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Thursday 31 July 2014

It can be a battle to stay positive.

Miss 12 is, most of the time, a pleasure.  But, some of the time, very hard to stay patient with.  The last couple of mornings she has been up and ready for school before I'm even out of bed.  Good on her, positive way to start the day.

Yet both the last two days, on the way to school she has found something to get in a grump about.  Really silly things both times and flicked into silent treatment.  Not that that's such a bad thing - I like quiet mornings!  But really frustrating as I just want to shake her and say "that's not how you solve your problems".  Of course I don't, I keep calm and ignore.  The internet was right - ignoring her is the best way to make the behavior go away.  I just wish it wouldn't happen in the first place.

She is trying really hard to be good.  Has asked several times over the last couple of weeks "Am I being good?" So I know she is making an effort and becoming much more aware of her behaviour.  That in itself is huge and I should be grateful.  I'd just be so much more grateful if she didn't sulk when she didn't get her own way.

She did something 'wrong' last week. Minor if you ask me, I don't think accidents should be punished.  She owned up to it the next day (before we'd even noticed) and later said... I was scared to tell you - I thought you'd hit me.  What?!  We have never raised a hand, or even threatened to raise a hand!?! Memories of the past probably - yet she swears black and blue she was never hit.

Figured out yesterday that she has been sneaking in visits with her family before school.  I doubt the agency have even picked up on this - they only see what they want to see.  Her social worker is away at the moment, so no point in us bringing it up until she is back.  I always wondered how long she'd take to figure out her family lived across the road from school and there was no way to stop her! I don't think she had deliberately gone out of her way to see them... but maybe they have gone out of their way to be at their letterbox and around the time the bus comes!

Today is Thursday.  Usual access with her family day - so anticipate a little moodiness! At least we know to prepare for Thursdays now!

Sunday 27 July 2014

Can you teach it?

In my line of work I teach people to do stuff. It’s pretty easy. It’s hard to get them to want to learn sometimes, but the actual teaching part is easy (once you’ve done it for a few years anyway). But it isn’t so easy when you have to teach something you instinctively know. When you have to try and explain something you’ve never had to understand. Empathy and responsibility for ones own actions. Understanding how the choices you make, impact upon others. It’s so easy to say “that’s not how you talk to someone” or “who did that effect?” but to know what those things mean, you actually need to have an understanding of emotion. You need to know about cause and effect. You need to know that the way things are said aren’t necessarily how they are heard. Little Miss is a bully. She knows it. Her teachers know it. But she doesn’t really know what bully means. She’s been called a bully – but doesn’t actually know what it is she does that causes her to be a bully. She has a disagreement with a girl at school – so calls her a fat bitch and slaps her. What’s wrong with that? She asks. “it hurts her” I respond. “no it doesn’t…I didn’t hit her hard” she exclaims. How do you explain to a child who has never been taught right from wrong – the power of her actions? We don’t know either?! But we are getting closer to finding out. Through trial and error mainly. But what we have learnt is we can’t use the situation she is currently in to show how people are affected. What does work is using our own situations, and modelling out loud our thoughts. So when we have a bad day – we have to say out loud. “George told me I didn’t get my work in on time, this made me feel really stupid. I suppose he only told me because it meant he then couldn’t get on with his own work” Or “Today I told Gemma to shut up. I shouldn’t have said it, she was just trying to be energetic. What other ways do you think I could have asked her to be quiet without making her feel stink?” Over time we’ve moved into. You just told me “nah”. That makes me feel sad…what other way could you have told me you don’t want to do your homework. That’s not as easy as it sounds – ‘sad’ also has to be explained when the only emotions you can identify are anger and happiness. Now these approaches aren’t foolproof. And more often than not we don’t feel as though we are making progress. However there have been some glimpses of ‘wow it’s really working”. Recently when talking to my other half on the way home, I mentioned my disgust in a known person leaving their partner while she was in the hospital with their new born baby. The situation was slightly more complex than that. However, what’s important here is the way Miss 12 responded. “Wow, I wonder how that made his mum feel.” I felt at overwhelming sense of pride. That, was empathy! This was the first indication to me that she really was learning to think about how actions have an effect. That people are hurt or lifted by the actions we take. It was two days later when she said to me. “you know that mum…how is she doing. Do you think she needs anything.” I shed a wee tear. I never told her that. I probably should have. She should probably also know that when we show respect for the way other people feel it can make them feel really good too.
More recently, she had been contemplating a situation where a young baby was born with no sight or hearing. It’s obviously played on her mind a lot – as she asked over the weekend just gone. “If I was blind and deaf, would you still have taken me.” I got a bit hit by this question. Was she questioning my love for her…or was she questioning my tolerance of the unique needs the baby she knows of has been born with. I couldn’t answer…and although it were only a few seconds a million thoughts ran through my head. My answer was no, but I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t know why my answer was no.
Thankfully, my other half responded in the moment of silence. “at the moment, we are not equipped to look after a child with needs that would require special attention” A 12 year old child who couldn’t see or hear wouldn’t be able to find their way around your bedroom for a start! You’d have to learn about lots of different things she said. How to look after me, how to talk to me, it would have a pretty big effect on your life. She talked about the things the young family would be needing to learn and the changes they’ be making in their own lives. She had been thinking about it. She had been thinking about others feelings and the effects a situation can have on a life. So the answer is yes, yes you can teach it. Yes, you can teach empathy.

Monday 21 July 2014

Ownership.

When I moved into my house 2 and a bit years ago - it was yellow.  Yellow walls, yellow skirtings...yellow cupboards....yellow, yellow, yellow.

The first thing I did was paint.  The kitchen, the bathroom and the living room.  I never did get around to the bedrooms or the hallway - but it's always been in the back of my mind that it had to be done.

While watching House Rules (I'm a sucker for reality TV) Little Miss piped up around about once a week "I want to paint my bedroom".  I kept saying "one day".  Partly because I couldn't be bothered going to get the paint, other part because I knew it had to be done.

Unfortunately the final aired while we were away.  So we sat down and watched the last week in one long run.  Well the bug got stired up not only in me, but in little miss. About half an hour before the winners were announced (our favourites...just as well...) I said "Do you want to paint your bedroom this afternoon?"  Of course there was an overwhelming resounding 'yes'. I wished very quickly I had kept my mouth shut til the end of the programme as I quickly lost enthusiasm.  But we did.

We headed off to Resene, stocked up on paint - I said she could choose what colours - as long as I agreed with them.  So in other words - keep the house sell-able...I don't want to have to repaint it when I sell it.

She actually picked really well.. The main walls the same colour as I had used throughout the rest of the house...with some splashes of colour.  Here's what we came up with...Sort of.



We have the walls done... Need to buy some green paint for those finishing touches!
She got the hang of it - took a wee while...probably shouldn't have started with the wall that had a window...

She got a bit grumpy at me telling her what to do...but enjoyed herself...Even asked us to set time limits so we'd know what it was like on house rules.  Other half suggested the same thing when he got home and started to help!

Sunday 20 July 2014

She won't let herself enjoy herself...

After 10 weeks of battle...we finally got Little Miss a passport! A once in a lifetime opportunity, and she was so keen to go - she couldn't actually let herself believe it was going to happen.

It didn't go quite like I expected! She did everything she could to sabotage her chances of going on the trip.  Misbehaving...saying she wouldn't go.  Yet she was desperate to go and terribly upset when a passport challenge came up.

It took a long time to get to the bottom of this - but what it turned out to be - every other time she had been promised a trip in her life she had had that promise broken.  For the last 10 years she has been promised every year a trip to Australia - to see where she 'came from'. Every year - that promise has been broken.

It took a lot of talking with social workers/parents etc to figure out that the reason for her challenging behaviour was so that if she didn't go - she could blame herself for the trip being cancelled - not us.

It's such a confusing concept really - but when thought about night after night for weeks it does kind of make sense.

We finally booked our tickets and took off the next day.  Now, on the most part the trip was great.  She was on her best behaviour for my mum!  However, she was the most argumentative and naughty she has ever been with me.  Still not quite at the bottom of this and I don't really understand it.

She didn't seem to be having an 'amazing' time a lot of the time, but since she has been home she has done nothing but talk about her amazing experiences, cuddle her toy kangaroo (belting it into the car...taking it to the shops) and show off the pictures that were taken on her behalf! (she wasn't keen on taking pictures...living in the moment!) She clearly had a much more amazing time that she was letting on.

A couple of times I had to threaten to put her on the next plane home - and as much as I regret stooping to that level it did help with her behaviour!  The other thing that helped with her behaviour...  I got a text from my mums phone asking if I was coming (I was getting takeaways) and I replied with "- no I'm having some time out - sick of someone being a little B...."  She responded straight away saying it was her - and asking what she had done wrong. The text conversation was the first time she had ever really admitted to being at fault with behaviour. Her behaviour came right for the last few days too. Text messages may really be the way to communicate with her, takes the embarrassment out of being confronted face to face.

It's really confusing to me though why she didn't let herself have an amazing time all of the time while away.  She certainly had moments of joy, excitement etc - but it was like when she realised she was she had to hide that by arguing, or sulking.  Maybe she feels guilty that she got to go on such a fabulous trip and her siblings didn't get the opportunity?

Update: The other half suggests that it was because she knows her biological family will never give her the opportunity - so she can't let herself enjoy it as that would be admitting her family wouldn't take her.  She did mention many times - 'this will be the only time I come, i'll never be allowed to come again..."

Thursday 3 July 2014

Its ticking along okay...

This week has been pretty good!

Despite caregiver/teacher interviews earlier in the week - without the best outcome!  Things are good.

Miss 12 is trying really hard to be good. She has made some promises about next term at school.

Of course - there is still an attitude - just cos things are good - it doesn't mean they are perfect...but what 12 year old doesn't have an attitude, right?