Fairies and mermaids

My weekend consisted of fairies and mermaids. Miss 7, has thus far been a pleasure. Typical rivalries between her and Miss 13.  But nothing worth getting worked up about. 

She has begun to plan her birthday party. Her 8th birthday will be her first birthday. And she couldn't be more excited. She keeps asking me how many days, just in case a day slipped by. 

She has chosen a fairy party. And a couple of hours at the sewing machine and I have nearly got two fairy costumes done. 

Today I spent a few hours planning her school work for the next two weeks. Miss 7 won't be going to school for the next 8 weeks. So I have the great pleasure of setting her work and seeing her excel. She is currently 2 years behind her age level but I am quietly confident I can get her up to her year level within 8 weeks.

We have found the perfect person to oversee her day care and education. Quite amazing actually I stopped and thought to myself... Who would be the perfect person. That person was not only available but willing. I only met her a few weeks ago... How funny how life lines things up.  

I couldn't be more in my element. 

Grief

 

Grief has many stereotypical definitions. No one has the same internal definition though. 

Today I grieve for the child entering our home. Grief is associated with loss though, not gain. But somehow it fits. 

Because in the gain of a child to our home there are so many different realms of loss. Not only for the child, but those around the child. 

The loss first of all of innocence. When as a toddler experiencing abuse of all sorts. 

The loss of permanency. When taken from the people who love you so much they hurt you. 

The loss of their definition of love. 

The loss of being 'the same' as everyone else and being in the care of other family. 

The loss of thinking they have their new home forever then experiencing abuse so unimaginable they lose their childhood

The loss of predictability in routine as you move between homes while your new forever home is found. 

The loss of hope of being reunited with your family once your forever home is found. 

The loss of your forever home because your issues are so big you can't really be looked after by those without intricate knowledge of how to manage your grief. 

Then the loss of care. Because, certainly, there has to be a point you get to where you don't even believe or dream of staying put and believing those who say they love you. Ever. Again. 

Its too much to wish you happiness in our home Miss '8 in two weeks'. I wish with all my heart that I can help you find some hope. I can't take away your past. But I hope I can shape your future. 

When the fire burns...

I get this little fire of passion in my heart every time.

Every time a new kid comes along that I can make a difference for.  Every time I have the opportunity to "throw back one more starfish".

Over time, as I see a child settle, their need for me to help them decreases, the fire fades.  I still care unreservedly about the children, but they don't need me to be as much for them as I once was.  Miss 13 is still a very important part of my life.  She still needs me.  But I had stopped learning.  I knew how to handle her. I know her needs vs her wants. I have become her parent, not her foster parent.  I know how to get her excited, and how to make her frustrated.  I can look back over the last year with her and I see the changes she has made, the distance she has travelled.

Over the last few months I've felt myself becoming tired, lacking enthusiasm, lacking motivation really.  Another young Miss 7 comes into our lives...she isn't even with us yet...and the fire is re-lit.

Already there is a fire burning, a passion, some motivation and I'm a little less tired.  There is something about helping out one more child that fires me up every single time.

But it's not really like a fire...as the fire for a child never leaves...Maybe it's more like a belt notch.  Add one more child to my belt... the bigger the belt gets, the more love can fit inside it.

Oh that probably all makes no sense at all...but it makes sense to me.  I know what makes me tick. I just wish I could win lotto so I could just have a house full of kids and not work!

Mary Poppins

From the story of Robertson Ay: "what is the difference between a star and a stone, a bird and a man...no difference at all. A stone is a star that does not shine, a man is a bird that can not fly" 

I know there are a many an argument to a statement that I have not before read any more into. 

But today I read this. 

In every child, there is the opportunity to succeed. In every life there is hope and in every single story of abuse and neglect is a story of potential. 

The stone does not yet shine, the man does not yet fly. That's how I would rewrite the statement.  

Mums are ALWAYS mums.

Mothers day was a day waiting to happen for a wee while.  I act as the mother, but biologically I'm not.  Miss 13 will never see me as her mother.  That was bringing an element of 'annoyance'.  

However, I read a friends blog on Friday that made me reconsider the day.  A blog that helped me to see the day for what it is.  Mothers are mothers, whether or not they still have their children.  Miss 13's mum, is still her mum, regardless of the fact that I am now the parent.  I'm sure given the opportunity again her mum would do things differently.  She still loves her.  And the day was probably bringing a fair amount go angst for her too.

So I let Miss 13 phone her mum.  I don't know what the social worker will say about it, and I don't really care.  The two of them appreciated it like I had never imagined.  I could hear the joy in her mums voice through the phone even though I was some distance away.  They only spoke positives, and I even over heard her mum asking her to wish ME a happy mothers day.  Miss 13 made it clear she wouldn't, but her mum persisted throughout the phone call "they are doing for you what I can not".  

Miss 13 told me when she got off the phone what her mum had asked her to do - but told me she wouldn't!  But it meant a lot that her mum asked to her do it. 

So this mothers day, I'm not getting hung up on the fact that Miss 13 won't acknowledge mothers day with me.  I am getting hung up on the fact that biological mothers are always mothers, and that they deserve the recognition too.  Miss 13s mother has brought to us a truly wonderful girl that I will always be thankful to have in our lives.  

We'll take foster mums day some other time!  Perhaps when we get guardianship we'll call it guardian's day.  

Aim for the moon. Even if you miss you'll land among the stars.

Miss 13 has been talking for awhile about applying for a job.  At a car dealership of all places!  Hey we chase big dreams around here!  Pretty sure it's just cos she has a crush on the guy that works there and sold us our cars.

Today she discovers that there is actually no minimum age to become employed (we'd said it was 14, thinking it was) so she has sat down and written a CV, and cleaned the bathroom to earn enough money to go to the library and print the CV.

She has just convinced Mr 31 to take her down to apply for a job at the local car yard.  I suggested to her printing off a couple of extra copies of her CV as people don't usually get the first job they apply for.  To be open to other options as well.

So off she has gone, with the greatest wish of luck & prepared for disappointment.  I hope for her sake she does get a little job, even a short term one - it will be a fabulous for her as she has never had any dreams about careers.   She thought briefly about being a vet, but having to put animals down put her off that.

The challenge will be getting her a tax number...that needs a guardians signature...and until we are guardians...that is always a little worry.  She can be very convincing though - I'm sure she can talk her mum into anything.

It made a difference to that one.

The starfish story has been stuck in my head for the last couple of weeks. 'I made a difference to that one'. The idea that you can't save them all doesn't make you feel any better when you want to save them all. 

We saw our lawyer for the first time yesterday. We are officially applying to be the parents of Miss 13.  It comes with a new set of challenges. Challenges we know about but still a bit freaky to have them pointed out. You will have to go to court. The biological parents will make accusations against you as their last ditch effort to prove they are able to be parents. There will be no more government department to help make decisions. 

But that's not the hard part. The hard bit is knowing 5/6 of her siblings don't yet have their home for life. Her brother has fabulous caregivers, her little sister thought she had new caregivers for life. But these kids come with such complicated issues that they are going to be hard to place. If the government agency are honest with potential caregivers about their needs. As it is; a little girl is about to have her life tipped upside down again because agencies didn't listen to the people who know her best. Will they be honest though...experience tells us probably not. Which will likely result in yet another break down in home, and another life possibly getting to the point where 'no one wants me' and that feeling sticking around for life. 

So there is the relief that for one child her life will become more stable and permanent ( after a length court process). But saving one starfish feels like a small dent in a monumental problem that I don't feel I have the power to change.