One party after another

It's hard enough for me as an adult to remain in prime form when one party is followed by the next...constantly.

We have house guests this week.  10 at the moment.  So it's like a constant party. It makes me tired just seeing that many people.  But the hardest part is that Miss 13 quickly forgets the lessons she has learnt and slips back into bad habits.

She makes 'mean' comments instead of nice ones, she gives lip when it isn't needed. The tone in her voice dictates attitude, not respect.  Don't get me wrong, she is doing really, really well.

I've been reflecting on why it is that she slips back into old habits while there are people around, and not when it's just the three of us at home.  I have a wondering.  I wonder if it is that having people around reminds her more of being at 'home'.  Where she constantly had to demand attention if she wanted it - no matter if that was positive or negative attention.  The need to be defensive, because if she wasn't - she got the blame.  The need to boss people around, because if she didn't she had to do it. The need to get give attitude to others, so that they didn't give it to her first.

I hope that is all it is. And I hope that when she looks back on this fortnight, she will look back and think "Oh it wasn't so bad after all. No one forgot me. No one left me out" Maybe the next time will be a little more simple.

The thorn among the roses.

Of course my prediction was right.  Nothing is ever just a walk in the park is it.

The majority of our one year celebrations went perfectly yesterday.  Miss 13 loved her surprise dinner, she picked a movie (The second best exotic marigold hotel) that appealed to both myself and Mr 31.

She sat three seats down in the cinema (hey, she is 13 after all!) and talked pleasantly about the movie.

But in the car things went quiet.  She went straight to bed without her usual good night (read me a story and give me lots of attention) routine.

Its a hard one.  Of course she wanted to celebrate a fabulous year.  But inside those celebrations is a mark of a terrible day.  The day her and her siblings were ripped from their family home. With nothing but the clothes they stood in.

It took weeks to get her clothes.  She still hasn't got her 'things'.  She was made to recount some of the disgusting abuse that took place.  Yesterday marked those memories for her.  So I am not surprised she went to bed without saying good night.  But it still hurts a little.

She called me when I got to work this morning.  No reason, obviously just wanted to say hi.  My guess is that was her way of saying "last nights over, just checking you are still there."

It's like a first birthday...

Today it's been one year since Miss 12, now Miss 13, came into our lives.

It started with a phonecall... around 10am... Any chance you could take some girls for tonight? We've just uplifted them and it's unlikely they'll be returning home today.

Within hours that had turned into a few days.  Within a few days that had turned into a few weeks, within a few weeks, months.  Now, as we hit one year with this young lady in our lives - we know that its her forever home. I wouldn't have it any other way.

Has it been hard. Bloody heck yeah. It's hard almost every day.  But is it perfect. yes it is.  Because she has made our lives richer, added humour, made us be a little more organised, learn our strengths and weaknesses as parents, helped us form friendships that require me to depend on other people sometimes.

It's not going to get easier either...although the last 24 hours have probably been the easiest.  Mr Man of the house pointed out this morning that she is incredibly relaxed at the moment - especially this morning, today was a day I was expecting to be hard.

I'm not naive, I know that gorse will grow between the flowers.  We are talking about a 13 year old girl here!

The hardest bit is worrying about people "judging" some of the things we let her get away with.  But what we've learned is this: Pick your battles.  Choose when the arguments are worth having. Choose the consequences you can follow through on.  First and foremost, let her be.  Because could you imagine being ripped off a desert island, taken away from your family, put in a totally different lifestyle.  It would be hard, and you'd probably understand most of the why.

This young lady, isn't really a lady at all.  She is a child. Taken from her family.  Moved from a low socio-economic area to a high one. Expected, for the first time to think about the future. Changed schools and being put it situations that force her to remember her past.

Tonight we will celebrate as a family, the amazing person she has developed into over the last twelve months. In the weekend - we will celebrate with the wider family and friends.  She is excited about celebrating the fact, and that makes me happy.

Disclosure.

It's going to be a short post.  For reasons that are obvious.  But we've finally had some disclosure of abuse.  Over hearing some of the things that her little siblings are struggling with helped her see that abuse is affecting them, and she can help them by making sure people know what they went through. She said "if I say what happened to them will it make it easier for them"

I let her know that if she told us what had happened to her it would help us understand her better too - she wasn't willing to go that next step just yet!

Family = Love. But what is love?

Miss 13 finally got to see her little brother and sister again! They came over for the afternoon with their new parents.  They had an absolutely fabulous time together - and I may have not lost an octave of hearing.

They tumbled and screamed, giggled and argued.  But they were brother and sisters - together.  It made my heart hurt a little - but also mended one of those little holes those kids have.  They have each other back.

Miss 7 (she was Miss 6 last time I blogged about her) and Mr 6 have two fabulous new parents whom they clearly adore.  Miss 13 accepted them as her parents much quicker and with much more ease than I anticipated.  She did express a little concern at hearing the words "son" and "daughter" used in reference to her baby brother and sister.  But she didn't argue the point.

So why do I question love?  Because in the eyes of these children, you show love by hurting. With words.  Miss 13 told Mr 6 the park was dumb and boring - which in turn made him resent his trip to the park.  She told Miss 7 that she had fatty arms (My harsh one word response quickly had her repeat as "your boney arms".

I didn't hear so much of it back from the little ones...and Miss 13 went and had a good cry when she was pulled up on her behaviours.  She did listen though when I told her "We don't show love by hurting people...it doesn't matter how often that has been taught to you, it's not okay. We show love by saying and doing nice things"  It made her cry even more - but she came through the other end and  showed positive love.

Time came for the little ones to leave - and it was heart wrenching to see them pulled away and buckled into a car when they so clearly didn't want to leave.  But promises were made - that now that all of the three children were with their permanent new families - that they would be reunited as a family more often.  We now need to reinforce that by following through.  Miss 13 has planned her one year living with us party for 28 March, so that her little ones can come and help celebrate (though she often tells me there is nothing to celebrate...I'll go with that!)

The lesson of love

As anticipated, telling Miss 13 about the passing of her wee friend was hard.  It wasn't as hard as I expected though.  Miss 13 had a very mature response to the whole situation. I hadn't really thought about the number of times she had been through a similar situation in her own short life already.

To me, it's not normal for a baby to lose life before he or she has really lived.  To Miss 13, this isn't the first, second or even third time.  Losing a baby has sadly been commonplace in her family.

Did she still show emotion. Yes.  Did she still ask for details about how the baby died. Yes. Could I give her those answers. No.  Did she get a bit angry that I couldn't give her those answers. Yes.  But did she take a really mature response through the situation, express sympathy for the baby's mumma - damn right she did.

And that is how this little girl has changed Miss 13s life.  Miss 13, would not have 12 months ago considered the impacts of such a devastating event on the lives of others.  Now, it's her number one concern.  She really wanted to attend the funeral of the baby - not for her own acknowledgement, but just to check the baby's mumma was doing okay.  As hard as it was, I had to say no. I had many reasons for doing so, but not the least of which is - she herself is a child, yes she needs to know that death happens.  But she doesn't need to be surrounded in grief when that is what most of her life has contained.

Thankfully she took the no in good stride, instead making a beautiful well thought out card to the mummy.  She took it down to the post shop and posted it herself.  Just reading the words in it made me cry - but made me cry with pride for Miss 13 as well as saddness for the loss of such a precious wee life.

This little girl changed Miss 13s life.  And mine.  I don't think she will ever be far from either of our hearts.  Thank you to her mumma for sharing her life with us.  You'll never know the difference it made to us.

It'll break that little heart

Over night the unimaginable happened to a colleague. I'd like to say a friend, but a friend via social media and work - as opposed to hanging out at the local coffee shop.  She lost her baby girl, of whom had been through many battles with her health in her few short months.

It's not mine to blog about.  It's not my loss to grieve. I feel somewhat bad for even writing a blog before she has announced it to her own blogging world.  However, there is a bit in me that has to express my current feelings, I can't talk to anyone at work about it.  So writing about it is my only option at the moment.  I probably won't push publish yet.  Time needs to pass.

But our Miss 13 adored this baby.  Back when miss baby came into the world, Miss 13 began to learn an emotion other than anger.  She learnt about so many other things: frustration, saddness, love and pure joy.  She has asked at least weekly about the wee cherub, and befriended her mum on facebook to ensure she gets her regular dose of photos and updates.

She talks about her at any opportunity to she gets "The most adorable baby in the world".  When she is learning about emotions, she often makes connections to the little life that has taught her so much.

Tonight I will need to go home and tell Miss 13 that her adored 'friend' has gone.  That her battle has been lost.  I will need to find ways to tell her why this sort of thing happens to such wonderful people.  I will need to comfort her, as she is likely to show me for the first time real and true grief.

Miss 13 had only meet Miss baby once.  Miss baby was sound asleep and the two didn't interact.  However, Miss 13 formed an attachment to another human being.  Probably, a safe human being in her eyes - one that wouldn't let her down.  Will she feel let down?  I don't know.

I myself find it hard to understand how such a loved, cared for and adored young life can be lost so young.  I tell myself that there must be a reason, a purpose.  It would be selfish to believe that purpose was to teach so many life lessons to Miss 13.  However, even if the only life lessons she taught were to Miss 13 (which I know without any doubt, lessons were taught to 100s) - it was a lesson worth teaching.  And a life saved.  Miss 13 and I will love that baby forever.  I hope that one day the grief I feel for Miss babys mummy will turn to joy for the experiences they had together.