I am so incredibly happy for Miss 12. Her family have passed a point. She has been given her things. She has now, at home with her - all of her clothes, her favourite blanket and her teddy from when she was a baby.
She has been asking for these things since day one, 8 months and 3 days ago. She finally has them.
She held up every piece of clothing with pride, popped her blanket in the wash and went to bed really 'satisfied' with life. There was a happiness in her I haven't seen before, and I can't really describe it.
For so long now, everything in her life has been "new" a new home, a new family, new clothes, new 'toys'. But now she has a bit of her history with her too.
What is even more important, to me anyway, not to her - is that her family have let go - just a little bit. Some of the battle must be over if they are willing to part with her things.
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Friday 28 November 2014
Tuesday 25 November 2014
But can I afford not to?
I don't really know what I put in the last blog. And unlike usual I'm not going back to read it so I don't repeat myself. I'm just gonna say what's on my mind.
We had an absolutely lovely young lady of 14 with us for 10 days. She was a pleasure. Very respectful and helpful. Who knows what would have happened when the honeymoon period settled down - but who cares either? It didn't happen. I had quite a bit of self realisation in that time.
The realisation was how much I actually wanted to be doing fostering. It's certainly not something you go into for the recognition, or the money or any other reason people may choose a job. It's because when it comes down to it - that's what you want to be doing. I thought to myself over the week...could I do this...more of it... more kids - like give up my job and look after other peoples kids for less than it costs to pay my mortgage. Yeah I could. But would it be the same? Not really sure...how many kids come and go before you can't remember a name, or an age, or a care plan detail. I want them to know they have somewhere safe to run when they feel the need to run. How do I juggle that with the want to help everyone?
How did Miss 14 teach me these things? I had to give her back. The ultimate goal in foster care is reunification with the first family. I support that 100%. Some parents need a bit of a helping hand and time out to get life back in control. Not everyone can be expected to know how to 'parent' the day children enter their lives. But Miss 14 didn't go back to her family, and it's unlikely that she ever will. But she has gone to live with a family who she can be with for as long as she wants - and she knows she'll always have a safe place to run if things don't work out. Why not keep her then I hear you ask? She was perfectly behaved, got along well with Miss 12, helped out, family weren't going to cause any trouble. Because the children have to come first. We have committed to Miss 12. What is most important to her is feeling loved, accepted and like she belongs. We made a decision very early on that Miss 12 wouldn't share a bedroom. A night here or there is okay, but any more than 10 days is taking away her sense of ownership. She needs to own something. Even if the only thing Miss 12 really owns is her space.
Miss 12 won't go back to her family either, and as it so happens we probably won't be saying farewells any time soon. In fact Miss 12 meets with a children's lawyer tonight to talk about the long term future and how that is going to look, as a part of our family. Where her first family fit in and when she'll get to see them.
How will I juggle the future...helping out one or two. Two or four. Own children, mortgages? I haven't made any decisions - and lets face it - they're not just my decisions to make. Mr 31 and Miss 12 are an important part of those decisions. However, we are going to look at a bigger house this coming weekend. There is a balance of what I "want" and what we'll "need" if we are going to make a bigger comittment to foster care. 5 bedrooms. One for us, one for Miss 12, one as a guest room, and one as a 'foster' room. The guest room will double as a foster room too I'm sure. One room - a second lounge, a rumpus room...somewhere all the games and dvds and books can go. Somewhere that people can just go and 'be'. What we want - nice, clean, tidy, newish. Well...in this case - brand new...it's not even finished being built yet. What else? I think it's time to stop planning for the future and take it as it comes.
Can we afford to combine our wants and needs? Hard to say. But can I afford not to?
We had an absolutely lovely young lady of 14 with us for 10 days. She was a pleasure. Very respectful and helpful. Who knows what would have happened when the honeymoon period settled down - but who cares either? It didn't happen. I had quite a bit of self realisation in that time.
The realisation was how much I actually wanted to be doing fostering. It's certainly not something you go into for the recognition, or the money or any other reason people may choose a job. It's because when it comes down to it - that's what you want to be doing. I thought to myself over the week...could I do this...more of it... more kids - like give up my job and look after other peoples kids for less than it costs to pay my mortgage. Yeah I could. But would it be the same? Not really sure...how many kids come and go before you can't remember a name, or an age, or a care plan detail. I want them to know they have somewhere safe to run when they feel the need to run. How do I juggle that with the want to help everyone?
How did Miss 14 teach me these things? I had to give her back. The ultimate goal in foster care is reunification with the first family. I support that 100%. Some parents need a bit of a helping hand and time out to get life back in control. Not everyone can be expected to know how to 'parent' the day children enter their lives. But Miss 14 didn't go back to her family, and it's unlikely that she ever will. But she has gone to live with a family who she can be with for as long as she wants - and she knows she'll always have a safe place to run if things don't work out. Why not keep her then I hear you ask? She was perfectly behaved, got along well with Miss 12, helped out, family weren't going to cause any trouble. Because the children have to come first. We have committed to Miss 12. What is most important to her is feeling loved, accepted and like she belongs. We made a decision very early on that Miss 12 wouldn't share a bedroom. A night here or there is okay, but any more than 10 days is taking away her sense of ownership. She needs to own something. Even if the only thing Miss 12 really owns is her space.
Miss 12 won't go back to her family either, and as it so happens we probably won't be saying farewells any time soon. In fact Miss 12 meets with a children's lawyer tonight to talk about the long term future and how that is going to look, as a part of our family. Where her first family fit in and when she'll get to see them.
How will I juggle the future...helping out one or two. Two or four. Own children, mortgages? I haven't made any decisions - and lets face it - they're not just my decisions to make. Mr 31 and Miss 12 are an important part of those decisions. However, we are going to look at a bigger house this coming weekend. There is a balance of what I "want" and what we'll "need" if we are going to make a bigger comittment to foster care. 5 bedrooms. One for us, one for Miss 12, one as a guest room, and one as a 'foster' room. The guest room will double as a foster room too I'm sure. One room - a second lounge, a rumpus room...somewhere all the games and dvds and books can go. Somewhere that people can just go and 'be'. What we want - nice, clean, tidy, newish. Well...in this case - brand new...it's not even finished being built yet. What else? I think it's time to stop planning for the future and take it as it comes.
Can we afford to combine our wants and needs? Hard to say. But can I afford not to?
Friday 21 November 2014
It's hard letting go
It's not even time to let go yet and I'm feeling sad. Miss 14 will move on on Monday. She has been given a home with a couple who have two other teenage girls that attend the school that she will be attending. She loved it here, and we loved having her. Just isn't quite the right time for us and Miss 12. Moving toward permanency with Miss 12, we need to have her settled so that she takes the process well. We also have a house far too small for two teenagers. They're sharing a single room at the moment.
In saying that, it's made me realise that we can't just stop at one. Our house will always be a home for kids who need somewhere to call home. Be it for a few days, a few weeks or a few years, or forever. We are looking now at moving. The sooner the better really. We are cramped here. It's hard to keep a house tidy when you have enough stuff for a four bedroom house in a two bedroom house. It is so much easier to stay put. But it is so much harder to do for kids what you really want to be doing for them. It's also much harder to find room to put new purchases.
Not one kid we have had has been 'naughty' for us. Yeah normal teenage attitude at times - but nothing naughty. We have had four children with us within the last year...we must be due for a challenge?
No matter who the kid is, i love them and want the best for them. I can't help it. Miss 14 will still come and visit us once a month as per her transitional agreement, to give time out to her long term caregivers.
Stunned at how fast things went for her. Miss 12 has been fighting it for nearly a year now to gain some permanency, Miss 14 gets hers 9 days after coming into care. It is sad her mum let go so easily, but it is nice for her that she can just move on.
In saying that, it's made me realise that we can't just stop at one. Our house will always be a home for kids who need somewhere to call home. Be it for a few days, a few weeks or a few years, or forever. We are looking now at moving. The sooner the better really. We are cramped here. It's hard to keep a house tidy when you have enough stuff for a four bedroom house in a two bedroom house. It is so much easier to stay put. But it is so much harder to do for kids what you really want to be doing for them. It's also much harder to find room to put new purchases.
Not one kid we have had has been 'naughty' for us. Yeah normal teenage attitude at times - but nothing naughty. We have had four children with us within the last year...we must be due for a challenge?
No matter who the kid is, i love them and want the best for them. I can't help it. Miss 14 will still come and visit us once a month as per her transitional agreement, to give time out to her long term caregivers.
Stunned at how fast things went for her. Miss 12 has been fighting it for nearly a year now to gain some permanency, Miss 14 gets hers 9 days after coming into care. It is sad her mum let go so easily, but it is nice for her that she can just move on.
Saturday 15 November 2014
Some things are sad.
You know when you go into foster care that some kids have had hard backgrounds. You know that they don't have it easy, are neglected or abused. Stuff that makes your skin crawl when you think about it.
Miss 14 came to us yesterday afternoon. While collecting her from the agency office and filling out a care plan her clothes arrived.
One bag of clothes and one of books. Interesting combination. When she was asked what clothes were in the bag she said Jerseys. We had a look and sure enough all her mum had given her was jerseys. Well that's not really good enough is it says social worker and I. That's all I have at mums house says Miss 14. Well where are all your clothes. I have some at a friends place, I stay there some times.
When we got to the friends house, she grabbed a pair of ripped pants and was on the way. They were bundled in a ball and the social worker asked her "is that all you need" she responded with 'yes'.
She got into my car at this point, and I said, are you sure that is going to be enough? She said it was. So I said, I take it you've got undies and stuff wrapped up in those pants. Nope, she tells me - just pants.
Well, we'll go back in then. You'll need undies, a bra, a clean t-shirt, something to sleep in. This is all I have she said. Suddenly everything fell into place and I jumped out of the car before the social worker had time to drive off.
"I don't think Miss 14 has any clothes" Social worker questions me with her facial expressions. I elaborate. She has what she is wearing, three jerseys and a pair of pants. She doesn't have any underwear. We look at each other in shock just for a few minutes, the smells sinking into place.
She phones her supervisor with the "I don't know what to do here, this hasn't happened to me before..." Supervisor is visiting the mum and confirms there are no more clothes in Miss 14's bedroom.
THey're umming and ahhhing, not really sure what they can do about getting a money order at 6pm on a friday night. I'll buy some I said, I'll keep the receipts, you guys can sort it out next week. They umm and ahhh a little bit more. They're not allowed to approve spending without their bosses permission. A couple more phone calls and I had permission to spend up to $100. Get the basics to last the weekend. We'll look into things more on Monday.
So we've done a bit of shopping. Undies, bra, shorts, 2 t-shirts a nighty and some socks. She is overjoyed at her new clothes. Now smelling delightful and clean. Today the four of us went to a great big op shop for a few treats. We made it seem like just something we were doing anyway. But Miss 14 did get her very own pair of shoes. She hasn't taken them off yet.
Feeling pretty sad for her. There is an awful lot of other stuff going on. But that's enough for now. Her and Miss 12 are due back from the supermarket shortly. So glad they are getting along well.
Miss 14 came to us yesterday afternoon. While collecting her from the agency office and filling out a care plan her clothes arrived.
One bag of clothes and one of books. Interesting combination. When she was asked what clothes were in the bag she said Jerseys. We had a look and sure enough all her mum had given her was jerseys. Well that's not really good enough is it says social worker and I. That's all I have at mums house says Miss 14. Well where are all your clothes. I have some at a friends place, I stay there some times.
When we got to the friends house, she grabbed a pair of ripped pants and was on the way. They were bundled in a ball and the social worker asked her "is that all you need" she responded with 'yes'.
She got into my car at this point, and I said, are you sure that is going to be enough? She said it was. So I said, I take it you've got undies and stuff wrapped up in those pants. Nope, she tells me - just pants.
Well, we'll go back in then. You'll need undies, a bra, a clean t-shirt, something to sleep in. This is all I have she said. Suddenly everything fell into place and I jumped out of the car before the social worker had time to drive off.
"I don't think Miss 14 has any clothes" Social worker questions me with her facial expressions. I elaborate. She has what she is wearing, three jerseys and a pair of pants. She doesn't have any underwear. We look at each other in shock just for a few minutes, the smells sinking into place.
She phones her supervisor with the "I don't know what to do here, this hasn't happened to me before..." Supervisor is visiting the mum and confirms there are no more clothes in Miss 14's bedroom.
THey're umming and ahhhing, not really sure what they can do about getting a money order at 6pm on a friday night. I'll buy some I said, I'll keep the receipts, you guys can sort it out next week. They umm and ahhh a little bit more. They're not allowed to approve spending without their bosses permission. A couple more phone calls and I had permission to spend up to $100. Get the basics to last the weekend. We'll look into things more on Monday.
So we've done a bit of shopping. Undies, bra, shorts, 2 t-shirts a nighty and some socks. She is overjoyed at her new clothes. Now smelling delightful and clean. Today the four of us went to a great big op shop for a few treats. We made it seem like just something we were doing anyway. But Miss 14 did get her very own pair of shoes. She hasn't taken them off yet.
Feeling pretty sad for her. There is an awful lot of other stuff going on. But that's enough for now. Her and Miss 12 are due back from the supermarket shortly. So glad they are getting along well.
Miss 14
A beautifully pleasant addition to our family is Miss 14. Sitting in a cafe waiting for food so can't write much. She gets along great with Miss 12. She'll be another hard one to let go of!
Sunday 9 November 2014
The five finger countdown.
I had to count backward from five today. I don't like having to ask someone more than three times to do as they are asked!
Master 8 needed to have his shower so he could go to bed on time tonight. He has a big day tomorrow. Starts the day with us, gets collected by his social worker. Finds out he has been kicked out of school. Likely going to a new home too. Hopefully his family will agree to have him back - at least til he is settled into a new school!
Miss 12 has had her patience wear thin a few times. Master 8 tries far too hard to impress, and definitely doesn't impress her. He is the best at everything, and Miss 12 thinks thats ridiculous. However, despite her moments of frustration, she is doing well. Still managing to run around and play with him - slightly enjoying the child company she has missed so much over the last 7 months.
Today we went to the park for a picnic and some cricket. I was the only one who lost to the sunshine and am paying for it with burning red skin now. Such an irresponsible parent! Who forgets sunscreen on a hot sunny day?!
Came home to do the house work and everyone pitched in. Miss 12 did it all in her stride, as she has learnt so incredibly well to do. Master 8 didn't question the joining in - just copied the rest of us. He picked jobs that were a bit hard for him, which meant Mr 31 had to aid in completing those jobs.
Who knows what the future holds for Master 8. I can only hope that whatever the future holds, someone continues to nurture that intelligence! He is a little genius. Such a strong desire to learn. Knows things about the world I'd never even thought about. I don't think his time here was an unpleasant time for him, but I hope he remembers it with fond memories and not anger about the unpredictable phase of his life.
Master 8 needed to have his shower so he could go to bed on time tonight. He has a big day tomorrow. Starts the day with us, gets collected by his social worker. Finds out he has been kicked out of school. Likely going to a new home too. Hopefully his family will agree to have him back - at least til he is settled into a new school!
Miss 12 has had her patience wear thin a few times. Master 8 tries far too hard to impress, and definitely doesn't impress her. He is the best at everything, and Miss 12 thinks thats ridiculous. However, despite her moments of frustration, she is doing well. Still managing to run around and play with him - slightly enjoying the child company she has missed so much over the last 7 months.
Today we went to the park for a picnic and some cricket. I was the only one who lost to the sunshine and am paying for it with burning red skin now. Such an irresponsible parent! Who forgets sunscreen on a hot sunny day?!
Came home to do the house work and everyone pitched in. Miss 12 did it all in her stride, as she has learnt so incredibly well to do. Master 8 didn't question the joining in - just copied the rest of us. He picked jobs that were a bit hard for him, which meant Mr 31 had to aid in completing those jobs.
Who knows what the future holds for Master 8. I can only hope that whatever the future holds, someone continues to nurture that intelligence! He is a little genius. Such a strong desire to learn. Knows things about the world I'd never even thought about. I don't think his time here was an unpleasant time for him, but I hope he remembers it with fond memories and not anger about the unpredictable phase of his life.
How to help foster kids without fostering.
http://foster2forever.com/2014/05/help-foster-child-family.html#_a5y_p=1592612
I could add quite a few things to this list...mostly...
If you hear of a new kid in foster care...See what clothes you have in their size.
I could add quite a few things to this list...mostly...
If you hear of a new kid in foster care...See what clothes you have in their size.
Saturday 8 November 2014
Miss 12 is a little genius!
This blog post is a little out of order as other things - like Master 8 - took my mind off some pretty cool stuff Miss 12 achieved this week.
She has been with us 7.5 months. 6 months ago she had her Reading Comprehension tested and scored in the 'below average' range. In fact, she scored 'below average' in all topics. She has just had her end of year testing and she got "above average" for reading comprehension and "average" for maths and vocabulary. We are just incredibly proud of her and the effort she has been putting in at school lately. She spends hours doing reading and maths homework (voluntarily...it's above and beyond what is set for her). Her hard work has paid off! She is doing so well. I hope she wins an award at her end of year 8 prize giving! She must be in the running for Most Improved all rounder.
I certainly don't take the credit for her progress. She has an amazing teacher who she absolutely adores. She loves school, and in herself has found the desire to be successful. I even heard university mentioned the other day!
AND
She was given the choice of high schools to attend and chose the best she could have. She has chosen our local high school which has an excellent reputation and excellent success rates. It has the ugliest uniform, but even with holding that opinion quite strongly - she still chose the school. The second closest one has no uniform...and she still chose the best.
She had an interview with the principal last week, and she has her entry testing next week. High school - here we come!
She has been with us 7.5 months. 6 months ago she had her Reading Comprehension tested and scored in the 'below average' range. In fact, she scored 'below average' in all topics. She has just had her end of year testing and she got "above average" for reading comprehension and "average" for maths and vocabulary. We are just incredibly proud of her and the effort she has been putting in at school lately. She spends hours doing reading and maths homework (voluntarily...it's above and beyond what is set for her). Her hard work has paid off! She is doing so well. I hope she wins an award at her end of year 8 prize giving! She must be in the running for Most Improved all rounder.
I certainly don't take the credit for her progress. She has an amazing teacher who she absolutely adores. She loves school, and in herself has found the desire to be successful. I even heard university mentioned the other day!
AND
She was given the choice of high schools to attend and chose the best she could have. She has chosen our local high school which has an excellent reputation and excellent success rates. It has the ugliest uniform, but even with holding that opinion quite strongly - she still chose the school. The second closest one has no uniform...and she still chose the best.
She had an interview with the principal last week, and she has her entry testing next week. High school - here we come!
The need to impress
It must be hard for kids. Fullstop really. It must be harder for those whose future is so uncertain. For a child, with every statement, there is a trumps. With every game there is a loser.
For a permanant foster parent there is a need to constantly reassure your Miss 12 that, yes, she is our life. Yet balance it with letting Master 8 know that he is fully welcome and a part of our family for now.
Miss 12
It's taken a bit of a toll on Miss 12. She hasn't said so. But she is judging. Asking for compliments in a round about way. Finding ways to send Master 8 off to do something that doesn't involve being around all the time.
It took a bit of a toll on me today. Miss 12 wanted to spend $1 of her pocket money on a chocolate bar. I told her if she wanted to do that she had to put it in a bag and save it until he wasn't around. It's not fair to eat it in front of him. She couldn't understand this, it's her money - she should be allowed to spend it if she wants to.
Now I could have bought one for him - but then that wouldn't have been fair on her. I could have let her buy the chocolate bar, but that wouldn't have been fair on him (he doesn't have pocket money!) so I had to take it as a learning opportunity. How would you like it if we went out and I brought an ice-cream for myself and didn't offer you one? She didn't respond. But I think she realised. She reluctantly put the chocolate bar back.
It's hard because I want to be nice to her, reassure her. But I think back to something the psychologist told us. Sometimes too much reassurance feeds anxiety. Her anxiety is being loved and accepted unconditionally by us. I want to feed that sometimes.
I've made sure to give them both some individual attention. Her a little more than him (yesterday it was him a little more than her) and she seems to have settled again for now.
Master 8
He doesn't know what his future holds. He knows his family don't want him back. Probably for his own good. What is sad is that he feels the need to be anyone but himself.
When he is being himself he is quite lovely (although, incredibly talkative! Exhaustingly!) however he puts on such a show. He has been everywhere, man. He has everything. He has been on carnival rides that he isn't tall enough for! He has a gazillion friends.
He gets along well with people, has a tremendous giggle. It's hard to every see that this 8 year old is capable of destroying 2 classrooms and having such fits of anger that he harms everyone in his way...
He looks up to Miss 12. Really wants to impress her too! I guess she is pretty good looking!
For a permanant foster parent there is a need to constantly reassure your Miss 12 that, yes, she is our life. Yet balance it with letting Master 8 know that he is fully welcome and a part of our family for now.
Miss 12
It's taken a bit of a toll on Miss 12. She hasn't said so. But she is judging. Asking for compliments in a round about way. Finding ways to send Master 8 off to do something that doesn't involve being around all the time.
It took a bit of a toll on me today. Miss 12 wanted to spend $1 of her pocket money on a chocolate bar. I told her if she wanted to do that she had to put it in a bag and save it until he wasn't around. It's not fair to eat it in front of him. She couldn't understand this, it's her money - she should be allowed to spend it if she wants to.
Now I could have bought one for him - but then that wouldn't have been fair on her. I could have let her buy the chocolate bar, but that wouldn't have been fair on him (he doesn't have pocket money!) so I had to take it as a learning opportunity. How would you like it if we went out and I brought an ice-cream for myself and didn't offer you one? She didn't respond. But I think she realised. She reluctantly put the chocolate bar back.
It's hard because I want to be nice to her, reassure her. But I think back to something the psychologist told us. Sometimes too much reassurance feeds anxiety. Her anxiety is being loved and accepted unconditionally by us. I want to feed that sometimes.
I've made sure to give them both some individual attention. Her a little more than him (yesterday it was him a little more than her) and she seems to have settled again for now.
Master 8
He doesn't know what his future holds. He knows his family don't want him back. Probably for his own good. What is sad is that he feels the need to be anyone but himself.
When he is being himself he is quite lovely (although, incredibly talkative! Exhaustingly!) however he puts on such a show. He has been everywhere, man. He has everything. He has been on carnival rides that he isn't tall enough for! He has a gazillion friends.
He gets along well with people, has a tremendous giggle. It's hard to every see that this 8 year old is capable of destroying 2 classrooms and having such fits of anger that he harms everyone in his way...
He looks up to Miss 12. Really wants to impress her too! I guess she is pretty good looking!
Friday 7 November 2014
'it's a boy'
We had a phone call while driving home today. We need an urgent placement for an 8 year old. Okay, what's the deal? Okay, boy or girl? Okay, are we likely to be injured by violence? Yeah alright, we'll turn around now and come and get him.
And that's how we have Master 8. Master 8 has settled in very quickly. Yabbering away. A little (not so little) bundle of knowledge. He knows all of his times tables - I know, I've heard them recited. Knows about the moon cycles. How gravity works. Yup - he is a smarty.
But he destroyed a classroom at his school last week, and hurt a teacher. He did it again today and his family won't take him back. Cyfs were involved anyway - he has been staying with his aunt for awhile now.
We don't know much else. But he has never shown violence outside of the classroom setting. It's certainly going to be an interesting process - he's been kicked out of school and there are no plans for Monday yet. There is a lot of history of drugs/violence/abuse in the family but we don't know exactly what relate to him.
Miss 12 has been fabulous. Incredibly patient and understanding. She had said quite constantly up until today that there were to be no other children. But she said yes to this one before I even had a chance. She is leading by example and I'm incredibly proud of her.
And that's how we have Master 8. Master 8 has settled in very quickly. Yabbering away. A little (not so little) bundle of knowledge. He knows all of his times tables - I know, I've heard them recited. Knows about the moon cycles. How gravity works. Yup - he is a smarty.
But he destroyed a classroom at his school last week, and hurt a teacher. He did it again today and his family won't take him back. Cyfs were involved anyway - he has been staying with his aunt for awhile now.
We don't know much else. But he has never shown violence outside of the classroom setting. It's certainly going to be an interesting process - he's been kicked out of school and there are no plans for Monday yet. There is a lot of history of drugs/violence/abuse in the family but we don't know exactly what relate to him.
Miss 12 has been fabulous. Incredibly patient and understanding. She had said quite constantly up until today that there were to be no other children. But she said yes to this one before I even had a chance. She is leading by example and I'm incredibly proud of her.
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