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Tuesday 24 February 2015

She is not following the rules.

The title in this instance is in reference not to Miss 13, but to her mum. You'll find out why soon.

Over the last month Miss 13 has gone from settling fabulously into school, making good friends, having a really positive attitude toward getting homework done on time, being prepared for school and the like.  To disinterested, untalkative (about school) and well, a bit of a madam.  A little more madam than her normal "i've just turned 13" madam.

We have had a lot going on in our lives.  Meaning some pretty strange awake/asleep hours, i naively put her unsettled stage down to this.  Strictly enforcing routines, homework before play.  Going to bed on time etc  It wasn't making a heck of a lot of difference though.  Something else was going on.

She is excited I thought to myself.  My best friend and fiance are staying with us for awhile, and she has someone to show off to.  That's it I thought, it will pass.

Last night Miss 13 sent a text message to me, not its intended recipient.  All of a sudden the lightbulb went off and all fell into place.  She has found contact with her mum.  I immediately took the phone, told her why I was taking the phone.  It is a court imposed order, you are allowed no unsupervised contact or communication with her.  Its for your own safety.

She was ripped apart.  Devastated, She had finally heard from her mum, and she gets the consequence.  She misses out on something she though she was going to have. Again.  She admitted to me that she knew she wasn't supposed to be communicating with her mum.  But since her mum got in touch why wouldn't she respond.  I downloaded the phone statement, and see that there were almost 200 text messages over the previous 2 weeks.  Here everything falls into place!  No wonder we've had a challenge on our hands.

I have no idea of the content.  As much as Miss 13 accidentally sent me a message, she had not so accidentally deleted all of the communication with her mum as she was going.

It seems incredibly unfair to me that the 13 year old is the one punished in this situation.  The 13 year old has to have her phone taken off her while the phone is deleted of anything that may hold her mums contact details, while a new number is obtained for her.  It's the 13 year old that once again gets ripped away from her the tiny little bit of hope she has gathered.  It's the 13 year old who is put in a situation where she is forced to lie to protect the people who she loves so very much.  It's the 13 year old that will miss out on her next 'ok'd' visit with her family.

The 30something year old involved, will get spoken to.  Will get it added to the lengthy court documents.  But what will it change for her.  She won't have to get rid of her phone.  She won't be given a lecture about keeping unsafe secrets.  She will get to see all of the other children on the day she isn't allowed to see Miss 13.

That's right...Miss 13 gets the consequences because her mother can't stick to the boundries that have been imposed upon her to keep her child safe.

Makes me wild.

Monday 2 February 2015

We will be her parents...it's just waiting for the legal stuff now.

What a year! To put it simply!  We've had a heck of a run. We returned from our overseas holiday, where Miss 12 turned Miss 13 - and we saw lots of new and wonderful attitudes and behaviors come about.  Of course they have been quite mixed with the usual 13 year old ones too!

On our return Miss 13 had her, now quarterly, visit with her mum.  Thank goodness they've been reduced to quarterly - her mum decided to say all sorts of things to upset her - for privacy reasons I won't put them here!

During all of this we have been approved as the guardians with full custody for Miss 13, so once it has gone through court and all official - she will finally be able to stop worrying about where she will be in the future and take away some of her doubts preventing her from settling in.  She does know this is on the cards... and as we were told to expect, but couldn't really imagine until it happened - she has began testing boundaries.  

It's hard to tell whether they are normal 13 year old boundaries - or if they are the ones that get pushed by any child when they find a new forever home.  The tantrums have been a little more physical, stomping of feet, attempts (haha it was soft close) to slam doors and under the breath comments about 'you can't tell me what to do"  It's been increasingly important to explain why those sorts of behaviors aren't acceptable, that those behaviors won't make us get rid of her, and how the consequence links to the behavior.  Also had a bit of practice at identifying for her how she is feeling, as that is very challenging when you've had a whole upbringing of only identifying anger. She has expressed gratitude to having her behaviors repeated back to her as she often isn't even aware of what she has just done.  

Her tantrums have been nicely balanced by little letters saying "I love you" and "I'm glad I will be in your family forever" "I'm glad it's all over".

But in all of these marvelous adventures. where there have been 100s of stories to tell...that's about all I can sum it in to.  Main reason being that Miss 13 doesn't give me 5 minutes alone to update my blog! Now that holidays are over and I am back at work and she is back at school - I should have more time! Yes...I hear what I just said!