did them while we were doing ours.  She took the job very seriously indeed.  She went around the house and noted down all that had to be done.  Then we picked.  She ended up cleaning the bathroom (toilet included!).  It's only ever me that cleans the toilet - you have no idea how good this was! Among sorting the good cat toys from the old and other jobs.  Every thing got done.

Kinda looking forward to week three of housework now!  It may not be a war zone.

Two: Doesn't matter who has cooked dinner, or tidied the bathroom.  Everyone does one after dinner chore.  Usually wash dishes, dry dishes, make lunch.  Now I plan for this to become a little more complicated once it is full routine.  No arguments.  A little bit annoyed at times - but no arguments.  8 days running and the dishes have been done and the lunches made with no tantrums.  Come school holidays I may just add in clean the toilets or something.  If we are on holidays at mums (if bloody cyfs come through with the passport) we could do - load the dishwasher, sweep the floor, clean the toilets...  Since there is a dishwasher and don't need lunch made in the holidays.  That way she gets used to there being a different combination of jobs.

We will see.  So far so good.

Negative!

How do you deal with negativity? The constant...eww that's ugly. I don't like that. I don't want that.  Etc etc. Advice? Opinions?  Not saying I will try it - but I will think about it!

Doesn't respond at all well to being told to 'only say something nice or don't say anything at all'.

On another note - she is now really excited about my other half going on the school trip with her - as long as he is in a different group.  Think she realised when her class was told if they didn't get more helpers they couldn't go!

Thursdays are tender.

Well... we've got through til Thursday ... no major meltdowns since Wednesday morning!  There never was an apology for the mornings behaviour - but sometimes...it's best just to let it die - I hope.  Really had a crappy day and didn't feel like fighting that battle too.

So today is Thursday - access day.  Family get to spend time with Miss 12...and without fail she comes home in a terrible mood and it takes days to sort!  So we are trying another approach - Thursdays is the day off asking her to do anything...

She has volunteered to help with dinner and is out there now.  But can't push it - if she changes her mind...it's a Thursday - any Thursday without a meltdown is progress.

She is beating chicken at the moment. Making it flat for schnitzel.  "This chicken is *****" (*** name of student from her school). I'm beating ****, **** called me dumb. Bitch."

Well...one way to get your anger out!  Maybe we have been wrong about Thursdays behaviour! Maybe it is school related.  Also worked out she has a reliever teacher on a Thursday.

So...what is causing the Thursday meltdowns - may not be as straightforward as first thought.

Didn't take long

When I started this I thought - oh, we are usually a couple of weeks between tantrums...I reckon we have another week before I will make a post.

This morning miss 12 asked for her permission slip for her school trip.  I gave it to her.  Circled - yes we can help with supervision on the day.  Well...that was a disaster waiting to happen.  "I told you I don't want you to help"  (We also get the sulk every single time her teacher speaks with us - good or bad...we are embarrassing).

We tried explaining how school trips can't happen if there aren't adults to help supervise.  Didn't work.  Cue: Face of Thunder.  My other half told her to take a look in the mirror.  She said "nah".  He said "that's because you know the face is a childish face, two year olds throw tantrums".  She argued a little more before he raised his voice - for the first time ever.  "You can't throw a tantrum every time you don't get your own way, you are twelve, it's time to start acting it".

Tears. Overflowing, sobbing.  The whole 30minute drive to school.  No good bye.  Nothing.

First time in 4 months we've had to tell her off.  Getting a bit sick of the tantrums to get her own way.  Unfortunately at the start we hadn't googled "let them die by being ignored" and gave them a little too much attention.  Moved to ignoring...and on the most part it works.  But god, it gets exhuasting.  I can understand how he got angry - was probably about time.   At least it was still about her...can't let her know it effects us either...

Everything I've read says the tantrums are to punish us... that if we show it is affecting us - she will feel she has won.

We have pretty good leverage over her at the moment. An upcoming holiday she doesn't want to miss out on.  She knows we haven't booked flights, and aren't going to until a couple of days before...so she'll probably apologise.  If not - we may have to follow through...  Three tantrums...no holiday.  This is number two.  I really don't want to get to three - because then what do we use... we won't let you stay home in the holidays? I suppose we could arrange tutoring!

Will get back to you on that one!

People say Why? Why would you?

Why would we? Why would we act as short term parents, to kids that have obviously been through some traumatic experience in their lives? (even being moved in with us is a traumatic experience).

There aren't enough homes out there for the kids that have been abused by their parents.  Not just phsycially...emotionally.  Neglected.  How do we know?  We've seen kids returned to their families with no change in circumstance - and been told "we didn't have anywhere else for them to go".

We both love kids...we aren't ready for our own yet.  Not ready for the time off work, the sleepless nights.  But we are both skilled, working, professionals...who know what kids need.  We came into it by accident.  By helping out parents who needed a break for the weekend.

I know people say that teenagers are the most challenging age group - but are they really any more challenging than another age group - at least we have learnt what comes with a teenager!  Moods, arguments, sulks, lies, the list could go on!

So is it easier parenting someone elses child than your own?  Nope.  Well, not that we'd really know...there probably are aspects that are easier - like you know you can give them back if you can't work it out!  But on a whole it's harder - there is no unconditional love.  You need to work at loving them.  They may not forgive you for upsetting them.

These kids need to like you...they need to have some where stable to live.  Thought about what might happen to a teenager who didn't want to be somewhere? They'd leave!  Plain and simple!  It would be easy to say - well, we are just babysitting them until they go home to mum and dad.  Sadly, these kids usually come with no sense of self esteem (or too much of it!), no discipline, no routines, no manners!  So in amongst trying to make sure they like you - you need to teach them these things so that they can function in your household!  That's easy for the first 4 weeks...they are so scared they do anything they are told.  Give it four weeks though - and as far as they are concerned...you ain't dad - you can't tell me what to do!

So how do you juggle being likeable, being fair, being in charge and getting things done.  Well...I don't know.  That's why I'm blogging.  Sometimes it's easy.  Sometimes it's run to every parent I know of their own teenager and say "how would you..."  sometimes it's feeling like giving up. Sometimes it's googling the same thing 100 times hoping for a different result.  Sometimes, seeing success - makes you do it all again next time.