On Monday of this week, Miss 12's social worker returned from holiday. Now may I point out while her social worker has been on holiday she has been excellently behaved! The social worker filling in wasn't her 'mate' but her social worker. Now original social worker is back - cue the tantrums and sulks! Seriously - how does one social worker have such an impact!
Aside from that, aside from the fact Miss 12 was just getting used to the fact she wouldn't be returning to her family - Miss Social Worker filled her in that all hope was not lost yet - she may still get to live with her mum (who she was taken off three years ago...she has been with her aunty since). Now mum isn't an overly desirable option. Give her a chance sure...but give her the chance to prove she can meet the requirements before getting Miss 12's hopes up.
Now that Miss 12's hopes are up...she has lost the idea of getting comfortable with the impending life changes. Gone back to some of the behaviours we were seeing at the start, that we've worked through and helped her develop strategies to get around those behaviours.
Next thing, Miss Social Worker asks for my opinion on whether or not Miss 12 should be allowed to attend the meeting with her family about the future. No way! She is very emotionally involved in every decision, and suffers considerably after any of these conversations. To put her in on one of these conversations - would be detrimental not only to her behavior - but her sense of belonging and wellbeing!
My opinion wasn't that important though. Today we hear - "I've decided to let her go to the meeting, I will pick her up from school". Awesome. Just bloody awesome. You'll sit there with her through the meeting. Then hang out with her for a bit afterward and talk about how you are doing the best for her, buy her a take out lunch, give her a hot chocolate - and then give her back to us to deal with the consequences later.
The social worker causing us these concerns is leaving in two weeks. But unfortunately most of the big decisions are going to be made within the next two weeks. I really don't trust her social workers judgement...I hope there are others advising her today.
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Thursday 21 August 2014
Monday 18 August 2014
She has come such a long way.
I noticed a few things this weekend.
First: Miss 12 got excited about doing the housework. In fact..she drove it. Made sure we all know what we were doing and how we had to do it. Slipped in a job for herself that she'd never done before so that I could show her how (pulling the weeds from the front garden...okay, it ain't quite a housework chore...but close enough). Even went out of her way to sabotage my zone so that her zone looked better. Competitive much?
Second: It's been well over a week since a major meltdown. Now obviously I'm not deluded into thinking it will never happen again. It's just an absolute achievement to last so long.
Third: I was talking to her teacher, who explained that Miss 12 has changed her friend group. Like completely. No more clinging to the naughty/cool kids. And now hanging out with the good/cool kids. What an achievement!
Forth: She wants to learn. Mentioned by her teacher, but also noticed by me. She is asking us to explain things to her that she doesn't understand. Sometimes anyway! Sometimes she still argues her point.
Fifth: Something she pointed out. Yesterday she asked me; "do you think I've changed? Do you think I have been thinking more carefully about the way I talk about other people?" yes...yes I do! It's been ages since we've had to ask you to reconsider the way you might put a statement!
There is always a next step...but lets take today to notice the progress.
Notice the funny bits too.
We are renovating the bathroom. One wall got ripped out yesterday. This morning she says to me: I really don't like the new wall. Me: Neither, I think it will take some getting used to (at this point I was still joking and thought she was joking). Her: Do you think maybe you should tell Mr.Other? How could you say it nicely without upsetting him? Me: Hmm, I think I'll just tell him that I don't think I like it and could we try a different new wall. Her: But how will he put it up there, he's already taken the wall out. Me: I guess we'll have to wait and see!
Didn't tell her that ripping the plasterboard off is just the first step - will let her learn that over the next fortnight!
First: Miss 12 got excited about doing the housework. In fact..she drove it. Made sure we all know what we were doing and how we had to do it. Slipped in a job for herself that she'd never done before so that I could show her how (pulling the weeds from the front garden...okay, it ain't quite a housework chore...but close enough). Even went out of her way to sabotage my zone so that her zone looked better. Competitive much?
Second: It's been well over a week since a major meltdown. Now obviously I'm not deluded into thinking it will never happen again. It's just an absolute achievement to last so long.
Third: I was talking to her teacher, who explained that Miss 12 has changed her friend group. Like completely. No more clinging to the naughty/cool kids. And now hanging out with the good/cool kids. What an achievement!
Forth: She wants to learn. Mentioned by her teacher, but also noticed by me. She is asking us to explain things to her that she doesn't understand. Sometimes anyway! Sometimes she still argues her point.
Fifth: Something she pointed out. Yesterday she asked me; "do you think I've changed? Do you think I have been thinking more carefully about the way I talk about other people?" yes...yes I do! It's been ages since we've had to ask you to reconsider the way you might put a statement!
There is always a next step...but lets take today to notice the progress.
Notice the funny bits too.
We are renovating the bathroom. One wall got ripped out yesterday. This morning she says to me: I really don't like the new wall. Me: Neither, I think it will take some getting used to (at this point I was still joking and thought she was joking). Her: Do you think maybe you should tell Mr.Other? How could you say it nicely without upsetting him? Me: Hmm, I think I'll just tell him that I don't think I like it and could we try a different new wall. Her: But how will he put it up there, he's already taken the wall out. Me: I guess we'll have to wait and see!
Didn't tell her that ripping the plasterboard off is just the first step - will let her learn that over the next fortnight!
Friday 15 August 2014
Poor little sausage
When we picked Miss 12 up from the 'office' last night, she was inconsolable. Bawling her eyes out. The 'new social worker' whose name we don't even know yet - that's how well informed we are. Told her that she would never be returning to her family.
I'm super confused about this. 1. because the decision wasn't supposed to be made until November. 2. Since when did she have a new social worker. 3. Why the bloody hell didn't they give us a heads up.
She is vulnerable enough without having to get in the car and say "I don't know where I'll live". clearly no options had been suggested to her by new social worker. Poor girl thought she was going to have to find a new home on her own! Fairly certain that if you tell a 12 year old she will never be allowed to live with her family again - she should also be told that she will be looked after and a safe and loving home will be found for her!
Obviously we want to jump in and say - don't worry -you can stay with us forever if you need to. But it ain't that simple! We aren't authorized home for life caregivers (yet...we could be) for one. Secondly - as much as we love her and want to provide for her we are stuck with a pretty big problem. A house.
We live in a little two bedroom flat at the moment, that is barely big enough for the two of us, let alone a nearly teenager. Not to mention wanting our own kids in a year or so.
If we had her room empty - we'd be able to have kids whether or not we could afford a bigger house.
If we had a bigger house - we'd have room to move and it wouldn't be a difficult decision at all.
If we had an extra 50k - yeah rediculous - banks are asking for 20% deposit these days (only have about 10k equity in current house - maybe a tad more depending what it sells for). We'd be able to buy a bigger house.
It sounds selfish to think - well, what if we can't keep her cos we won't be able to fit her in when babies come along. She is our baby anyway! It was only the day before that my other half said "I actually couldn't imagine not having Miss 12 here with us now" With a smile on his face as she pushed some funny little argument she was determined to win.
The question hasn't even been raised with us by the agency. The agency probably hasn't even thought about what next steps. I know one thing for sure - we have put a hell of a lot of work in to helping this young girl find her place in the world - if that gets ruined because an organisation can't be organised - then I will be wild.
Basically - if we won lotto tomorrow there wouldn't be a question in my mind. Hell, I would only need Keno probably - 50k would do it. 50k would give us the house we need to give her a home for life. Or do we need to look at sacrifices. What can we sacrifice in order to give her the home she considers second best (hey, we'd never want first...she should want to be with her biological family).
In the meantime we need to focus on keeping her sane, letting her know she is never going to be homeless, knowing that we aren't going to take her back, drop her on the doorstep of said agency - and say - time for the next people on your list to take a turn. How do you reassure her everything is going to be okay - when actually - they aren't okay. No 12 year old should have to go through the worry of where she'll live.
I'm super confused about this. 1. because the decision wasn't supposed to be made until November. 2. Since when did she have a new social worker. 3. Why the bloody hell didn't they give us a heads up.
She is vulnerable enough without having to get in the car and say "I don't know where I'll live". clearly no options had been suggested to her by new social worker. Poor girl thought she was going to have to find a new home on her own! Fairly certain that if you tell a 12 year old she will never be allowed to live with her family again - she should also be told that she will be looked after and a safe and loving home will be found for her!
Obviously we want to jump in and say - don't worry -you can stay with us forever if you need to. But it ain't that simple! We aren't authorized home for life caregivers (yet...we could be) for one. Secondly - as much as we love her and want to provide for her we are stuck with a pretty big problem. A house.
We live in a little two bedroom flat at the moment, that is barely big enough for the two of us, let alone a nearly teenager. Not to mention wanting our own kids in a year or so.
If we had her room empty - we'd be able to have kids whether or not we could afford a bigger house.
If we had a bigger house - we'd have room to move and it wouldn't be a difficult decision at all.
If we had an extra 50k - yeah rediculous - banks are asking for 20% deposit these days (only have about 10k equity in current house - maybe a tad more depending what it sells for). We'd be able to buy a bigger house.
It sounds selfish to think - well, what if we can't keep her cos we won't be able to fit her in when babies come along. She is our baby anyway! It was only the day before that my other half said "I actually couldn't imagine not having Miss 12 here with us now" With a smile on his face as she pushed some funny little argument she was determined to win.
The question hasn't even been raised with us by the agency. The agency probably hasn't even thought about what next steps. I know one thing for sure - we have put a hell of a lot of work in to helping this young girl find her place in the world - if that gets ruined because an organisation can't be organised - then I will be wild.
Basically - if we won lotto tomorrow there wouldn't be a question in my mind. Hell, I would only need Keno probably - 50k would do it. 50k would give us the house we need to give her a home for life. Or do we need to look at sacrifices. What can we sacrifice in order to give her the home she considers second best (hey, we'd never want first...she should want to be with her biological family).
In the meantime we need to focus on keeping her sane, letting her know she is never going to be homeless, knowing that we aren't going to take her back, drop her on the doorstep of said agency - and say - time for the next people on your list to take a turn. How do you reassure her everything is going to be okay - when actually - they aren't okay. No 12 year old should have to go through the worry of where she'll live.
Sunday 3 August 2014
Friday 1 August 2014
A hard decision.
Usually Thursdays are a bit tough - but that starts about half way home. Today, when we picked her up - she already wasn't talking.
When we got home she asked us to sit down in the lounge so she could talk to us about something. She then said "I have a difficult decision to make. I have to decide whether I want to see my dad."
Woah. Tough call for a little miss! She has never had anything positive to say about her dad - but why would she - her mother has formed her opinion. I've heard her mother do it.
As we said to her - we can't make that decision for you...but we can listen to you as you talk through the reasons why you should or should not. She couldn't actually give us any reasons either way. She doesn't know. She doesn't know where to even start thinking.
Trying not to lead her I asked some questions. She couldn't even really answer them.
I think she should meet her dad. She was very little when she last saw him. Yes, he is gang associated. Yes, he is not good for her. But she should make the decision on what he is like for herself - even if that is a painful experience. Otherwise she'll always wonder.
I think that she doesn't want to meet him - but feels she should to support her littler siblings.
How do I help her make a decision - without putting my influence on it? I guess that's something I'll have to figure out!
When we got home she asked us to sit down in the lounge so she could talk to us about something. She then said "I have a difficult decision to make. I have to decide whether I want to see my dad."
Woah. Tough call for a little miss! She has never had anything positive to say about her dad - but why would she - her mother has formed her opinion. I've heard her mother do it.
As we said to her - we can't make that decision for you...but we can listen to you as you talk through the reasons why you should or should not. She couldn't actually give us any reasons either way. She doesn't know. She doesn't know where to even start thinking.
Trying not to lead her I asked some questions. She couldn't even really answer them.
I think she should meet her dad. She was very little when she last saw him. Yes, he is gang associated. Yes, he is not good for her. But she should make the decision on what he is like for herself - even if that is a painful experience. Otherwise she'll always wonder.
I think that she doesn't want to meet him - but feels she should to support her littler siblings.
How do I help her make a decision - without putting my influence on it? I guess that's something I'll have to figure out!
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