A great little Christmas.

Christmas is a little different once there is a child in the house. It's also a bit different with some air conditioning. 

Miss 12 had her first Christmas Roast, Christmas crackers and more presents than, well, she imagined possible. 

Sadly her mum let her down. The promised phone call was waited for all day, but even a week later the call still hasn't come. We tried calling her but she didn't answer.  However, she made up for it in our family. Christmas isn't the same without someone to argue with. So she picked out my 29 year old brother. He took it well and gave back just as much. 

One unusual moment was when she picked up her sing star microphones 'nana' had given to her and asked me "am I allowed to keep them?"  That's what Christmas presets are for young one! Keeping. 

The joy didn't run dry over the day and she appeared to genuinely have the best Christmas of her life. 

Her birthday immediately follows Christmas, and boy was that full of anticipation... It started straight after opening her Christmas presents. She wasn't disappointed either. Her own cake, presents by the many and her special surprise, a trip to swim with the dolphins. She ultimately proclaimed 'by best birthday ever, and I know it wont be my last.' However as we finished out dinner out and were heading home to bed. 'Mums let me down, again, another broken promise'. That absolutely sucks for a child. She thinks the world of her mum and should not have to make any observations of such. I checked all my messages,  emails and missed calls. Nothing from her. I tried explaining to our now Miss 13 that anything could have happened. Maybe her mum lost the number? She knew better though 'she has known the number for a year... How would she lose it now' I struggled to come up with other excuses. 

It makes me more determined not to let her down! 

On another note this holiday has shown us just how far se has come. Her behaviour has been outstanding, there has been very little, if any, self sabotage to prevent enjoyment. Perhaps the most notable though was her approach to money. No longer does it have to be grasped and held on to tight but it can be parted with. 

Last holidays she barely parted with a cent. This time on arrival I gave her $170 spending money and it was gone within two days! I'm okay with that. She feels secure and safe enough that we will get her home and provide for her. It did lead to a few budgeting discussions though. How to earn money, and how to spend it wisely. Eg. The comparisons between quality and quantity, how many times somethig will be used. She is now earning 25cents a minute to walk the dog. It's peace and quiet well worth paying for! 

Internalise that Stress.

One thing I find ridiculously stressful is moving house.

Once I'm physically in the house I am fine, I don't mind unpacking - in fact I quite enjoy it.  But I hate the anticipation - the planning, the packing, the changing of utilities...

Chuck into that some slightly more complicating factors:

Being a homeowner who needs to cover mortgages and rent at the same time
Moving while not physically in the country.
Moving into a house that isn't actually built yet - with no definite finish date in mind.


Having to move a 12 year old who resents change and copes (well doesn't cope at all) badly with any change.


All of the above factors would be fairly easy to manage in isolation. But having to not speak about those challenges or at the very least keep the stress levels visibly low.  To have to pack a house around a child who would likely have panics around seeing things go into boxes.  It's a pretty big thing to take on!

So instead of stressing verbally - I'll speak my thoughts in writing.

Packing:
I have two options.  Hiring someone to come in and do it once we've left to go overseas.  Or. Two days before we leave while Miss 12 is at school - roping in as many people to come in and do it as possible and try and get it done in the 6 hours she is at school.

One would mean I worry more about the safety of our 'things'. Two would mean Miss 12 coming home and not being in a  very good mood for the remainder 36 hours before we left, and possibly carry that stress into our holiday.

So remove her stress (get it done professionally while away); or remove my stress and do it all myself like I always have because I'm a control freak.

Or combine the two.  Could Mr 31 cope with overseeing things while I'm away...could I let go enough?

Things I do know:
Insurance I can sort over the phone
Phone and internet I can sort over the phone
Power I can sort over the phone.
The cat is booked into a cat jail so that she doesn't have to deal with the stress.
The move will have happened before we get back - we'll just have to move everything upstairs and unpack (that bit doesn't stress me).

Things I don't know:
How will Miss 12 cope.
How will I get things packed when I get so stressed about packing.
When will our house get tenants so that we can actually put an exact date on moving.

Urgh.  Moving is stressful.

That is all

I am sitting at my desk crying as I write this one.

It's Christmas time

There's no need to be afraid

At Christmas time

We let in light and we banish shade

And in our world of plenty

We can spread a smile of joy

Throw your arms around the world

At Christmas time

I learnt something this morning.  Miss 12 and I were singing along to the radio on the way to school, and the new version of "do they know it's Christmas time" came on and I sung away.  Next thing I had goosebumps.  Miss 12 made some comment about me being cold - and I said - no, it's the song.  As I realised it had just done something in me.  I told her it was one of my favourite Christmas songs and it always makes me think. It didn't tell her just how much it made me think. 

Feed the world...let them know it's Christmas time... Something hit me.  I know what Christmas is about now.  As the lead up to Christmas has come we've discovered Miss 12 doesn't really have any traditions.  Each year for Christmas she gets a new pillow for her bed.  But other than that - it's just any other day.  This Christmas we are feeding her not only her first Christmas roast, her wrapped up presents and probably a few badly sung Christmas Carols. We are feeding her traditions that she can carry with her for life.   

It's not going to be an easy Christmas for our family.  It's our first one without a very significant family member. But it's going to be an amazing one. Letting a nearly teenager experience a Christmas of many firsts.  She'll know it's Christmas time.  

It will also be her first Christmas that she doesn't need to be afraid.  No one will get drunk and hurt her. No one will call her names. Siblings won't be pulling her hair or taking her new pillow.  

All of a sudden that is what Christmas is about to me.  I've had real trouble answering the question from people: What do you want for Christmas this year?  I haven't been able to come up with a single thing.  I have said silently in my head "guardianship for Miss 12" but I haven't been able to think of one physical thing I wanted.  Because what I am looking forward to most is seeing a child enjoy Christmas for the first time in their lives.  That's enough present for me this year. 

I am sitting at my desk crying as I write this one.  

12'isms

Miss 12 came home from school swimming sun-burt.  I quizzed her about this and yes, as promised, the school had provided the sunblock.  However, Miss 12 got straight in the water after applying it!  After a quick email to her very young, beginning teacher, a polite email - just letting him know how to be sun-smart - of which he was very grateful.

Miss 12 is one of the only white kids in the class, so was one of the most badly burnt.

From this point I knew it was my job to make sure that Miss 12 was fully informed on how to be sun-smart!  Slip, Slop, Slap!  I told her that now the summer months are coming she needed to be responsible for putting sunblock on every 4 hours, two if she were in the water.  She listened carefully as I explained that she needed to wait 15 minutes before getting in the water after applying the sunblock so that it wouldn't wash straight off.  She nodded and agreed.

She came out from the shower in a bit of pain, and had me apply the aloe-vera.

The next night she came to me to have aloe vera applied, and I noted..."You smell like sunblock...did you actually have a shower?"  "Yeah, I put sunblock on when I got out" she replied. "Why?" I asked.  "Because you told me every four hours in the summer, and I haven't put any on since I left school" she explained.  "You won't get sun-burnt in bed" I laughed.  "but you said I had to put it on every four hours, so I have been putting it on every four hours".  Once my laughter died down, I explained that this was only really important if she was going to be outside - for longer than five minutes.  She didn't need to sunblock to check the mail box or walk to the car, but if she was going outside to play then she needed to put sunblock on, and reapply if she was still outside 4 hours later.

Hopefully I made myself clear!

Then almost a week later - we had a problem with the monkeys. 

Miss 12 "you should shut your window, a bamboo might get it"
Me "What? Huh?"
Miss: "You know - like lions and tigers and bamboos"
Mr31: "Has there been an escape from the zoo I don't know about"
Me: "Do you mean baboon?  We don't have baboons around here you know"
Miss: "No, bamboo, you know, monkeys"
Me: "Yeah, but bamboo is a woody plant, they can't climb in windows"
Miss "No, not the bamboo stick, the bamboo monkey"
Me: "Bamboo is the stick, Baboon is the monkey".
Miss: (with her head slightly to the side) "Oh...no wonder when I google bamboo all I get is sticks".

She won't be kissing boys either...

Mr 31 is investigating a contagious illness at work... and looking into some stuff around that.  Miss 12 asked a few nights ago how you catch said illness.  He told her exchange of bodily fluids.  This morning she asked a few more questions.  Like what bodily fluids actually means.  I said - Blood, saliva, snot...

Miss 12: "eww saliva, can you get said illness from pashing someone"
Me: "Of course, you can get  # and & and ( and @ and * all from just kissing someone"
Miss 12: "omg, i'm never going to pash anyone.
Mr 31: "Don't tell her that"
Me: "shhhh, she just said she'll never pash anyone, shhhh"
Miss 12: "Ewww, I pashed someone when I was 8, I hope I don't have it"
Me: "Nah, you'd know by now, just don't do it again, just in case"

Her family passed a milestone

I am so incredibly happy for Miss 12.  Her family have passed a point.  She has been given her things.  She has now, at home with her - all of her clothes, her favourite blanket and her teddy from when she was a baby.

She has been asking for these things since day one, 8 months and 3 days ago.  She finally has them.

She held up every piece of clothing with pride, popped her blanket in the wash and went to bed really 'satisfied' with life.  There was a happiness in her I haven't seen before, and I can't really describe it.

For so long now, everything in her life has been "new" a new home, a new family, new clothes, new 'toys'.  But now she has a bit of her history with her too.

What is even more important, to me anyway, not to her - is that her family have let go - just a little bit.  Some of the battle must be over if they are willing to part with her things.

But can I afford not to?

I don't really know what I put in the last blog.  And unlike usual I'm not going back to read it so I don't repeat myself. I'm just gonna say what's on my mind.

We had an absolutely lovely young lady of 14 with us for 10 days.  She was a pleasure.  Very respectful and helpful.  Who knows what would have happened when the honeymoon period settled down - but who cares either? It didn't happen.  I had quite a bit of self realisation in that time.

The realisation was how much I actually wanted to be doing fostering.  It's certainly not something you go into for the recognition, or the money or any other reason people may choose a job.  It's because when it comes down to it - that's what you want to be doing.  I thought to myself over the week...could I do this...more of it... more kids - like give up my job and look after other peoples kids for less than it costs to pay my mortgage.  Yeah I could.  But would it be the same? Not really sure...how many kids come and go before you can't remember a name, or an age, or a care plan detail.   I want them to know they have somewhere safe to run when they feel the need to run. How do I juggle that with the want to help everyone?

How did Miss 14 teach me these things? I had to give her back.  The ultimate goal in foster care is reunification with the first family.  I support that 100%.  Some parents need a bit of a helping hand and time out to get life back in control.  Not everyone can be expected to know how to 'parent' the day children enter their lives. But Miss 14 didn't go back to her family, and it's unlikely that she ever will.  But she has gone to live with a family who she can be with for as long as she wants - and she knows she'll always have a safe place to run if things don't work out.  Why not keep her then I hear you ask? She was perfectly behaved, got along well with Miss 12, helped out, family weren't going to cause any trouble.  Because the children have to come first.  We have committed to Miss 12.  What is most important to her is feeling loved, accepted and like she belongs.  We made a decision very early on that Miss 12 wouldn't share a bedroom.  A night here or there is okay, but any more than 10 days is taking away her sense of ownership.  She needs to own something. Even if the only thing Miss 12 really owns is her space.

Miss 12 won't go back to her family either, and as it so happens we probably won't be saying farewells any time soon.  In fact Miss 12 meets with a children's lawyer tonight to talk about the long term future and how that is going to look, as a part of our family.  Where her first family fit in and when she'll get to see them.

How will I juggle the future...helping out one or two.  Two or four.  Own children, mortgages?  I haven't made any decisions - and lets face it - they're not just my decisions to make. Mr 31 and Miss 12 are an important part of those decisions.  However, we are going to look at a bigger house this coming weekend.  There is a balance of what I "want" and what we'll "need" if we are going to make a bigger comittment to foster care.  5 bedrooms. One for us, one for Miss 12, one as a guest room, and one as a 'foster' room.  The guest room will double as a foster room too I'm sure.  One room - a second lounge, a rumpus room...somewhere all the games and dvds and books can go. Somewhere that people can just go and 'be'.  What we want - nice, clean, tidy, newish.  Well...in this case - brand new...it's not even finished being built yet.  What else? I think it's time to stop planning for the future and take it as it comes.

Can we afford to combine our wants and needs?  Hard to say.  But can I afford not to?

It's hard letting go

It's not even time to let go yet and I'm feeling sad.  Miss 14 will move on on Monday.  She has been given a home with a couple who have two other teenage girls that attend the school that she will be attending.  She loved it here, and we loved having her.  Just isn't quite the right time for us and Miss 12.  Moving toward permanency with Miss 12, we need to have her settled so that she takes the process well. We also have a house far too small for two teenagers.  They're sharing a single room at the moment.

In saying that, it's made me realise that we can't just stop at one.  Our house will always be a home for kids who need somewhere to call home.  Be it for a few days, a few weeks or a few years, or forever.  We are looking now at moving.  The sooner the better really.  We are cramped here.  It's hard to keep a house tidy when you have enough stuff for a four bedroom house in a two bedroom house.  It is so much easier to stay put.  But it is so much harder to do for kids what you really want to be doing for them.  It's also much harder to find room to put new purchases.

Not one kid we have had has been 'naughty' for us.  Yeah normal teenage attitude at times - but nothing naughty.  We have had four children with us within the last year...we must be due for a challenge?

No matter who the kid is, i love them and want the best for them. I can't help it.  Miss 14 will still come and visit us once a month as per her transitional agreement, to give time out to her long term caregivers.

Stunned at how fast things went for her.  Miss 12 has been fighting it for nearly a year now to gain some permanency, Miss 14 gets hers 9 days after coming into care.  It is sad her mum let go so easily, but it is nice for her that she can just move on.

Some things are sad.

You know when you go into foster care that some kids have had hard backgrounds.  You know that they don't have it easy, are neglected or abused. Stuff that makes your skin crawl when you think about it.

Miss 14 came to us yesterday afternoon.  While collecting her from the agency office and filling out a care plan her clothes arrived.

One bag of clothes and one of books.  Interesting combination.  When she was asked what clothes were in the bag she said Jerseys.  We had a look and sure enough all her mum had given her was jerseys.  Well that's not really good enough is it says social worker and I.  That's all I have at mums house says Miss 14.  Well where are all your clothes.  I have some at a friends place, I stay there some times.

When we got to the friends house, she grabbed a pair of ripped pants and was on the way.  They were bundled in a ball and the social worker asked her "is that all you need" she responded with 'yes'.

She got into my car at this point, and I said, are you sure that is going to be enough? She said it was.  So I said, I take it you've got undies and stuff wrapped up in those pants.  Nope, she tells me - just pants.

Well, we'll go back in then. You'll need undies, a bra, a clean t-shirt, something to sleep in.  This is all I have she said.  Suddenly everything fell into place and I jumped out of the car before the social worker had time to drive off.

"I don't think Miss 14 has any clothes"  Social worker questions me with her facial expressions.  I elaborate.  She has what she is wearing, three jerseys and a pair of pants.  She doesn't have any underwear.  We look at each other in shock just for a few minutes, the smells sinking into place.

She phones her supervisor with the "I don't know what to do here, this hasn't happened to me before..." Supervisor is visiting the mum and confirms there are no more clothes in Miss 14's bedroom.

THey're umming and ahhhing, not really sure what they can do about getting a money order at 6pm on a friday night.  I'll buy some I said, I'll keep the receipts, you guys can sort it out next week.  They umm and ahhh a little bit more. They're not allowed to approve spending without their bosses permission.  A couple more phone calls and I had permission to spend up to $100. Get the basics to last the weekend. We'll look into things more on Monday.

So we've done a bit of shopping.  Undies, bra, shorts, 2 t-shirts a nighty and some socks. She is overjoyed at her new clothes.  Now smelling delightful and clean.   Today the four of us went to a great big op shop for a few treats.  We made it seem like just something we were doing anyway.  But Miss 14 did get her very own pair of shoes.  She hasn't taken them off yet.

Feeling pretty sad for her.  There is an awful lot of other stuff going on.  But that's enough for now.  Her and Miss 12 are due back from the supermarket shortly.  So glad they are getting along well.

Miss 14

A beautifully pleasant addition to our family is Miss 14. Sitting in a cafe waiting for food so can't write much. She gets along great with Miss 12. She'll be another hard one to let go of!

The five finger countdown.

I had to count backward from five today.  I don't like having to ask someone more than three times to do as they are asked!

Master 8 needed to have his shower so he could go to bed on time tonight.  He has a big day tomorrow.  Starts the day with us, gets collected by his social worker. Finds out he has been kicked out of school. Likely going to a new home too.  Hopefully his family will agree to have him back - at least til he is settled into a new school!

Miss 12 has had her patience wear thin a few times.  Master 8 tries far too hard to impress, and definitely doesn't impress her.  He is the best at everything, and Miss 12 thinks thats ridiculous.  However, despite her moments of frustration, she is doing well.  Still managing to run around and play with him - slightly enjoying the child company she has missed so much over the last 7 months.

Today we went to the park for a picnic and some cricket.  I was the only one who lost to the sunshine and am paying for it with burning red skin now.  Such an irresponsible parent!  Who forgets sunscreen on a hot sunny day?!

Came home to do the house work and everyone pitched in. Miss 12 did it all in her stride, as she has learnt so incredibly well to do.  Master 8 didn't question the joining in - just copied the rest of us.  He picked jobs that were a bit hard for him, which meant Mr 31 had to aid in completing those jobs.

Who knows what the future holds for Master 8.  I can only hope that whatever the future holds, someone continues to nurture that intelligence!  He is a little genius.  Such a strong desire to learn.  Knows things about the world I'd never even thought about.  I don't think his time here was an unpleasant time for him, but I hope he remembers it with fond memories and not anger about the unpredictable phase of his life.

How to help foster kids without fostering.

http://foster2forever.com/2014/05/help-foster-child-family.html#_a5y_p=1592612

I could add quite a few things to this list...mostly...

If you hear of a new kid in foster care...See what clothes you have in their size.

Miss 12 is a little genius!

This blog post is a little out of order as other things - like Master 8 - took my mind off some pretty cool stuff Miss 12 achieved this week.

She has been with us 7.5 months.  6 months ago she had her Reading Comprehension tested and scored in the 'below average' range.  In fact, she scored 'below average' in all topics.  She has just had her end of year testing and she got "above average" for reading comprehension and "average" for maths and vocabulary.  We are just incredibly proud of her and the effort she has been putting in at school lately.  She spends hours doing reading and maths homework (voluntarily...it's above and beyond what is set for her).  Her hard work has paid off! She is doing so well. I hope she wins an award at her end of year 8 prize giving! She must be in the running for Most Improved all rounder.

I certainly don't take the credit for her progress.  She has an amazing teacher who she absolutely adores.  She loves school, and in herself has found the desire to be successful.  I even heard university mentioned the other day!

AND

She was given the choice of high schools to attend and chose the best she could have.  She has chosen our local high school which has an excellent reputation and excellent success rates.  It has the ugliest uniform, but even with holding that opinion quite strongly - she still chose the school.  The second closest one has no uniform...and she still chose the best.

She had an interview with the principal last week, and she has her entry testing next week.  High school - here we come!

The need to impress

It must be hard for kids.  Fullstop really.  It must be harder for those whose future is so uncertain.  For a child, with every statement, there is a trumps.  With every game there is a loser.

For a permanant foster parent there is a need to constantly reassure your Miss 12 that, yes, she is our life.  Yet balance it with letting Master 8 know that he is fully welcome and a part of our family for now.

Miss 12
It's taken a bit of a toll on Miss 12. She hasn't said so.  But she is judging.  Asking for compliments in a round about way.  Finding ways to send Master 8 off to do something that doesn't involve being around all the time.

It took a bit of a toll on me today.  Miss 12 wanted to spend $1 of her pocket money on a chocolate bar.  I told her if she wanted to do that she had to put it in a bag and save it until he wasn't around.  It's not fair to eat it in front of him.  She couldn't understand this, it's her money - she should be allowed to spend it if she wants to.

Now I could have bought one for him - but then that wouldn't have been fair on her.  I could have let her buy the chocolate bar, but that wouldn't have been fair on him (he doesn't have pocket money!) so I had to take it as a learning opportunity.  How would you like it if we went out and I brought an ice-cream for myself and didn't offer you one?  She didn't respond.  But I think she realised.  She reluctantly put the chocolate bar back.

It's hard because I want to be nice to her, reassure her.  But I think back to something the psychologist told us.  Sometimes too much reassurance feeds anxiety. Her anxiety is being loved and accepted unconditionally by us.  I want to feed that sometimes.

I've made sure to give them both some individual attention.  Her a little more than him (yesterday it was him a little more than her) and she seems to have settled again for now.

Master 8
He doesn't know what his future holds.  He knows his family don't want him back.  Probably for his own good.  What is sad is that he feels the need to be anyone but himself.  

When he is being himself he is quite lovely (although, incredibly talkative! Exhaustingly!) however he puts on such a show.  He has been everywhere, man.  He has everything.  He has been on carnival rides that he isn't tall enough for!  He has a gazillion friends.

He gets along well with people, has a tremendous giggle.  It's hard to every see that this 8 year old is capable of destroying 2 classrooms and having such fits of anger that he harms everyone in his way...

He looks up to Miss 12.  Really wants to impress her too!  I guess she is pretty good looking!

'it's a boy'

We had a phone call while driving home today.  We need an urgent placement for an 8 year old.  Okay, what's the deal? Okay,  boy or girl? Okay, are we likely to be injured by violence?  Yeah alright, we'll turn around now and come and get him.

And that's how we have Master 8.  Master 8 has settled in very quickly.  Yabbering away.  A little (not so little) bundle of knowledge.  He knows all of his times tables - I know, I've heard them recited. Knows about the moon cycles.  How gravity works.  Yup - he is a smarty.

But he destroyed a classroom at his school last week, and hurt a teacher.  He did it again today and his family won't take him back.  Cyfs were involved anyway - he has been staying with his aunt for awhile now.

We don't know much else.  But he has never shown violence outside of the classroom setting.  It's certainly going to be an interesting process - he's been kicked out of school and there are no plans for Monday yet.  There is a lot of history of drugs/violence/abuse in the family but we don't know exactly what relate to him.

Miss 12 has been fabulous. Incredibly patient and understanding.  She had said quite constantly up until today that there were to be no other children.  But she said yes to this one before I even had a chance.  She is leading by example and I'm incredibly proud of her.

The energy is intense!

We got little miss a new bed that arrived earlier this week.  There were two main reasons - she is growing! A lot!  About 20cm taller than she was 7 months ago.  Her feet were right at the end of the single bed she had, and had no up and down wriggle room.  She has also been complaining of a sore back for about three weeks now - every morning.

The bed she had was a handed down...and probably handed down before that.  As a back sleeper, I found it pretty comfortable.  But from my own experience in that bed - get on your front and you'd may as well be a banana.

I looked on line at second hand beds... Granted there were a lot of hardly used ones out there - but the problem with second hand is you can't lie on them for awhile and see how they feel.

So we bought her a new bed.  A king single...so there is plenty of wriggle room - both up and down and left to right.  There is a trundler bed underneath for when her little sister or a friend comes to stay - that folds out in to a proper king single too - A real innersprung full sized mattress!  And when she is older the two go side by side nicely and make a king bed.

We were going to wait until we got guardianship and were sure she wouldn't be whipped off somewhere else.  But as things are looking pretty stable at the moment, and her back was playing up we went with it.  This kid deserved a good night sleep.

And clearly - a good night sleep she has been getting.  The energy is incontainable!  I swear - bouncing, literally. And her mouth...woah! Who knew there was this energy being prevented by a good nights sleep!  Hopefully it will settle down a little once she is used to the good nights sleep!  Last night I actually had to say "please, stop just for five minutes"  she did...well, for four and a half minutes anyway.

She has finally chosen a school.  My preferred school for her.  It took a long time for her to come to that decision...but didn't want to push her - she had to feel as though she had made a decision in her life.  Thankfully, she chose the best school in the area, within walking distance from home.  We have an enrolment interview in a week - which should be fine - we are zoned for the school so can't anticipate any problems.

I call it success.

No meltdowns. No grass is greener on the other side type comments. A family visit that finished positively not dangerously (emotionally). 

Little miss was fabulous after her sister went home yesterday and had a fabulous morning today. A little moody this afternoon but so am I knowig my long weekend is nearly over. 

This afternoon she said to me 'bonding time, let's watch a movie and paint each other's nails'. This was a new phrase in our house but went with it. My nails look average, but for the sake of love I'll let them stick for a couple of days. 

Little miss and littler miss

Little miss has her little sister staying this weekend. And if all goes well it will become a more regular occurance. Littler miss has been very hard work for her caregivers, and with several of their own children some time out was desperately needed. We were asked by the social worker if we would be in a position to give regular respite. 

With a little hesitation and lots of discussion we said we would give it a go. It is a fabulous opportunity for both of the girls to stay connected with their family in a safe and supervised way. 

Supervised became the key word quite quickly. As of course there was a very clear reason they are in care in the first place. A lack of parenting skills also leads to a lot of undesirable habits handed into the kids. 

Not least of which is the bullying. We knew little miss had a tendency to be not so nice toward others. We knew littler miss had been displaying some quite aggressive behaviours toward others. But the two of them together has resulted in a lot of needless - and at times potentially harmful, bullying. Usually about apparence. 

That as kids though there is clear love between the girls. Little miss won't let littler miss out of sight. Seeig it as her duty to protect and guide her. 

In someways this is good. It is helping her understand the 'rules' of life a little better; helping her see that rules exist for a reason. Helping her see that getting told off isn't the worst thing ever and just a necessity when all else fails. 

But sadly, the pressure she puts on herself is overwhelming. A child of 12 doing the job of an adult. It stresses her, it upsets her and she can verbally lash out when littler miss doesn't do as she is asked. She has automatically reverted into the relationship she was expected to have when they lived together. Littler Miss doesn't like it much either. A few times telling little miss to leave her alone them coming to either myself or my partner for what she needed. Showing that really, she wants adults in her life giving some control to her life. 

Little miss doesn't like being told what to do. So hasn't dealt with that so well. But as the day has gone on. She had been learning. 

With guidance she is letting go of some responsibilities. Letting her out of her sight. She still gave her her shower and helped her dress. But let me read the goodnight story, only poking her head around the corner twice in the ten minutes it took me to read Dr Suess' Bedtime Story. 

Tomorrow will be interesting. How will the girls cope when they are seperated again. Will they cope with regular visits and seperations. Will we get the opportunity to help these two form sister love over a longer period of time. To reinforce the lessons they have just began to learn. I hope so. Littler miss is adorable. 

She's come along way.

Miss 12 will have been with us 7 months tomorrow.  It seems as well that as we approach that 7 month mark we have a new child.  A child who is quite different to how she was when she arrived on our doorstep with only a school bag and a lunchbox.

That mad dash to the shop to buy undies for the next day.  Trying to convince her that it was okay to have something to eat.  Responding to the statement "Just be warned, I don't know how to be good".   It makes me a little emotional to think about how broken and lost she was only 7 months ago.

Things have changed considerably recently.  She has become okay with the reality that she will never return to her family. That her hopes that had been built up by the social welfare agency would be broken down again.  A change in social worker that helped her see the reality for what it was (She didn't like the social worker to start with but is getting to understand now that truth is better than false lies and hope).  She has accepted that staying with us until she is 17 (in her eyes she will leave on her 17th birthday and return to her family) is her future.  She is good with that too!  I had a bad day at work yesterday - some boy being an egg!  Her response - "you should let me deal with him - no one is gonna treat you like that"  I let the treat of violence drop - she was being protective of me.  We'll deal with that violence issue again another day!

We took her on a two week road trip holiday with a friend of hers.  She really figured how close she was to us in this time.  She had no shame about holding my hand as she walked somewhere, taking our side if her friend was naughty.  Over heard once to say "Don't you talk about them like that, they're my family".  She'd never admit it to our face.

She has said "love you guys" once as she was falling asleep.  And to me several times since.  It's far too soon to expect her to identify any love for my other half - he is a man! That's wrong! Her words. We know her history though - that's not going to happen for some time.

She officially proposed to me.  Spending her pocket money on a bunch of flowers, she downed on one knee and said "Will you be my legal guardian".

She is still very attached to her family, but mostly in words.  She doesn't really follow through with the actions.  She loves them dearly, and holds such a commitment to them that she would never betray them.  She tells us very clearly, quite often, that we aren't her family, we can't be, and she will go to her family when she turns 17.

Her most recent access visit with her family ended well.  There wasn't the normal sulking and tantrum throwing, negative self talk and violence threats.  She just came home and got on with things.  Fingers crossed this is going to last. If it does, she may even be allowed to have sleep overs and her mums.

Her little sister is coming to stay this weekend.  Hopefully that goes well.  It's to provide a bit of respite to her caregivers, however - both of the kids think it's just to give them a chance to see each other. If it goes successfully we will take her one weekend a month.  Will get back to you on that one!

What a week!

I haven't been able to write - things have been full on.

Little Miss got told last week that she could not ever return to her family.  This has resulted in lots of things.

A lot of defensiveness about her family and hating us - right through to disclosure of abuse and excitement about a potential future.

The behaviors have been surprisingly good (other than that first 12 hours where the shock had hold on her).  She has been polite and lovely most of the time. trying really hard to make good choices.  She doesn't like boundaries and is really struggling with the fact that they are the new reality of life.  Kinda sees us as the bad guys for making her do things.  She has it pretty good actually - she just doesn't quite see it that way yet.

But we've just had a bad 12 hours. We don't really know why... possibly saw someone from her family yesterday - it was the kind of behavior we generally get after access with them.  We'll probably never know.  Moody, attitude, all those things.  Part of me is TGIF...the other part of me is "no...not the weekend!"

Thing things that you don't know you don't know.

Trying to work out what to watch on TV last night, and there was a documentary on about the Sept 11 terrorist attacks on the twin towers.

Other half turns to me "we don't need to see another documentary on Sept 11 do we?" "nah, probably not..I think we've seen enough - maybe on Sept 11 we can watch one". Miss 12 "Why is there a documentary about the 11th of September?"  "Because that's when the twin towers got crashed into by the planes." I naively respond - thinking that would settle the discussion.  "Oh we should watch that movie" States Miss 12... "It's not a movie, it's real life...have you never heard of the Sept 11 attacks on the twin towers" It appears not - no.

So we sit down to watch the documentary.  Miss 12 is full of interesting questions, about war, about terrorism...about what the heck actually happened.  Granted she wasn't born yet - but how has she been through 12 years of life and 8 years of school not hearing about this?!

At one point there was a very priceless question.  "So how come the terrorists here don't do that". I respond: "Well, we don't really have terrorists here, and our security is pretty good - so even if they have a go at blowing something up they'll likely get caught."  "how come they just let them walk around and stuff" She asks...  "Well, we don't really know which ones are terrorists until they try something bad.  But we have lots more security now than back then - you know how when we went to Australia we got xrayed.  They never used to do that."  Next question "So their backpacks get scanned too".  "Yeah of course" I reply "They all do".

"Man" she says "Next time I see them terrorists walking around with their back packs on I'm gonna tell them off".  What - you can't you won't know, I question.  "Yeah, they come off planes and boats and stuff and walk around with their sunhats and backpacks."

OHHH Tourists.  We're on different words little one...let me explain the difference!

What a week

It's been just over a week now, since Miss 12 had her world tipped upside down again.  This time getting the idea given to her that she would go back into the care of her mum.

She never quite got given the right story, only her mums story.  What was actually happening is that her mum would be undergoing another parental assessment.  That parental assessment isn't looking so good.

So where does that leave things, in a couple of weeks time, once everything is finalised, miss 12 is going to have her dreams shattered once again.  She is going to go into a home for life.  She just doesn't know it yet, and neither does her mum.  Her mum was given all the warnings in the world...she just gets it in her head that all she has to do is a 'parenting assessment' and everything will be okay again.  She understands wrong - and then gives that wrong understanding the to the children.

Unfortunately since Miss 12 was told she is going home, her behaviour has been horrendous.  All part of the up and down nature of what's going on really.  Guess it's gonna get worse in two weeks.

The influence of her family (possibly not her mum!) has seen her saying all sorts of things about herself that make her self esteem - useless.  She has been calling herself fat, ugly, dumb, naughty...lost aspirations that had taken us months to build up in her.

Hopefully some of these come back again once the daily contact has ended...(the daily contact was to assess how well her mum coped with her and her sister together).  I want her to see her mum and have fun with her - it just isn't working.  So sad.  She'll blame us too...as we are the ones who had to report the change in her attitude and behaviour.

I'm so annoyed!

On Monday of this week, Miss 12's social worker returned from holiday.  Now may I point out while her social worker has been on holiday she has been excellently behaved! The social worker filling in wasn't her 'mate' but her social worker.  Now original social worker is back - cue the tantrums and sulks! Seriously - how does one social worker have such an impact!

Aside from that, aside from the fact Miss 12 was just getting used to the fact she wouldn't be returning to her family - Miss Social Worker filled her in that all hope was not lost yet - she may still get to live with her mum (who she was taken off three years ago...she has been with her aunty since).  Now mum isn't an overly desirable option.  Give her a chance sure...but give her the chance to prove she can meet the requirements before getting Miss 12's hopes up.

Now that Miss 12's hopes are up...she has lost the idea of getting comfortable with the impending life changes.  Gone back to some of the behaviours we were seeing at the start, that we've worked through and helped her develop strategies to get around those behaviours.

Next thing, Miss Social Worker asks for my opinion on whether or not Miss 12 should be allowed to attend the meeting with her family about the future.  No way!  She is very emotionally involved in every decision, and suffers considerably after any of these conversations. To put her in on one of these conversations - would be detrimental not only to her behavior - but her sense of belonging and wellbeing!

My opinion wasn't that important though. Today we hear - "I've decided to let her go to the meeting, I will pick her up from school".  Awesome. Just bloody awesome.  You'll sit there with her through the meeting.  Then hang out with her for a bit afterward and talk about how you are doing the best for her, buy her a take out lunch, give her a hot chocolate - and then give her back to us to deal with the consequences later.

The social worker causing us these concerns is leaving in two weeks.  But unfortunately most of the big decisions are going to be made within the next two weeks.  I really don't trust her social workers judgement...I hope there are others advising her today.

She has come such a long way.

I noticed a few things this weekend.

First: Miss 12 got excited about doing the housework.  In fact..she drove it.  Made sure we all know what we were doing and how we had to do it.  Slipped in a job for herself that she'd never done before so that I could show her how (pulling the weeds from the front garden...okay, it ain't quite a housework chore...but close enough).  Even went out of her way to sabotage my zone so that her zone looked better.  Competitive much?

Second: It's been well over a week since a major meltdown. Now obviously I'm not deluded into thinking it will never happen again. It's just an absolute achievement to last so long.

Third: I was talking to her teacher, who explained that Miss 12 has changed her friend group.  Like completely.  No more clinging to the naughty/cool kids.  And now hanging out with the good/cool kids.  What an achievement!

Forth: She wants to learn.  Mentioned by her teacher, but also noticed by me.  She is asking us to explain things to her that she doesn't understand.  Sometimes anyway! Sometimes she still argues her point.

Fifth:  Something she pointed out.  Yesterday she asked me; "do you think I've changed? Do you think I have been thinking more carefully about the way I talk about other people?"  yes...yes I do!  It's been ages since we've had to ask you to reconsider the way you might put a statement!

There is always a next step...but lets take today to notice the progress.

Notice the funny bits too.

We are renovating the bathroom.  One wall got ripped out yesterday.  This morning she says to me: I really don't like the new wall.  Me: Neither, I think it will take some getting used to  (at this point I was still joking and thought she was joking).  Her: Do you think maybe you should tell Mr.Other? How could you say it nicely without upsetting him? Me: Hmm, I think I'll just tell him that I don't think I like it and could we try a different new wall.  Her: But how will he put it up there, he's already taken the wall out.  Me: I guess we'll have to wait and see!

Didn't tell her that ripping the plasterboard off is just the first step - will let her learn that over the next fortnight!

Poor little sausage

When we picked Miss 12 up from the 'office' last night, she was inconsolable.  Bawling her eyes out.  The 'new social worker' whose name we don't even know yet - that's how well informed we are.  Told her that she would never be returning to her family.

I'm super confused about this. 1. because the decision wasn't supposed to be made until November. 2. Since when did she have a new social worker.  3. Why the bloody hell didn't they give us a heads up.

She is vulnerable enough without having to get in the car and say "I don't know where I'll live". clearly no options had been suggested to her by new social worker.  Poor girl thought she was going to have to find a new home on her own! Fairly certain that if you tell a 12 year old she will never be allowed to live with her family again - she should also be told that she will be looked after and a safe and loving home will be found for her!

Obviously we want to jump in and say - don't worry -you can stay with us forever if you need to.  But it ain't that simple!  We aren't authorized home for life caregivers (yet...we could be) for one.  Secondly - as much as we love her and want to provide for her we are stuck with a pretty big problem.  A house.

We live in a little two bedroom flat at the moment, that is barely big enough for the two of us, let alone a nearly teenager.  Not to mention wanting our own kids in a year or so.

If we had her room empty - we'd be able to have kids whether or not we could afford a bigger house.
If we had a bigger house - we'd have room to move and it wouldn't be a difficult decision at all.
If we had an extra 50k - yeah rediculous - banks are asking for 20% deposit these days (only have about 10k equity in current house - maybe a tad more depending what it sells for).  We'd be able to buy a bigger house.

It sounds selfish to think - well, what if we can't keep her cos we won't be able to fit her in when babies come along.  She is our baby anyway! It was only the day before that my other half said "I actually couldn't imagine not having Miss 12 here with us now" With a smile on his face as she pushed some funny little argument she was determined to win.

The question hasn't even been raised with us by the agency.  The agency probably hasn't even thought about what next steps.  I know one thing for sure - we have put a hell of a lot of work in to helping this young girl find her place in the world - if that gets ruined because an organisation can't be organised - then I will be wild.

Basically - if we won lotto tomorrow there wouldn't be a question in my mind.  Hell, I would only need Keno probably - 50k would do it.  50k would give us the house we need to give her a home for life.  Or do we need to look at sacrifices.  What can we sacrifice in order to give her the home she considers second best (hey, we'd never want first...she should want to be with her biological family).

In the meantime we need to focus on keeping her sane, letting her know she is never going to be homeless, knowing that we aren't going to take her back, drop her on the doorstep of said agency - and say - time for the next people on your list to take a turn.  How do you reassure her everything is going to be okay - when actually - they aren't okay. No 12 year old should have to go through the worry of where she'll live.

15 minutes...worth a watch

http://www.ted.com/talks/lemn_sissay_a_child_of_the_state

A hard decision.

Usually Thursdays are a bit tough - but that starts about half way home.  Today, when we picked her up - she already wasn't talking.

When we got home she asked us to sit down in the lounge so she could talk to us about something.  She then said "I have a difficult decision to make. I have to decide whether I want to see my dad."

Woah.  Tough call for a little miss!  She has never had anything positive to say about her dad - but why would she - her mother has formed her opinion.  I've heard her mother do it.

As we said to her - we can't make that decision for you...but we can listen to you as you talk through the reasons why you should or should not.  She couldn't actually give us any reasons either way.  She doesn't know. She doesn't know where to even start thinking.

Trying not to lead her I asked some questions.  She couldn't even really answer them.

I think she should meet her dad.  She was very little when she last saw him.  Yes, he is gang associated. Yes, he is not good for her.  But she should make the decision on what he is like for herself - even if that is a painful experience. Otherwise she'll always wonder.

I think that she doesn't want to meet him - but feels she should to support her littler siblings.  

How do I help her make a decision - without putting my influence on it? I guess that's something I'll have to figure out!  

It can be a battle to stay positive.

Miss 12 is, most of the time, a pleasure.  But, some of the time, very hard to stay patient with.  The last couple of mornings she has been up and ready for school before I'm even out of bed.  Good on her, positive way to start the day.

Yet both the last two days, on the way to school she has found something to get in a grump about.  Really silly things both times and flicked into silent treatment.  Not that that's such a bad thing - I like quiet mornings!  But really frustrating as I just want to shake her and say "that's not how you solve your problems".  Of course I don't, I keep calm and ignore.  The internet was right - ignoring her is the best way to make the behavior go away.  I just wish it wouldn't happen in the first place.

She is trying really hard to be good.  Has asked several times over the last couple of weeks "Am I being good?" So I know she is making an effort and becoming much more aware of her behaviour.  That in itself is huge and I should be grateful.  I'd just be so much more grateful if she didn't sulk when she didn't get her own way.

She did something 'wrong' last week. Minor if you ask me, I don't think accidents should be punished.  She owned up to it the next day (before we'd even noticed) and later said... I was scared to tell you - I thought you'd hit me.  What?!  We have never raised a hand, or even threatened to raise a hand!?! Memories of the past probably - yet she swears black and blue she was never hit.

Figured out yesterday that she has been sneaking in visits with her family before school.  I doubt the agency have even picked up on this - they only see what they want to see.  Her social worker is away at the moment, so no point in us bringing it up until she is back.  I always wondered how long she'd take to figure out her family lived across the road from school and there was no way to stop her! I don't think she had deliberately gone out of her way to see them... but maybe they have gone out of their way to be at their letterbox and around the time the bus comes!

Today is Thursday.  Usual access with her family day - so anticipate a little moodiness! At least we know to prepare for Thursdays now!

Can you teach it?

In my line of work I teach people to do stuff. It’s pretty easy. It’s hard to get them to want to learn sometimes, but the actual teaching part is easy (once you’ve done it for a few years anyway). But it isn’t so easy when you have to teach something you instinctively know. When you have to try and explain something you’ve never had to understand. Empathy and responsibility for ones own actions. Understanding how the choices you make, impact upon others. It’s so easy to say “that’s not how you talk to someone” or “who did that effect?” but to know what those things mean, you actually need to have an understanding of emotion. You need to know about cause and effect. You need to know that the way things are said aren’t necessarily how they are heard. Little Miss is a bully. She knows it. Her teachers know it. But she doesn’t really know what bully means. She’s been called a bully – but doesn’t actually know what it is she does that causes her to be a bully. She has a disagreement with a girl at school – so calls her a fat bitch and slaps her. What’s wrong with that? She asks. “it hurts her” I respond. “no it doesn’t…I didn’t hit her hard” she exclaims. How do you explain to a child who has never been taught right from wrong – the power of her actions? We don’t know either?! But we are getting closer to finding out. Through trial and error mainly. But what we have learnt is we can’t use the situation she is currently in to show how people are affected. What does work is using our own situations, and modelling out loud our thoughts. So when we have a bad day – we have to say out loud. “George told me I didn’t get my work in on time, this made me feel really stupid. I suppose he only told me because it meant he then couldn’t get on with his own work” Or “Today I told Gemma to shut up. I shouldn’t have said it, she was just trying to be energetic. What other ways do you think I could have asked her to be quiet without making her feel stink?” Over time we’ve moved into. You just told me “nah”. That makes me feel sad…what other way could you have told me you don’t want to do your homework. That’s not as easy as it sounds – ‘sad’ also has to be explained when the only emotions you can identify are anger and happiness. Now these approaches aren’t foolproof. And more often than not we don’t feel as though we are making progress. However there have been some glimpses of ‘wow it’s really working”. Recently when talking to my other half on the way home, I mentioned my disgust in a known person leaving their partner while she was in the hospital with their new born baby. The situation was slightly more complex than that. However, what’s important here is the way Miss 12 responded. “Wow, I wonder how that made his mum feel.” I felt at overwhelming sense of pride. That, was empathy! This was the first indication to me that she really was learning to think about how actions have an effect. That people are hurt or lifted by the actions we take. It was two days later when she said to me. “you know that mum…how is she doing. Do you think she needs anything.” I shed a wee tear. I never told her that. I probably should have. She should probably also know that when we show respect for the way other people feel it can make them feel really good too.

More recently, she had been contemplating a situation where a young baby was born with no sight or hearing. It’s obviously played on her mind a lot – as she asked over the weekend just gone. “If I was blind and deaf, would you still have taken me.” I got a bit hit by this question. Was she questioning my love for her…or was she questioning my tolerance of the unique needs the baby she knows of has been born with. I couldn’t answer…and although it were only a few seconds a million thoughts ran through my head. My answer was no, but I couldn’t explain it. I didn’t know why my answer was no.

Thankfully, my other half responded in the moment of silence. “at the moment, we are not equipped to look after a child with needs that would require special attention” A 12 year old child who couldn’t see or hear wouldn’t be able to find their way around your bedroom for a start! You’d have to learn about lots of different things she said. How to look after me, how to talk to me, it would have a pretty big effect on your life. She talked about the things the young family would be needing to learn and the changes they’ be making in their own lives. She had been thinking about it. She had been thinking about others feelings and the effects a situation can have on a life. So the answer is yes, yes you can teach it. Yes, you can teach empathy.

Ownership.

When I moved into my house 2 and a bit years ago - it was yellow.  Yellow walls, yellow skirtings...yellow cupboards....yellow, yellow, yellow.

The first thing I did was paint.  The kitchen, the bathroom and the living room.  I never did get around to the bedrooms or the hallway - but it's always been in the back of my mind that it had to be done.

While watching House Rules (I'm a sucker for reality TV) Little Miss piped up around about once a week "I want to paint my bedroom".  I kept saying "one day".  Partly because I couldn't be bothered going to get the paint, other part because I knew it had to be done.

Unfortunately the final aired while we were away.  So we sat down and watched the last week in one long run.  Well the bug got stired up not only in me, but in little miss. About half an hour before the winners were announced (our favourites...just as well...) I said "Do you want to paint your bedroom this afternoon?"  Of course there was an overwhelming resounding 'yes'. I wished very quickly I had kept my mouth shut til the end of the programme as I quickly lost enthusiasm.  But we did.

We headed off to Resene, stocked up on paint - I said she could choose what colours - as long as I agreed with them.  So in other words - keep the house sell-able...I don't want to have to repaint it when I sell it.

She actually picked really well.. The main walls the same colour as I had used throughout the rest of the house...with some splashes of colour.  Here's what we came up with...Sort of.

We have the walls done... Need to buy some green paint for those finishing touches!

She got the hang of it - took a wee while...probably shouldn't have started with the wall that had a window...

She got a bit grumpy at me telling her what to do...but enjoyed herself...Even asked us to set time limits so we'd know what it was like on house rules.  Other half suggested the same thing when he got home and started to help!

She won't let herself enjoy herself...

After 10 weeks of battle...we finally got Little Miss a passport! A once in a lifetime opportunity, and she was so keen to go - she couldn't actually let herself believe it was going to happen.

It didn't go quite like I expected! She did everything she could to sabotage her chances of going on the trip.  Misbehaving...saying she wouldn't go.  Yet she was desperate to go and terribly upset when a passport challenge came up.

It took a long time to get to the bottom of this - but what it turned out to be - every other time she had been promised a trip in her life she had had that promise broken.  For the last 10 years she has been promised every year a trip to Australia - to see where she 'came from'. Every year - that promise has been broken.

It took a lot of talking with social workers/parents etc to figure out that the reason for her challenging behaviour was so that if she didn't go - she could blame herself for the trip being cancelled - not us.

It's such a confusing concept really - but when thought about night after night for weeks it does kind of make sense.

We finally booked our tickets and took off the next day.  Now, on the most part the trip was great.  She was on her best behaviour for my mum!  However, she was the most argumentative and naughty she has ever been with me.  Still not quite at the bottom of this and I don't really understand it.

She didn't seem to be having an 'amazing' time a lot of the time, but since she has been home she has done nothing but talk about her amazing experiences, cuddle her toy kangaroo (belting it into the car...taking it to the shops) and show off the pictures that were taken on her behalf! (she wasn't keen on taking pictures...living in the moment!) She clearly had a much more amazing time that she was letting on.

A couple of times I had to threaten to put her on the next plane home - and as much as I regret stooping to that level it did help with her behaviour!  The other thing that helped with her behaviour...  I got a text from my mums phone asking if I was coming (I was getting takeaways) and I replied with "- no I'm having some time out - sick of someone being a little B...."  She responded straight away saying it was her - and asking what she had done wrong. The text conversation was the first time she had ever really admitted to being at fault with behaviour. Her behaviour came right for the last few days too. Text messages may really be the way to communicate with her, takes the embarrassment out of being confronted face to face.

It's really confusing to me though why she didn't let herself have an amazing time all of the time while away.  She certainly had moments of joy, excitement etc - but it was like when she realised she was she had to hide that by arguing, or sulking.  Maybe she feels guilty that she got to go on such a fabulous trip and her siblings didn't get the opportunity?

Update: The other half suggests that it was because she knows her biological family will never give her the opportunity - so she can't let herself enjoy it as that would be admitting her family wouldn't take her.  She did mention many times - 'this will be the only time I come, i'll never be allowed to come again..."

Its ticking along okay...

This week has been pretty good!

Despite caregiver/teacher interviews earlier in the week - without the best outcome!  Things are good.

Miss 12 is trying really hard to be good. She has made some promises about next term at school.

Of course - there is still an attitude - just cos things are good - it doesn't mean they are perfect...but what 12 year old doesn't have an attitude, right?

Who would think one little course could make such a difference.

Last Saturday (just over a week ago) I went on a course for foster parents.  It was talking about the types of kids that are often in childcare, the way they form attachments with adults and ways to help build resilience in them.  At one point in became glaringly obvious why we had so many tantrums when it came to doing chores.

The cold hard reality was - no one had ever taken the time to show her how to do anything!  We had an opportunity to discuss this with some much more experienced foster parents... longer than I've been alive kind of experience...

So I came up with a little plan. Wrote it in my course book.  And gave it to the other half to read (he was working when I was at the course).  Well...we've had a 100 % turn around in behavior.  It's almost become easy to get chores done.

You see, when there are just adults in the house - you know you all do your bit.  Doesn't matter if it isn't completely obvious at all times that you've just scrubbed the toilet - you know the lawns will be mowed when needed.  But with a child...if you are sitting on the couch reading a book - why the hell should they be doing the dishes?  Doesn't matter if you just spent 8 hours of your day off spring cleaning while they played with a friend.

So we started a new routine.  The next day. I was so tired when I got home I went straight to bed.  There were two things I learnt.  One -- may more attention to how my mum got me to do jobs.  Two - - Doesn't matter if it's fair - it has to look fair.

One:  The housework.  This one came from my mum.  If I'd known she was tricking me into housework all those times I'm not sure I'd have fallen for it.  I wrote down 9 jobs that had to be done.  From dusting to mopping the floors.  Then we had turns at picking one each - til we had three each.  Then we had to do our jobs and score each other out of ten.  The winner got to choose a prize! First week the prize was as simple as whats for dinner, second week - which board game we'd play.  Now of course it was rigged - and Miss 12 won both weeks :).

First week on it - we had to think through it carefully.  Keeping in mind that it may be she didn't know how to do jobs that were causing conflict.  So each time she picked a job - we picked a job in the same room so that we could low-key help her.  She successfully mopped the floors, dusted the whole house and cleaned the kitchen benches/dishes. Three jobs she hates.

Second week on it - we were on our way home from work on Friday "Can I choose what jobs we have to do this weekend.  Well - yeah, sure why not! I was a bit worried she might not choose what needed to be done but figured we could twist a couple of the jobs to make sure we did them while we were doing ours.  She took the job very seriously indeed.  She went around the house and noted down all that had to be done.  Then we picked.  She ended up cleaning the bathroom (toilet included!).  It's only ever me that cleans the toilet - you have no idea how good this was! Among sorting the good cat toys from the old and other jobs.  Every thing got done.

Kinda looking forward to week three of housework now!  It may not be a war zone.

Two: Doesn't matter who has cooked dinner, or tidied the bathroom.  Everyone does one after dinner chore.  Usually wash dishes, dry dishes, make lunch.  Now I plan for this to become a little more complicated once it is full routine.  No arguments.  A little bit annoyed at times - but no arguments.  8 days running and the dishes have been done and the lunches made with no tantrums.  Come school holidays I may just add in clean the toilets or something.  If we are on holidays at mums (if bloody cyfs come through with the passport) we could do - load the dishwasher, sweep the floor, clean the toilets...  Since there is a dishwasher and don't need lunch made in the holidays.  That way she gets used to there being a different combination of jobs.

We will see.  So far so good.

Negative!

How do you deal with negativity? The constant...eww that's ugly. I don't like that. I don't want that.  Etc etc. Advice? Opinions?  Not saying I will try it - but I will think about it!

Doesn't respond at all well to being told to 'only say something nice or don't say anything at all'.

On another note - she is now really excited about my other half going on the school trip with her - as long as he is in a different group.  Think she realised when her class was told if they didn't get more helpers they couldn't go!

Thursdays are tender.

Well... we've got through til Thursday ... no major meltdowns since Wednesday morning!  There never was an apology for the mornings behaviour - but sometimes...it's best just to let it die - I hope.  Really had a crappy day and didn't feel like fighting that battle too.

So today is Thursday - access day.  Family get to spend time with Miss 12...and without fail she comes home in a terrible mood and it takes days to sort!  So we are trying another approach - Thursdays is the day off asking her to do anything...

She has volunteered to help with dinner and is out there now.  But can't push it - if she changes her mind...it's a Thursday - any Thursday without a meltdown is progress.

She is beating chicken at the moment. Making it flat for schnitzel.  "This chicken is *****" (*** name of student from her school). I'm beating ****, **** called me dumb. Bitch."

Well...one way to get your anger out!  Maybe we have been wrong about Thursdays behaviour! Maybe it is school related.  Also worked out she has a reliever teacher on a Thursday.

So...what is causing the Thursday meltdowns - may not be as straightforward as first thought.

Didn't take long

When I started this I thought - oh, we are usually a couple of weeks between tantrums...I reckon we have another week before I will make a post.

This morning miss 12 asked for her permission slip for her school trip.  I gave it to her.  Circled - yes we can help with supervision on the day.  Well...that was a disaster waiting to happen.  "I told you I don't want you to help"  (We also get the sulk every single time her teacher speaks with us - good or bad...we are embarrassing).

We tried explaining how school trips can't happen if there aren't adults to help supervise.  Didn't work.  Cue: Face of Thunder.  My other half told her to take a look in the mirror.  She said "nah".  He said "that's because you know the face is a childish face, two year olds throw tantrums".  She argued a little more before he raised his voice - for the first time ever.  "You can't throw a tantrum every time you don't get your own way, you are twelve, it's time to start acting it".

Tears. Overflowing, sobbing.  The whole 30minute drive to school.  No good bye.  Nothing.

First time in 4 months we've had to tell her off.  Getting a bit sick of the tantrums to get her own way.  Unfortunately at the start we hadn't googled "let them die by being ignored" and gave them a little too much attention.  Moved to ignoring...and on the most part it works.  But god, it gets exhuasting.  I can understand how he got angry - was probably about time.   At least it was still about her...can't let her know it effects us either...

Everything I've read says the tantrums are to punish us... that if we show it is affecting us - she will feel she has won.

We have pretty good leverage over her at the moment. An upcoming holiday she doesn't want to miss out on.  She knows we haven't booked flights, and aren't going to until a couple of days before...so she'll probably apologise.  If not - we may have to follow through...  Three tantrums...no holiday.  This is number two.  I really don't want to get to three - because then what do we use... we won't let you stay home in the holidays? I suppose we could arrange tutoring!

Will get back to you on that one!

People say Why? Why would you?

Why would we? Why would we act as short term parents, to kids that have obviously been through some traumatic experience in their lives? (even being moved in with us is a traumatic experience).

There aren't enough homes out there for the kids that have been abused by their parents.  Not just phsycially...emotionally.  Neglected.  How do we know?  We've seen kids returned to their families with no change in circumstance - and been told "we didn't have anywhere else for them to go".

We both love kids...we aren't ready for our own yet.  Not ready for the time off work, the sleepless nights.  But we are both skilled, working, professionals...who know what kids need.  We came into it by accident.  By helping out parents who needed a break for the weekend.

I know people say that teenagers are the most challenging age group - but are they really any more challenging than another age group - at least we have learnt what comes with a teenager!  Moods, arguments, sulks, lies, the list could go on!

So is it easier parenting someone elses child than your own?  Nope.  Well, not that we'd really know...there probably are aspects that are easier - like you know you can give them back if you can't work it out!  But on a whole it's harder - there is no unconditional love.  You need to work at loving them.  They may not forgive you for upsetting them.

These kids need to like you...they need to have some where stable to live.  Thought about what might happen to a teenager who didn't want to be somewhere? They'd leave!  Plain and simple!  It would be easy to say - well, we are just babysitting them until they go home to mum and dad.  Sadly, these kids usually come with no sense of self esteem (or too much of it!), no discipline, no routines, no manners!  So in amongst trying to make sure they like you - you need to teach them these things so that they can function in your household!  That's easy for the first 4 weeks...they are so scared they do anything they are told.  Give it four weeks though - and as far as they are concerned...you ain't dad - you can't tell me what to do!

So how do you juggle being likeable, being fair, being in charge and getting things done.  Well...I don't know.  That's why I'm blogging.  Sometimes it's easy.  Sometimes it's run to every parent I know of their own teenager and say "how would you..."  sometimes it's feeling like giving up. Sometimes it's googling the same thing 100 times hoping for a different result.  Sometimes, seeing success - makes you do it all again next time.