Why it's okay to side with the child!

As per usual, when I read something I take out of it what I want to hear.  And that's pretty much the rule not the exception! It can be controversial - it can mean I share completely inaccurate information.  But it also challenges others to think about why they have their opinions, and to justify those opinions.  I play devil's advocate all of the time - with much hatred from some!  See previous post about refugees and how many 'friends' I lost!  This one is probably no exception, but oh well...I live to make other people think and learn. Deal with it :)

Read the extract below in green, before continuing with reading my post. 

Link to original article

With the sound of loons over the lake in the background, I told him why, when I did step into the conversation, it was on her side instead of his.

When I still had a baby on my shoulder and a toddler at my hip, a parent educator slipped a thread of perfectly curled hair behind one ear and told me this: With every interaction we have, we're creating an intimacy roadmap for our kids.

Her eyes, a wise shade of cornflower blue, looked right into my tired hazel ones, and I was sure that she was speaking directly to me. So I placed her words in my back pocket then and I pull them out regularly now. I don't want our girls to think it's an everyday thing for someone who loves them to yell at them or use angry words with them. With time, they'll learn that anger boils and settles, but I don't want them to see it as commonplace or expected, without explanation or apology.

Yes, what I take from that is it is okay to stick up for the child.  It is okay to point out your other half's wrongs when your other half is doing something that could become affixed in a road map.

It brought back for me a memory from about 9 months ago.  I can't even quite remember what it was about. But I remember Mr 31 making a statement at the dinner table that I strongly disagreed with.  Miss 13 started buying into the conversation and I put a stop to it.  Told Mr 31 that it was wrong, and that it wasn't an impression I wanted Miss 13 to think was okay. It wasn't about undermining him, it was about making sure that her road map had safe roads to follow. (I hear myself arguing with myself here...pointing out every time someone does something wrong isn't going to set them a positive road to follow...I know...my points are flawed...I'm not a talented writer...I'm a passionate one! )

This resulted in some level of conflict.  But I stuck by my word.  Of course I was apologetic for embarrassing him (there were also others at dinner).  But I wasn't sorry for having my opinion.  The guilt obviously got to me because I still remember the arguing about the fact I had done it, and not what the original conversation was about.

I'm also very quick to judge.  If an adult is yelling at a child, "don't yell, that isn't going to help" (I'm not perfect...I definitely do it to - but when I am the rational adult in the situation I find the clarity!) "Just let it go" "Deal with it later" "please don't".  It's all about the road map.  It's not about giving the child power.  It's about dealing with it when there is calm and rationalization.  Why? Because if you start with the yell, they aren't going to listen to your point of view once you are calm as you've already added to the road map in the moment of anger, the rational response is only going to confuse it!

I make the mistakes...I say things I shouldn't, I get upset if I am pulled up on it.  But I do know that if it is done with the best intentions for the wellbeing of the child - I will get over it.  It's about building a safe and secure road map.  For many kids in care the road map they have built looks a little like Japan after the Tsunami.  That's not what we're after. Lets build those bridges with calm and rational responses.

No I'm not perfect either.  But here is my permission to point out if I am doing something that may muck up a child's road-map! Except don't - because I probably won't like you very much after that.

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