Grief

Often when Grief is spoken of it is done so for the most tragic circumstances.  Just about always, it's linked to death.  But it's not only that.  Grief is an emotion that encompasses all aspects of loss.  It is an acknowledgement of what could have been, what was had then lost, or what was never an option but a much desired one nonetheless.

I have read a lot of blogs about foster care...that's what I do when I have some quiet time or just need to wind down at the end of the day - it's where I get my passion, and regain my energy.  A lot of have talked about things not to say to a foster parent.  The one that always sticks out to me is "Wow, I don't know how you do it, I could never give a child away again".  The reason this one sticks with me is because of it's explanation of how every foster parent experiences some grief on farewelling a child.  We aren't cold and heartless.  We don't find it any easier to hand a child on than you would.  But we do it anyway - because it's our calling.

When I was washed over with grief this week, I felt the grief wasn't mine to claim.  I recognised the feelings. Hopelessness, sadness, anger and a range of other bad mood related signs! I kept telling myself "don't be stupid".

You see, the children I was grieving for were children I had never met. I may never meet.  The reason I was grieving for them was complicated.  I learnt about their awful pasts.  This was not any ordinary abuse.  This was torture.  This was what you could never dream of.  These children had their lives in danger simply by going into care.  They had to be hidden from their parents.  I was/am grieving for their childhood.  

The children I was grieving for I had put a lot of thought into.  Can I manage these children, do I have what they need.  I had invested time and energy (and argument) into making an extremely hard decision.  But ultimately.  I made that decision.  I made the decision that I would commit to making sure these children had some stability, that they had some hope.  I was/am grieving because I doubted my ability to help.

The children I was grieving for ended up going to a more suitable home.  Despite my sleepless nights, my unfocussed days.  The social worker made a decision that was out of my control.  She found a placement that was more suitable.  I didn't go too much into the reasons.  Basically, I wasn't as available as they needed someone to be for these children.  I was/am grieving because I need to work, not change lives.  (It could be argued that I change lives at work... yeah I know...but grief is not clarity, is it!)

I am grieving for what could have been.  I am grieving for the help I could have offered them but was never given the opportunity.  I am grieving because my husband was more of a realist that I was.  I am grieving because I care, and I love.  So don't ever say "I couldn't do it".  Because if I can, so can you.  It won't be easy.  But it will be worth it.

Thank you TP for encouraging me to write this post.  Having my grief acknowledged by someone who has experienced the ultimate of grief - has given me permission to own and deal with my own.






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