Why I embarrassed my child in public.

Miss 13 and her friend sought permission to catch the bus to the local shops, issue some DVDs then catch the bus home. 

I gave her boundaries. Have your phone on the whole time, be home by 5.30, make sure you have enough coinage together before you leave. 

It was a little after four. They were on a tight schedule. They mucked around on the way to the bus stop. I knew this as when my husband drove past the bus stop at about 4.55 the girls were still there. 

At this point I decided to call and remind of the 5.30 deadline that was looming. Straight to answer phone. Without a word of a lie... My heart rate increased so dramatically that I had to focus on my breathing to calm down.  Did I think she was in danger? Not really? Was I angry her phone was off? A little bit. So what was it that had me so would up that when I tried again 5 minutes later (benefit of the doubt... Signal could have dropped out) and it still went to answer phone I promptly got in the car and drove around for 45 minutes. Trying her phone every five minutes. Pulling into the dvd store, the cornerstone, the dollar store asking if girls fitting their description had walked in? Pulling over the car when I eventually found them and yelling for them to 'get in the car, you two have a hell of a lot to explain. It's 6pm, did you really think you could reverse time and be home by 5.30?'

So why did I get the increased heart rate? So why did I embarrass the hell of them? Why did I consciously make the decision to let complete strangers think I was a psychotic parent who couldn't deal with their kid being 40 min late. I will tell you why. 

I was putting up boundaries and repairing a breach in those boundaries. In a traditional family children have had years of learning what is safe from what is not safe. They have had years of safely breaking boundaries and having appropriate consequences. 

Children in foster care have often (but not always) failed to be taught the difference between safe mistakes and dangerous mistakes. 

Would the girls have got home safely the other night... Yes, they would have. They were at a well lit and busy bus stop, and I would be able to see them walk home from the bus stop at the end of our street. We live in a safe neighbourhood, and if the curfew had been 6.30, all would have been well. 

We have worked hard at setting and enforcing boundaries, distinguishing right from wrong. But we are only 16 months into that journey. I could have let the situation pass but at what cost? 

The cost of her setting her own rules and sinking back into her previous ways of staying out all night? Or for days on end? Taking shelter somewhere when it became too late to be bothered findin g a way home?

What we need to teach is boundaries and TRUST. I needed that night to show Miss 13 that she could trust me. Trust me to follow through on my word, trust me to care enough to embarrass myself (though she believes she was more embarrassed) in public, and that she can trust me to come and get her, no matter how angry I am. And most of all, to trust that if I don't think she is safe, I will do anything within my reach to find her and make her safe. 

When we got home her friend was sent to Miss 13s bedroom while Miss 13 was sent to mine. Each girl was asked to give the story of what had happened. Turns out they were fairly genuine in their mistake. The phone went flat from taking photos. They had no other source of time. They didn't think far enough ahead to figure out getting home when they realised they didn't know the time. 

As they got to the bus stop, they had asked the time for the next bus, and realised they were late. 

Miss 13 asked for her consequence. I told her there wasn't one. She asked me to punish her, I wouldn't. I reminded her that I don't give consequences for mistakes, we make sure she is helped to not make the same mistake again. 

We talked as a group about how to make a future trip safe and agreed on:

Having a back up time 

Calling from a shop if she was late. 

Choosing the bus there and the bus home before leaving. 

So that's why I embarrassed the hell out of my child at the bus stop. It's a learning process. My comments were calculated and well thought out. We are teaching boundaries, and trust. 

There was no love lost. The annoyance at me for shaming her was gone within the hour. But the lesson will hopefully stick throughout at least her teenage years.